I found this interesting article with an accompanying podcast by the pioneer of Cognitive behavioral therapy Dr. David Burns.

I will leave the link here and provide some of the interesting quotes: https://feelinggood.com/2020/06/29/198-dating-anxiety-and-the-secret-of-sex-appeal-featuring-special-guest-dr-matthew-may/amp/

Interesting quotes:

Why should I change?

"Matt describes another common barrier to successful dating, especially in men: entitlement and anger. He says that he, like many lonely men, used to think that “women should like me the way I am,” and “I shouldn’t have to put on airs to date.

Years ago, I pointed out that Matt was not dressing in a very sexy way, and suggested a change might be in order. Matt insisted that he shouldn’t have to, and that women should love him just as he was!

I asked Matt to fantasize about his ideal woman. Matt described a woman who’s looking terrific–great clothes, nice hair, makeup, and so forth. Then I pointed out that most women are looking for pretty much the same thing–a man who dresses well and looks his best."

Neediness:

"The Neediness Problem–telling yourself that you NEED love to feel happy and fulfilled–can drive people away and lower your attractiveness. That’s because of the Burns Rule:

People NEVER want what they CAN get, and ONLY want what they CAN’T get.

So if you’re needy, you’ll be desperate, and you’ll be what people can get. Then they won’t want you."

Needing love:

"When you discover that you can be completely happy when you’re alone, then you won’t “need” a loving partner any more. This will put you in a much stronger position, and people will be more attracted to you because you won’t be so needy and available."

Sex appeal:

"So, what’s the secret of sex appeal? Some people think it’s based on looks. Other people think it’s based on power, status, or wealth. Well, if you’re gorgeous, powerful, and wealthy, you will find that dating is a lot easier because lots of people will be attracted to you. But those are not the secrets of sex appeal, and they do not guarantee a successful marriage. I have treated many people who were gorgeous and tremendously successful, but they still suffered from severe depression and intense loneliness.

Matt and Rhonda reveal the real key to sex appeal for individuals of any gender or gender identity: self-confidence. This is pretty basic: if you think you’re hot, you’re hot. And if you think you’re not, you’re not."