Dear US ladies, how hard it is to come across high value man in US? Is chivalry also almost dead there?

Teacup000 · 2022-10-13T19:34:18+00:00

In general, US cites are more liberal and egalitarian than suburban/rural areas. I would wager that what you're used to the Netherlands will be similar to the Chicago dating culture. Expect a big emphasis on drinking and hook-ups.

That being said, I'm sure it would possible if you try your luck through dating apps and get a good feel of what to look for. There are some Christian dating apps that might work better if that's applicable.

It wasn't too hard for me to find my husband and settle down but I had a lot of things going for me. I also met him in school. I did occasionally treat a guy to a date or a meal but me paying/partially paying was rare, though I do live in the south.

My very general dating advice would be this: spell out to guys exactly what it is you want and what you expect from them. Then watch and see how they treat you going forward. I think as women we often expect men to understand what it is we want without actually having to say it. This doesn't work.

Jenneapolis · 2022-10-13T19:35:12+00:00

I am from the Chicago area and still live in a big city close by in the Midwest. I think you will have a much easier time in Chicago than the Netherlands for sure, but we face the same challenges here nonetheless. Midwestern boys are often raised more traditional than you might find on the coasts in the US but there’s no one-size-fits-all. Being Midwestern myself, I find Midwestern men to be pretty traditional yet often more passive than I would like - we were all raised to be very polite out here and it shows. I’ve actually had quite a few dating situations fail because they wanted a more dominant woman, but there are plenty of dominant men too. Chicago is very diverse so you will find all types of people there.

All that being said, I think setting realistic expectations is important. Men don’t really pull out chairs for women anymore for the most part and that’s really “our” (womens) fault for creating a culture where they are scared to do anything for us. So my advice would be to not worry too much about these actions in the beginning. Once a man really likes you, he generally will start to do these things if that is how he was raised, but it’s difficult for them to know what to do on a first date so I really give them a pass on the minor things like bill paying etc (even though I would say 90% of my dates here offer to pay on a first date).

sunglasses90 · 2022-10-13T20:27:56+00:00

The more conservative/religious areas, so the south and Midwest, will probably be the areas with the most traditional men and women. With that said, everyone moves around especially to bigger cities after college so cities will have a mixture of everything. I live in a very progressive/liberal area and I had no issue finding traditional(ish) men to date. I have a lot of young professionals in my area to choose from and you will to in Chicago. You’ll have a lot of engineering, finance/accounting, and IT dudes to choose from. They earn decent money and tend to come from more conservative backgrounds at least with home life stuff.

I would say American guys are more on par with Eastern European guys rather than Western Europe, but they are getting “softer” in general with younger generations.

VasiliyZaitzev · 2022-10-13T23:33:28+00:00

You might see more chivalry out of older men. For example I am on the front end of Gen X, and, despite my reputation as a cad, I do treat women rather well, interpersonally. So I hold doors, pull out chairs, help with coats etc. It's second nature to me. So I suppose I present as a "Dark Gentleman."

That said, women who are more likely to inspire this behavior are women who present as more feminine. For example, last week I went on some dates with a very feminine woman. I suppose she was a bit of a girly-girl. So I did the above, and, at dinner, when she stood, I stood. I didn't even think about it. That was on our first date. She commented on it later and said that she had heard that men used to do this but had never seen it. Big win for me.

But the larger point here is, the more feminine you present yourself, the more likely you will be to inspire masculine behavior from men you date.

_-l_-l_-l_-l_-_ · 2022-10-13T20:50:51+00:00

I am from the Southwest United States and my husband is Dutch(his mother and her parents came from the Netherlands) but he was raised in the states. They started out in Michigan which is a bit closer to Chicago but I definitely get a more traditional vibe from them. I've dated other men before meeting my husband and overall they're okay, I find the younger men definitely are not as traditional and gentlemanly and do treat their partners more as a buddy like you mentioned. I've dated a guy from the Midwest and he was very very kind of old school with his mannerisms and ideals (always polite and trying to help but also wanted to get married after a month of dating and expected to work while I stayed home and had babies, it didn't work out).

