When did you guys find your purpose/hobbies?

BlueHarvest17 · 2025-02-05T01:55:47+00:00

I'll be honest, a lot of days I "fake it till I make it." I do things I think I should be doing even when they seem empty and hollow. Because they don't always feel empty and hollow, and they feel less fake bit by bit. I learned to ski. I took up rollerblading. I cook more. I'm starting a small company. I try to reach out to new people. It all helps.

One rule I have is....TRY EVERYTHING. If I even think I might like something, I force myself to do it. Because having NEW experiences really, really helps.

I would highly, highly, highly recommend going to the gym and lifting weights of some sort. The walking and hiking is great, but the natural endorphins you get from difficult physical exercise is amazing. And I used to hate going to the gym. Really, do resistance training of some kind. It's a game changer.

You can also try meditating. Even 5 minutes a day can help.

And, for anxiety, google "deep breathing exercises" and try it. It can calm you quickly.

This sucks, but you're 29 and you'll be fine. I'm doing this at 58 and I'll get through it. It helps that I have a 9-year-old daughter who is amazing and who I love spending time wtih.

aquatic-dreams · 2025-02-04T06:39:33+00:00

You're bored. You're lonely. And you likely are craving validation. I reccomend getting a couple cats the have some fuzzy lunatics around to take care of and hang out with. Whether you do that or not... you need more people in your life. Take an art class, join a gym, and a book club, look at meetups for groups you're interested in, and find out if they are something you could enjoy for a while or if it's a go once and call it good. That emptiness you are feeling more than likely is a combination of loneliness, lack of validation, and lack of direction. What you focus on thrives and what you neglect dies, so make a concious effort to focus on the things you find important. And neglect the things that don't really matter, like the past, let it die. The less you think about it, the easier it is to let go.

Speaking of feelings. Your feelings come from within you. Which also means, you can control them. The easiest way is to pay attention to your body. If you start feeling anxious, your body physically tenses up. Stop, scan your body. Where are you tense? Sit with that feeling for a minute or two. Feel the anxiety inside you, don't fight it, accept it, you can even say hi to the anxiety and ask it what it is trying to tell you. After that, focus on where your body is tight. And picture in your mind that tension being worked out and freed. Focus feeling that tense body part loosen up. And picture the underlying knot floating away from you. And now focus your thoughts on something positive, i like to focus on things I am grateful for, and move on with your day. Your anxiety will either be gone or a way less intense. If your brain is going off and it's a negative shit storm, unless you've spent a lot of time meditating, you aren't going to be able to just make it stop. But you can talk to that part of your brain. And you can call it out, tell it 'that's bullshit and you know it. ' call that shit out. And while you can't just stop it without practicing. You can tell that voice, 'I don't have the time for that right now. We can discuss (whatever it is) later. But I need to focus on ..... right now. " and focus on whatever it is you need to focus on. After you do that a couple times, one of my favorite things starts working. When that voice is being a fucking dick reply with, 'shhhhhh' a really quiet and drawn shhhhh, and it will shut the fuck up.

Go to the gym. Lift weights. Building physical strength helps build inner strength. Also, do what you are avoiding the most first. Get it over with before you can think about it and have it grow into some huge fucking ordeal. I've found, counting to five and then just jumping in works best for me.

As you do the things you want to avoid first, something morphs a bit. It's even better if you're hitting the gym. Our brains crave discomfort. Which is why if you stay in your comfort zone too long, your comfort zone shrinks. It's your brains way of trying to manufacture discomfort. It needs the stimulation, and that stimylation is one of the best ways to grow. So embrace discomfort, not with your ex, but in every other aspect of your life. It it's in the discomfort of not knowing that we learn. It's by facing discomfort we meet new people, go new places, have new adventures. Facing discomfort is living. Staying in comfort is getting more and more trapped in an ever shrinking life of anxiety and depression. The thing is the more discomfort you face, the stronger you become. That's how you grow your self worth. Your are proving to yourself over and over that you can handle new situations. And thar grows into, you thrive off of new situations, adventures and people. And that's when you start feeling more whole than you've felt in fucking years. That's when you know you are resilient. You understand you love people, but you don't need anyone's validation. Your good. And with that, especially if you've been hitting the gym this whole time, you'll notice that the world treats you differently. The world is a shutouts nicer and people are a lit friendlier. And life is better.

There's a small part of our brains that repeata shit it picked up from wherever, and it just spews the same shit. Each time it repeats, it updates the neural network that creates that thought to make it easier to repeat next time. And you end up feeling emotions off of whatever it is sending. Those aren't your thoughts. It's just a small part of your brain repeating shit you heard or learned elsewhere. And it's not even talking to you. It's talking to itself. You're just an observer. But more than likely, you never knew that. You never questioned those thoughts or called them out on their bullshit. It's that small part of your brain raising shit, and each time it does, the emotion you have attached to that thought gets a little stronger. It's why when you have a grudge against someone, even the tiniest things grow into epic proportions. It's because that emotion has cycles so many times it is no longer a snow flake, it rolled and rolled down the snow covered mountains until it wasn't just the size of a giant Boulder, no, it kept growing and growing i until it created an avalanch. And that avalanch of emotions only exists because your brain repeated the same shit, that many diving times. But affirmations can change the shit your brain repeats. So it will stay repeating shit you've chosen. Pay attention to that voice. Wtite down the negative shit it says. You wouldn't say that type if shit to anyone else, so why is it ok if its towards you? It's not. Take that list of negative phrases, hop on chat gpt and have it convert them to positive affirmations. Take the negativr phrase that you think has the biggest impact, and use its positive cousin as your affirmatiom. Write it on your mirror and while looking at yourself repeat the positive affirmation 5 times every morning and every night, and try to say it a few times during the day. After a few weeks you'll notice your brain no longer repeats the negative phrase and instead repeats the positive one. Keep it up for a week or two. Then move on to the negative phrase that now affects you the most and do the same.

