I'm currently in the living room watching a show and getting high. She is in the "guest" room and we haven't spoken in nearly 8 hours. She's in there asleep now, doors closed so I suppose she doesn't want to be bothered.

It's been coming for a while. Weve been slowly breaking for months. She cheated on me a couple months back with the excuse of, "if you were giving me what I needed it wouldn't have happend", when i found out.

I left for a month when she did, but agreed to come back home and do couples counseling. Yeah, im a forking idiot, but thats not the point and i know.

She used counseling to try to trap me into scenarios that made me look bad and bring them up as excuses for her own terrible behaviour. Fortunately the councilor called her on her BS and she stormed out. She quit scheduling sessions after that.

Shit hasn't gotten better, it's been like 6 months of living in fucking misery. Then I come by the house before I had to leave out of town for work (just a day trip, couple hours I was back by 5) and I catch her cheating again at 9am. I left the house at 7:45am. She was WAITING for me to leave. Fuck. That.

I owned the house we live in years before the marriage, so that's a fucking thing I gotta figure out. Also she couldn't afford it on her own anyway so I know she wouldn't try for it.

She keeps telling me she's trying to move out, but doesnt.

Also she doesn't work, but collects disability from some pretty serious eye surgeries from not taking care of her diabetes.

Her not getting back to work after the surgeries has been a big problem because she likes to spend money like i am rolling in dough.

I'm not.

That definitley helped to drive us apart. It wasn't always that way, she used to work hard and helped support our home for years before we married, only about a year after we married she just quit trying.

No kids, so I guess that's good. She wanted them, but looking back on it she has always been kind of mean so the sex life fizzled out early and I guess I dodged a bullet.

She has a kid that is 11, my step daughter. I've known her since she was 3 and I'm going to lose that bonding but yeah guess that's how it goes.

I shouldn't have married her. People told me.

But yeah, I guess I will be around here to occasionally post my side of the story and get some feedback.

This shit is all so embarrassing to talk to anyone I know in real life.

My best friends I've told are all super rooting against her, which is cool because I feel supported, but I don't like having so much negativity in it. So it's tough.

Maybe I should be mad?

Honestly we've been talking divorce for months, she keeps bringing it up and then love bombing me with all this "but I love you so much" bs. But after I stood my ground on it yesterday I think she's gotten the point.

I've consulted with a couple lawyers, found one I liked. I know I'm going to need it because she is hyper emotional. Last weekend we went through hours of suicide threats and all the BS. This isn't the first time either.

This is a little embarrassing but I've had to call the cops before because she gets violent.

She cut herself super bad coming at me with a knife once. Severed tendons in her hand and had to have surgery and months of physical therapy to use her pinky again. Of course everyone assumed I was abusing her. At least it felt that way.

She threw a boiling hot pot of chili on me once, and beat me with the pot.

She has straight up woken me up from my sleep by assaulting me with the toilet paper holder.

Straight up fucked up part is she won't leave and has said clearly she will stay to make my life miserable. I don't know what to do.

There's so much more I think I need to type out and share because I've never told anyone alot of this. And sorry got the terrible structure. I'm feeling kind of emotional and it's all starting to feel very real.