Tips for getting over fear of escalating things physically

joshsway · 2015-12-29T17:48:43+00:00

There's almost no downside. I have been told I was really touchy etc. so many times on dates and it has almost never interfered (in general people like it). Just say, if they call you out on it: "Yeah I know haha, always been that way" or something of the sort.

CrushHazard · 2015-12-29T17:43:13+00:00

Yes, reframe it this way: as long as you follow all of the common sense rules like isolate first, have at least some positive rapport going, don't move too fast, don't be forceful, don't be creepy/weird....even if she isn't into you and you have to stop and shake it off, she will take it as a compliment. Most men are like you -- afraid. Women want to feel wanted -- even if it is by someone they aren't attracted to.

A classic scenario that pops up again and again for younger guys (high school and early college) is you are sitting their talking to a girl for hours and hours and you think she really likes you and all that. Then you steal away to just bask in the glory of having developed decent rapport with a woman; you go to find her and find out that she is in the bedroom fucking a guy who isn't as tall or as handsome or as smart, whatever....you get all jealous and shit and want to kill yourself.

So what really happened there? You warmed her up and another guy went in for the close. This woman wanted to have sex, she was probably trying to use a Vulcan mind meld to get you to make a move, but you didn't! And she isn't an idiot. In objective terms, you passively rejected her and she doesn't feel good about it. She knows that guys who don't make moves aren't just going to start. She did the smart thing and strutted over to a guy who could read her signals and who wasn't afraid to escalate. It may not feel fair to you, but trust me, it is totally fair. Women aren't going to fuck themselves. Get with the program.

The obvious disclaimer here is that you should never be forceful or persistent in the face of rejection. No means no. If she doesn't want you, then swallow your pride, go back and give it another shot. If you know how to properly escalate, it is very likely that another woman there would like to see what you are all about. And maybe if the first woman hears that you know how to fuck well, she will change her mind about you. Anything is possible if you get over your fear and just go for it (in a legal and sensible manner).

oaktownraider13 · 2015-12-29T20:23:44+00:00

Give yourself permission to enjoy it

letsgetrandy · 2015-12-29T21:34:44+00:00

When I was a teenager, I had all the usual approach anxiety and fear of escalating that we see discussed every day in here. I had a crush on a girl from school, who was a cashier at the nearby grocery. One day I was in there with my dad, overthinking it and trying to decide if I should buy her a rose or what I could do to be smooth, when out of nowhere, my 50-year-old, quite overweight, father hits on her! And she eats it up. I'm the one crushing on her, and my dad just goes in and goes for it. On the way out, he said: "It's all numbers, son. I may get told no nine times in a row, but there's one in every ten who will say yes."

I learned that lesson. I make a move on literally every girl who spends time with me. Why? Because I don't give a fuck. Occasionally they say no. So what! Most of them go with it and I end up getting laid. And as I'm not 50 years old nor obese, my numbers are far better than 1-in-10.

The point? Your fear is too heavily invested in this one, right now, who might say no. You need to get over that, and just get on to the act of doing it. So what if you get rejected? There's another girl coming along in five minutes, and if you keep on trying you're eventually going to find the percentage who say yes.

pianobrah · 2015-12-29T17:28:08+00:00

If you think you are acting creepy when escalating with a girl that's exactly how will you come off.

Understand that physical contact with humans is an extremely natural and necessary thing.

Shfiend · 2015-12-29T19:27:15+00:00

Be there with a mindset of trying to genuinely make a new friend and show genuine interest to what she has to say.

Have fun while you're at it. Once you are able to stop making every single interaction feels like an opportunity to have sex, you'll be able to get rid of that anxiety feeling of women looking at you as a creep, then you'll be able to treat any attractive women all the same.

Just remember sex is usually the result of a good interaction. Be your confident self and interact normally. If she finds you attractive, sex will come sooner or later. How to be confident? Start from lifting weights and get a confidence boost, then work on your game.

bostonandthebottle · 2015-12-29T19:43:17+00:00

Look for an opportunity to be standing or sitting close. Wait for a break or reset in the situation or mood. For example if you both get a hearty laugh from something, or she leaves for a minute to get a snack or drink and returns.

Don't surprise her. Glance into her eyes. Don't stare. Smile. Touch her hand or shoulder. Give her a moment to back off if she decides to. Touch her shoulder or hair. If she goes in for the kiss, great. If not, kiss her near the mouth and wait for her to turn and reciprocate.

(If she doesn't reciprocate back off. Now you have even more questions to weigh on your mind.)

I_Be_Strokin_it · 2015-12-29T20:03:09+00:00

Google: DiCarlo escalation ladder. Also found this: https://www.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/hlmra/dicarlo_escalation_ladder_concise_and_emphasized/

Ravnurin · 2015-12-29T23:56:54+00:00

Touching is a big subject, if it's to be covered properly, but here's an excerpt from a blog post of mine:

"Whether you're the kind of guy who is already touching a lot or hardly doing any touching at all, some of this might be either a little bit or very far outside your comfort zone and so it might be very intimidating at first. When I first started, I was not a touchy-feely kind of guy, I hardly did any touching at all, and for me it was very fucking scary when I began practising this stuff. I had all these thoughts of how the girl was going to freak out and ask me what the hell I was doing; that she'd tell me I was a big ass weirdo and that'd she'd storm on out of the bar or cause a massive scene. Surprisingly, none of that happened. I believe the 'worst' incident was a girl asking me to stop touching her so much, as she wasn't comfortable with it - yes, that was the worst scenario I had, and that ain't so bad! That's merely a girl expressing that she is not comfortable with you doing so much touching and just letting you know you gotta slow down. Girls are almost always super nice about these things; be it with rejections or telling you to slow down. So you have nothing to worry about.

