How do you get started?

FlatZookeepergame268 · 2023-02-06T17:46:01+00:00

I set up a new gmail account, got a skype account that I could hide in my Microsoft 360 subscription, and used my brother's credit card for initial consultations and the retainer. Make sure you are primary account holder on all your accounts, banks, phones, credit cards. Know where all your assests are and screen shot balances the day you do file. First thing she did when she found out was cancel cards and empty the bank accounts to financially starve me. I have a business account and card, and that's kept me alive short term, but I'm scrimping until Temporary Orders can be heard. Start journaling now, every bit of abuse and nastiness, write it down somewhere safe. IDK if it matters, but I can say "on this date we were X and she said X," which, if it's relevant, is better than the he said/she said crap that flies. Watch out for DV allegations. My STBX's friend outright told her what to do to get me thrown out of the house and to get custody, and the bar is very low. I didn't find the initial consultations with lawyers helpful, and wish I'd spent more time lining up a plan, but maybe that's just not something they do, or my case went from filing to hell too fast. Also, brace yourself--everybody I know and even some trusted family friends have come out to call me the most vile and worthless piece of shit that exists. It's gotten into my head, all this hate about how I'm emotionally abusing my kids and dependent on them for my happiness, responsible for every single deficiency they have at school, it doesn't stop.

MartyMcFly7 · 2023-02-06T22:34:56+00:00

I was married 25+ years in California. Also first marriage, also 2 kids about to become adults. We lived together for about 2 years during that time (arguing over who would get the house). It's difficult to uncouple everything after so many years together.

We started with mediation, which I strongly recommend if you're both agreeable to it. But your wife sounds a lot like my ex, which is unfortunate. We had one session before she got angry and called a lawyer. From that point on, things moved staggeringly slowly (which increases billable hours). The more conflict you have, the more expensive it gets. We're not well off by any means, but our divorce ran about $80,000 by the time it was over. And that was without going to court!
What took the longest were the settlement offers going back and forth between the lawyers and the demands for all the paperwork.
If I had to do it all over, I'd ignore my lawyer's advice and file for a trial date right away. It took OVER A YEAR to get one, and that was AFTER a year of trying to settle. You don't HAVE to go to court, it just keeps things from dragging out. If you haven't settled by the time of the trial, you probably weren't going to.
There will likely be a mandatory settlement conference before the trial. Ours was overseen by a judge in a courtroom and this is where we settled our major differences.
All told, it took about 3 years from the request for a divorce to the decree.
Once you file, she will have 30 days to find a lawyer and respond.
If you can wait until your kids are 18, yes, it will make things easier. Ours took so long that one kid aged-out and the other was close. But with one under 18, there were a lot of custody disputes, support calculations, and infighting that didn't need to take place.
After filing, my ex took out thousands from our joint account and opened her own, at her attorney's advice. Since we were still married, it was still her money. You might consider paying off any debts, moving 50% to a personal account, and telling her to do likewise. From that point on, you'll both need to work out how to pay bills. My ex and I worked out a percentage. We'd each make payments to the old joint account and use it to pay bills.
Note that once you file, there are a few rules that automatically go into place. You won't be able to take your kids out of state without her permission, and you won't be able to make any insurance changes. I got stuck paying for my ex's health insurance for years and later had to ask for a reimbursement. Make any insurance and beneficiary changes before you file (while it's still legal to do so).
Spousal support is one of the most contested issues and there are only basic calculators. It is supposed to be "rehabilitative" in CA, but if your wife is too old, disabled, or suddenly becomes "disabled" during the divorce process (happened to me!), it could last for life. With any luck, she will get remarried and you won't have to pay it for life. But you could offer her a lump some (perhaps in the form of one of the homes) in exchange for not receiving support.
Support will likely be based on your current income. At least, that's what her attorney will argue you are capable of earning. But if your income drops in the future, you can always ask the court to make an adjustment.
Speaking of, if you draft a settlement, try to include cohabitation as cause to end support.
Be prepared for sticker shock on her first offer. It's usually ridiculous so they can negotiate down from there.
Keep in mind that if you see a lawyer, she can't hire that lawyer. (See all the nastiest lawyers.)
You have a right to use community money to see a lawyer. Take it out of the ATM so there is no paper trail. If she asks about it, tell her it's a surprise. You'll just have to get creative. Maybe ask your wife if it's okay to loan a friend or family member some money, then have them give it right back to you.
If things get really nasty, there are apps you can download for your phone to record conversations.
My advice is to just keep reading here and elsewhere. There is a lot to learn and there are a lot of great men's sites and videos out there.

