I got what I thought I should want, and I miss what I threw away

MsSmiley1230 · 2024-02-28T19:57:20+00:00

It is my experience in life that “feminist” men rarely actually follow their ideals. My feminist first husband had me do everything-working, childcare, cooking, cleaning, finances. It all fell on me.

My now husband definitely is the leader and expects me to be fairly submissive in our relationship but he would never watch me do everything by myself. He believes its his obligation to take care of me. That’s why I submit to him. Its very easy to submit to a man who makes to their mission in life to take care of and protect you. He would never call himself a feminist but he does way more around the house than any other man I’ve been with.

I would rather be with a man who actually helps than a man who pays lip service to equality. However, a decade ago, I never would have been okay with my current relationship-I was very much into feminism.

Business_babe_2 · 2024-02-28T18:26:16+00:00

You are correct, you are now closer to knowing what you want in a partner. And that partner is out there somewhere, but you have to be available to look for and find him.

Right now you are unavailable to date the right partner because you are taking care of a man who is not what you want. And that is not fair on him or on you.

If you want, and you are single you can always try to reach out to the guy that got away. But you should probably prepare yourself for the great chance of him being taken or not interested anymore.

Nevertheless there are other men out there who would fit you better than the guy you are with now. You might want to be aware of time since you want children, you should not endlessly waste time.

Wife_and_Mama · 2024-02-28T21:43:30+00:00

The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is now. You're 30. You're not dead. If this relationship isn't one you want to continue, don't.

TheBunk_TB · 2024-02-28T20:44:38+00:00

I hope you won't repeat the same thing again or choose to go wild.

Are you still around those friends? Did you mature any?

I knew of someone that treated her husband like an accessory, to make herself look good in front of her friends. She seemed upset when she found out he had opinions, hopes, etc.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have friends but I am saying that you may want to weigh how you look at relationships.

If you are willing to tank something promising for "shiny things", you need to be worried about the future.

Ad_Inferno · 2024-02-28T18:54:34+00:00

I may be in the minority around here - I'm not sure - but I do believe that masculinity/femininity and submission are mindsets and attitudes rather than specific action. My husband is very good at cleaning and has extremely high standards for the state of our home. Which of us is actively doing the cleaning is irrelevant: in my view, having those high standards and enforcing them is still masculine. When it comes to finances and who takes care of who, I make substantially more, and I love my job. The latter matters more than the former, and as long as the bills are covered, it's been pretty much completely irrelevant. He plans to take a substantial paternity leave once our baby is born in April.

But none of this "progressive" setup takes away from the fact that at the end of the day, I don't dictate anything to him. He leads; I follow. That's it. What strikes me about the relationship you describe is your partner's unwillingness to "be a man" and instead letting you do everything. This is why I used the specific example of my husband cleaning the house - he sees something that he thinks needs to be done, and he does it. Doesn't matter what it is: to me, that is leadership, and leadership is masculine.

Okay, so why do I say all that? Because I think when looking for a partner, instead of ticking boxes about who does what, you can save yourself most of the stress and take the shortcut of simply looking for a man who knows what it means to be a leader in a relationship: he will take your opinions into account, but he will not be dictated to, and he will not need to be told what to do by you. To me, it's that simple, that those are the things your partner as you described him is lacking, and those are the things you need to get out there and find.

sapphiredawn · 2024-02-28T19:38:05+00:00

Hiya. I hear you and feel this in my soul. It sounds like you have experienced something that a lot of us have with feminism and politics. What you are feeling is completely valid. You also are in an incredible position - it is hard to see right now, I know - wherein now that you see the absurdity and invertedness of it all, you can take steps towards actions that get you closer to what you truly desire.

Women in general are vulnerable to social pressure from peers, especially when it is in the form of one versus the group or herd. It is natural that your friends' feelings influence you as a woman, this is our wiring and it is not inherently wrong.

