I keep filling his cup and he is not filling mine?

ArkNemesis00 · 2023-03-19T19:48:22+00:00

This is a communication issue. You're treating him how you'd like to be treated, and he's likely treating you how he'd like to be treated. Not saying he doesn't appreciate the effort, but some people would be fine without it and see the little things as more than necessary. You also might have different love languages. Definitely don't push yourself if it's costing you a lot and will mean a small amount to him.

You have to tell him what you want and how to do it before you need it. Tell him right now - when I'm sick, I want this kind of soup, I want a fridge stocked with liquids, I want you to do an OTC med run, etc. If I'm having a hard day, I want take-out from my favorite restaurant, I want to watch a movie together, etc.

Hell, write it all up in a nicely organized Google Docs and send it to him. This way, the next time you need it, you can tell him you need care and support, and he'll have the resources to know what to do. Make it easy for him to learn how to help you, and he likely will.

I hate asking when I need something too, but caregiving is a skill that needs to be learned just like anything else. It's not uncommon that young men lack it. I would try to instruct him for a bit and see if he is willing to learn.

BreadOld5376 · 2023-03-20T03:05:53+00:00

Sometimes people can become used to being taken care of and forget what it’s like to not have that. Just you take a trip for a week+. At first it’ll be a little break/vacation for both of you but then he may start to see where things in the house and his life breakdown without you and he may become more appreciative. My husband goes away once a year (sometimes more) for work and it’s always like pressing a little reset button for our relationship.

I’m probably the odd one out, but he also is getting everything he needs from a relationship… without the commitment or even just the thought of commitment. I know marriage can be rather frowned on these days and passed up for more “progressive” ways of solidifying a relationship, but maybe he’s just taking advantage of being well cared for without having to put much effort in on his part because he knows you’ll do it no matter what. He’s taking the easy way out and still gets to “have it all” with an easy exit clause.

Obviously do not get married to someone you don’t think is the right person! A marriage won’t make someone into someone else, but I would highly suggest figuring out you guys’ wants and plans for the future and communicate these to him. It may jolt him to the idea that this is serious, you’re serious, and you’d like to live life TOGETHER not as two individuals under one roof.

But I think there’s multiple reasons why this happens, many great suggestions stated above.

Jenneapolis · 2023-03-19T20:22:44+00:00

Keep in mind most men were not raised and socialized to be caregivers in the same way women are. This can be even more pronounced in some cultures than others or in specific family dynamics (eg he had a mom who did everything for him). Not saying he gets a pass, just saying you likely do need to tell him, some men are just not programmed to think of these things in advance like we do as women.

For example I essentially raised my younger brothers. I had practice. Meanwhile my boyfriend was raised in a different (more patriarchal) country with a mother who basically served him and hired female help around the house. He’s happy to help out but he’s not going to know in advance what is needed. This is where gratitude is very important, be grateful that you have a partner who will help you and appreciate when he does even if you have to prod him and actively appreciate the small things he does to on his own.

worthlesspota19 · 2023-03-20T02:00:05+00:00

You’re doing a bunch of small things and he’s probably doing one big thing. You will view his one big thing as one thing and yours as (let’s say 10 things) But he sees you doing 10 things and his one thing as worth 20 things.

Men and women are different.

There is no need to adapt to each other, but understanding each other’s imperative is important.

Try doing less and see what happens. This will help you feel like you’re not giving more than him. Try noticing the things he does, and think about that from his perspective. He probably views it as a big thing. Even if you value it as 1 thing. He might have a different value assigned to that one thing.

You won’t get him to change his value associated with that one thing. But hopefully this helps you see it from a different perspective.

Also there is the idea that you are causing things to be uneven in the relationship by doing more than him. This works in friendships too. •If they send you a link, you send a link. EQUAL. •But if they send you a link, and you send 14 links. You may be inadvertently causing an imbalance in the relationship. UNEQUAL.

I know this last point is going to sound absolutely ridiculous but it’s how men and women process language. If you ask him for help and he doesn’t do it and it makes you upset, especially since you are doing so much and he does so little, change the word “can” into “will”

Can you pick up some meds for me? Will you pick up some meds for me?

Changing that one word is a HUGE difference for men! A lot of this is subconscious too. When the word “will” is used in a question it demands a firm answer for men whereas the word “can” does not demand a firm answer. This is something that used to bother me and made me feel bad as a human being because I said I would take the chicken out of the freezer, but then never did it and beat myself up later for it. I said I would take out the trash but I didn’t.

When I read about this, it actually changed my entire life. “Can” is passive. My words may say yes, but my male brain processes it differently.

—

I care that people have good relationships. Especially in these times.

You say you love him, and it’s been 3 years. I don’t think you should throw it all away until some modifications have at least been attempted.

