What to do with unwanted male friend attention

pieorstrudel5 · 2024-07-09T19:04:46+00:00

"Hey! It's so great to hear from you. Just to be transparent, I am now engaged to be married. Happy to talk with you as friends, but anything else would be disrespectful to my fiance."

Give it to him straight. Boundaries are meant to help keep people in your life. If they can't respect them, they can see themselves out.

youllknowwhenitstime · 2024-07-09T19:42:01+00:00

That's a long-term orbiter, not a friend.

My husband calls them "weasels."

You text with a, "Wow, it's been a long time. I'm super busy right now and really can't talk these days. A lot happened for me! I live in X with my fiance now, still working at Y though. Hope your life is going well too!" or whatever is accurate and include a photo of you with your fiance.

He'll have a lot to deal with but the photo will break the mental image he has of you as single.

PsychoticNurse · 2024-07-09T19:08:16+00:00

Do you value this friendship more or your soon to be marriage more? You're gonna have to be direct and cut this friendship for the sake of your fiance. How would you feel if he had a female friend like this? You should have told him right away that you're engaged. If he was truly your plutonic friend, he would respect that and either back off, or be ok with just being friends with you.

This guy tried to treat you like a fling and now is coming back because he thinks you're still single. You need to put a stop to it now, before it causes serious problems in your relationship. Does your fiance know about this "friend"?

This is why I always say men and women cannot be friends. No one should come before the person you're going to marry. For me, it would be a very easy decision. No friendship is worth my marriage.

meltilen · 2024-07-09T19:35:33+00:00

I can totally understand the woman approach to "15 years of friendship" but men don't see opposite sex friendships as we do, he already put your friendship in jeopardy when he tried to have sex with you. Be very clear about your disinterest in him and your current relationship status, I don't think that he is reaching out to you after 2 years just for the sake of friendship, you'd see he'd be the one who is cutting you off completely after you make clear that you are not on the market anymore.

FriendCountZero · 2024-07-09T19:34:09+00:00

Plenty of good advice here. I just want to spell out for you, because it can be hard to accept especially for extremely nice people as you seem to be, that you DO NOT owe this guy ANYTHING just because you have been friends for a long time. You don't owe him an apology, you don't owe him an explanation, nothing. You do owe your fiance the respect of being direct and forward with your friend but as for the friend, time spent in your life does not create a debt to him.

Independent-Story883 · 2024-07-09T23:49:16+00:00

I echo many of the feelings here. Would like to add, I do think it is possible for mature adults of opposite genders to be friends. However you both have crossed that platonic friendship line, So….

This is a disclosure worthy conversation to have with fiancee. Create a strong marriage based on trust let fiancee know about him early. If he is smart, I'm sure he has his suspicions. If you have not already done so, tell fiance immediately.

Out of respect to your fiance, I would err on the side of caution and end this friendship. A true friend would not be hurt. He will understand that his existence poses a problem and he will discontinue contact at your wishes and not question your motives. If he begs to stay in contact with you that would make him a weasel and messy. He knows the second you have problems in your young marriage, trust me you will, you will be running over to his open arms. Don't do it.

Stand firm. Last min displays of love are for opera finales and romantic comedy scenes. In real life the men who do this are not marriage material. Do not open your heart to this. Do not damage a marriage or hurt a good man by doing this. Don't do it.

emerald_e · 2024-07-09T21:41:32+00:00

I don't personally believe that men and women can be friends and even if I did, I'd have cut him off after the behaviour you described.

I also don't believe partners are ever really comfortable with their SO having "friends" of the opposite sex. I don't see why you would risk creating tension in your relationship with your fiancé for the sake of sparing this boy's feelings.

theodorelogan0735 · 2024-07-09T19:33:43+00:00

A friend wouldn't have left you in the lurch and tried to use you for sex like that.

Hey no hate for him shooting his shot. But he made it clear that he was just interested in sex and nothing else. Not much of a friend if you ask me.

AutoModerator · 2024-07-09T18:52:25+00:00

Title: What to do with unwanted male friend attention

Author Icelady12

Full text: I (28F) have a friend (31M) who we've been friends with for over 15 years. We've always flirted when we were teenagers and I've even had a crush on him for a long time. However we lived in different countries so we never ended up trying a relationship. He constantly expressed how he thought I was a great girl and any guy would be lucky to date me.

However, when the opportunity did finally arise for us to spend a significant amount of time together 3 years ago (I was visiting his country again), we ended up kissing and having a very romantic time but when I brought the "so where is this going conversation" he was uncomfortable. I know he said he "hated lo my distance relationships" but his coldness after we had kissed very passionately (it was clear he was also trying to get it to lead to sex, which I stopped) really put me off. He was very "casual" and wouldn't really answer my questions about what was going on between us. This actually made me extremely sad at the time and I realized that someone who truly was right for me wouldn't put me in such emotional distress.

A few months later I met my now-fiancé and we are extremely happy together. He's the perfect guy for me. This male friend (described above) has been reaching out because he wants to "talk" on the phone and since we hadn't talked in a while, he doesn't know that we are engaged. He's still single as far as I know. Often when he we talked prior to me dating my then-boyfriend/now fiancé, he would be very flirty etc.

Since we've been friends for 15+ years (at least before the weird way he behaved after we had made out 3 years years ago) I don't want to cut him off completely. But since he seems very adamant about us "talking" (in a very hopeful/solemn manner), how do I break it to him that I'm engaged and he has missed the boat? I also feel uncomfortable with talking to him because the last time we talked was almost 2 years ago when I was in the early stages of dating my now-fiancé, and he was still weirdly flirty despite having refused to pursue anything with me.

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spotH3D · 2024-07-10T05:02:23+00:00

It's fine to downgrade the friendship or completely move on. Don't over think it.

Life is easier when you realize you can't have it all and make a firm choice instead of trying to juggle competing interests.

And let's be clear, one guy is your fiancee, and the other is a guy who went cold on you after you rejected him trying to fuck you. Which is more important?

"But we were friends for 15 years." Be smarter than that.

Just fade out.

caelum52 · 2024-07-09T20:49:32+00:00

If I was your partner I’d be hesitant to continue things further with you, if we’re to be married and you’re giving this guy who you used to have feelings for, any time of day when it was clear he just wanted you for sex, I’d potentially call it off. Block him, it seems like you don’t really respect your man

Title	What to do with unwanted male friend attention
Author	Icelady12
Upvotes	0
Comments	32
Date	July 9, 2024 6:52 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/1dzaajb/what_to_do_with_unwanted_male_friend_attention/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/what-to-do-with-unwanted-male-friend-attention.1523742 https://theredarchive.com/post/1523742

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