Dealing with jealousy - boyfriend looking at women he knows on IG

buni223 · 2023-03-07T07:17:51+00:00

I think you should listen to your intuition without hamster wheeling. You’ve only known him for two months but you know him better than we do. Keep vetting. I actually disagree with someone who said to conquer jealousy with pride; being prideful can lead you to avoiding red flags or dumping people who might’ve been a good match for you. That’s bad advice imho. You shouldn’t be making major decisions based on pride, jealousy, anger, depression, etc. You can conquer anything with rationality, while also listening to your heart.

Personally, this would really bother me. I’ve gone snooping before and dodged major bullets. I found out sooner rather than later and wouldn’t take it back because you know what? Sometimes people lie, even if you’re being upfront. However, I’ve never snooped on the man I’m currently with because he’s that trustworthy and we have much of the same values. He actually unfollowed girls he wasn’t personally friends with on social media without me even asking once we started seeing each other.

If he’s treated you well thus far and isn’t following a bunch of weird accounts on instagram, then I’d relax. Two months isn’t a long time. You have more to discover about him. He may or may not be the right guy but that doesn’t mean you have to torture yourself over this, just do not feed into racing thoughts and don’t ignore your intuition.

Armchair678 · 2023-03-07T02:44:58+00:00

You don’t know why he searched her. Don’t assume bad intentions. You’re with him, not her. There’s no need to be jealous.

CauliflowerElegant76 · 2023-03-07T14:26:12+00:00

It’s possible you’re reading too far into this since all he did was search her up… however, it’s always a good idea to listen to your intuition. If your intuition tells you that it’s not innocent curiosity, then you’re probably right.

You definitely have a right to be upset. Personally, I’d see it as crossing a boundary, especially the fact that he follows girls he’s previously hooked up with. For most of us, that’s a big red flag. Even worse is guys who follow random models and OF girls on IG bc that’s just cringey and simp behaviour. It’s good that your bf doesn’t follow those but it’s still a bit sus that he follows girls he’s hooked up with before. There’s nothing wrong with following girls he knows, as long as he’s not crossing your boundaries and oogling at their pictures.

It’s still pretty early on in your relationship, if I were you, I’d just try to see if there are any more red flags. You can bring this up to him but a lot of the time, guys will call you insecure when you bring up your discomfort with something like this. If this guy means a lot to you and you wanna stay in this relationship, then it’s good to bring it up and see what his reaction is. If he freaks out and defends his behaviour, that will tell you a lot about him.

Also I disagree with the comments on here saying that men are men and will look at other girls pictures. Those are weak men. A high value male will be sexually disciplined and not fall victim to his desires. There are men out there who don’t follow IG accounts with revealing pictures and those are the men who deserve our time and love.

secret_4ever13 · 2023-03-07T05:39:15+00:00

Hey!

I know how it feels. I do sometimes go through my partner's history (I know...) and have noticed him looking at his friend's girls.

Hmm, it doesn't feel good, but I think that I'm more than just a pretty face to him. I'm very loving to him, takes care, have great s*x lyf and we generally adore each other. I do feel a blow to my pride when I see him looking at other girls, but now I think its just the nature of Men. They like looking at pretty girls and I don't think we can do anything about it. Also, at some point, we need to stop compare ourselves with other pretty girls as, again, we can't do anything about it.

Given your relationship is so new, its best to not take anything as malicious. Best to concentrate on building the kind of life you want with your partner. See if he fits your "guy type" instead of worrying that if you are pretty enough for him. You are in your late 20s, so both of you would have enough life exp and dating exp., so you guys must have chosen each other based on more than just the looks.

I know its difficult to handle jealousy, but its the only way. Just like for making money, you have to work, but the paycheck is usually worth it. Similarly, working through jealousy and not letting it obsess you is difficult, but once you get over it, life is pretty darn good!

Edit: Also, its important to not overanalyze people. You want your guy to be relaxed around you and not be guarded. Give your relationship at least 6-9 months before marking him as your "territory". I know that you are exclusive, but guys need to realize that they wanna come back to you after work / after long-day. Be a nice presence in his life. However, if you feel that he is constantly looking at other girls, even after 6-9 months, then definitely you might want to analyze the situation a bit more.

onuf_ · 2023-03-08T13:53:58+00:00

One thing i learned is that intuition rarely fails. He's not committed, you're just there to pass time and be railed. Decent guys come as rare as decent girls nowadays. Be wary.

Boolzay · 2023-03-07T02:26:16+00:00

Advice, don't bring it up, especially this early in a relationship. Conquer jealousy with pride.

worldlysentiments · 2023-03-07T03:31:12+00:00

My husband knows a lot of women 🙃 he’s a friendly person and through his 20s met a lot of people, traveled, was military. A lot of people on his socials are women. Because of this I do sometimes see my eye be like 👀👀👀👀 over when I see one pop up on his feed or whatever but usually I just ignore it. It could be anything, maybe they got a new car or dog or posted something interesting and he went to go look at it again on her page. Maybe he thinks her fiancé is ugly so he took a second glance lol. Maybe he’s nosey to see if they posted anything about their wedding planning. Endless possibilities. I think if he starts locking his phone after this and being weird then it’s different but you said he isn’t guarded about it at all then it’s likely nothing. He probably deleted it because he knew you saw it and sensed the tension.

