Beware of « stable » families who will judge you for your past trauma.

Colour_riot · 2022-01-28T14:35:04+00:00

I feel like these are the same people who are like "fAmIlY iS tHe MoSt ImPoRtAnT" and "blood is thicker than water". Usually these people think everybody in their family has a role to play. A role set by them.

Family is usually where the original hurt comes from. Some are better left behind.

I have dated people with classic families who I’ve overheard behind my back say I should « leave the kid with them if I accidentally get pregnant

Anyone who takes pride in having a "classic" family is basically someone who hasn't achieved diddy squat in their life. You can love your family and be grateful that you have a whole one if it's healthy, but to make it a point of supposed superiority is just stupid af

Africanaissues · 2022-01-28T09:50:36+00:00

I agree with this. People who grew up with healthy families are usually ignorant to the fact that not every family is like theirs. They also lack a level of empathy and it’s exhausting trying to show them what they may not understand. I wouldn’t even bother

vbych76 · 2022-01-28T11:27:53+00:00

What 😮"leave the child with them"? A child is not a luggage. Those people are delusional.

the-worst- · 2022-01-28T19:38:26+00:00

My mom is a narcissistic abuser. Her abuse is often so subtle that outsiders wouldn't know why I was so upset.

My mom treated me like a dumb burden that could never be successful. She made me fat by refusing to buy any healthy food while buying me 1 lb bags of smarties. She made fun of me every time I tried to work out. And then she would make jabs at my weight. She was basically the irl mother gothel from tangled.

She intended to use me as her retirement. Ever time I got a job, she somehow lost hers. Every time.

And you know what pisses me off the most? I have a 2 yo daughter now and it is SO EASY to treat her kindly and to let her know she is my joy. She literally tries to be as cute as possible to get a reaction out of me. I asked her once "are you just TRYING to be the cutest little precious princess?" And she, giggling and laughing, replied "yeeeeaaaaa!" And she is the most important priority in my life right now.

I do find myself struggling with aspects I absorbed from mom's personality to survive with her. Playing favorites being the biggest struggle, as I tend to assume my 3 yo son is the source of most messes and sissy freak outs. But when I notice stuff like this, I work hard to train my brain to not be that way. Now I try to really observe the area and have realized a few things.

Like how my daughter tends to freak out kind of randomly over fairly minor things (ball she places on surface rolls off), and she is almost more likely to be the trash goblin than my son is.

It can be hard to parent if your trauma is either unrecognized or unresolved. I strongly suggest working through trauma before having babies, because birth itself is pretty traumatic. I've had 2 c sections and I'm still recovering both physically and mentally.

MilkMadeMe · 2022-01-28T16:49:47+00:00

Ah. Yes. The family who looks so perfect on the surface because they have an immaculate, beautiful home and their children are all doctors or engineers.

Yet, the family uncle can’t keep his hands to himself and most of the family covers for him. Grandpa will only leave money to the straight children that marry inside their race. The adult children followed their parents dreams in the hopes of receiving some sort of love or validation only to be disappointed yet again.

I have found that the immaculate family that judges those who were victimized instead of showing empathy are more dysfunctional than most. They are just a lot better at hiding it.

pickmieshaexorcist · 2022-01-28T12:09:21+00:00

My ex MIL had a huge chip on her shoulder because she and her husband were still (miserably) married while my parents were divorced. Straight up told me I came from a “broken home” and looked down on “working mothers” while bragging about herself. I’d rather have my lovely mom and asshole dad just as they are, separate, than her narcissistic, drunken ass any day.

MilkMadeMe · 2022-01-28T16:22:46+00:00

TBH when people I get to know on a deeper level act like their family histories and relationships are pristine and without flaws, that’s now a major set of waving 🚩🚩🚩 for me. A totally healthy family history does not exist. All families have something. Differing degrees, sure. What kind of “healthy family” power plays an individual’s upbringing for control? Sick.

These people either have failed to recognize the unhealthy family patterns in their family or just refuse to change to maintain the family’s status quo.

I can’t think of one friend, partner or deep relationship I’ve had where their family patterns were without issue.

melympia · 2022-01-28T12:29:51+00:00

Damn yes!

There was that time when my daughter's paternal grandmother mentioned off-handedly that she'd like my daughter to be at her place for extendend holidays (because FaMiLy TrAdItIoN), and that it would be fine because her precious son and I had shared custody (despite him not being involved at all at the time)... I filed for sole custody within the week (or so) and was granted it, too.

LadiesOpinion · 2022-01-28T12:18:04+00:00

I do not know your situation, but I will comment on the stable/instable family background issue:

I come from an instable family background which gave me a lot of trauma I'm working through, I realise this is emotional bagage not everyone is in for. I realise I have never had a healthy parenting role model, and will need to learn parenting skills before considering having children to break the cycle of abuse. I realise it can be a turn-off that I will not be providing extended family, and that I would prefer to spend all Christmasses with my partner's family for that reason.

I fully accept that some people will reject me due to my instable family background, and if those are their standards, I will not judge them for it. However if they mock me behind my back about it, they can eat shit 💩

shockingupdate · 2022-01-28T19:19:28+00:00

“Stable” families who feel the need to knock you down like that aren’t as stable as they think. Talking behind the back of someone your family member is actively dating — someone who very well could have become part of that family — is an expression of deep insecurity, and that had to come from somewhere.

t3ddi · 2022-01-28T16:04:43+00:00

How do they know about your past trauma? Is there a way for you to not disclose that information?

2022-01-28T19:01:36+00:00

[permanently deleted]

Title	Beware of « stable » families who will judge you for your past trauma.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	287
Comments	31
Date	January 28, 2022 9:28 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/semvji/beware_of_stable_families_who_will_judge_you_for/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/beware-of-stable-families-who-will-judge-you-for.1211381 https://theredarchive.com/post/1211381

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