Does anyone here have experience with polyamory?

Maffioze · 2023-01-12T17:13:15+00:00

I don't have experience with polyamory but I definitely relate to your feeling that a lot of communities that would otherwise be great for me are ruined because they are dominated by woke people.

kastebort02 · 2023-01-12T18:03:05+00:00

Indirectly, yes.

With regards to the core of your question, that I roughly understand as "can I avoid the most extreme political people?", yes. You screen them like anyone else you date. In fact people in the LGBT+-community are generally more sympathetic to men's rights than the general public. It's also where you'll find the loudest man-hater ... But they make themselves known.

Like you I'm also not super-masculine ... and that works fine.

All that said: poly can mean very different things to different people. The idealized version seems fine. In my experience poly's something that's more often brought up in unhappy relationships to avoid breaking up, or to have a new relationship lined up before they leave their current one.

I'm speaking from experience from both inside and outside of the (main) relationship.

My advice to anyone going in is to be very clear about what your boundaries are, and demand that others are as well.

Reddit1984Censorship · 2023-01-12T16:21:33+00:00

Im not against it just curious, what would be the difference between polyamory and sleeping around with friends with benefits?

heimdahl81 · 2023-01-12T19:02:44+00:00

I've been poly for 15ish years. You can do just fine without being a feminist. Most are pretty receptive to the idea that society as a system hurts men too. Just don't waste time arguing the "why" and keep your feelings on the matter to yourself.

EddgeLord666 · 2023-01-12T16:28:08+00:00

Also please don't downvote, I want people to be able to see this post so I can get useful information from this community. If you disapprove of polyamory, just move on ffs.

Poly_and_RA · 2023-01-12T20:48:54+00:00

Yes sure, there's at least a few poly folks in this sub. I'm one of them. I started learning about polyamory about a decade ago, and have been living as openly polyamorous for the last ~4 years.

You're correct that many polyamory-subs, just like many left-wing progressive and liberal spaces in general are dominated by gynocentric thinking and for example that harshly critical posts or comments about especially "cishet men" are tolerated or even encouraged where they would not be about any other demographic.

Most actual people aren't like that though. And yes I've had an absolutely FANTASTIC time over the last 4 years. I had many good years in monogamy too, but despite that it's no comparison at all and I'm definitely never even considering a monogamous relationship in the future. Polyamory ain't right for everyone, but for ME it fits a lot better than monogamy ever could.

I think you'd likely struggle with finding good connections in the poly subculture if you were a right-wing conservative with a strong preference for traditional gender-roles; I've seen some Republican men struggle with finding people they get along well with, for example. But I don't think NOT being on board with misandry is going to be a blocker for finding good connections and feeling at home in your own little corner of the polyamorous community.

Please feel explicitly invited to send me a DM if you'd like to discuss the topic more, or if you have any questions at all that you think I might be able to help answer.

International_Crew89 · 2023-01-13T02:15:53+00:00

I've always wanted to be in polyamorous relationships, but yeah, can confirm nothing but terrible impressions from the poly "community" (completely along the lines you mentioned). I got very similar results from the kink community as well (plus learned I'm just not into kink). So instead I've shifted my efforts to the swinging community, and although my partner and I haven't been super successful finding matches (swingers TEND to be an older, surprisingly politically conservative crowd), we have still found some cool new friends who aren't preoccupied with either jealousy about intimacy NOR woke politics.

Chance_Marionberry_6 · 2023-01-12T19:07:30+00:00

I am in an open relationship. And seeing two people at the same time but I would not say it is polyamory ( I am committed with one person and just seeing the other person and two months ago I moved out to different country so not sure how things will evolve).

As a non-masculine (in a traditional sense) straight male (POC) , I relate to what you are saying. As a teenager living in India and looking at the mess, called relationships, I realised that I can not just date one person. I dated a person for a while but it only had negative impact on my personality. Only when I moved to Europe, I got to try poly relationship. I do not try to be the part of polyamory community because I feel it is full of conventionally attractive white people (plus POC how follow the stereotypical standards of femininity and masculinity) and there is no place of average men. I generally view feminist in a positive light and I can not imagine dating not-feminist person. But my first hand experience with so called feminist people is average to put it politely (I have also met awesome feminists who taught me to be a better person but I can count them on my one hand).