In our modern world, things have changed so drastically that our biology and neurochemistry simply haven't had time to catch up. The world isn't built to sustain relationships and create strong families any longer; it is built for consumerism and instant-gratification. You learned a valuable lesson about what truly matters to you and you get to decide how to act on that starting right now. What do you want to learn about first? If I were in your position (and I feel like I experienced one similarly, not too long ago) I would start with who I am and what I value. Take time to be honest about who you've grown into, what you want, and how your needs are no longer being met by continuing to live the life of a woman whom you no longer are or relate to.

There's so much information in the sidebar. For a literal treasure chest of knowledge, check out this post. Take the time to feel shitty about your mistake, process it, and move forward in a way that reflects who you are now and what you value. This is your map; you take your feelings and decide what you do and do not want to feel. Put those two things together and you have a treasure map.

PolarLove · 2024-02-29T08:27:38+00:00

I’m in the same boat except my husband is awesome. It’s hilarious that men are like OK sure have a job and contribute 50% to the bills BUT ALSO take care of 100% of the emotional load, domestic cleaning, social planning, and child rearing. Sounds like a great deal for them. And we’re supposed to act happy about it. Anything less than this setup and we’re looked down upon and called anti feminist.

Leonhart93 · 2024-02-29T11:55:11+00:00

Something that is self-evident to me, but it's not socially acceptable to state: there are no actually feminist men. Only men that use that as a strategy to get laid, or that they find it convenient because they don't have to do as much or accept as much responsibility. If they would perceive a different political view point as more advantageous, they would just adopt that instead.

And you going after those it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy, since you will always find there is something fundamentally lacking in them as far as masculinity and principles go.

xoxo_tou · 2024-02-28T19:58:01+00:00

You seem to be revisiting the same dynamics you sought to escape. Just as women have been encouraged to assert themselves, men have often been discouraged from being too dominant. By establishing boundaries and guidelines, you can help your partner become the person they aspire to be. Our behaviors are shaped by our surroundings. It's common to perceive the grass as greener elsewhere, but often we miss what we had once it's gone, attributing its absence to its perceived inadequacy.

Masculine and feminine traits manifest in individuals regardless of gender. You may find yourself taking charge in various aspects of life, yet yearning for a more feminine essence. Similarly, your partner might desire to embody more masculine qualities. If you wish to reconcile these differences, I can offer guidance, having experienced a similar journey. When both partners stray from their natural inclinations, it leads to a disconnect. To bridge this gap, introspection and personal growth are necessary. It's not solely the responsibility of your partner to fulfill your happiness; seeking perfection in others won't bring contentment. Instead, delve into your own femininity, as attempting to control situations mirrors the masculine energy you seek from him. Without a void to fill, there's no need for someone else to complete you. I hope this resonates with you.

SeriousMaintenance76 · 2024-02-29T04:12:20+00:00

Also have you talked to him? Like it okay to bring the problem to him . I went through something similar with my husband as I was making more money and doing most of the household chores.

Honestly I blamed him for a while, but after having thinking about it, I felt less of a woman if I allowed him to clean as I was micromanaging to the point where he didn’t want to try. Finally I just went to him and now I do no cleaning, I rather work lol. I hate it and he honestly loves cleaning.

Restella1215 · 2024-02-28T19:44:44+00:00

This may get me down voted but these do not all have to be mutually exclusive.

You can be a feminist and like having a traditional role in the home/like being submissive - I am

You can be a corporate girl boss and want to prioritize family and your relationship - I do

You can be with a man who has a liberal mindset but who still operates as a traditional man and/or dominates - my partner does

Given where he and I are in our careers, I currently make more financially, but I have not paid for our weekly date night in heavens knows how long, and he purchases for me my every desire without a second thought (my money is mostly our savings and he handles most of the home and outside expenses). I can also go out with him without a care in the world knowing no one can touch me because I feel protected and safe.

He also comes home to a clean home and a peaceful relationship. He is also never deprived of having a loving compassionate partner either despite my ambitions and occupational drive and I also make time to fulfill his needs.

To me I think it is less about sides (traditional, conservative, liberal, ambitious, whatever politician or ideological term is out there), and more about how two human beings CHOOSE to show up for each other and in your respective relationships

You are experiencing men who are not choosing to show up in the way you would like them to.