You are also hitting that age where things are changing for you (commonly referred to as the wall). I don’t know your background but that may be having an affect.

In your mind, it may be that “time is running out, I need to dump him and find a new guy” However it’s going to be the same thing. Another 3 years gone. It will happen again and again. At least trying some modifications may fix your issues WITHOUT needing to “tell him to do something for you”

It’s a win-win. It helps rebalance the relationship. It helps “crack the men code” it will help make you feel happy, fulfilled and less resentful and you don’t even need to tell him to read your mind

Idk, it’s late and been a long day. I hope this is coherent and that it helps in some way ✌️

AutoModerator · 2023-03-19T18:57:29+00:00

Title: I keep filling his cup and he is not filling mine?

Full text: I am at the point where I feel like I give and give and give to the point where I’m realizing that I can’t keep giving bc my own cup is not full. I get resentful that I seem to always be thinking about him/what would make him happy and he is fine taking and won’t put in much effort unless I literally ask. I always do something thoughtful or sweet. Bake his favourite desserts, pick him up his fav chocolate from the store etc. If he comes home from work sore and tired, dinner is ready and I do a hand massage, turn the heating pad on for him etc. But if i am sick or unwell he just does his own thing pretty much and leaves me to it. What can I do to make him aware of MY needs? How do I not take this personally and get resentful? I understand that people are not mind readers, but having to ask for things takes away from receiving them bc it’s not organic or thoughtful anymore. Do I leave?

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VasiliyZaitzev · 2023-03-20T08:09:51+00:00

So basically, you are love languages “Deeds of Service” and his is whatever it is that isn’t deeds of service. If he doesn’t know what his is, have him take the quiz, or whatever you do to find out, and then use that as an entry point for what your love language is, and therefore how you like to receive love.

It isn’t always obvious to people, because we have a tendency to assume that are partners understand what our LL is. The woman who actually introduced me to the concept, had a forehead slap moment when my LL turned out to be (surprise!) physical touch. She literally said, out loud, ”That’s why you want to bang me all the time!”.

Believe me, I was just as shocked as everyone else in the restaurant was. ;)

So yeah, he may not even realize how important this stuff is to you. He might just assume that you’re “being nice“, because his LL is different. Ex the lady above has LLs of deeds of service and compliments. DoS is a distant third for me and compliments and gifts are things I could live the rest of my life without and be perfectly happy. So we had to find ways to compromise. Me: ”If you let me touch your butt, I will tell you how nice it is.” /heh Gotta go with what works, you know?

BudgetInteraction811 · 2023-03-20T01:31:44+00:00

He sounds selfish. Other commenters are being way too charitable in my opinion, as this isn’t a communication issue. It should come second nature to a man to tend to his woman’s needs and he should want to see your face light up when he goes out of his way to make your day better, even if it’s just bringing you a coffee. I would assume that this behaviour also impacts your desire in the bedroom too? If that’s the case, he might be resentful that his needs aren’t being met. This is the case with a lot of the relationship advice posts — the man doesn’t meet his partner’s emotional needs, and since her needs aren’t being met she doesn’t return his physical needs, and nothing gets resolved.

Cosima_Fan_Tutte · 2023-03-21T01:59:49+00:00

I think there's not enough info and context to diagnose the problem. We can only make assumptions.

Could it be:

-He fills your cup in other ways that you don't necessarily think about? Does he work a lot, earn more, contribute to the household in big ways, etc.

Or

-You're so agreeable that you don't share what you need and want and/or he's not a guy who's skilled at reading emotional cues.

Or

-He quiet quit the relationship and is coasting along. Or maybe his SMV is higher than yours and he doesn't need to make much effort to receive doting treatment.

You've been together three years, is this relationship supposed to head somewhere? Marriage, kids? Do you want it to? Do you see it staying as is for the foreseeable future? What kind of guy is he? How's your relationship besides the issue of doing stuff for him? Sex life? Is all this fairly new or has it been an issue since the start? Without this info, it's hard to say what you can do to change things.

Ruffleafewfeathers · 2023-03-20T00:08:36+00:00

I would look into reading “The Empowered Wife” by Laura Doyle, as it talks a lot about the importance of self care and how we can’t pour from an empty cup and it’s not fair to rely on your partner for all of your emotional needs. It seems really relevant to your situation and really helps with resentment.