You get a nice mix in the big cities but you may have some luck just being honest when meeting a prospective partner. Religious guys have been a hit or miss for me, I'm Native American and have my own traditional/religious beliefs which didn't mix well with some Christian guys and their families but some are very open to my views and I feel like they're more respectful of others. I'm not sure how it is near you but I feel like the mother's are a huge part of some guys lives which is nice because some of them tend to treat their partners a bit better but can get annoying if they're too involved.

My husband is a very caring man his friends are very decent as well, so I'd say there are a good amount of decent men. You can usually tell who the jerks are early on so hopefully you can steer clear of them. Dating is not so traditional anymore but don't be discouraged, there are still plenty of thoughtful men here. Being open about your expectations is very helpful and a good partner should be willing to hear you out. I'm sorry if any of this was confusing, English is not my first language.

Edit: I did mention my husband's grandparents were both Dutch and from the Northern Netherlands but I've been told by my MIL that her dad became more doting on his wife after they moved to the US, apparently he was not the most thoughtful man before seeing how some men treat their wives here.

After-Training9153 · 2022-10-13T21:51:50+00:00

You can find “chivalrous” men here but chivalry doesn’t equate to respect.

Mfs in NYC will always pay for dates with me as a young attractive woman but many often are tryna hit n run 🤷🏽‍♀️

aussiedollface2 · 2022-10-14T05:11:02+00:00

I’m Australian (grew up in England) and happily married, but I had a midwestern boyfriend when he was on exchange for University and he was by far the most polite and gentlemanly guy I’ve dated lol xo

breadcake5245 · 2022-10-14T19:15:52+00:00

I know a ton of amazing and “high quality” men. I live in the Southeastern US. You won’t have to search much for great men if you yourself are a high quality woman. I have noticed that there is a trend that my husband and guys like him go for:

Not overweight / being (at least reasonably) fit; Don’t curse, drink too much, smoke or do drugs; No kids; No tattoos; Healthy lifestyle; Good relationship with family; Positive attitude/no mental illness or have it under control.

We have friends who are very eligible who live all over the US: Denver, CO; Charlotte, NC; Tampa, FL; Austin, TX; but also in rural areas in Pennsylvania, Virginia, Georgia, Kentucky, New York. They all tend to have conservative values and prefer conservative or at least moderate women.

magic_emoji · 2022-10-14T01:07:50+00:00

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FiveSleepingOwls · 2022-10-14T09:49:11+00:00

I used to live in Georgia, and the men that I met there were very chivalrous. There's a reason why the term "Southern gentlemen" exists.

kkat02 · 2022-10-13T21:07:20+00:00

The US sounds better than where you are. I’m in the US and live in a conservative area so I have an easier time, however Chicago is a VERY progressive city. My recommendation would be going to church (if religious) and spending times in the smaller cities surrounding Chicago.

I should also add, my current boyfriend is from Chicago so I know there’s at least some men there with more traditional values.

Ruffleafewfeathers · 2022-10-14T05:46:42+00:00

I personally think it depends of what your standards are for “high value” that determines the difficulty.

If you want a 6’4 Adonis who earns 7 figures, prioritizes family time and family values, has all the same political and religious beliefs as you, and who is honest/communicative/kind/faithful…it’s gonna be more difficult than if you pick only a couple of those things.

Figure out what matters most to you, rank them in order of importance, and then go after what you want. I think you can find what you’re looking for in the US if you’re realistic about what you care about and your own value as a partner.

jayda92 · 2022-10-14T09:21:46+00:00

Hi! Eindelijk kom ik iemand tegen die het probleem erkent. Good for you. Laat het weten als je gelijkgestemden zoekt.

There are solutions in weeding out the bad Dutch apples! The americans are much more traditional when it comes to dating (even the losers are doing better than the average Dutch males). I would opt for Suisse or French though ❤️

AutoModerator · 2022-10-13T19:16:17+00:00

Title: Dear US ladies, how hard it is to come across high value man in US? Is chivalry also almost dead there?

Full text: To give some background, I currently live in Netherlands (EU) which is absolutely terrible when it comes to dating for traditional ladies. Men there don’t even have basic manners like opening the doors, helping women out of coat, carry things and such. The chivalry is very much dead there and women are expected to pay everything 50/50, men treat women as “buddies” more than as romantic interests, they aren’t romantic at all and you cannot expect gift even for Christmas.