You are also not choosing to show up in a way YOU would like yourself to

I wish you well in your journey as you find where your choices align

HedgeRunner · 2024-02-29T13:26:39+00:00

Cheer up.

Look the fact that you realized this means you can find a man like him again. There are TONs of great conservative-leaning or moderate leaning man who is just hiding in plain sight because its impossible to date in cities full of liberal hatred.

CommGeekGirl · 2024-03-01T00:41:10+00:00

This isn't about liberal or conservative politics, this is about a lack of boundaries. You're infantilizing men and presenting an inauthentic version of yourself. I used to make the same mistake. You're acting like you're low maintenance. You're not. You don't just want to help him with things. You're trying to buy his love with acts of service and then getting angry at him if he doesn't return the same amount of love tokens.

The reality is he never asked for your help. He never asked for you to do all that you're doing. He doesn't even know you're using an emotional currency. And you can't buy someone's love in any way.

I seriously think you need to step back, stop people pleasing, learn to give yourself the love you're seeking in others, and stop weaponizing kindness. Do things in honor of God if you believe in that instead of "for" the other person. But there's some sort of expectation you have that's not healthy.

Also be willing to walk away from a dream guy at any moment if you're not compatible. If your beliefs didn't line up with his you weren't wrong there. Your values and communication need to line up before you get serious with someone. If you can't calmly explain your feelings and needs to him and it be received, then don't be in that relationship. If this keeps happening with all the men you date. Sorry but the problem is you. You're the common denominator. Take time to assess where your boundaries and communication went awry before jumping into a new situation because you're lonely.

AnonTheGreat01 · 2024-03-01T07:32:41+00:00

Best way I have heard it worded was something along the lines of 'Women wanted to be more like men, they got what they wanted and are treated more like men & they hate it'.

sapphiredawn · 2024-02-28T19:09:44+00:00

[permanently deleted]

AutoModerator · 2024-02-28T18:10:49+00:00

Title: I got what I thought I should want, and I miss what I threw away

Author alarmedbubble22

Full text: I (30F) feel like our society pressures women almost into this corporate girl boss feminist role that should want a 50/50 relationship with a liberal and not traditional man. And I bought into that, making political beliefs and complete equality in chores and stuff more important. Overall have ended up dating insecure men who make less than me and expect me to pay 50/50 while also ironically me still doing more of the chores and the planning and basically fucking everything. Current partner even wants me to be dominant in bed half the time. I’m fucking sick of it and I want a more traditional dominant man. Someone who wouldn’t be upset that I may want to stay home with the kids for a bit when we start a family. Someone who I could do cooking and cleaning for but in exchange not have to do all the “masculine” stuff too. I fix things around the house and cook and clean and still current partner wants ME to be dominant of him.

I just want to cry because I thought this guy was everything I wanted from the outside but the further in I get the more unhappy I am. Four years ago I broke up with a guy who was a strong gentle traditional man, but we disagreed politically and I was embarrassed to have him near some of my friends who are really into politics and thought it reflected badly on me that he was conservative (I’m not even friends with those people anymore…). It was the most fulfilling relationship I’d ever had with a man and it could have worked if I had just let my own wants guide me instead of listening to other peoples opinions. I spoke to him last almost two years ago and he still had some feelings for me, but I’m sure he has moved on by now. He lives in a different state now too.

I just feel like I’ve made a mistake in my life. I guess at least I’m getting closer to knowing exactly what I want by finding what I absolutely don’t want. But I just feel so lost.

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shayshay2992 · 2024-02-29T10:41:08+00:00

Ugh I’m in the same boat as you and I’m feeling lsot

Strawberries_n_Chill · 2024-02-29T22:50:12+00:00

Better late than never.

Title	I got what I thought I should want, and I miss what I threw away
Author	alarmedbubble22
Upvotes	79
Comments	37
Date	February 28, 2024 6:10 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1b2cwug/i_got_what_i_thought_i_should_want_and_i_miss/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/i-got-what-i-thought-i-should-want-and-i-miss-what.1246688 https://theredarchive.com/post/1246688

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