Here's the thing though, even with you reading what I just wrote, of how girls aren't going to cause a massive scene if you start touching her...you're not gonna believe it on a deeper level. That's because your current belief, deeply ingrained in your subconscious mind and wrapped around your ego, is holding you back and telling you that it is a bad thing to be touching a girl. When you're with a girl, this bad belief of yours is going to present itself by making you feel nervous or plain intimidated about touching a girl - you MUST push past this! It is the ONLY way you will ever change this belief of yours, I promise you there is no other way. You must challenge this fear of yours and do it regardless of feeling super nervous. When I first began, I was petrified at times; I'd start thinking "I know I should do it, but what is she gonna think...... oh no, now I'm thinking so much about it, so if I touch her now it's gonna come off weird and she's gonna sense that, and she's gonna tell me I'm being really creepy and she's gonna leave me here with all the people staring and laughing at me...", and you know what? I did it anyhow and sure, sometimes, it did come off a bit weird. But the girl never freaked out about it, and gradually I became more and more comfortable with it for every time I practised this stuff, and you will too.

A quote that helped me tremendously whenever I was being apprehensive of touching a girl, I'd recite the following in my mind:

"Blow me, or blow me out." - Brad P

Either the girl is going to be totally into it and really like me, or she's going to blow me out and leave. Either scenario is good. Don't be afraid of losing the girl, if she leaves she wasn't meant to be with you anyhow. If she stays there with you even after you're touching her, you're golden! She wants you to continue what it is you're doing. Like I said, there'll be times when the girl verbalises discomfort about your touching, and that is fine, just try again 5-10 mins later when she's more comfortable with you."

If you're interested in reading the full blog post, check it out here: http://socialmasteryrb.blogspot.co.uk/2015/07/how-touching-gets-you-laid.html?m=1

ImJustSo · 2015-12-29T19:55:41+00:00

My one tip is to touch everybody. Lol Touch men, touch women, etc. Everybody that likes you usually likes it. For men, just a squeeze on their shoulder, extra hand shakes, etc feel nice. For women, same thing, even if it's not sexual touches, people like being touched. This makes it a lot easier to initiate the sexual touches later.

Edited: cuz I wasn't finished.

WhosCountin · 2015-12-29T20:27:05+00:00

I dunno about all of these complicated comments, but in my case it was just a willingness to crash and burn. I forced myself to escalate ROUGHLY following the escalation ladder, and realized that it almost never failed.

As for those saying pick up on social cues to distinguish between friendliness and sexual interest, I say forget that. If you're anxious about this stuff, you'll always assume the worst unless a girl is throwing herself at you. In my case, every situation where I escalated and ended the night with sex started off feeling like it totally wouldn't work. Hell, I ended up with a fuckbuddy who responded to booty calls for months out of a situation where I thought the girl didn't even like me remotely at the beginning of the night. Once you see how well this shit works, it gets much easier.

So just force yourself. Act like its brushing your teeth - you just have to do it. So what if you come off as a creep, it's a lost cause anyway in that case and you can move on to someone more receptive. "Fake it til you make it" gets a bad rep sometimes, but that and lifting were the only real tools that changed my sex life completely.

Gman54 · 2015-12-29T22:05:09+00:00

Update comment: Wow, I never thought this will make it to the "hot" section, even for a short while.

I also want to add that like I said, the more basic stuff I am already getting better at. Asking girls out isn't a huge deal for me anymore and I always aim for a mindset of just having fun and enjoying the process. But like I wrote earlier I still lack a lot in the physical contact department, even though that in the dance scene I find myself touching almost without a problem, sometimes more intimate areas like the neck, hips and even abdomen area. When it's in the dance, I feel empowered and it's not the hard for me. But outside of a dance, I find it difficult sometimes to just even do a little high five.... it's really weird.

forbinsdecline · 2015-12-29T23:21:24+00:00

You need to really get it into your head that a girl will respect you way more for trying to escalate and getting shot down, than not ever trying. Getting denied is WAY worse than not even going for it.

Success > Denial > Too Afraid to Try

fishinmagician · 2015-12-29T17:13:52+00:00

A little confidence goes a long way.

apharickine · 2015-12-29T19:34:52+00:00

xanax

Title	Tips for getting over fear of escalating things physically
Author	Gman54
Upvotes	74
Comments	35
Date	December 29, 2015 5:09 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/seduction
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/seduction/comments/3yo90o/tips_for_getting_over_fear_of_escalating_things/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/seduction/tips-for-getting-over-fear-of-escalating-things.1399839 https://theredarchive.com/post/1399839

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