What are men’s rights on knowledge of infidelity and do they deserve to know?

iainmf · 2023-03-11T23:31:46+00:00

This isn't exactly a men's rights issue. But I've allowed it.

The_Bearded_Cyclist · 2023-03-11T23:44:05+00:00

Because you lied to him about something that is basic foundational knowledge for his world to exist.

You were selfish by having the affair. You were selfish for trying to have another man raise the children and so you committed paternity fraud.

And you're still being selfish by denying your children the right to know very important things. Of course your son will act this way. Absolutely he has every right to know the truth of his birth, you dont want him to know because it's an inconvenience for you and you don't want to be held accountable.

Edit: even your line about... The husband finding out so YOU left him. So if he didn't find out you would have stuck around so he could raise another man's children while you probably continue to cheat. Wow you are not a good person.

Dismal-Cabinet5321 · 2023-03-11T23:44:02+00:00

I'm sorry I genuinely don't understand how you can ask this without literally being a literal, clinical psychopath

Do you not have any empathy?

If you do, it must only extend to women or something. Men are people too.

Fuzzy_Department2799 · 2023-03-12T00:47:12+00:00

This has to be a troll. If not, you lied and cheated on the ex who you were gold digging. You lied to the children about something very important to their lives, and you don't understand why he is upset with you. For his sake, I hope he gets away from someone as toxic and manipulative as you.

Largest_Half · 2023-03-12T00:32:22+00:00

What the hell is wrong with you? You can't understand why your son, who you lied to about who his father is, is mad with you? The fact you are struggling to understand this is honestly worrying. Also sounds like you cheated on your ex husband...wtf

Why the fuck you bringing this bullshit into the Mens rights subreddit?

iainmf · 2023-03-11T23:35:19+00:00

Why does he feel like this and why has he reacted like this?

Because he has lost respect for you.

How can he be sure of your commitment to him when you can't keep your commitment to your husband?

He deserved better and you failed him.

RubMobile2126 · 2023-03-11T23:49:10+00:00

You need to take full accountability. How would you feel if your husband got another women pregnant twice? Then to top it off he brought the babies home to you for you to take care of. In doing this he would have robbed the birth mother of her opportunity to be part of her children's lives. He would have robbed the children of knowing the other side of their family. He would have robbed you of the opportunity to really raise children that were your own.

IceCorrect · 2023-03-12T01:14:30+00:00

So you gave birth to bastard, tryed to cuck your ex. Then you make this story to look like you are the victim - imagine men who is looking for a gf find out his own mother is such a machiavellian human and tell me how he can trust any women in the future?

Rionat · 2023-03-11T23:53:47+00:00

Lol you left him after he found out. 🚮 . You robbed a man of his time, youth, and money. You robbed another man of knowing his own kids. You robbed a boy of having a relationship with his real father. You robbed a girl of knowing her dad. You rightfully so deserve to be hated by everyone because you are trash.

And the other man is an idiot for getting with you after the fact oof

Jamie1897 · 2023-03-12T00:50:32+00:00

All people have a right know their birth origins if only because it has implications on family history of illnesses and genetic predisposition to diseases.

Digger_is_taken · 2023-03-12T01:03:11+00:00

I am a little bit unclear. What exactly is the "truth of is birth" that he discovered? Were you lying to him about who his biological father is? Or were you not disclosing a messy drama that doesn't really impact him?

People have a need to know the medical history, if nothing else, of their biological parents.

Vegetable-Context232 · 2023-03-12T01:03:13+00:00

Because cheaters posses some of the worst traits a human can posses. To cheat you have to be selfish, absolute disrespectful, weak willed and many more that i simply don't know the English words for.

For that reason I cut off anyone that i learn has cheated without a very good reason (abusive relationship for example) no matter if family, friend or colleges, because if you can do this to someone that you apparently love (like a husband for example) what can someone with a lesser status hope to receive from you.

So your son could have thoughts along those lines especially as you have lied to him for 18 years already which clearly shows him that you could easily treat him similar to how you treated your ex. But maybe he simply sees you as the bad person that you are that used and exploited a man for 3 years and hates you for that.

Paladin327 · 2023-03-12T01:15:42+00:00

Considering some of the reaponses in this thread, i predict op will be spending a lot of time in the cheapest possible nursing home and will never have visitors

Bojack35 · 2023-03-12T01:19:29+00:00

How did your son find out about this?

It sounds like not from you. If that's the case then surely it's a pretty obvious answer as to why he is upset with you? You hid something from him about not just your private life but about his childhood.

A pretty basic fact - for the first 3 years he was raised by someone else - which from your title you are asking if he 'deserves' to know. It could have been a non issue if you were up front about it.

Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to know 'the truth of your birth'? Would you feel like your parents had hidden something from you by not telling you this? Question what else they haven't told you - or, to put it properly, lied by omission about?

How do you fix this? Be honest, say why you acted like you did, respect his right to know and acknowledge you should have told him. Explain your perspective. Respect it will take him time to process, to trust you and dad.

shit-zen-giggles · 2023-03-12T02:36:06+00:00

Why does he feel like this and why has he reacted like this?

