Ut Oh. The "Talk" is Nigh. Any pro tips?

Mouthpiece · 2011-01-26T18:32:07+00:00

Understand that this is about her feelings, not her logic, and any attempt to use logic will fail.

She wants to feel valued. You've been seeing each other for a month and sleeping together for at least part of that time. She wants to use exclusivity as a proxy for feeling valued and not simply used. Is there anything you can do, consistent with your desires, that can accomplish this?

For example… maybe you can introduce her to your parents. As your "girlfriend." Show her, don't tell her, that she has value to you, but do so in a way that doesn't reduce your value to her or to yourself. Can she be your girlfriend in a non-exclusive way? Can she support your need to be a self-determined man with a valuable but non-exclusive woman in his life? And if not, is she worth it to you to—at least for the short term—agree to exclusivity? (If fact, would you be willing to try being exclusive for a defined term, say a month or so?)

There's more than one way to skin this cat, and not all of them involve ultimatums.

frogma · 2011-01-26T15:46:35+00:00

Take your own advice. Sounds like you know what's up. If you keep your frame, you could probably still get her to stay without being exclusive, but I dunno how long you'd be able to keep that up anyway. So it's your decision to make.

donkeypunched · 2011-01-26T17:15:39+00:00

I usually give the organic relationship talk. I need this to grow naturally and see what happens. I hate to jump into a relationship JUST to see if it works. If after a few months we end up spending a lot of time together then let's have THAT talk, else we had a a lot of good memories.

rustoof · 2011-01-26T19:29:57+00:00

I think this needs to be said. Yes, you can probably get her re-framed and ok with this. But the truth is real quality girls looking for someone exclusive will sooner or later force the issue. Anything you can do is a delaying tactic.

So for example, I am exclusive with my GF now, but i managed to delay the talk for more than six months.

I was just honest with her "Hey babe, I like you. That decision has more to do with me and what I'm comfortable with. I'm not ready for that. Right now I'll give you 40% odds it works out that way"

Worked for me to gain another 3 months

cheddarchexmix · 2011-01-26T20:10:21+00:00

I've switched to taking a pretty hard line on the exclusivity/GF talk. I tell her: she's not my girlfriend; I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now; I don't want to see her more than (depending on girl, 2-3) times a week; I was seeing other people when I met her, and will be continuing to do so; she can do whatever the hell she wants in her time apart from me, including banging other guys; we don't "own" each others' time or what we do with it when we're apart.

It's an annoying, long discussion (last one was like 3 hours), that often includes her tears, but so far since adopting the hard line, it's always ended with "well I don't like it, but it's better than not seeing you, so OK."

You also have to absolutely be ready to walk on the spot. Every girl I've had the talk with, basically as a shit test, has said early on in the discussion "well that's not what I want, so we can't see each other". And I just respond "well I'm sorry you feel that way, but I get it, maybe I'll see you around". And then they are just in shock and re-engage in the conversation. If you're not ready to do this, then you may as well cave before you even have the talk.

Also try to set the frame of your relationship to avoid the talk. With my girls, I don't take them to dinner or any date more fancy than drinks, or maybe the occasional free show. We don't see each other during the day, and we have sex every time we're together. That usually gets the girl on the right page, especially if she's late 20's/early 30's.

Good luck. I get the feeling you're not yet sure of exactly what you want; make sure you figure that out before the talk, and how far from that you're willing to deviate. Then stick to it.

drrensy · 2011-01-27T00:34:29+00:00

I tend to always tell the truth. She has every right to get all the facts and make her decision. Why take her somewhere she doesn't want to go? Be kind but true to yourself and to her. You can seduce girls but you have to know when, for their health, it's time to let go.

blackdevildisco · 2011-01-27T03:58:26+00:00

I think OP may have made his first blunder by letting her pick the place and (I'm guessing) time for this meeting. You should be doing that in general, and especially talks like this.

wildcardpua · 2011-01-26T17:05:40+00:00

PROTIP: Hold your frame. Think of this as a prolonged shit test. You won't stop being attractive to her if you remain unattainable as a boyfriend. She would then be forced to shut you out (which you should be prepared for by holding an abundance mentality) or stay within your frame. Let her know that you are still qualifying her (which is the absolute truth) and she has no say over when this qualification period is over, nor can she do anything to expedite the process.

Imidazole0 · 2011-01-26T15:49:34+00:00

"Darling, I think it's too soon for us to attach a title to our relationship, let's just keep doing what we're doing, and see where it ends up?" :)

If you feel for more...

"I really like you, and it seems like you really like me, so I wouldn't worry about it - what's mean to happen will happen, and we'll both more than likely like the outcome."

yokhai · 2011-01-26T21:17:33+00:00

You could go full tilt in the other direction.

"Look, i don't like all this pressure you keep putting on me about exclusivity. That's just not the point I am in my life. I have a great time with you so i think it's best if we just be friends at this point. If you change your mind, I'm always open to re-evaluate this in the future."

I think wildcard has the most sensible approach, esp if you really do want to keep this girl around. I think mine is the most fun. I mean what guy doesn't want to LJBF some girl at least once in his life. I say fuck it and have fun with this thing.

MrRisky · 2011-01-26T22:36:35+00:00

Of the 3 I've had walk after the talk:

First one was a religious girl, so not a lot I could do there. She just wasn't going to keep having sex without a commitment.

Second one was cool with it until her ex boyfriend came back into the picture and said he was ready to talk marriage and kids. We're still friends.

Third one was cool, then after a few months, said she couldn't do it. She still drunk dials me for a hook up every other week or so. I'd be down, but every time she has done it, I'm either working late or with someone else. I think that unavailability has kept her chasing, but if I don't see her again soon, I'm pretty sure she'll be completely gone.

ExNihiloGN · 2011-01-27T03:32:26+00:00

You think she could potentially be someone you'd want to date exclusively in the future, right? Tell her you're not ready to make that decision yet, but that you're not trying to waste her time either. I'm a woman and if that's the state of mind a man I was interested in was in, I could accept that. And if I really liked him and saw that same potential, I could wait for that to change too.

Assumptions to follow: She doesn't want to feel used, but she also doesn't want to jump the gun; that's probably why she feels embarrassed. She'll probably be trying to gauge your sincerity. If you don't think you'll want to see her exclusively later on and this is just about potentiality and fun for you, she might pick up on that. She also might not. I wouldn't encourage you to try to fool her though. You'll get to keep her on for a bit longer, will have some fun and good times, but ultimately will end up with someone very hurt.

Title	Ut Oh. The "Talk" is Nigh. Any pro tips?
Author	ExNihiloGN
Upvotes	10
Comments	33
Date	January 26, 2011 3:39 PM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/f9ec7/ut_oh_the_talk_is_nigh_any_pro_tips/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/ut-oh-the-talk-is-nigh-any-pro-tips.1314955 https://theredarchive.com/post/1314955

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