little pick me up?

david10277 · 2022-08-28T20:32:34+00:00

30 years..married

4 kids..

She had a 7 affair going..

I found out..

She left..and filed

15 months in so far ..35k Iegal fees spent.

I'm paying for everything still in top of that..

She was toxic and I cant believe I stuck around for this long..

Cant wait to get this finished..I dont care how much gonna cost me..its not the cost my friend it's what it's worth..

Dont chase anything that wants to go..let them go Let them see what life is really about..you continue to be great guy you are and plan the continuation of your journey...there many of us fighting like you.. and theree are alot of us who have made it to the other side..

I have a glimpse of that and its fabulous..cant wait for mine to be over..its for your own good. We just dont see the reasons behind it yet. It will show itself as you progress.

Gattsama · 2022-08-28T22:18:02+00:00

Together 17 years, married 12 years, no kids. I'm 48 and she's 44. I'll skip the details but she was never satisfied or happy, everything was my fault, lots of emotional abuse. Oct 2021 she told me to leave and took off her ring. I moved out, and took off my ring the next day. Moved into my friend's condo.

Once out of the house I had never been more peaceful and stress free. I went no contact. Just slept, worked out, and started calling family. Long story short she talked me into trying again. But in the end I called it and filed Feb 1 2022.

I found a great rental, its 100% my space. There is now zero drama in my life (expect for the divorce). I am paying ~$15k/mo in temporary support and my place. Yet I still have more discretionary income than when we were living together! I am traveling (home to see family in MD twice, SEA = southeast asia), working out more, studying more. I am way way more mentally healthy.

I'm working on being physically fit, emotionally fit, mentally fit and financially fit. I couldn't appreciate how sick she was and my choosing to be in the relationship was making me. Full disclosure my sleep is not the best since I filed (was great before then) but my life is only getting better.

Once this BS is over I'll save ~$180k per year. That's going into real investments and setting up passive income streams. I'm excited about the future.

RainyNightDub · 2022-08-28T22:18:10+00:00

I would say "be strong" but actually I'll say the opposite. Allow yourself to feel the sadness and fear. Because what you are going through is sad and it is scary. Just give yourself space to feel and process. We live in a "fight it" "be strong" culture when actually, in my experience, dealign with this, I need to make myself vunerable to my self. To really feel the pain of it. I could then process it. Go for walks with no destraction (music, podcasts) and you will literally see your mind sorting through it all. You don't have to do or be anything other than allow yourself this pain. This helped me, hope it helps you. and yes, it does get better. You will get perspective.

HelixFish · 2022-08-28T22:18:40+00:00

Divorced in 2018, my ask. Kids are doing great, both in high school. Found a great woman, she is amazing. Ex still has shit piled around her kitchen all the time. She found a good guy, I like him, kids like him. I’m happy. No more dealing with her anger and borderline issues.

throw_away_211207 · 2022-08-28T21:00:24+00:00

Happier with 1/3 the square footage and 35% of the income than I ever was with her. Best physical shape of my adulthood, closer to my friends than ever, and the women I’m getting attention from are younger + hotter (and I am just an average dude). Took a minute, but the kids realized who the stable parent was pretty quickly, and that relationship is in a great place too. I’m < 1 year into the process and almost finalized. Would never have believed so much could improve so quickly.

Feinixaway · 2022-08-29T00:54:54+00:00

First time my ex took my kid I was devastated.

Now I enjoy our time together and my time alone with no one bitching at me.

Do something useful with your time, don't drink or do anything to feel sorry about yourself. Talk to people, join divorce groups.

JD-Anderson · 2022-08-28T20:17:25+00:00

My ex was gonna move before the divorce was finalized, but it was all but done at the time. I had never NOT lived with someone. I told her I was going out of town for the holiday with my family so she could have her folks move out all her stuff. When I came back home, it was more than half empty, and as I was slowly putting things in their new place, I would have to sit down and cry for a bit.

I was a broken man. I had fought for a year, and I knew my life was over.

Then as time went on, things started to settle down, no more of her there fighting with me, I could do what I want, etc. Those first few weeks were rough, but I got into my own routine.

