Ex wife is mean towards me

Winter_Cattle_2133 · 2024-02-16T03:57:36+00:00

Did She ask for the divorce after she got the greencard?

upandatom85 · 2024-02-16T03:04:39+00:00

This is another cut and paste I stole :

I call this the light-switch effect. And it happens when a woman is no longer attracted to you and is moving on, whether or not she cheated.

It's not that she's discrediting all the past good in the relationship, she actually believes it never existed. Let me expand on that a little, and tie it into what we call Briffault's law.

Women use their emotional state to define reality- we already know this. When a man feels an emotion, he asks, what could have caused this emotion? Is it reasonable and rational? Perhaps it is, or is not, but exploring this line of reasoning is how he determines whether or not his feelings match objective reality. If the facts don't line up, perhaps his reaction was wrong.

When a woman feels an emotion, she uses this as her objective reality. Why would she feel betrayed unless somebody had betrayed her? Why would she feel sad unless somebody or something made her sad?

Therefore the decisions she makes based on her reality may seem like total nonsense to a man (women are crazy, right?), because she has determined her reality based on the only prime truth she knows: her emotional state. If a woman is sad, she tells you "you made me sad." She didn't decide her emotional state, you did. Changing her own emotional state is outside the purview of her control.

So that means the emotional state she is experiencing means that you've done something to create that state, intentionally or not. Since she is sad, you've made her sad. Her objective reality states that you've done something wrong to make her sad. This is where a lot of arguments begin, because the man mistakenly will argue "you've taken what I said the wrong way, of course I didn't mean it that way," and to her, it doesn't matter what is rational or reasonable. She is sad and she wouldn't be sad if there wasn't a reason to be sad. Her sadness defined this reality for her. If you hadn't done something worthy of her being sad about, she simply wouldn't be sad.

So back to the light-switch effect. When you've been with a woman for multiple years, and things start going sour, you experience the revisionist history where she claims to have "never loved you" or that you were "always abusive." Yes, the always/never statements. And what they reflect isn't a reality, rather, they reflect her new reality based on her emotions.

The thought process looks much like this: If true love is permanent and real, and I am not feeling true love for this person, but rather disdain and anger, then I must be feeling this way because of who they are. They make me feel bad, so they cannot be good. And since this person makes me feel bad I could not have loved them, because I would never love somebody who makes me feel bad (the qualities he exhibits now must have been inherent qualities he has always had and the feelings I have now must have always been true). So I must have never loved them. The entire relationship must have been a lie. Real true love would be permanent, and this is not permanent, so it was never real true love.

And just like that, her emotional state defines a new reality, where nothing was ever good and everything was based on a lie. Like a light-switch goes from on to off, everything that you two had built disappears into the off position, as though it had never existed.

Many men at this stage try to bargain. "After all we've been through together, how can you throw this away? We can still salvage this!"

And it's a pointless question. What is she throwing away? Absolutely nothing, in her mind. If there was any value in the relationship, she wouldn't feel this way. Therefore there must not have been value in the relationship.

Hope some of this is vaguely helpful. It sounds like you did better than most of us.

Chin up. Carry on.

captainchippsixx · 2024-02-16T02:34:28+00:00

Because you screwed her plan up.

dday_throwaway3 · 2024-02-15T17:45:13+00:00

Stop caring that she's a bitch to you. You can't control her behavior. You can only control your reaction to her behavior. Spend some time reading evolutionary biology and psych books like "Practical Female Psychology", "The Blank Slate" or anything by David Bus to understand why women act the way they do.

Affectionate-Tap7835 · 2024-02-15T17:20:35+00:00

My stbxw (in divorce process now) is horrible and trying to manipulate me nonstop. Best thing is to just remain calm and ignore all the stupid messages.

RevolutionaryLaw8854 · 2024-02-15T17:05:49+00:00

So she left. You have the kid. You pay her nothing. She comes around occasionally.

What’s the problem? She says dumb shit? Who cares what she says?

This is a win. Move on and be a great father to your child

RideATX · 2024-02-15T16:49:36+00:00

She ended your marriage, but if you aren't the bad guy then she is... So, she has convinced herself that it's all your fault and in her mind you are a monster. It's how she feels in her own alternate reality. Ignore her and move on with your life.

Sacramentardo · 2024-02-15T16:32:48+00:00

Did she take your child with her?

GreenUse1398 · 2024-02-15T16:16:36+00:00

Look, she's allowed to leave you, but you're not allowed to leave her. What's complicated about that? Anything she does is righteous by default, anything you do is automatically the behaviour of an a-hole.

Does that help?

denvercaniac · 2024-02-15T16:03:48+00:00

Very likely a personality disorder. Build yourself up, king.

BilboMontague1 · 2024-02-15T15:41:13+00:00

She probably thinks you did something horrible in her alternate reality.

Title	Ex wife is mean towards me
Author	Poutcheki
Upvotes	15
Comments	21
Date	February 15, 2024 3:28 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ari01n/ex_wife_is_mean_towards_me/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/ex-wife-is-mean-towards-me.1245485 https://theredarchive.com/post/1245485

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