BTW, I've been divorced for about a year now and I love it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but it was worth it. Love my life without that angry wench.

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-02-06T17:55:10+00:00

Resources:

Don't Move Out: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=81622

Preparing for Divorce: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13374

How to Find an Attorney: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=13377

Responsible_Ice2426 · 2023-02-06T18:02:40+00:00

just to add to the above, change passwords to all your personal accounts. Be ready that she will charge credit cards that’s on your name, so shut those down. Open your own account and route your income checks there. Be polite to her at all times, assume you’re being recorded. Don’t take any loans and don’t move anywhere, because properties will get divided. If you have savings account, take half. She will bark and throw tantrums, but ignore those. Communicate with her through your lawyer. Be firm and polite and just remember it will pass… sorry and good luck.

gnackered · 2023-02-06T20:55:37+00:00

Spousal support is based on recent income. typically last 3 years. I have some ambition towards retiring early and have been advised to wait until 3 years after I retired to file.

In CA, the judge can order lifetime alimony for marriages in excess of ten years. Any chance you could move to AZ?

wisstinks4 · 2023-02-06T19:56:40+00:00

Why divorce her? Is it knowing she’s bat shit crazy? You need to call a law firm to get legal lined up right away. Your wife’s terrible advice to your daughters is prove that she’s a little off her rocker. I hope this divorce goes well for you and you do not get taken to the cleaners and come out OK on the other side.

Gattsama · 2023-02-07T04:08:57+00:00

Sent you a DM, I was in WA and no kids. You need to contact an attorney yesterday. See the DM but in brief, create new accounts. The day you file, transfer 50% of all liquid assets into your new accounts, cancel all joint accounts you can, and then file. Filing locks in current debts. Anything new she creates is on her. Don't worry about the nearly 18y your old you will be lucky to wrap this up in a year they will age out during the BS. And even if they don't worst case they get a couple of months of support.

In CA after 10 years, she can. Eligible for life long alimony. Alimony is normally calculated based on your imputed income, which isn't how much you make, but how much you can make. And often comes doesn't to your last 3 years tax returns. She will also be imputed.

CA (and every state).is no fault. It doesn't matter what she did, didn't do or vice versa. It's totally irrelevant to the money split.

Get a court date ASAP!!! Negotiations can drag on forever, but the threat of the court date and judge often pushes the other side to actually settle. Again in my case no kids, the eX canceled mediation twice ND refused to sign off of the sale of them home (which sew delayed listing for months). Once I said fuck it, see you in court (in WA court date is assigned 11mo after filing) literally that week we got everything handled (Nov 2022, court date was set for Jan 3rd 2023).

Good luck sorry for the BS and drama you are about to enter. Not as well off as yourself but had some decide assets. The entire process cost about $90k and she wasted a total of nearly $400k of potential wealth. And that's no kids and simple (if valuable) assets.

Small_Quarter_3673 · 2023-02-07T07:43:07+00:00

Why the secrecy? If you want to divorce you tell her and do it

FastLaneKindaGuy · 2023-02-07T19:58:48+00:00

Once the genie is out of the bottle she ain’t going back in!

So prepare yourself!

I would highly recommend that you use a mediator or mediation service. Call your county clerk and ask if they have a recommendation for you.

Mediation is your best option to get out of this divorce with the least financial damage. You can hire an attorney to help you with forms etc.

First step is to serve your spouse papers. This is the letting the genie out of the bottle. All hell is going to break loose and set off a cascade of shit.

Recommendation…once you serve papers…absolutely no texts, chats, emails, or crazy phone calls. Take down your social media accounts. Tell your HR at work that you are in the process of a divorce and that you expect your spouse to inquire about employment records etc. and you would like to know or review any such request for records.

Whatever happened in the past with your spouse doesn’t matter to the court. Keep your private life private. This isn’t a time to bash your spouse, although she is going to slander you mercilessly.

Talk to your daughters and let them know everything will be okay and that you love them. Schedule time to meet them for lunch/dinner. No need to go into details about your divorce because they will take that back to their mom.

Divorce is a long road and it is difficult. Find something to focus on…work more. Don’t sit at home having a pity party for yourself!

If at all possible, in mediation, ask if there is a dollar amount or scenario where your spouse could move on without alimony. The worst thing ever is having to write a damn check to your spouse every month. You’re better off trying to give her a lump sum to go away.

Title	How do you get started?
Author	now_you_know_me
Upvotes	5
Comments	14
Date	February 6, 2023 5:29 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/10vcgmt/how_do_you_get_started/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-get-started.1151728 https://theredarchive.com/post/1151728

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