Recently I got an option to move to US (Chicago) and I am not going to lie, finding partner is pretty important to me at this stage of life. I have never dated anyone from US so I don’t have experience to evaluate if it’s better there or it’s the same everywhere.

So my question is, how are US men? I know we cannot generalize but would you say it’s easy to come across high value traditional men? I don’t search for someone to provide everything for me, I love my job but I would still want someone who does romantic gestures here and there and who has gentleman manners. I want to feel feminine while dating, not as a beer buddy.

Please share your experience with me. I appreciate any input.

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TheBunk_TB · 2022-10-14T15:09:35+00:00

It is hit and miss. One person can do well in certain areas but not find success in others.

Affectionate-Food547 · 2022-10-18T06:17:22+00:00

From my experience, you have to kiss a lot of frogs til you find your prince. I finally settled down when I met the LOML but he grew up different culture so he isn't from the US but to be honest I wouldn't get with a born American. I always liked a foreign who is doing well in life financially and emotionally

DeletetheOffice · 2022-10-20T05:26:35+00:00

I want to warn you that Chicago is one of the most dangerous cities in the country. There’s a lot of violence. It’s nicknamed “Chiraq” for this reason. There’s some nice areas, but the city does not have a good reputation for safety. The poverty rate in Chicago is 17.3% (as of the 2020 census). If possible, I’d try to at least move into a suburban area nearby instead of directly in the city. Now for the topic of dating:

As for chivalry it varies between regions in the US. The Southern United States leans more towards conservative, so men are more likely to have traditional values. States like California and New York, will probably give you a similar experience as the Netherlands. I wouldn’t say the US has one culture. It has several because of the histories of each state. People in the southern United States tend to get married, younger on average. The importance of the family dynamic seems to be more emphasized. The median marriage age in Illinois (the state Chicago is in) is 30.3 for men and 28.2 for women. I’m not sure if that’s important to you or not though.

We have a region in the country referred to as “The Bible Belt” which includes the states of: North Carolina, Mississippi, South Carolina, Arkansas, Louisiana, Georgia, Oklahoma, Tennessee, and Alabama. Sometimes Texas, Utah, and Kentucky are added to the list. These are states where a large percentage of people practice Christianity (Utah is debatable to me, since it’s majority Mormon, which I don’t think is Christianity). Many of these states are southern. Religiosity tends to affect chivalry from my experience too.

However, I’ve encountered 50/50 southern men and a man from up north who paid on all dates. Everyone is an individual and doesn’t always fit the general mindset of their location. I still think you have a better chance of finding a chivalrous man in the south vs other regions.

Marriage/divorce statistics for Illinois, overall, and each of its counties:

https://dph.illinois.gov/data-statistics/vital-statistics/marriage-divorce-statistics.html

Vital Statistics Trivia: https://dph.illinois.gov/data-statistics/vital-statistics/trivia.html

Here’s the 2020 census data of Chicago, if you’re interested in learning more about the population & living situations:

https://www.census.gov/quickfacts/fact/table/chicagocityillinois

AcceptableCourage370 · 2022-11-17T18:40:32+00:00

Dated a Dutch man for 9 months, it was a culture shock.

I’m used to at least guys being chivalrous and trying to win over affection. This was not the case here. He explicitly stated that he didn’t want to fund someone else for no reason initially as it is very expensive for him.

I was like.. ok but there’s a nicer way of saying it. He got really defensive about it. He had to pay for everything with his last girlfriend so coupled with his Dutchness this was too much.

Anyways we agreed to go 50/50, I also earnt the same as him and I thought maybe I’m also being a bit too trad right now. After this occurred, we settled into a nice relationship and he actually became more traditionally romantic and would buy me flowers, hotel nights away, chocolates yada yada without expecting anything in return.

I think with Dutch men they just don’t want to spend money on people they aren’t serious with but then when you are, they’re just a good a boyfriend as any other man.

My ex ended up being the most traditional out of all my British ex’s so don’t judge a Dutch by their cover!

Title	Dear US ladies, how hard it is to come across high value man in US? Is chivalry also almost dead there?
Author	magic_emoji
Upvotes	65
Comments	53
Date	October 13, 2022 7:16 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/y378lr/dear_us_ladies_how_hard_it_is_to_come_across_high/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dear-us-ladies-how-hard-it-is-to-come-across-high.1135784 https://theredarchive.com/post/1135784

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