Worst case he looked to get rocks off. Unless you’ve both been forward about no porn or no whatever then, I would say that it’s a non issue. But also you can’t put that sexual intent onto that lady who may not have even been sexual in some way, to prove that it was for “rocks off”. Ya know?

Flat_Shower · 2023-03-07T02:28:10+00:00

To take a step back; I don’t mean to imply you had any intention of doing so, but seeing his search history is a major invasion of privacy. How would you feel about him seeing your Google search history? Some weird stuff, probably that you can explain away if given the chance? I think you’re getting in your own head. If I understand correctly; your boyfriend searched for his friend’s fiancé? Why did he look her up? Did you ask him? If you don’t know why your boyfriend searched his friend’s f i a n c e (I can’t stress this enough) … you are in your own head.

Equivalent_Local_701 · 2023-03-07T22:56:05+00:00

I would be worried if he wasn’t looking at girls. That’s not normal

aussiedollface2 · 2023-03-08T08:11:10+00:00

Like let’s be honest he probably thinks she’s hot, because she is. He went for a little look. I wouldn’t like seeing this kind of thing but o accept my husband maybe does it too I dunno.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeee · 2023-03-08T00:18:55+00:00

Tbh I would snoop through his phone. This is how it started with my ex who turned out to be secretly addicted to porn and eventually made a secret instagram to follow local slutty girls. I wouldn't confront him, that would just make him more careful in the future with covering up any shady actions.

Look at his searches on all social media apps. Look through his reddit and YouTube history. If he has an Android, go on google.com and look through his activity log if he is logged in. Look through his notes app and photos. Quick scroll through who he messages. Instagram can also show you which accounts you engage with and which ones you don't, look at this.

I don't think you are necessarily jumping to conclusions like others are saying. You might be picking up on something subconsciously. I know I was with my ex, but I also posted on reddit and people told me that I'm assuming and overreacting, and to just talk to him about it. If you're not normally insecure and pessimistic in relationships, I would trust your intuition.

CountTheBees · 2023-03-07T05:29:23+00:00

The way to solve this for now: you could ask him how so-and-so is going. Just tell him you saw her name pop up in his instagram the other day, and you were curious if everything was alright. The way he answers should put you at ease - if he says "oh yeah she's fine. I was just messaging her about <something>" then it's all cool. If he tries to pretend he doesn't know what you're talking about - that's a red flag.

Just so you know: you're freaking out about something that is not likely to be true. There are innocent reasons for him to have her in his search history but you've jumped straight to the bad one. Maybe worth considering why that was your first reaction and how you can work on that. Eg, I do think it is suspicious that he clears his instagram history. But maybe he has a good reason for that, I sometimes clear my browser recommendations because I want to spend less time on the internet and if it's harder for me to find certain sites it can be enough to remind me I should stop browsing.

Just for reference I don't think him ogling pictures of his friend's fiancee is okay. If that's what he was doing then you're well within your rights to find a man that doesn't do that (they are out there). But I also don't think that you should assume he was doing that. You need to give him the benefit of the doubt when there's uncertainty, because if you just assumed guilty till proven innocent every time, you could be throwing away a perfectly good man over your own insecurities. You have to be comfortable with asking him questions and he has to be comfortable answering them - which means you need to ask in a way that doesn't put him on edge. At the start of my comment I typed an example for how to ask without making it sound like he was perving on her. Stuff like that. And once you're more comfortable with asking him, you won't spend as long obsessing over it for hours or days which means it's not as big of a deal because it can be addressed right then.

AcceptableCourage370 · 2023-03-07T13:41:06+00:00

He’s a guy, he’s gonna look at other women. It’s totally normal. Me and my gal pals, many of whom are in relationships look at other hot men.

It’s about intention. If he’s texting women with intent, then that’s a no. If he’s just casually scrolling/snooping then man, we all do that. You don’t know why he searched her; and maybe he’s now feeling embarrassed about it so deleted it.

Just approach it logically and rationally

hadyayasmin · 2023-03-07T16:13:14+00:00

honestly, i’d break up with him. i know, sounds extreme, but it’s normal to feel jealousy towards a man you like. if you are anxious as to why he did it, thats not a good sign. in a relationship, you should respect one another and if you two are exclusive then theres no need to search someone else. i get it, curiosity occurs, but if he is fully invested he would not have the need to search other women, even if he is just wondering. this anxiety will manifest through your relationship. when i was getting cheated on and had his instagram logged into my phone, he searched many, i mean many, women and i would reject my gut feeling. months later i found out he actually was on dating apps, just hid it well. as a lesson, im always on high alert. if he is genuinely invested his eyes wont be wandering. maybe my take is extreme, but if im doing so much for a man in physical, emotional and sexual aspects, i DESERVE his 100% back. if i get hit on at college and dont bat an eye, he should as well. maybe thats just me.

