Mental illness and having children

jenna_grows · 2023-04-13T21:52:51+00:00

I do think, even if your child is bipolar, that it can be managed. You may not have a problem with that, but your boyfriend clearly does and that’s his prerogative.

My advice is this: - Speak to a doctor about the prospects of any biological child you have having bipolar disorder. - Speak to an expert about how nurture will impact the prospects of the diagnosis materialising. - Once you know the prospects, you need to know your limits, as well as the limits of the person who will be the father of this child.

Anecdote: My relative has a physical disability, inherited from his mother’s side. My aunt and uncle adore him but chose to have an abortion when she fell pregnant again because the odds were, for them, too high that the second child would have the same disability. That was their choice and I don’t think they were ableist for making it.

Marissa_Smiles · 2023-04-14T01:22:00+00:00

I understand your boyfriends concern and his feelings are valid. I also understand your desire to have biological children, as I’m sure that is the way you have always imagined. But I feel you’re speaking about mental illness as If it’s not a debilitating life long illness. Replace the bipolar disorder for heart condition. Do you still feel as strongly about rolling the dice with your children’s health. You say you feel you are better able to raise a bipolar child than your parents. But I still see it as a difficult situation. Strain on you, your husband and honestly the whole family. If you could prevent that I think it’s worth considering.

Vinegar88 · 2023-04-13T22:04:04+00:00

I have a lot of personal and secondary experience with Bipolar individuals and their effects on their family. It's devastating, and life-long. Yes, there are medications, and therapies, but it is a carousel of finding the right medication/combination of medication and dosages (all of which have severe side effects, many of which worsen or are worse than bipolar) and actually getting them to stick with it for their entire lives. And that is notoriously difficult to get them to do. They hurt those closest to them whether they are "down" or "up." It's very sad - and I empathize with them, because it is a painful life they lead, but they do cause lasting trauma to their families, no matter the support offered to them.

It's your risk to take (as you say, children are a non-negotiable must for you,) but I absolutely understand your boyfriend's concerns. I would encourage him to do as much reading on families with bipolar, raising children with bipolar, and hat treatments are like in-depth, and you as well, and then come together to discuss if he's alright with the risk, and if you do have a child that is bipolar, or you develop it yourself, what you believe you can do to support them.

apric0tjam · 2023-04-13T23:08:54+00:00

Mental illness runs very strongly in my family. My brother and I are both mentally ill. So are our parents. My brother is doing very well for himself now. He has a job, friends, he can drive and is finishing up school. But he was only able to do this with help and support. I’ve found that accepting the challenges that come with illness and having a strong support system will get you very far. You may need to adjust your lifestyle and learn new ways to cope for you and your family. But having mentally ill children isn’t a death sentence. I also can’t stress this enough, therapy is so important and life saving.

diaryofalostgirl · 2023-04-13T21:12:09+00:00

I'm speaking as someone who inherited neurodivergence from my mother's side and depression from my father's: at least seek genetic counseling if you do have kids, and consider IVF with testing. At least you will be a supportive parent, but no amount of supportive parenting will make up for the med-go-round that awaits a child with uncertain brain chemistry. I was in my thirties before it was well enough managed for me to have real quality of life. Yes, now I'm doing great, but I lost decades even when my parents woke up and began to help instead of hinder.

One of my chief reasons for having myself sterilized was the possibility that I could do to my child what had been done to me. And that my child would be living the same hell. I don't consider it ableist in the slightest to say "Hey, you know what I don't want to do? Make my child wish they were never born."

ivysaurah · 2023-04-13T22:24:13+00:00

As someone who is mentally ill and had a genetic predisposition, as well as a bad upbringing and home life, I think medication is too often given as an only resort. I am glad to be alive. I have stability now as an adult because I carved it out for myself. Many mental illnesses can be treated through healthy coping mechanisms, diet, exercise, healthy lifestyle choices, and self awareness. That is why I prefer a psychologist to a psychiatrist any day. Medication should be a therapy aid, not a replacement for it. You can absolutely guide a mentally ill child towards a healthy, happy life.

buni223 · 2023-04-14T07:00:27+00:00

Are you asking if we think it’s wise to have kids when you have a family history of mental illness, or how to approach your boyfriend in order to change his mind?

I believe I can support them and my other children better than my family has in the past

I think this is the only naive part. You’re saying you can support them, but can the father of your future children? Are you vetting for someone who understands mental illness and can cope with a family member having something as serious as bipolar disorder? I saw from your post history that you and your boyfriend are both in your early 20s; do you have any concrete plans for marriage and a family soon?

His concerns are valid, but maybe they are coming from a place of fear rather than reality. There are a lot of horror stories out there that overshadow the good ones. Have you pointed him toward any books or videos about BD? Maybe a video about how BD people can live happy, productive lives or parents of thriving children with BD? You can’t change him, but you can give him more information and resources.

You’re also both very young, and you’ll probably grow and change your minds on many things in the next few years. To me, the only naive thing is to fail to vet for someone who will be able to lovingly parent and accept a child with BD or whatever mental illness/disability. You may be able to parent better than your parents did, but can your s/o? He should not only be able to but want to as well, imho.

MinutesTilMidnight · 2023-04-14T15:31:51+00:00

My boyfriend has bipolar, and he’s the sweetest, best guy I’ve ever met. Mature, hard-working, kind. We barely ever fight, been dating for almost a year and a half, and living together for almost 5 months, and been talking about marriage for a while too.

