Please weigh in thoughtfully.

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. Together for 21. Two preteens. I have had to make hard career concessions in the marriage as she wants to work. I have supported her the whole time we have been together. Today, I take care of 75- 80% of child rearing while working at home. I make about $190k. She makes $270K working a lot of overtime (i.e. not being at home, not going to the kids' events, helping out with homework, no pick ups or drop offs ). I have declined promotions as the work requires overseas travel. We pay bills 50-50.

I am perfectly fine for her to chase her career but I do believe that comes with a responsibility of planning ahead for the family, joint decisions.

Several months ago, I discovered that she had been gifting her divorced sisters and their children hundreds of thousands of dollars for one reason or another. My latest discovery is her gifting $90k to her sister so the latter can buy a house. She took out a $50k loan for this. Anytime I raise the issue of estate planning, kids' college funds, transparency etc. she gets defensive and makes life hell for the children and I.

I suspect there is a lot I don't know about her finances and liabilities she is incurring. Since there is no way to have an adult conversation, I am considering involving a family law attorney and just call it quits. We live in a really high cost state. A separation would undoubtedly be a blow to the children's standard of living (private school, housing etc.). The kids see mom and dad dont love each other and that I have to look the other way often to preserve the peace.