Girls, what are your initial reactions to hearing that you're a guys first real relationship?

Arcaribus · 2023-01-03T13:01:55+00:00

I'm not a girl, but I still wanna share where I think you're already doing a mistake.

Worrying about something you don't have absolute control over will only make you dig your own grave.

Instead, focus on things you have absolute control over, like your mindset that makes you worry about "what if they won't like that part of me."

Just own it. Be in peace with it.

Most likely even if they will have doubts in the beginning, if it doesn't bother YOU, they'll quickly stop caring about it as well.

Don't fuel the fire.

iostefini · 2023-01-03T11:59:02+00:00

I would be a little concerned because it would indicate to me he might have some emotional immaturity. It wouldn't be something I'd lose respect or judge him for, but if there were other problems I might group them together with the lack of experience and see it as part of a pattern of problems rather than a one-off.

It would also lead me to be more understanding if he has trouble communicating in a way I'd expect in a relationship though, as long as he was willing to own it and improve.

Exis007 · 2023-01-03T13:50:07+00:00

It's kind of a null question.

Someone's dating history feels a lot like a biographical fact of little relevance to me. It's like not enjoying the flavor of bananas or winning the eight-grade spelling bee. It's a fact about you, but unless it's impacting your life in other ways, it's pretty irrelevant.

That being said, the stipulation that I am close enough to dating someone, emotionally invested enough that I am being told this information, kind of ties my hands. In the event I was gung-ho about dating someone, I wouldn't care about this particular biographical fact. I already like them, I already think they are attractive, this isn't going to sway that. But it feels disingenuous to point out that there are elements to never having had a romantic relationship that would, perhaps, stop that from having happened in the first place.

The reality is that I'm never going to be someone's first relationship. That's your parents or guardians. And between me and your parents, you've had relationships with friends, teachers, classmates, neighbors, co-workers, and roommates and a thousand other people. Romantic relationships aren't the only relationships that count, and the skills that go into having good platonic relationships are highly relevant and transferable. There are four thousand valid reasons to have never dated anyone seriously or casually before, and most of them are just fine. But if I am at an age where I'm seriously considering dating someone older than 25, I am going to have expectations of communication, boundaries, conflict management, and other things being already in fine working order to seriously consider someone as a romantic partner. Weirdly, sex isn't on that list. Sex is something you have to start at square one with for any new partner, so experience or lack thereof in that particular arena is a wash. We were going to have to reinvent that wheel anyway. The wide array of platonic relationships people have in their lives can be enough to teach you the fundamentals of all the social skills I consider to be dealbreakers for dating. There's nothing about not having a previous romantic relationship that would be a dealbreaker in that arena. But someone who was otherwise a lovely person, who otherwise was attractive and ticked the boxes, but lacked those social skills wouldn't probably make it very far with me. Nothing about never having a romantic partner necessitates that scenario, there are plenty of people with extensive dating histories who lack those skills too, but I feel it's required to say that before I throw away the question as 'no big deal'.

Putting it more plainly, I am not interested in teaching someone how to manage insecurity and jealousy, to have healthy and respectful conflict, to communicate boundaries and respect mine, or how to state and negotiate your needs. I am not interested in having to teach you that we're going to communicate about strategies to divide up the labor (domestic, invisible, etc.) between us and uphold our respective shares without a lot of cajoling. There are always quirks and bugs in that system with a new person, there's always a grace period for hammering out different styles between two people, but the fundamentals need to be in place. Emotional maturity and adult communication aren't something you can learn on the job. Again, there's nothing to say that someone who hasn't dated lacks these skills any more than to say someone who has dated extensively has them, but as these are relationship skills it's worth noting that they are mandatory.

Mean_Mechanic9889 · 2023-01-03T12:23:28+00:00

I don't really know, it could be positive (your socially inept and haven't picked up on signals from girls or have high standards in a partner etc)

On the possible negative, I'd be a little wary of how you felt about it, were you talking about being a victim etc. Also do you have something incompatible with most people (unlikely) is what I'd want to rule out.

It's all very dependant on the person's traits tbh. Asuming the socially struggling to get on in the dating world. I find it hot. It's such a good character ref for you. People who think they're good at "sex" in general, with any person or date different people every week, they're the ones I think have something wrong with them

Being someone's first relationship is an honor. Imagine the tables turned and how you'd feel about a woman in your position. That's probs a good way to judge how many woman will see things on Ave

leetcoder217 · 2023-01-03T12:50:07+00:00

In India atleast it is seen as a positive trait. West seems to be different though.

DisabledMuse · 2023-01-03T13:55:40+00:00

It doesn't really bother me. The only thing I would worry about is emotional maturity. I was my boyfriend's first real relationship at 26. But he had really great communication and boundaries and had worked a lot on improving himself.

The fact that someone wasn't in a rush to settle with the wrong person isn't a downside to me. There will always be some unique issues that can come up, but there's also some clarity to later relationships once the madness hormones of puberty have worn off.

