Emotional advice for someone who was still invested

tvtv3323 · 2023-08-07T19:10:13+00:00

I totally get it and relate. To deal with this, I developed this mindfulness exercise to get back to the present moment when I start ruminating on my stbx or the thought of her meeting up with a guy that she has been talking to.

I stop and close my eyes and focus on my breathing for about 20 seconds, and then at the same time will touch something near me with the thumb and index finger of my right hand like the tail of my shirt or a bottle that's in front of me and I will focus on the texture and shape as I'm also focusing on my breathing. Next, I will start listening to the sounds around me and trying to hear each independent sound.

This usually goes on for about a minute, and if I start slipping into thinking about my stbx, I just focus back on my breathing and go through it again. It takes practice.

Then as the final part of this exercise, sort of the reward, I visualize as vividly as possible doing something wonderful. For me, that is sitting on my couch with a future awesome girlfriend watching a movie under a blanket and making out and falling in love.

I may do this exercise sometimes 15 to 20 times a day. You just keep doing it, don't be hard on yourself if your discipline lags, just keep doing it, and after a few weeks it will become natural for you stay in the present moment and out of that mental gutter.

And if I'm driving on the road, instead of closing my eyes of course, I'll focus on my breathing and also noticing the specific details of what's in front of me, such as the shapes, colors, and designs of the cars that are in front of me or the font that I'm seeing on street signs.

This is what mindfulness is about, it's getting out of the mental gutter, and being present in the moment. And while it's not perfect, it has helped me so so much to get me out of that mental doom loop of thinking about this person who no longer wants to be with me.

trowaway63022 · 2023-08-07T17:50:40+00:00

Meditation and mindful walking did help. It’s not a cure. It helped me recognize I wasn’t this flawed individual I was being made out to be, and deep down I was a happy person.

Please go therapy if you aren’t already. That was the biggest help for me

I’m more than a year out, and in a better place in a new relationship. That doesn’t mean moments of anger and hurt don’t still pop up. They just don’t have the impact they did in the beginning

Old-Macaroon8148 · 2023-08-07T18:22:40+00:00

Gym, getting out even if it’s just to walk around Home Depot and look at stuff helped. Talk to friends and family a lot if you can. Focus on your kids.

Is there anything about your divorce or your stbx in general that is negative that you can focus on rather than how much you miss her? For example mine had an affair, so after sitting there in shock for like 6 weeks I snapped out of it and used anger about her affair to motivate me at work, gym, being super dad etc.

Far_Excitement_4835 · 2023-08-07T19:25:32+00:00

It's hard. Been through it. It was easy once I found out the truth. Affair. Other men.

Since I am not a plan b for anyone. Once o found that out it was like a breath of fresh air

Now she is attacking me via children. Trying to turn them against

Reason why I told you this is because it could happen to you to. Which is something you should keep in mind

Watch how your kids attitude changes. If the kids start disrespecting you. Start to be apathetic towards you it's a warning sign

The dichotomy of control helped me alot. Don't know if you are familiar with it. Search on Google and look at the images

Basically it teaches you to only focus on what you can control. Your actions, your thoughts and to understand what you can't control. What others do, how they treat you etc

Just my opinion but you sound like you are on the right track on concentrating on your kids.

Chin up. It does get better ( bet you are sick of hearing that)

And for the love of god please don't take her back if she comes back

Probably the most important point. Reach out for help if you need. Life's like a book and every day is a new page.

DocHolliday80 · 2023-08-07T22:41:32+00:00

What worked for me in the beginning of separation and divorce process:

Gym. Getting exhausted will help to lower your anxiety. You will get fit, and everyone likes to see himself fit, so it will be a very welcome boost to your self esteem. As a bonus, the discipline to workout everyday will also help you with self esteem.
No contact or as low contact as possible if there are kids or pets involved. Treat her as if she was dead. The woman you married no longer exists, it is another woman who left you. Read The Rational Male by Rollo Tomassi.
Write a diary. Put your thoughts and worries in a text note on your phone, with a password to protect it. It helped me to clean my mind of worries and stop overthinking (I am quite an over thinker).

