Picking up shy girls

aielam · 2012-03-20T16:53:08+00:00

Shy girl (irl) here. Ask questions a lot. Leading questions, not yes or no questions. It's likely that the shy ones are also the smart ones, so it helps if you are too. For example, ask about the books she's reading and what makes her like them so much. "Why" is a great question, because it asks politely for her to open up, and you'll learn a great deal about the kind of girl she is.

breadrising · 2012-03-20T17:37:26+00:00

I love shy girls. Absolutely love them. I've found the best way to get them talking is to

ask them questions. Get them talking. The more they talk, the more comfortable they'll be.
give them a confidence boost to help them open up. A compliment. Even a small one, goes a long way. Also, smile while you talk/listen (not in a creepy way) to show you're really interested in talking to them. This boosts their confidence if they know you truly are wanting them to open up a little more.
don't put forth a lot of pressure. Act as if you're just a friend of theirs that they can talk to about their day. Sometimes, the more forward you are, the more they shut down; make sure you keep things fun and light hearted.

Logical_Troll · 2012-03-20T16:03:41+00:00

Act shy as well, but still control the situation. Direct it in a backwards way that makes her feel like she's in control, and she will become more open.

puaCurveBall · 2012-03-20T16:02:38+00:00

Pretty much all techniques factor calibration into when / how to use them.

If you are talking a completely non-reactive girl, I'll go just extremely direct in talking, just asking if she wants to kiss me, come back to my place, etc.

You can transcend being needy by adopting the frame that she isn't giving you enough information to judge the situation. Communication is a 2 way street and if she isn't, it is on her.

atheistjubu · 2012-03-20T19:11:09+00:00

Do a search. This is a perennial question in /r/seduction.

I picked up my current girlfriend in a gym. She is into Firefly, Star Wars (incl. EU), and is somewhat shy. I took many of her early remarks and reticence to reply to me to be standoffish. Turned out she was just nervous. Fortunately, I hung around during the awkward silence, figuring I would earn points by her seeing the awkwardness I was willing to go through. I did. Either she thought I was brave for being willing to look like an ass like that or she thought I had such a presence that she was too busy being nervous herself to notice my anxiousness. Either way, I win.

Ended up giving her my card and she emailed me "just to be polite". That was 5 months ago.

Lessons learned: don't assume her being slow to speak is rudeness, she might just be nervous. As for KINO, your observation totally matches mine. Be willing to go extra slow on anything vaguely sexual, and make the extra effort to observe her reaction when you try something. She won't necessarily speak up when she needs you to know something.

aielam · 2012-03-21T02:15:52+00:00

I personally don't think the Standard PUA model correctly identifies gender atypical women. Among those women would be shy intelligent introverts (ie, the ones that have the most in common Cerberus Pluribus with nerdy males)

A blogger who goes by the handle HughRiskit explains:

[..]This division is inspired by Gangestad et al.'s finding that people fit into two taxa: a majority taxon of gender typical people (85%+ of people), and a minority taxon of gender of atypical people (queer people were mostly in this taxon). If anyone is bothered by terms like "atypical women" or "typical women," bring it up and we'll talk about the stats.

I would categorize the relationship of these two taxa of females as follows:

The model PUAs have of women in the gender-atypical minority taxon sucks.

The model that many women in the gender-atypical taxon have of other women in the gender-typical taxon, also sucks.

As a result, PUAs and women in the minority taxon often miss each other like ships in the dark, and have fundamentally different experiences in heterosexual interaction, even they have a lot of psychological similarities. [...]

This to a great extent explains why feminists find PUA so objectionable, why their suggestions don't work or are actively harmful and why it seems that they are fundementaly out of touch with average women.

The conclusion we can draw is that they are not average. You may see women on reddit complain that they don't really understand most women. In fact I've noticed this quite often.

I personally feel it would be incorrect to doubt their subjective inner experience. They very likely do differ from regular women in many ways just as male nerds differ from average males in many different ways.

Yet I've actually met plenty of women who would fall into the minority gender-atypical taxon who do understand typical women, experience difficulties interacting with them, and are sympathetic to male difficulties interacting with these women. A female friend of my mine in college insists that "women are evil." Another female friend (highly introverted and thing-oriented) once told me that she doesn't like most women and can't relate to them; she considers them annoying and full of drama.

Hugh's basic theory is that these non neurotypical tendencies arise from masuclinization. That is, it is more likely an introvert woman is psychologically more male than female. This may explain in the opposite direction why very many gay and bi men as well as other non neurotypical males are perceived as more feminine.

Yup, you are observant. Since poly women have more male-typical sexuality (polyamory, high sociosexuality) and nerdy women have more male-typical interests and psychology, I think I'm justified in locating the hypothesis of an underlying masculinization factor. This masculinization is probably biological (specifically, prenatal... and yes, I do have more research on this). I hypothesize that masculinization or feminization are some of the most important dimensions in personality and interests (which is consistent with mainstream psychology, though a bit non-PC) and I am working on figuring out the practical implications of those dimensions with respect to dating. So far, I'm ahead of the seduction community on this subject.

