I made a comment in another group from my main account about why waiting to tell OBS was successful for me and they advised I post my story here.

Context: Ex wife and I married January 2020 and divorced last month. We were together for a total of 6 years. We did not have kids. I make 2x her salary and got off very fortunately. We were in a no-fault state.

Story: My ex wife was sick of being in an apartment so I saved up and bought us a house October 2021. In April 2022 she had told me she wanted to leave, get space, love you but not in love, y’all know the story, then eventually confessed to having an affair from October 2021-November 2021. They probably rekindled the affair in 2022 but I’ll never know, and don’t care to know any more. I tried working it out with her but then discovered her and AP were still in contact in June 2022, then decided to separate and proceed with the divorce in September.

I found out AP was married and eventually found info on OBS. I wanted to tell OBS at this point, but through advice on r/survivinginfidelity I decided to wait for my lawyer’s advice, but hadn’t hired one yet.

Initially she wanted to pursue at least 50/50. We never joined our accounts together because we were both in grad school and just planned to get our degrees first. After a little time she called me to tell me she wasn’t going to pursue anything, and that she would just let us keep our own money in our separate accounts and that I can have the house. She said I’d get a call from her lawyer in the next week or two. The next week she picks up all of her stuff from our house. 8 weeks go by without a word from her lawyer so I say fuck it I’ll do it myself. I hire a lawyer, and literally the day before we’re going to file, without her lawyer ever reaching out to me, my lawyer sees that she had just filed.

My lawyer advised that whether you join accounts or not, the courts don’t care. The courts assume any income gathered after you were married is communal, and she would likely be entitled to it if she pursued it. She initially wanted to do this and seek equity in the house that she made no payments on, nor did she pay anything towards the renovations we did. She felt very guilty/ashamed about her affair, and I did my part throughout to make her feel as guilty and ashamed of it as I could (Advice: if you’re sure you want to divorce, do your best to not berate or yell at her, etc., just be the victim, be very sad and heartbroken around her. Don’t show her that you’ll be fine eventually). My lawyer told me I shouldn’t tell OBS until this is all done, because ex wife is very likely still infatuated with AP and that was a good thing for me. If I told OBS at this point, that could result with tons of other people finding out and then ex wife would realize she has nothing else to lose, so she might as well pursue the maximum.

We never said anything to each other since she told me I’d get a call from her lawyer. My grandpa even passed away unexpectedly in December and she said nothing to me or my family. It’s crazy how much affairs can just completely rewire the brains of our spouses. She’s completely unrecognizable to me now.

My lawyer gets her decree of divorce late January, she only pursued what she said she would. My lawyer makes a couple of small changes and I make sure to add the pets’ names into it so she can’t take my cat from me (Do this if you want to keep pets!). She signed it as is, then a judge confirmed it in mid February. So yes, I know I’m very lucky, even though I don’t feel like it, but if your story is similar to mine I suggest you follow a similar blueprint.

I always knew I’d tell OBS but had to wait for the divorce to be finalized and for ex wife to sign the deed over to me. After that, I changed all the locks and installed a new security system (Don’t change your locks if her name is on the deed until it’s fully yours).

Then, last week, I reached out to OBS on social media and told her with proof. She was shocked and panicked, but believed me. I told her to let me know if I should be worried about AP retaliating. I checked in late last week to make sure she was okay. We talked for a little and she told me how the confrontation went. I’ve done my part and we probably won’t ever talk again but let her know she can reach out if she ever needs to.

Feels like my story has finally ended and I can move forward