I stock shelves for work so I'm able to listen to YouTube for the first four hours of my day. I almost exclusively listen to psychology, philosophy, and self help. Today hit me harder for some reason. I walked away feeling like I just had an intense session with a psychiatrist.

My mind always goes back to her/us. If I'm not thinking about what we could have did differently, I'm thinking about what we've lost, or what could be. I have moments where I think about children who never existed, I think about reconciling fourty years later watching the sunrise on a beach as lost lovers who found eachother after drifting apart, I think about the profound ideas I want her to understand.

There's an upbeat Mexican girl at work who I've thought is super cute from day one. I know nothing will ever happen between us because she just bought a house and is getting married but she distracts me for sixty seconds and I think about the implications. I still love my wife and want my wife during these moments but I I'm attracted to how low in neuroticism this woman is compared to my wife. I think about why I hurt a little less in those moments and I think it's hope that there is a future with a wife, children, humility, and gratitude. But still, it's been a year and I still wear this ring everyday. I still love and want my wife. It still hurts everytime she walks away to get in her car.

My wife comes over a couple times a week to visit the dogs but mostly we talk about our day and what's new. Sometimes we have bad interactions and sometimes like today it feels like old times and I'm making her bust up laughing over and over. It hurts... I feel like part of my soul is torn away. We aren't perfect people but we had eachother, till death. Now what do we have...