Two years later is when I really got over her and the marriage, but things just slowly started to get better. I got married because that’s what society told me to do. Then I was told to F off, so I did and now I don’t let society tell me what to do. A free man is an amazing thing.

Dull_Description_710 · 2022-08-28T20:14:07+00:00

My wife left me (both 40) and i was crushed for a few months. No cheating, abuse or drugs, she just felt disrespected and wanted out. I worked on myself, lots of therapy, working out, quit smoking weed (was smoking a lot to dull the pain) and drinking (wasn't drinking much anyway). Im in great physical shape now, I'm happy, our kids are handling the transition well (3 from 4yrs-9rs); I bought a fixer upper bachelor pad, ive gone on a few dates and my life is on a great trajectory. You got this!

upvotersfortruth · 2022-08-29T01:21:30+00:00

My time with my kids is less but it’s OURS. No stress, no asking HER whether it’s OK to do this or that. None of HER negativity or naysaying. We have grown so much closer. We even enjoy doing chores together - anything together.

MathForPay · 2022-08-29T01:53:44+00:00

I have a court date on the books, so it’s a relief to know one way or another this is going to be sorted out by that time. No kids, thankfully. But she took the dog (I had even before we met) when we separated. That brings a wave of sadness every now and again.

I’m now in better physical and mental shape than ever before. My weight is back into healthy BMI. I’ve cooked great meals for myself in the regular. Just this year I got my scuba and motorcycle license. I’ve taken a trip to use the former, about to take another to use the latter.

I’m finally seeing my family in person after 5 years (I’m an immigrant). I’ve gone on several first dates. And I accepted a job offer that is >20% more compensation. All this, less than one year after she moved out. Life gets better.

jolietia · 2022-08-29T04:34:32+00:00

I've read your post history. Unlike the others, it doesnt seem like you had those issues with your wofe. Take it one minute at a time. Focus on being the best dad you can under the circumstances and also a better partner. You never know what the future will hold. As you improve, so will your life. Breathe OP. Blessings on you and your family.

ZimBamBoodleOoo · 2022-08-29T14:05:54+00:00

The clouds lift. The dread leaves.

Coming home now is a relief, a sanctuary rather than entering a minefield.(I kept the house).

Engaging in my hobbies (mountain biking) is a delight rather than an escape.

Going out with my friends and support people is something I do without worrying about which version of my spouse i'll come home to.

I can take a day off work and focus on me rather than spend all that mental health energy on fixing issues I didn't break.

It gets better. Yeah, it sucks. It always will. But it's not a failure.

Focus on you, brother. It's ok to prioritize yourself now.

No_Loquat_2423 · 2022-08-30T13:37:18+00:00

Was married 30 years. Came home to a house that was empty of everything, except for a note telling me she was done, and to speak to her lawyer. The divorce was final a little over a year ago now. Now, I have downsized, and have a little home all to myself in the country after being forced to sell our old one of 30 years. Kids are grown and gone. I have a new vehicle. Now, I am doing what I want. When I want. No endless honey-do lists. No bitching. No fighting. No anger. None of her laying around drunk to the point of blacking out every night. No walking on eggshells. It took a little getting through, but yes, things are better. Much better. I wouldn't change anything about my life the way it is now. Deep breath...you've got this. DM me if you want, I'll be glad to offer any help I can.

TheTiredNotification · 2022-08-30T04:02:32+00:00

I'm still early on but I've already started to have some good moments start to come back. Simple things like truly feeling peaceful at the top of a mountain after my hike, I went to get dinner at a bar and ended up chatting to two nice ladies for 2 hours instead of being at home alone, I got sick of only having a slow charger for my car at home so I installed a fast charger today which was a nice little win, i have a weekly hiking tradition with friends which I always look forward to, cooking meals I love that my ex didn't and other things like that.

I'm not sure I could say I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but at least I feel like most days I'm heading in the right direction.

Title	little pick me up?
Author	Walrusdoc
Upvotes	22
Comments	23
Date	August 28, 2022 7:40 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/x042wm/little_pick_me_up/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/little-pick-me-up.1130968 https://theredarchive.com/post/1130968

Comments