Additionally, if you don’t tell him what you need from him, it’s not fair to be resentful—he’s not a mind reader and men don’t get “hints”. Have a talk saying something like, “Hey baby, when I get sick/have a rough day/am in need of comfort, it would really mean the world to me if you would (XYZ comforting behaviors) as it would make me feel really loved and cared for.“ Then when he makes steps forward, praise the hell out of that effort. I’m sure you love when he appreciates what you do for him and it makes you want to do it more—it’s the same way for men.

atritt94 · 2023-03-20T02:16:41+00:00

This is a one-sided relationship. It will only get worse- especially if you ever have kids. If you’re thoughts are to try to change your behavior in order to get him to start changing his and being more emotionally available/ active in the relationship, that is also not a solution.

Do you work right now? If not, there’s probably a big disconnect between the end of his day and yours. Especially if you’re focused on making him happy when he gets him while he is focused on coming home and relaxing. When do you get focused on? When does he spend time planning your meals and hand massages ( or whatever things you need to feel loved and appreciated)? If you’re spending all day focused on how to make him comfortable when he gets home- that flame will burn out quick. I promise- and I am just saying all this bc I’ve been there. Do you have work that is meaningful or a hobby? Something you can focus your energy into?

Karlor_Gaylord_Cries · 2023-03-19T19:03:01+00:00

Well you should never do anything for anyone if your goal is to get something back. Not saying that is what you are doing, but you shouldn't expect anything in return, only do it because you enjoy doing those things for him.

To me it seems like sense you go ahead and take the initiative, that he thinks you've got everything pretty much handled, and don't 'need' his efforts

You should have a straightforward conversation with him about this

68000anr · 2023-03-20T08:52:51+00:00

I wonder if he really does "nothing" for you, or if you're just doing different accounting than him. You're doing things he didn't ask for, and then giving yourself "thoughtful" points, and then wondering why he doesn't give you things you didn't ask for. I bet you if you asked him if he'd rather have a hand massage or no resentment, he'd choose not to be resented. You're basically giving him a debt when you do nice things for him and then resenting when he is not as thoughtful as you.

I bet he has a lot of good qualities, but he isn't as thoughtful as you. I bet he does a lot of things for you that are invisible to you, or you are overlooking and "don't count". He protects you every single day doesn't he?

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2023-03-20T00:30:45+00:00

having to ask for things takes away from receiving them because it’s not organic or thoughtful

This is called bad communication. If you expect someone to know how you want to be treated without telling them you’re just being unreasonable.

You’re already with this guy and he isn’t doing it naturally. Either leave him for someone who expresses love the way you want, or communicate better and save your relationship.

Diamond-Breath · 2023-03-21T01:12:00+00:00

Most of the comments are giving him wayyy too much credit. In my opinion, life is too short to feel uncared for by your lover. Men aren't stupid, they know what they can do to make your day better. My boyfriend notices every detail about me, my likes and dislikes without me mentioning anything directly. He always gets me my favorite snacks, foods, knows where to take me to have fun, and every time I feel sick he becomes my nurse essentially. He gets a really worried expression when I express even a little discomfort. That's what a woman should expect from her life partner.

Having said that, I really don't think we are meant to cohabitate before marriage. He probably doesn't feel as committed to you as you feel to him. Watch Jordan Peterson's videos about marriage and why cohabitation is a really bad idea for couples. He's one of the smartest men alive.

Bitter_Permission_83 · 2023-03-26T12:24:38+00:00

You’re giving but he’s not asking that of you. You’re supposed to give because you want to, because it’s for you to give to someone you care about, not because you expect from them in return. You’re just creating an expectation on him to give, or give appreciation, when he may not be asking for the level of work you’re putting in, which is just creating a burden on him if that’s the dynamic you’re creating. And that doesn’t mean stop, it just means stop doing it as a means to get something in return. Give because you want to give. If you want something else, ask for it. Communicate.

flower_power_g1rl · 2023-05-23T19:55:03+00:00

I am sorry... but it sounds like he's not in love with you.

jenna_grows · 2023-03-20T16:35:13+00:00

What are your giving and receiving love languages?

johnshepard4496 · 2023-04-13T14:07:57+00:00

Talking is the answer, tell him how do you feel about it, if he don't care or don't change after that then you know what to do. And next time talk to the guy about stuff like this before you start a thing with him. Nowadays very few men do what you do, for mostly two reason, one, chivalry is dead and it's the women who killed it, ask woopie Goldberg if you don't believe me, two, feminism says, gender equality, so a lot of men who are a bit more selfish than other men do not even try to do anything anymore, and the others don't dare because they don't want to trigger a shit storm about gender equality and stuff and honestly ? They find this is the perfect excuse to be served. 🤷‍♂️

Title	I keep filling his cup and he is not filling mine?
Author	856077
Upvotes	56
Comments	37
Date	March 19, 2023 6:57 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/11vu4l7/i_keep_filling_his_cup_and_he_is_not_filling_mine/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-keep-filling-his-cup-and-he-is-not-filling-mine.1187067 https://theredarchive.com/post/1187067

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