Flimsy_Lychee_8830 · 2023-01-03T14:44:00+00:00

It makes me nervous just because they would be more prone to having the mentality of 'grass is greener on the other side' if things got serious. I've had many relationships in the past, while for my fiance I'm his first girlfriend, first kiss, and took his virginity.

melbee0123 · 2023-01-03T14:21:33+00:00

Lots of things could influence the reasons for this. Was he in school? Was he getting himself together? Perhaps he had a few issues in teens with drugs alcohol and took the time to sort them out or even get his mental health on track. Just because a man hasn’t had a relationship could mean so many things. Has he just been goal oriented and working on himself because he’s “healthy” and realized that for him a relationship may hinder his progress on achieving his goals so he stayed focused on himself. So many possibilities and no one is in any place to judge and if they do move on. Because they are not the one. The one will appreciate all you are now and not worry about why there hasn’t been anyone before.

cherishyour_solitude · 2023-01-03T14:56:38+00:00

I'm (22F) single by choice. I've never been in a relationship. When you’re single, there’s a misconception that you clearly have issues to deal with. I just prioritize my studies and career. And, I have to take care of my siblings. I don't have time to make a relationship work. And, I know there are men like me. Someone's dating history isn't a sure sign of anything, and you shouldn't take it as such.

Distinct_Face_5796 · 2023-01-03T16:17:17+00:00

I am turning 40 and have never been in a relationship. If by some miracle someone liked me no way am I volunteering that info. Guys sometimes honesty is not the best policy! Why sabotage yourself. Not a girl obviously.

ImproWedge · 2023-01-03T16:57:13+00:00

My bf and I are both a bit younger than 25, but I didnt mind being his first gf. I didnt have a relationship that lasted more than 6 months before either

Ifhes · 2023-01-03T23:34:21+00:00

I am going to tell you something that might hurt a bit, so sorry in advance. This kind of questions come from your own insecurities; people, mostly girls, would avoid to interact with you when you ask these questions because they usually lead to a conversation that is less of an interesting, meaningful talk, and more like therapy. Nobody wants to be someone else therapist for free, less so when they're a stranger.

That said, what a bunch of women on the internet tell you about their personal preferences will not help you avoid feeling insecure. It would actually most likely make you feel women (all of them) is the problem, instead of your mindset and insecurities. The solution? I don't know, therapy and working on self love, internalized ideas and the such.

CalmLake1 · 2023-01-03T14:32:08+00:00

I'm not a girl. But imo situations like these to me would just come down to convenience and experience. It's the say way with if you have sex yet, or getting ur first job, or first house, or your first baby. If you've been in a relationship before, good for you, you have experience of being with someone, and the convenience of not having to be patient or teach someone how to be in a relationship. If you haven't been in a relationship yet, the worst to happen is that there's gonna be a few mistakes before you get the hang of it. Same goes with sex and everything else. It doesn't make you immature it doesn't make you socially inept it doesn't make you this valueless human that just couldn't cut it. I hope you don't see yourself that way.

yellowscarvesnodots · 2023-01-03T22:55:09+00:00

I know two smart women in their thirties who never have been in a relationship. I know it’s noones „fault“, it just is what it is. So, while interesting, I wouldn’t think badly of the other person. I might ask why they think that is but a) I would hope the question of former relationships wouldn’t come up in the first date and b) if I was told about a former relationship I might also ask why it didn’t work out so asking why one was single should be similar.

fosho_away · 2023-01-03T17:44:29+00:00

Might depend on the person. I had a ton of relationship experience by that age but have several friends who really didn’t. I’d probably pass to leave you for a less experienced or jaded lady, but not if our chemistry was immaculate and you were nice and responsible

vb2509 · 2023-01-03T19:13:34+00:00

I would obviously be on the look out for certain red flags, emotional and mental health, cleanliness, and other things that might indicate why you haven't had one in a long time, but otherwise it wouldn't bother me at all.

There is no shame in being new to it to a lot of people. If they're judging you harshly about it, they're not good for you anyways. I was the first for someone and except for some specific issues, he was the best I ever had. We all have to start somewhere.

Xx_SwordWords_xX · 2023-01-03T21:48:33+00:00

It makes me not see him as long-term commitment, because unless he's been specifically saving himself for religious reasons, he'll eventually have a midlife crisis that he didn't get to "experience enough", and start looking around or ask for a poly relationship.

I admit though, I may be jaded from experience.

I-Passed6789 · 2023-01-04T13:10:33+00:00

We were each other's first, so it wasn't awkward or weird much. I mean I know some people who have serious lack of communication that's why they do not talk to other people. So hard for them to be in a relationship. I wouldn't mind dating a relationship virgin. As long as they are not arrogant and willing to learn in the process.

Available-Ad-9338 · 2023-01-05T22:30:49+00:00

I'd wonder if you would leave me for the next woman who gave you attention because you felt insecure that you didn't have much experience.

Title	Girls, what are your initial reactions to hearing that you're a guys first real relationship?
Author	Aspirinonpizza44
Upvotes	24
Comments	41
Date	January 3, 2023 11:29 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/1025qlc/girls_what_are_your_initial_reactions_to_hearing/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/girls-what-are-your-initial-reactions-to-hearing.1147269 https://theredarchive.com/post/1147269

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