How about you ask him? Without invalidating his feelings.

How do I fix this and what are the main issues of the situation. Was it his right to know the truth of his birth or not?

This part is somewhat simple, yet it is not easy: Own up to your mistake. Openly, unambiguously and unreservedly admit that you did wrong to him and your daughter and your former husband.

Acknowledge that they have every right to be resentful towards you.

forgiveness isn't given. It must be earned.

what_i_reckon · 2023-03-12T00:17:48+00:00

Of course your son is upset with you.

If I found out my mother had lied to me my whole life, about who I am and where I come from, I’d probably never speak to her again.

Honest_Asian_Asshole · 2023-03-12T02:46:51+00:00

You lied to him, you're never getting him back in any way shape or form. You fucked up as a mother. You made that bed of lies so now you've got to sleep in it knowing that not just one child but all of your kids despise you for being a lying POS. And stop being a narcissistic trash human being and start taking accountability for your actions lady. Stop worrying about how you feel and making it all about yourself and go apologize to them.

MensEquality · 2023-03-12T03:30:51+00:00

How can you not understand why your son is upset with you?

Capable-Mushroom99 · 2023-03-12T03:54:53+00:00

Don’t waste your time on such an obvious troll.

ElectronicBoss2845 · 2023-03-12T04:01:15+00:00

So you had children “with” a man your “ex” and he thought they were his and then found out they weren’t? So you left him for the “real” dad aka side dude?

Your son and any male especially your ex is entitled to feel some type of way. You were wrong and are wrong.

Net_Flux3 · 2023-03-12T05:13:50+00:00

How much money did you steal from your ex husband? You better pay him back all of it with interest. From your own pocket, by the way. Not by leeching off of another man.

femmeboyrules · 2023-03-12T01:54:06+00:00

Wow I got no words you lied to your son and the dad he thought was he's isn't actually his father sad 😔 you would do this to your son and now look at this family has died out for good.

AffectionateRun5053 · 2023-03-12T03:26:43+00:00

He hates you because he realized his mom is a scumbag and for the young men who go throught that its a hard thing to cope with...

And judging from your comments here you dont even want to be a better person you just want him to get over it

MensEquality · 2023-03-12T03:28:07+00:00

Deserve to know? They have a right to know as part of the deal entered into with their partner.

TyNastyTime · 2023-03-12T10:23:32+00:00

Part of me wants to think you're trolling but I also know that this story isn't far fetched in the slightest. If it's true, you're a horrible person for not understanding where your son is coming from

UnconventionalXY · 2023-03-12T11:20:50+00:00

In response to the topic, rights are fundamentally more about enshrining basic guidelines about what is "right": what is moral or ethical, at a societal level rather than a theological level. However enshrined rights can not cover everything in detail and its consequences, so we tend to simplify and say "anything goes except that which we define in law as prohibitions". Rights are further clarification to "anything goes" because people have a tendency to believe anything they do is right because they no longer consider the wisdom underpinning theology, which itself considers the impact on a stable society.

Rights are really a reasoning of stability in a society: if we had a right to do whatever we wanted, it would inevitably impact on someone else's right and then there would be a disagreement and a competition to see who could achieve the outcome, possibly resulting in the "death" of one or both of the combatants. That's not a stable society.

I think rights are the wrong way to look at the situation and we should instead be considering not only what we want, but the impact on others and the consequences to future generations. As much as we want a good life for ourselves, don't we want a better life for all of humanity, including our own children? That's what the progress of civilisation is: an improvement on what has gone before, not having what we want at the expense of the future.

Infidelity is a good example of people choosing selfishness over the future. Instead of attempting to deceive when things are not how we want them to be, to get something we are not entitled to, we should be honest and upfront about issues before they develop into choices that compound the problem and allow both people in the relationship to solve them in as much a win-win outcome as possible. Issues in a relationship leading to infidelity should be resolved before they result in infidelity and if they can't then the decent thing to do is to part company and try to find those missing things with someone else, not resort to infidelity as the solution which has cascading consequences as the OP is now experiencing and has subjected her children to as well.

The situation has already gone beyond repair at the point the OP is now in: it went into dangerous territory the moment she deceived the ex for selfish reasons. Society should not be encouraging deceit if it wants to progress civilisation.

Children have a right to know their parentage, if only for future medical reasons.

Remaining deceitful about a selfish act robs the other person of choice and autonomy over their future and is a further selfish act to avoid consequences and responsibility.

I think it has been a mistake to absolve women of responsibility for their actions, whilst not absolving men: civilisation is about people being responsible for their actions and reasoning their choices not only for their own perceived good but for the good of everyone else (ie win-win), because what they do unto others they also do unto themselves.

Man-splain · 2023-03-12T16:10:16+00:00

Selfish narcissist right here!

Aimless-Nomad · 2023-03-12T22:08:22+00:00

Clearly a troll people calm down.

If not, you are a total fucking degenerate.