One toxic thing about polyamory culture is : you will find many people who claim to be for free and open love but when it comes to their choices; it is as shallow as it gets. I really wish this world will change in future and we will get to see many people enjoying sharing love without going through this "free-market-dating-market" where each body has a value and only people having same value share love with each other.

Finally, More power to you. I hope you will get to share as much love you can share and make other peoples live beautiful. And I also hope that these people will also enrich your life.

BannanasAreEvil · 2023-01-12T18:02:11+00:00

That sub is toxic for reasons outside of being woke!

Your best bet when approaching polyamory is to make sure your ability to communicate and handle the needs and wants of others is strong! Being woke won't give you success just as not being woke won't keep you from succeeding.

It's going to come down to how well you can handle multiple relationships in a way that serves more then just you! If you don't have the capacity to have empathy for everyone involved you will struggle to succeed and would be better practicing ENM with a partner who is ok and wants to do that as well.

BitsAndBobs304 · 2023-01-12T18:30:18+00:00

Jusy ignore the "spaces" and "communities". Be like me, practicing my polyamory by being single cuz too ugly and autistix

griii2 · 2023-01-12T16:56:43+00:00

Does negative answer help? :)

katzenkratzen69420 · 2023-01-12T17:16:20+00:00

Some of my gay friends are polyamorous, some of them are woke, some of them are completely unwoke. I think for gay people this concept works very well and you can find all sorts of differently thinking people.

hshsgdve · 2023-01-13T03:24:31+00:00

Most people who successfully live that lifestyle don’t talk about it with others.

The college campus “polygamy” is just cheating while trying to make it sound cultured.

hendrixski · 2023-01-15T04:29:05+00:00

I have family in a polyamory community. I'm not philosophically opposed to it, it certainly makes my cousin happy, though it's certainly not for everyone (myself included).

If you're worried about your ideals not meshing well within such a group then all I can say (as an outside observer) is that the group-think within any one such group appears to be overwhelming. They have to talk A LOT, settle drama A LOT, and align themselves to the group A LOT. So you'd have to find a group that is aligned with your more egalitarian views or else you'll be expected to change your views to conform to the group belief system. For perspective: The rest of my family is not 100% sure whether my cousin a cult or not.

My cousin is a woman, so I don't know what are the legal obligations on fathers in polyamory communities. If I were to get involved in something like that, I would spend a lot of time researching what the child-support burden of the average man is within a polyamorous group.

Hope that's helpful to you?

itismetheinternet · 2023-01-13T16:32:13+00:00

I've been involved with partners in both functional and dysfunctional polyamorous relationships. In both situations I was one of their partners rather than the other way around. It was fine... very normal feeling compared almost two of decades of serial monogamy. The time they spent with someone else was no different than as if they were seeing a friend or a family member. The added bonus is that you never have to feel worried whether or not your partner is being honest.. at least when it comes to romantic, emotional and sexual intimacy. For my part it was easier and more pleasant than past relationships. The balance of time without them was fine because I have personal obligations that meant i couldn't spend a lot of my time dating. Both ended up relocating far enough away things became impractical. I'm currently in an open relationship and it's the best relationship I've ever had. I'm cool with her other guy (on and off for 4 years now... he's married) and I've also had auxiliary partners... but it's mostly monogamy by default because we're working adults.

I don't have to tell you that almost all relationships are eventually dysfunctional. If you have more relationships you are prone to have more dysfunction. That was the case with the "dysfunctional" situation. The specifics aren't helpful but I'll put it this way.. it's like the difference between a single speed and a ten speed bike. There are more points of failure in the ten speed but having a gear box can make the trip easier.

In my experience it wasn't so much an open season for cheating than a way to balance emotional and practical needs. Appearances are subjective but everyone was what I think most folks would call unassuming and normal. I was the oldest in both situations.