Early stages weren’t the worst for me. Second year is being much worse. I have started therapy, it somehow helps. Staying social also helps, go out with friends.

You cannot avoid the feelings, they will come back anyway. Don’t ever think of boozing alone at home or drugging yourself. It is ok to be sad (it is normal in fact, not being sad after something like this feels very weird).

Nevertheless, you shouldn’t boost those sad feelings, so I don’t think that sad songs are a good idea, you need good feelings now, to learn to forgive yourself, cut yourself some slack. You are not perfect, but you don’t need to be.

MoodyMusical · 2023-08-07T18:39:14+00:00

You have to accept the feelings and process them. I never understood what "processing feelings" actually meant until very recently. Not processing them is rejecting them, shaming yourself for having them, making them go away with substances or activities, just burying them in general. When you do that they stay there and bubble back up in the form of mental health issues like depression and rage.

Processing them is accepting that this shit hurts. It's sad and it's ok to be sad. It's allowing yourself to grieve and comforting yourself through it. It's knowing that you will be ok because you are on your side and you will carry yourself through it. When you start doing that the feelings start easing up and gets less consuming. One day you'll suddenly realize that while you still ache you don't really hurt anymore.

DatabaseSpace · 2023-08-07T19:10:26+00:00

Well you can wait until you find out she is sleeping with a bunch of people and then family law starts garnishing your paychecks to pay for it. That usually will move you out of the being sad phase.

catter3423 · 2023-08-07T19:40:08+00:00

I find gym, swimming and walking my dog helps. I vent to my counsellor and parents. Even with mates over a couple of beers (not getting drunk though).

Allow yourself the time to grieve. I think it’s natural and healthy to experience all the feelings. Sometimes I find it useful to dedicate a specific time to thinking about her or mourn the loss of what was.

Stitching · 2023-08-07T20:00:46+00:00

I was still in love with my future ex wife for a while after she blindsided me with divorce. Some advice and supportive stories here.

BreathDefiant9878 · 2023-08-08T06:38:05+00:00

Move on what helped me was going back to the Cartoon Network line up and watch all the cartoons and anime I missed out on tenchi muyo and gundam wing we’re actually more advanced then we’d believe

OkEmphasis5923 · 2023-08-08T07:27:15+00:00

Experience the pain and the grief. Wallow in the feeling of loss. The process of grieving is absolutely essential to the next stage, letting go and moving on. Its going to feel uncomfortable, so much so that you will want to drown out your sorrows with alcohol or go back to her. You will be no different than a junkie going through detox. Journal your thoughts, find their root causes, let your emotions fly. Talk to a therapist, siblings, good friends. Vent and give these powerful emotions the space that they need. Yell and rage in the car when you are angry, let the profanity fly and feel your anger. Hit the gym, hit the weights, exhaust yourself. Listen to sad songs.

Do these things and one day in the future, you will look around, and the past will be the past. You will have let go. You will start to write the next chapter of your life. You will be more excited about the possibilities of tomorrow than trying to hang onto the past. It will come, but for now you need to endure the torture of loss, grief, and suffering.

Classic_Dill · 2023-08-08T00:37:59+00:00

For me, it was anger that took me over the hump, I used it, not to eat myself alive, but to fire myself up for a little while so I could burn through the trauma atmosphere, and come out the other side, and start to heal, in my case, it was easy, though, infidelity was involved on my ex-wife‘s part, if there’s nothing like that in your divorce? Then you just got a find a reason to cut off that emotion, it is hard, but it can definitely be done.

Title	Emotional advice for someone who was still invested
Author	Impressive_Benefit_9
Upvotes	8
Comments	32
Date	August 7, 2023 4:58 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/15kqd0g/emotional_advice_for_someone_who_was_still/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/emotional-advice-for-someone-who-was-still.1227768 https://theredarchive.com/post/1227768

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