ivysaurah · 2023-03-07T13:21:45+00:00

Personally, I would calmly bring it up and make a boundary. If he doesn’t follow it, move on. It’s early. You two aren’t in love yet, it’s infatuation. But approach the subject with logical and be calm, don’t cry and be emotional about it. Figure out what you want to say beforehand. “I noticed you doing this, I appreciate how open you are with your social media, but it makes me uncomfortable and undermines my trust early in the relationship. I need to know what we can do moving forward to compromise on this in a healthy way for the both of us. I would prefer if sexual fantasies were kept to p0rn sites if necessary rather than people you know out of respect for me.” If he can’t handle this maturely, then I wouldn’t waste more time.

As traditional women, we need to be picky in who we choose to support and guide us. My now husband and I gave access to one another’s phones once we began dating. It made me uncomfortable that he still had women on his social media (and he didn’t search them up) that were obviously thirst follows, and he didn’t want me following random men I no longer kept contact with. We cleared out. And now we don’t have IG at all because we felt it wasn’t productive in our relationship (he deleted his without prompting, I already had stopped using mine as much so I followed that example). Now we are so focused on our business and future that we only really use our business social pages.

My husband was my first boyfriend because I was so picky. Still got married at 20 because I didn’t waste my time on people who didn’t share my values. If they did something I didn’t like and would have emotional responses to my discomfort, I would move on. Masculinity is remaining logical and guiding and protecting. Again, as traditional women we need to be careful who we place into this position of power over our lives. Use logic over emotion in the early stages of a relationship. Don’t compromise on things that you know you can’t compromise on. A real man isn’t obsessed with something as childish as social media. A real woman isn’t posting thirst traps online for random attention. It’s been 5 years of marriage and I have never been happier. I don’t have regrets, he is a strong leader who listens to my concerns and takes them into account in private. We are having a daughter this fall.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2023-03-07T22:31:49+00:00

So you noticed that he had recently searched for his friend’s fiancé on Instagram and you think it’s a red flag? Have you never looked up a friend’s boyfriend/fiancé/husband before?

I think when men are following a lot of random ig models it’s a red flag, but looking up a friend’s fiancé is very innocent. Like I think this is a big overreaction on your part.

This is your hamster is overdrive. Ask yourself why you want to believe this is some lustful purpose. I feel like you’re looking for a reason to breakup more than you think this is an actual reason… because this is not a reason to leave your partner

skyline402 · 2023-03-08T00:26:57+00:00

Women give horrible advise to other women. Cant make this shit up 🤣

AutoModerator · 2023-03-07T02:02:56+00:00

Title: Dealing with jealousy - boyfriend looking at women he knows on IG

Full text: My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, official for 1. We are the same age, in our late twenties. So far he has not shown any signs of disloyalty, he treats me well. He’s very masculine and I’m very attracted to him (as are other women, I can tell). He isn’t secretive with his phone, he’s told me his passcode so I can cue up music in the car and such.

The other day we were looking up a venue on Instagram on his phone, and I noticed his search history had been cleared except for one search, a woman. He spelled the name of the venue wrong and I told him how to spell it but I could tell he hesitated to delete it probably because I’d see the woman’s pic and handle again when the search field was blank. I didn’t say anything about it. I made a mental note of her handle (I know…) and looked her up later - I realized he knows her personally as she’s engaged to his friend and possibly friends with him too). She’s gorgeous and looks nothing like me.

Later on he was searching for something else on IG and I noticed he had deleted that search and his search history was completely blank. It felt like he really didn’t want me to see who he’s searching so my instinct tells me that looking her up wasn’t out of innocent curiosity but sexually driven. I’ve never expressed any jealousy, anything to motivate him to hide things.

It does not feel good to know that he’s seeking out beautiful women he knows on IG. If she was some random stranger, it would also not feel great but I could handle it. I feel nauseous at the thought of him lusting after his female friends/friends’ girlfriends/fiancées/wives. And doing who knows what, men are men and he might have even masturbated to her pictures (which are not provocative but she’s a beautiful woman with selfies and the occasional bikini pic).

I don’t know what to do…it really hurts. How do I cope with this? Is this just something I have to accept men do? I’m afraid of bringing it up and having him think I’m insecure, controlling, etc. or causing him to hide things further. I’ve read the posts about how men are visual and jealousy and forbidden fruit. Is the best course of action to appear unfazed by things like this?

^{This is the original text of the post and this is an automated service}

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

Extension_Target_821 · 2023-03-08T06:26:13+00:00

He’s a guy, this is what we do. Just ignore it.

Title	Dealing with jealousy - boyfriend looking at women he knows on IG
Author	throwawayyy6426
Upvotes	32
Comments	45
Date	March 7, 2023 2:02 AM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/11klrlg/dealing_with_jealousy_boyfriend_looking_at_women/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/dealing-with-jealousy-boyfriend-looking-at-women.1154203 https://theredarchive.com/post/1154203

Comments