To sum it up I think polyamorous relationships are... just an option like trucks, vans and motorcycles are options. If you need it then it's there which I think is great.

If I could do my 20s over again I would either be poly or just single. The time and money that went into impractical and improbable relationships had permanent consequences. You never get time back. Polyamory may not satisfy a void you have leaving home and the anxiety of "competition" (not at all how I think of it) may be too much out of the gate.

But now that I've seen so many divorces...divorces with kids especially I can't say there is one kind of relationship that is better than another. Polyamorous types put individual needs and practicality in the forefront which can help prevent them from boiling over.

Also it needs to be said that at some point you realize that people are breaking up over sexual needs too. .it's ridiculous in my opinion. Everyone is prone to a health emergency or an accident... Everybody's mind and body changes with age too. I think it's unreasonable that two able bodied people should be sexually in sync for 40+ years - And that an asynchronous period Should override the trust you have in a person who may end up taking care of your estate or your parents or your children. My ten cents. EDITS... written on a phone in a parking lot

JakeMWP · 2023-01-12T18:55:44+00:00

I was in two different poly relationships, and they were VERY different. In one I was married and we opened up. I was on the road 2-3 months a year without my partner for work. I'd visit some long time friends that were slightly more than friends and I'd usually find someone to date while onsite with a client. My partner was very controlling of these relationships anytime they would start to get bigger. Then gaslight me that she wasn't controlling. She'd also decide the rules we agreed to were bad on a whim and change them because she wanted to spend time with someone else. It lasted a couple years before it ended in divorce (mostly due to the abuse escalating to things getting thrown at me and her shoving me next to the top of the stairs once, and outting me as bi and poly to my very religious parents). There was also a lot of shitty behavior about me not really being bi or attracted to men. She once shouted at me that "you're not gay! You wouldn't date a man!" And this was after we'd talked about wanting threesomes and I wanted to get fucked in the ass while she and I were having sex.

The second was about as ideal as poly can be imo. I was very close friends with her and her primary partner before we started dating. It was intense and romantic at the start. There was a while we would spend 3-4 nights a week together, and it went really well for about a year. Then we would have some spats, and sometimes she'd yell which I really didn't like. We worked at setting healthy boundaries so she would not come over in a bad mood and then the yelling stopped. After a few years of setting more concrete boundaries we ended mostly as friends, and I realized it pretty done when I was spending more time gaming with her primary than I was spending with her. The whole time we dated she was very supportive of me dating men, and it was great to have someone to talk to about these dates. My dates with men were much more casual and never went past the 3rd date. There was one time I had a crush on a girl and my gf did some real intense Facebook stalking of this person which felt weird but she stressed that she was okay with trying to pursue that and she was aware of how weird it was and kinda apologized.

I think being poly is awesome if you have a good partner who is actually supportive and actually on board with it. I've seen many partners who don't really want an open relationship, but they don't want to break up. That can be really unhealthy for everyone involved. On the other hand, when my gf was being incredibly insensitive or just kinda unavailable I could lean on her primary partner to talk to and see if there is something in her life causing her to be this way (she had really intense and semi irregular periods). So being able to have two people who know you well and are able to say "hey are you sure feel this way, or are you just in pain" was super helpful for both of us and our gf.

It really depends on how much effort you are willing to put in to make that type of relationship work. Also it takes anyone you bring to be on board. I've definitely run into people (men and women) who say they are okay with being a secondary partner with the intent to steal them away.

Personally I swing either way monogamous or poly because I feel like I mostly only have time for one relationship and I really like when that relationship is part-time and I can focus on myself most of the time. Happy to answer any specific questions as well.

SaltSpecialistSalt · 2023-01-15T18:11:27+00:00

your concerns are very valid. it is really hard to find a rational polyamory person. i had a open girlfriend which i had to explain how males can be raped too. she seemed to agree at that moment. and few years later when the same topic came up she was back saying "men cannot be raped". in the end i had to end my relationship and cut contact with her because of her constant mental gymnastics to not accept feminist immorality

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