And that's all it is. Accept that life is over there is no going back, and realistically in betting you wouldn't go back to that. Go to the gym. Whatever you want to avoid the most do first. Embrace discomfort and experience new things at least two times a week. Build your social network though meetups, book club, classes, being a regular somewhere. Use positive affirmations. You are probably touch starved, if so, get a massage.

You'll get through this. And down the road it will seem weird you struggled so much. But it's all a part of the process. You can't move on from your feelings without first actually sitting with and feeling them, accepting them for what they are. You can accept your feelings and sit with them, feel them, and still hate that you feel them, the important part is to not hide or run from them, stay calm, relax, and feel them. And then do a body scan and take care of what you find.

Don't worry too much about meds. More than likely they will give you script for somethimg like Lexipro, it is much less likely they would give you s script for chlonopin or xanax. And even if they do, if you follow your script and not increase dosage because the initial high is gone, you'll be fine. Take them until you feel you don't need them and move on. It's not a big deal if you decide it's not going to be one.

Then give yourself a giant fucking hug from me, and know you are going to be better than ok. Get back to taking care of your needs first and you'll be great.

twiggyRamirez11 · 2025-02-04T05:06:37+00:00

The main reason why I started taking meds was my baby girl, she was 7 weeks when my STBXW kicked me out of the house. I realized I needed to be 100% functioning to be able to be a great dad and to enjoy my life fully. Now after 2 years, I do kayaking and go to the gym 5 times a week. That makes wonders because you end up feeling more attractive and back in the game

Heavy_Guitar_4848 · 2025-02-04T04:02:03+00:00

1/2 hr on the elliptical every day helps burn the stress off. Other than that, progress towards my goals are my purpose.

painfulletdown · 2025-02-04T02:46:49+00:00

I think the horrible experience has helped me find my purpose. First and foremost I really appreciate my family and friends, and want to spend time with and take care of them. Second, I really want to teach people how to protect themselves and prevent them from making all the huge mistakes that I did.

landy_109 · 2025-02-04T02:39:35+00:00

I like fixing things. Land Rovers need constant fixing. I need to get my 101fc ambulance running, build a bed in it and travel a bit. The American woman that I chat with, she loves the look, loves the potential the vehicle has and wants to come with. It be fine, she can help tinker if she wants.

Vollen595 · 2025-02-04T02:31:59+00:00

About five months I realized my previous hobbies seemed almost painful and forced. It may sound weird but she seemed to strip the shine off of everything I once enjoyed. I like to cook (or did, even that was tainted) so I decided to try something far outside my comfort zone since the idea of it will no longer get shot down or ridiculed. I started distilling moonshine. Because why the hell not. It’s not even about drinking it, it’s about the detail and the art of it. My first batch kind of sucked but it was 124 proof. Ha. I’m aiming for 140 proof on the next batch I’m fermenting. You gotta have goals even if they are your goals only.

Acceptable_Piano4809 · 2025-02-04T01:17:19+00:00

It sucks sometimes, still working on it actually. I’m 28 months out. I find that there are times I get intensely pissed off, like today when my ex (we aren’t officially divorced) has her lawyer demanding more maintenance from me… I’m getting totally abused and and it will never be fair. Then I start to think about something else and these moments pass. They get less and less intense, but I don’t think I’ll ever forgive her or ever be the same, I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy. She took my entire future and entire blueprint for my life and changed it, and she never gave me a true full chance to start a family. It’s some deep shit that no one will ever be able to solve. I just want to get away from her completely (I haven’t seen her in over 2 years outside of court) and figure out what the hell to do with my life next.

Since I won’t be having kids anymore and won’t have a family, it doesn’t really seem all that important anymore. Basically I have no reason to make money other than my own comfort, and thing is, I have tons of money, more than I’ll ever need. So it’s strange and depressing, but at the same time would rather be in this position than broke. But let me tell you, having money is not nearly as big of a deal as you’d think. I personally would never pay anyone to do anything like sexual, or social (would never pay someone to be my friend) so it’s not nearly as exciting as you’d think it would be. But I think you might have to experience it for yourself to agree.

Title	When did you guys find your purpose/hobbies?
Author	aarongdl
Upvotes	12
Comments	16
Date	February 4, 2025 1:02 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1ih5i0m/when_did_you_guys_find_your_purposehobbies/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/when-did-you-guys-find-your-purposehobbies.1542877 https://theredarchive.com/post/1542877

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