It should be noted that "thing-oriented" might be better phrased as "system-oriented" a female commenter noted she was "word-oriented" but this is, in a way, semantics. Words are a system. As is an economy, a programming language, a car, the process of writing, art etc. [system oriented originally said "person-oriented" this is a mistake and the opposite of what I was trying to say. I have edited]

If you are planning on disregarding the entire PUA business upon hearing this you should hold your horses. As was noted the gender typical taxon is 85+% and the ratio of nerdy girls to nerdy boys is clearly more male. Thus it plays to acquire general social skills, social skills with gender typical women, and social skills with gender typical men since those are the types of people you will be likely to interact with.

Speedtarzanjujitsu · 2012-03-20T17:47:33+00:00

It always helps to have a more extroverted female join up with your group as well; preferably one you're not interested in and can feel comfortable around without making the shy girl feel intimidated.

2012-03-21T03:15:56+00:00

Realize that shy girls are just the same as us. They are people that want to be treated respectfully, and they also enjoy sex. They may not necessarily be willing to fuck in you in an alley after 5 minutes of meeting you, but they still want sex just as much as anyone else.

My method of picking up shy girls is to almost ignore their shyness. I mean, I'll recognize discomfort and shyness, but I don't view them as "shy person". I just view them as "person". It almost breaks down their wall of shyness. I talk to them like a real person, giving them no reason to even be shy around me. I'm relaxed and calm, and I make them relaxed and calm so they're not shy.

You know how you can talk to someone you've just met as if you've known them for years? I pretty much do my best to replicate that with everyone, whether they're shy or social butterflies or whatever.

I guess it's all just state transference. I'm a goofy dude, and I try to bring out their fun side without trying to uncomfortably force it out.

Also, I'm not saying I'm going to approach a shy girl the same way I'd run the train on a girl in the middle of a dance floor. But at the same time, I'm not trying to be someone I'm not. I don't believe in arbitrary patterns and techniques for specific girls, since people are just people.

Mr_Question · 2012-03-20T19:24:25+00:00

I just met a shy girl at my school who works in the department I do. A friend of mine who works with her close with her said she like my conversation and really liked my compliment. I added her on FB and she added me back, but i never got a message back from a personal message I sent her. I want to approach but be meaningful as well... any other suggestions?

cloverandbee · 2012-03-20T20:25:09+00:00

Do you mean shy (i.e. anxious in social situations) or introverted (i.e. draws energy from being alone rather than by spending time with others)? Try and go for the latter but not the former--a non-shy introvert will have fewer insecurities and be less needy. Trust me: I'm an introverted girl who used to be shy.

With introverts, the basics still apply, really. You may have to give her a bit more space in the beginning--if she doesn't want to spend time with you on any given instance, it could just mean that she promised herself some alone time after a weekend of socializing (though it could also mean she's not into you, of course). Don't remark on her being "quiet" or tell her to "smile more"--that's a complete turn off; just talk to her like a normal person.

With a lot of introverts--male and female--I've found that although they'll hold their tongue on a lot of things, there's a couple of topics that they're interested in; if you stumble across one of those, then they'll never shut up. Ask a lot of questions, and make them direct and specific (if you ask "What do you like to do?" you'll probably get a shrug and a one-word answer, but if you ask "What's your favorite thing about Argentine tango?" she'll actually talk about it). Don't let her quietness make you nervous.

You mentioned that with kino it's easy to go overboard quickly--that's true, but don't neglect it entirely. As an introverted girl, I still do feel myself more drawn to the people who touch me, but not those who touch me too much or who do it the wrong way. There's a fine line between "friendly" and "creepy." Just move very slowly and calibrate to her responses.

Also, one last tip: try talking to her alone rather than with a group of people. Although I'm comfortable with a group of people for short periods of time, I tend to be a bit "invisible." It's a lot less exhausting for many introverts to talk one-on-one, and you'll actually get words out of them.

2012-03-20T18:00:53+00:00

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jimii · 2012-03-20T17:33:56+00:00

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Edgar_Allan_Rich · 2012-03-20T18:39:09+00:00

I would try to avoid shy girls if I was you. For me they are a waste of time. Don't confuse shy for introverted though. They're different. From my experience the introverts will be coy under most circumstances but will really appreciate you taking the reigns in a relationship. Act like you would around anyone else. If they like you they'll just tell you when they do or do not want to proceed and they'll be clear about it (a date, a kiss, sex, whatever). Shy girls on the other hand tend to just stay shy and worried aren't willing to open up and because of this they end up flaking.

Title	Picking up shy girls
Author	rococo78
Upvotes	86
Comments	72
Date	March 20, 2012 3:27 PM UTC (14 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/r55zz/picking_up_shy_girls/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/picking-up-shy-girls.1330189 https://theredarchive.com/post/1330189

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