Boyfriend wants to buy an expensive engagement ring, but I would prefer for him to save the money and buy something cheaper. Do I talk to him or let him lead here?

plum_moon · 2022-08-29T09:18:40+00:00

I think you should talk to him because what he's really trying to express to you is that he is willing to spare no expense to give you what you want. If you don't talk to him, then neither of you win: you are uncomfortable, and he didn't give you what you want.

But hey, is there something that would make you feel that way? Well, tell him! if you have something you really do want very badly, let him know. Say that you understand that he really wants to show you how important you are but actually what you want is a much more modest ring. But you've, perhaps, always had your heart set on a specific wedding venue, etc.

redpillschool · 2022-08-29T14:13:45+00:00

Suggest an activity you guys could do together with the money instead, tell him it would mean more to you.

Think about the tropical vacation you could get for $15k. Not too shabby.

It wouldn't be insulting to suggest it- in fact, he may appreciate where your priorities lie.

If, however, he declines, then drop it. This is his choice and ultimately, let him do his thing.

Teacup000 · 2022-08-29T15:59:17+00:00

It might be worth looking into non-traditional/non-diamond rings. They're likely to be much more affordable. If you find one you fall in love with, now it's "please get me this thing I really want and just happens to be cheaper" and not "let's find a cheaper, artificial version of what I want." He wants to spoil you. If you can find a way to let him without breaking the bank, you both win.

I went for a coral rose with surrounding pearls. Ring was like $500 and I get TONS of compliments. There's a lot of pretty stones out there!

sunglasses90 · 2022-08-29T11:30:26+00:00

Don’t marry someone until you’re on the same page financially. Money fights are by far the most common reason for divorce. You seem pragmatic and want the security of owning a home and having an emergency fund. Pretty much every woman is like this. He can’t ignore this or any woman he’s with is going to eventually feel resentful and unhappy due to financial insecurity.

I think you should sit down and discuss other financial goals so that he understands how the ring fits into your big picture and see what his big picture is. I highly suggest taking Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University class together. Also talk about other goals like when you’d actually like to have kids.

Separate_Channel_594 · 2022-08-29T13:42:07+00:00

Are you managing all his finances? Do you know his entire situation financially? Or are you guessing?

Lilac91 · 2022-08-30T00:47:14+00:00

Definitely tell him about Moissanite! My husband also wanted to spend a lot of money on a ring because he wanted me to have something beautiful but we already had our first child and I was pregnant with our second when we got engaged. I expressed to him that I felt the money would be better spend on our family than a ring. I ended up finding a Moissanite ring online that I LOVED and was so cheap so I told him this had to be the one because I loved it and the price was beyond right lol.

I love my ring so much, I still stare at it. I also tell him a lot how much I love it so he knows he made the right choice lol. It also helps that I get complements on it all the time! I guess the moral of my story is that it’s okay to let him know that you can absolutely have the ring that he knows you deserve for a much, MUCH cheaper price than what he thinks he needs to pay.

reddit-whatever · 2022-08-29T16:07:21+00:00

IMO, the most important part of this process is that you ensure you are heard and valued. In this case, for example, more than saying "no" to the ring, I'd have a conversation with him about the plans for the house ... maybe you both can start seeing homes and get an idea of when you'll get to that (1 year, 5 years, 10 years). Depending on that, the $8K-$17K difference could be substantial or really not that big versus his dream of giving you that.

Finances are a tricky subject, as others say. I think they tend to distort our views. There's a risk of you thinking "oh, I love the man, but he is TOTALLY IRRESPONSIBLE with finances" ... when it really wasn't that much. Of course it might seem too much now, but you won't believe how much money will be spent on your lives.

So my recommendation is that you talk again about this, with the focus on the process of being heard/valued above the ring decision.

aslanhatessmeagol · 2022-08-30T03:19:32+00:00

You go with him and choose what you like. If you like the ring,I dont think he will say no.

redditemployee69 · 2022-08-29T18:12:28+00:00

He wants to show how much he loves you but it’s is being very obtuse about it. Speak to him and make your point he will most likely change his mind. Or just say instead of a expensive ring what I really want is (insert expensive thing you want like house or car)

lIllIlllIl · 2022-08-30T00:30:24+00:00

Moissanite! It's even better than diamond and they're like $40 per stone.

inhaledpie4 · 2022-08-29T18:50:42+00:00

How about picking out a ring with him?

WordsinaWhisper · 2022-08-29T14:16:55+00:00

me and my wife got each other apple watches. functional AND fashionable.

ironsoul99 · 2022-08-29T20:18:23+00:00

Maybe something like moissanite? So it can be blingy but cheaper.

lgkm7 · 2022-08-29T20:25:10+00:00

Total honesty -about how thrilled and flattered you are at the generous gesture but ask for more discussion about it as a way to get to know each other better -i.e. what are your reasons and his reasons for wanting what you each want and how enlightening the discussion will be for both of you. Men Have been programmed that women want an expensive ring. Or that is how they show love. Women have been programmed in other ways. Honesty and individuality are sexier than traditions. Tricky though since it is a gift he is giving you so feelings may be hurt. But some leading questions could help. i.e. How would you feel about looking at and trying on rings together so we can both get a feeling for what each other likes and is comfortable with?

MinutesTilMidnight · 2022-08-29T23:06:29+00:00

I don’t have any advice, just wanted to say I totally agree with you. I would be fine with a $20 ring from Walmart for a few years honestly 😂 $10k is a lot of money and I’d personally prefer it to go towards something more important, like a house, car, child, etc.

Svenskamamma · 2022-09-05T12:10:05+00:00

Bit if a different opinion here but my husband spent quite a lot on my engagement ring (around $20k and an extra 6k for the wedding band)and although I agree it’s a lot to spend on one piece of jewellery, I think it it also brought him a sense of pride in being able to give me something like that.

It’s been a long time now but when we were first engaged/married he used to hold up my hand and say “it looks good on you” and I think it made him happy to see the ring there. It’s the first big, traditional way he can provide for you, it may mean something to him that he’s able to make such an investment- in you!

I’d accept it with grace

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