I think, even if some of your kids do have bipolar, it won’t be as big of a deal as your boyfriend thinks it will. And I agree with you that it’s likely they’ll never get it anyway.

worldlysentiments · 2023-04-13T21:06:50+00:00

I guarantee you his family has a history of mental illness he is not aware of as well. So many people don’t disclose their struggles with anxiety or depression and if you look at numbers, I mean..

That being said, bipolar is completely treatable and manageable in todays age with medication. Yes it does require lifelong meds in nearly 100% of cases but that doesn’t mean they won’t live a good life or anything even if it does pop up. Idk about your past with a bipolar sibling/what their situation was; how fast they received treatment, family support etc etc all these factor into success.

I get an uneasy vibe about that; I think maybe some psychoeducation on his part and challenging the stigmas/bias’ he may hold about MH might change his outlook.

Mental illness is more fluid and it’s hard to say who gets what etc, compared to say; a gene for cystic fibrosis which if both of you have it.. the numbers are laid out for you fairly clear on the chances an offspring will have it and as of now, equals an almost definite shortened lifespan.

People will downvote this which is fine, but I think they then also need to be open to having a conversation about “soft eugenics” and where do they draw the line?

bunnytryingreddit · 2023-04-13T20:40:10+00:00

In my experience, since there is also some bipolar disorder history in my father´s bloodline, I think that asyou are aware of this, you are already one step forward.

I find your boyfriend´s concerns pretty ableist and ignorant. Bipolar disorder can be treated, people with BD can lead normal lives if they take their medicine (and sure, maybe they´ll have to take it for their whole life but it wouldn´t be any different if God forbid they´d have Diabetes type 1, for example).

Why did I say you are one step forward? Based on your and your family´s experience you will probably be better at catching early signs and intervening.

angelicasinensis · 2023-04-13T21:03:23+00:00

I think many mental illnesses can be prevented or at least highly managed through diet and lifestyle choices. The founder of the GAPS diet (https://www.gapsdiet.com/), who is a neurologist noticed a huge correlation in gut health and mental illness and started a diet that helps people to heal/reverse the symptoms. I think reducing toxic exposure and really embracing a whole food diet during pregnancy really gives your child the best start, as well as having a natural birth without antibiotics. My sister is bi-polar but I am not super worried about it for my kids because they are very healthy.

AutoModerator · 2023-04-13T20:13:21+00:00

Title: Mental illness and having children

Full text: Tracing back to my maternal great grandfather, my family has a long history of bipolar disorder. Alongside my mother’s grandfather, one of her aunts or uncles had it, one of her cousins has it, her brother has it, and my brother has it.

My boyfriend knows this and has expressed concern about having a bipolar child if we were to have kids in the future. After hearing about how having a bipolar sibling has affected me and my mother, he doesn’t want our other kids to experience the trauma of growing up with a bipolar sibling. I completely understand his point of view, however I desperately want to have my own children (call me selfish idc, I want to continue my bloodline and refuse to consider any other option unless I turn out to be infertile).

I believe that a large part of how the bipolar people in my family turned out was due to nurture. Aside from my brother, none of them grew up with a great home life iirc. And my brother certainly turned out better than most of the others. (As for my own trauma, I believe it really only stems from receiving less attention than my brother as I was the “unproblematic” child. However I believe I have largely moved past this trauma through introspection, therapy, and building a better relationship with my parents as an adult).

Because of this, I believe with the right home life my children will either not develop it (especially since the chance is 10-25% if a parent is bipolar, which I am not so the chance is likely even lower) or, if they do, I believe I can support them and my other children better than my family has in the past.

Is this naïve of me? What are your opinions on this topic?

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brushshstrokes · 2023-04-14T17:44:12+00:00

Realistically, more of your time and energy is going to go into the bipolar child.

Careful-Ideal-7033 · 2023-04-14T21:11:12+00:00

There’s a lot of research out now that shows mental illness is more nurture than nature. Epigenetics, the science of how life choices affects gene expression. It runs in my family but guess what? So does trauma, pain, ways of seeing and interacting with the world. Even physical things like diabetes and often cancer have predispositions, but whether the genes are expression or not to create the illness is largely nurture.

There’s even a big review of studies showing there is zero proof for the chemical imbalance theory (myth) of depression. It’s perpetuated by the pharmaceutical industries because they and doctors make a lot of money from keeping people on pills rather than help them heal.

I would honestly not be too worried about “passing on” bipolar. If you’ve done the work to heal any trauma and continue to work so that any damaging ways of parenting aren’t used on your children (or there are enough positives to mitigate the damage), then you’ll probably be fine.

WasteOwl3330 · 2023-04-29T16:54:18+00:00

As a bipolar person, I am urging you to not have children, it creates suffering and heartache. You also don’t know the spectrum of bipolar they will have. Some people with bipolar never find the right medication to manage their symptoms, they can also have psychotic bipolar. It had the highest suicide rate of any other mental health condition. Please reconsider your decision.

Title	Mental illness and having children
Author	Nymph_river
Upvotes	6
Comments	18
Date	April 13, 2023 8:13 PM UTC (3 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/12l265r/mental_illness_and_having_children/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/mental-illness-and-having-children.1214296 https://theredarchive.com/post/1214296

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