Blindside her, or try to make it amicable?

dday_throwaway3 · 2023-02-12T13:02:50+00:00

You're overthinking it. You serve her with divorce papers. You don't talk to her about it before hand. Doing so will work against you. There are a ton of false DV accusation stories in this sub, which is a common tactic women use to gain the upper hand during divorce. Serving her first provides some protection against that. You also need to take additional steps. Read more here: https://forum.mensdivorce.com/viewtopic.php?t=80375

ranger69danger · 2023-02-12T07:56:03+00:00

I did the humane thing and let her know formally in person: I printed and signed papers in front of her and handed her the pen.

It did not work out well for me that way. Still waiting eleven months in for the “refi attempt” that is “very close”.

captainchippsixx · 2023-02-12T15:28:47+00:00

If you try, it opens you up to a lot of crap that she can try. The biggest is fleeing with the baby so you can’t see them and filling false abuse like claims etc to stall you. She can empty accounts. File to have you kicked out of the house.

She could still do all those things but it’s much harder and the repercussions in court will be worse if you file first and have a plan with your lawyer.

I would put alerts on the accounts. I would have $500 cash available on hand. I would move any valued possessions into storage or with family. I would open a new account with the same bank just under your name and send direct deposit there. You can make transfers after that for bills etc. I would put alerts on credit cards and lower limits.

I’m sure there is someone out there that’s knows more than me.

007--Chill · 2023-02-12T06:58:09+00:00

There is no favorable. Unless you are fortunate. I thought about that. It has been more than a year and still not done. It a 💩 show!

ReadyPosition4015 · 2023-02-12T20:02:49+00:00

These fellas are right! Ive been doing mine for 30+months. Once you let her know you want the divorce, she becomes your enemy. If you think she will be nice about it thats only because you dont know the gravity of the situation. When she grasps it. She will do anything to hurt you and draw first blood.

traderjoesbeforehoes · 2023-02-13T17:59:43+00:00

youre not divorcing the person you married. its very rare that this will be amicable no matter how optimistic you are. good luck.

Gattsama · 2023-02-12T07:14:00+00:00

Really only you can answer that based on what you know about her and your situation. But you want everything lined up prior to talking to her if you choose too.

Make a list of all assets and debts. Have a backup plan of where to live (ideally don't leave the home, especially if kids). Talk to an attorney and have them on back up. Understand the likely alimony length and amount based on your situation. Etc etc

Once you have your plan fully formed you can talk to her if you choose, suggest mediation but have everything ready to go if things go sidewise.

Personally, would file first then talk to her. Filing locks in the current status quo for debts, assets and custody. You want mediation if possible (with or without attorneys for each of you). This shit can get expensive and crazy for quickly if either party chooses.

derelictherds · 2023-02-12T08:32:55+00:00

Sounds like you've already given her a heads-up. How did she react when you mentioned divorce?

FUMoney · 2023-02-12T10:23:47+00:00

There is no “blindside” here. If you’ve said it multiple times, that is putting her on notice multiple times. Just say you are moving forward. Only if you agree on everything can you file an uncontested, joint divorce. If any disagreements, then you file separately.

So don’t get hung up on the notice / surprise issue, that’s already been addressed by you. No, the real issue you face now is, contested or uncontested? Amicable, or material areas of disagreement concerning custody, child support, spousal support? That’s your focus right now.

Seemedlikefun · 2023-02-12T16:56:26+00:00

You've given her the ethical heads up several times recently. Anything else is just stirring the pot. Gather financial, medical, and other important papers and secure them for the discovery phase. Hire your attorney and tell them that mediation is what you would prefer but want to be armed for warfare. Direct deposit your paycheck into a separate account but continue to pay bills as normal. Change passwords on anything that may become a means to siphon off assets. Pull credit reports and historical information from joint accounts. Set up alerts on atm cash withdrawals. If legal, record any conversations with her going forward

CaliDude75 · 2023-02-12T19:33:40+00:00

I did not retain counsel before I said I wanted the divorce, but did within the next few days. I guess it depends on what you expect her reaction to be.

If she’s emotionally unstable, and you think she’d fly off the handle, I’d get the papers drafted up discreetly, and present them to her. Of course, there’s no guarantee she won’t fly off the handle at that point either.

FastAd1509 · 2023-02-12T20:47:43+00:00

Finish her!

NocturnalCoder · 2023-02-13T19:19:54+00:00

Ok, different point of view as I am from Belgium and we have a very different legal system. I look at it this way: no fault state so legally, things can be worked out. But you have a kid together man. I read horror stories here, and I totally understand cause of the legal stuff in their situation. But as humans: talk. Communicate. Tell her how you feel and try to not blaim her. Blindsighting her will 100% piss her off. I understand the financial part, but as a divorced guy myself (42, 2 kids) the most important factor in this should be your kid. They have got nothing to do with this but have to undergo. And pissing off the mom and making yourself the enemy to her could go directions you never even considered.

Talk to her. Try to communicate, make it fair. Make it amicable and make sure your kid gets the best deal. Not just financially but also on an emotional level. I am divorced for 5 years and my ex wife and kids have just left during her week having diner at my place. I got to see them, they got to see adult people being mature and loving them and putting their own shit aside for the kids. I have seen th opposite with friends where one pissed of the other during divorce and it becomes a pissing contest and throwing shit to the other parent which is horrible for kids cause even if you divorce, you kids will still see each as a parent and having mom demonizing dad cause he did a Blitzkrieg is not what they need. Try to come to an agreement at least first, and don't go to the last penny. Go for what is best for you kid.

Title	Blindside her, or try to make it amicable?
Author	XxJustadudexX
Upvotes	2
Comments	14
Date	February 12, 2023 6:49 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1109cpa/blindside_her_or_try_to_make_it_amicable/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/blindside-her-or-try-to-make-it-amicable.1151904 https://theredarchive.com/post/1151904

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