Background_Duck2932 · 2023-03-12T03:48:40+00:00

I get why you're getting harsh responses, but Christ men, at least give some ideas on how to fix the issue. She made a mistake and hopefully has grown from it and moved past it. Cheating is never ok, but if it happens, it doesn't make the person terrible forever. Though, it's hard to look past it.

Was it his right to know the truth of his birth or not?

Yes. He had every right to know about it, just like how adopted children deserve to know they were adopted. I don't know how old he is though and how he's processing this.

How do I fix this and what are the main issues of the situation.

That's a difficult question to answer. The main issues are that you set a bad example of cheating on your ex husband and then leaving him and your son is only just finding out about this. He's going to need time to process this situation and come to a point where he can move past this.

As for how to fix this situation yourself, that's what's tricky. You can try giving him some time to figure it out on his own.

You can sit down and have a talk with him about it. If you do sit down and talk with him, you really need to listen to his frustrations and address them. You might have to ask for forgiveness from him in that case too because you might not be able to make excuses for some of the things he'll bring up. Also, please avoid guilt tripping him, even by accident. Many times I tried to talk to my mom about my frustrations and she would guilt trip me by crying about how it's her fault and only make me more frustrated by doing so. It might be hard to avoid doing that because it's a sensitive topic, but it also doesn't address the problem properly.

You can also try going to family therapy. I don't know how that works to be honest, but having a third party who might be experienced with these kinds of things might help.

Edit: Forgot to answer one more question.

Why does he feel like this and why has he reacted like this?

He's a male and you're also his mother. He now knows his mother made one of the biggest mistakes/betrayals a person could possibly make and never told him. Not only did she hide the truth from her ex-husband until he found out, she did the same to her son as well. That's pretty damning. It's also humiliating to know the person who raised you was the one who did this terrible thing. I just saw in one of the comments he's 18. Not surprising if he is thinking about his dating life at this age. Now he has to wonder if maybe he can experience that same betrayal. Considering you were married to some guy that you eventually betrayed, it's totally possible for him to never pick up on the fact that he's being betrayed. It's going to be hard for him to accept that that worry shouldn't take over his perception of potential partners.

Edit 2: Man it is sad that trying to be reasonable is considered a bad thing both in the feminist subreddit and here if the people are absolutely against the person in question. I was really hoping only the feminist subreddit was that way. At the very least give her some advice to help her son out.

pearl_harbour1941 · 2023-03-12T13:28:03+00:00

OP is self-described BPD, which may explain the absolute lack of empathy, and the selfish outlook on the situation (how do I get the hugs back, how do I get him to love me again, me me me).

My ex is BPD, and it was always about her being the victim, despite her actually creating her own situations herself.

I will go further by analogy with my ex. Her mother and her sister were also totally screwed up people, and the triad would constantly be battling with each other to manipulate people and control the attention towards themselves.

It sounds like you're doing the same.

DO NOT make this about anyone but yourself. Not your sister, not your son, not your ex, not the biological father.

It's ONLY about you and your BPD.

Get help for your mental state, try to develop some empathy, truly try to understand life from someone else's perspective WITH NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE. It's not good enough to try to understand your son because that's how you get the love back, that isn't empathy, that's manipulation.

I will suggest that this issue is as much about your other manipulative BPD behaviours - love bombing, "come here I hate you, go away I love you", attention manipulation, control, etc. than it is about who his father is.

You need help. Stop playing games with your family members and get help.

mrmensplights · 2023-03-12T14:35:03+00:00

Sometimes when people find out the truth they get angry. That doesn’t mean learning the truth was a bad thing - the anger they feel is from the lie. Once he works through that anger, he will be in a better place for knowing the truth.

One of the worst things we can do to a child is lie to them about the nature of the world - because that’s precisely what they need to know in order to survive as adults. Your son had been building a view of the world and his place in it based on a lie, and now he’s found out. He’s going to need time to process that.

Used-Bad6089 · 2023-03-12T15:25:41+00:00

https://eslforums.com/funny-story/

ReWildingOfMen · 2023-03-13T21:42:51+00:00

What the decent and right thing to do is.

The truth, always the truth.

Your sons feelings and reactions are proportionate and fair. In all honesty you are a TERRIBLE person to mislead a man about that, wasting however long of his life based upon lies and breaking his heart in the most terrible of ways making him believe those children were of his own blood.

In all honesty you deserve to be in prison, and you do NOT deserve your children. What you did should be a criminal offence.

Absolutely its the right of the child to know the truth. What on earth is wrong with you to even ask that?

What is staggering is your lack of self awareness, your lack of decency, your lack of any empathy or understanding for your ex and for your children.

Also reading your other comments, you're some form of narcissist. You boy is now a young man, stop trying to little husband him you disgusting so called woman.

Oh and btw - you've probably lost him, for ever.

Title	What are men’s rights on knowledge of infidelity and do they deserve to know?
Author	throwra-_qwet
Upvotes	0
Comments	91
Date	March 11, 2023 11:16 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MensRights
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/11oycrp/what_are_mens_rights_on_knowledge_of_infidelity/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MensRights/what-are-mens-rights-on-knowledge-of-infidelity.1176576 https://theredarchive.com/post/1176576

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