Got too caught up with playing it cool. Lost a girl I really cared about.

PhattiG · 2011-06-16T04:55:04+00:00

Also, there's being a nice guy (which is predictable and boring), being as asshole (which is unpredictable hurtful), and being a great guy (a mixture of the two). Don't equate being an asshole (being mean) to busting her balls (calling her out in a playful honest manor, which is what they're really looking for). Someone who can give them sincere advice (confident constructive criticism) without being to scared to (nice guy), or being mean (asshole).

PhattiG · 2011-06-16T04:50:55+00:00

Relationships are push and pull. Just pretty much keep the balance with their mood. Match up with efforts. With a surprise here and there. It's kind of counter intuitive. If you want them to love, pull away. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. When they pull away, then love them. Unless one side's pulling away because the other is leaning on them.

krupadlux · 2011-06-16T04:31:18+00:00

Its a delicate delicate game to play. You have to play it cool but still make somewhat of an effort to show you are interested

griffin3141 · 2011-06-16T04:54:28+00:00

The other issue was that we were both terrible at communicating, so I had no idea there was a problem until she broke up with me. I apologized and told her how I feel. She's going to Europe for a few months, which will be really good for me. I won't have a chance to act the fool trying to win her back or anything. I just need to work on improving myself and show her that I'm the kind of person she wants to be with (she's two of my best female friends's roommate). You can't change other people, only yourself =).

IAMA_monkey · 2011-06-16T11:24:17+00:00

Learn to recognize the times where commitment has to be shown and the times where it hasn't. For example: girlfriend's pet died? Dont be an asshole and play it cool, but show her some love and comfort. Other example: Just plain hanging out at her place? Play it cool.

Another tip, one way to get away with playing it cool most of the time is by surprising her from time to time with something awesome (a nice dinner, some really good sex etc..).

Comma20 · 2011-06-16T10:30:22+00:00

But, what have you LEARNED?

Kentyfish · 2011-06-16T11:01:14+00:00

Happened to me, lost the fittest girl i've ever banged. She ended up falling some guy exactly like me but a bit more socially reclusive, and i've regretted it since

chalengr · 2011-06-16T11:33:25+00:00

Roughly speaking, I think you gotta recognize the difference between tension (attraction) and release (comfort). You need both. Build attraction by pushing her away, then create comfort by pulling her back in and kissing her. In a relationship you want this dynamic as well.

chumpta · 2011-06-16T12:37:47+00:00

sometimes learning calibration sucks

griffin3141 · 2011-06-16T12:58:48+00:00

Don't tell me you let her go without a fight.

assholebiker · 2011-06-16T14:24:30+00:00

For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder.

If you want to pull in fresh meat on a regular basis, by all means, be indifferent. If you really want to form something deeper with someone, you're going to have to let yourself be truly vulnerable at some point.

If you have true Inner Game, you can do both - love yourself enough not to need others and you can be vulnerable without being desperate. That's seductive.

EDIT: To be clear, most of us are mortals and do need to rein ourselves in the early stages.

SedditorX · 2011-06-16T15:43:17+00:00

[permanently deleted]

2011-06-16T22:46:00+00:00

The important thing to remember is that practice makes perfect. You seem to understand that. Just keep trying to find the balance.

I'm interested in finding out (and everybody, please comment) if it's better to have a homogenous balance (always the same kind of guy) or to fluctuate back-and-forth, keep her off balance in a way.

bollvirtuoso · 2011-06-16T05:16:57+00:00

Maybe you should try being yourself. Why play the games?

PhattiG · 2011-06-16T04:47:55+00:00

Tell her you're sorry, when you really care for somebody a lot, it's harder to show it, because the other side will take it for granted.

Fenor · 2011-06-16T10:04:01+00:00

this experience will help you to improve and be a better man for the next girl you'll meet don't bee an asshole and don't be mr nice guy. Be the awsome man the woman love that in between these 2 categories

rudiegonewild · 2011-06-16T14:13:43+00:00

have someone show her this post

griffin3141 · 2011-06-16T14:21:35+00:00

Thanks for all the advice guys. I think I'm going to become a much better person from this experience. If she'd communicated to me how she felt sooner, I would have gladly made the change for her. This girl was just so independent that I thought getting too close was the opposite of what she wanted. I guess I'm not as good at reading people as I thought.

We agreed to stay friends when she gets back from traveling, and I think being friends will give me a chance to show her that I can be caring and appreciate her.

l3fth4nd · 2011-06-16T15:35:44+00:00

With relationships, you kinda have to read minds. Eventually you will always come to crossroads where the choice is to compromise and resolve on an issue or break up. You should know most of what is going on in her inner world, it should interest you greatly. There are some things she'll only want to share with you over time as she learns to trust you more, but as long as you push to know her it's hard not to realize when she's down about something. If she won't tell you what that something is, then it's probably a relationship issue and the sooner you find out, the better for the both of you. If you have something nagging at you, you must tell her about it. There are no exceptions to this, if you wait too long for fear that it is something neither of you want to deal with because it likely spells the end, the eventual discussion will be that much more emotionally charged and destructive. That emotional buildup is probably what caused your breakup more than the issue itself. Yeah there's the push pull in a relationship but that's shallow and rather common sense, it's a fun game you play but it's not the basis of the relationship, it does seem to dictate the power dynamic though.

griffin3141 · 2011-06-16T18:30:57+00:00

One thing you need to remember is that you don't give a girl more than she is worth. A nice guy will tend to treat a woman he just started to date like she is the greatest thing in the world, when honestly she is not. Make her prove herself to you before you open up, that doesn't mean be an asshole though, just be careful and show the attention and care she has earned.

It goes both ways though, when a woman proves she is great, treat her like she is. That doesn't mean be demanding and overbearing. It's a judgement call, it requires balance. But definitely do not treat a girl you have been dating for only a month or two like a princess. I made that mistake and I got hurt.

Really, there is (hopefully) only one woman you will ever treat like she is the GREATEST thing in the world and that will be your wife.

Just my two cents.

griffin3141 · 2011-06-17T00:56:09+00:00

[permanently deleted]

PrimaxAUS · 2011-06-16T08:29:47+00:00

Given the disregard Reddit is continuting to show to their 3rd party developers, their moderators and their community I'm proposing the start of a 'reddit seppuku' movement.

Reddit itself doesn't produce anything of value. The value is generated by it's users sharing posts and comments with each other. Reddit squats above the value we create and extracts value from it.

If spez is going to continue on this path, I don't want them to monetize my content. Therefore, I'm using tools to edit my entire comment history to a generic protest message. I want to wallpaper over all my contributions. I expect people will comment saying they'll get around that anyway - this isn't something I can control.

But I can make a statement, and if that statement is picked up by the press then it will affect the Reddit IPO. Spez needs a wake up call - if he continues to shit on the userbase of Reddit, then I hope the userbase will leave him nothing to monetize.

The tool I'm using can be found here: https://github.com/pkolyvas/PowerDeleteSuite

Scroll down to the bottom, click the installation link, and on the next page drag the button to your bookmark bar. Click it to go to your user page, then click it again to go to fire up the tool and set it up.

Good luck.

Deaner3D · 2011-06-16T10:53:37+00:00

yeah but here's the thing: bitches be crazy.

Title	Got too caught up with playing it cool. Lost a girl I really cared about.
Author	griffin3141
Upvotes	33
Comments	68
Date	June 16, 2011 4:24 AM UTC (15 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/i0y33/got_too_caught_up_with_playing_it_cool_lost_a/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/got-too-caught-up-with-playing-it-cool-lost-a-girl.1319386 https://theredarchive.com/post/1319386

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