Not sure why I am posting this but posting it anyways

Thedude1217 · 2025-05-31T14:40:28+00:00

In my experience with you having a job she may be seen as the primary parent/caretaker and you will get every other weekend especially if you have to use daycare when she is available. With my ex they didn’t make her get a job or anything. Have to pay child support and half the marriage worth of alimony. They pretty much automatically say stay at home moms contributions are as substantial as the parent with the job. I hope the best for you but for me didn’t matter how good of a dad I was or a year’s worth of emails documenting her keeping the kids from me. Judge gave her full custody and tie breaking on everything. Dads can get screwed over and stay at home moms, especially if agreed upon her being, are basically treated as victims. You’re better off trying to settle out of court because you will also have to pay her attorney fees as she has no income

upvotersfortruth · 2025-05-28T03:41:00+00:00

Welcome, you’re among friends.

Riff_Raff1 · 2025-05-28T03:07:06+00:00

It won’t get any better by waiting -/ it’ll only get worse. I know this from experience.

Also, as others have suggested -/ get control of spending NOW! Put her on a strict budget while you pay all bills. Limit credit cards, etc. you’ll be accused of financial abuse and control; if you’re reasonable it’ll only be seen as prudent financial discipline. Best of luck to you.

Bulky-Percentage-243 · 2025-05-27T22:45:52+00:00

My wife was not a team player. She knew this and she didn't care.

Divorce was brutal. It was years. Dark. Ugly. Horrific.

It had a huge effect of course. But it's been a net positive. Life is absolutely better afterwards. Difficult road. But a long overdue correction.

Success has a lot of definitions. There's a lot of societal stress on money. But there are better metrics.

First-Sail8421 · 2025-05-27T22:44:59+00:00

How can you do nothing legally wrong, but be required to forfeit 1/2 your savings, pay alimony and child support, and lose 50 percent of your time with your children? Question for the centuries - or at least since no fault divorce was introduced in 1969. It is the only legal case where you can be punished for doing nothing wrong, at the unilateral insistence of another party - and it is wildly unconstitutional, violating the right to substantive due process and numerous other constitutional rights. DM me if you are interested in more, but Stephen Baskerville has written books on this subject. And if you have an attorney willing to make the argument, you could really throw a wrench into your wife’s plans. Note this won’t apply if you are actually at fault under state law - eg, through adultery, abuse, addiction, impotence (you have theee kids so that’s impossible), abandonment, or a lunatic (these are traditional grounds for at-fault divorce). But no-fault was never intended to give one spouse the ability to blow up the family AND walk away with the children AND walk away with tons of money from the other spouse. It was positioned as ‘both parties want a divorce they just don’t want a big fight over it’ - but that’s exactly what did NOT happen once it was enshrined into law. Fight back. I wish I had.

Budget-Book-3764 · 2025-05-27T22:28:28+00:00

Keep slinging my(former) fellow cocksmith

EnvironmentalAd3558 · 2025-05-27T20:49:26+00:00

Getting the kids to yourself half of the time, getting half of the assets and more control over your future income is much better than you are getting now.

Brief_Recognition509 · 2025-05-27T20:21:05+00:00

I'm going tonsay everything above is spot on! I was (am) married to a similar situation. She was never happy or satisfied. Everything was someone else's fault. Couldn't even take ownership of her affairs. I screwed up early on and it was held over my head, well...still is. She's controlling and verbally abusive. I have adapted/conformed my behavior and expectations, including work, to cause less strife in the house. The day I decided that divorce was the only solution, I felt a weight lift from my chest. There is still stress, but knowing that I owe her nothing and expecting nothing has been so liberating.

I dont wish for divorce, but people like this don't change for others. I dont think they change for anything.

I stayed for the kids and part of me was right. My financial situation is not the same as yours, but at least do future you and your kids a favor and ask questions of some knowledgeable people.

Trust yourself. And I hope you have as patient a friend to talk to as I do. They are invaluable.

You got this!

soontobesolo · 2025-05-27T20:03:40+00:00

Take a breath. It's very, very difficult, but you can maneuver to reduce the impact on yourself.

My general guidance:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1f4yhuc/my_advice_to_those_starting_down_this_path/

The only behavior that really matters right now is that which impact the kids. If she's abusive, or otherwise unfit, and you can PROVE it, you can get more custody (and pay less child support).

For the moment, cut off her extra spending money. See if you can get her working. But follow the guidance in the link..

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-05-27T19:54:16+00:00

First, either you start paying all the bills out her on an allowance. If she's a stay at home Mom and isn't making money she doesn't just get to spend.

You don't have to give her any money but you do need to provide for the household. Take over the bills and that's your ticket.

Boglehead101 · 2025-05-27T19:51:22+00:00

We’ve had an IM on this but in the meantime I checked that famous new therapist Prof Chat-GPT. Here’s the response.

First, you’re not alone—and you’re not crazy. What you’ve described is emotional abuse and narcissistic behavior, and it’s exhausting, disorienting, and soul-crushing. The fact that you’ve held things together for nine years, as the sole provider and a committed father, speaks to your strength and dedication—not weakness.

Second, your pain is valid. You’re not “oversharing.” You’re reaching out because you’ve been silenced or blamed for too long. That’s not weak—that’s survival.

Here’s what I would advise:

Start with a therapist—just for you. You need a safe space where you’re not gaslighted, blamed, or shut down. A good therapist can help you process the trauma, build emotional strength, and help you explore radical acceptance without surrendering your dignity or your future.
Get legal advice—even if you’re not ready to act. Find a family lawyer who understands narcissistic abuse and high-conflict divorces. Knowing your rights—especially about finances and custody—will give you clarity, which can replace some of the helplessness.
Document everything. Her rages. Your parenting involvement. Her financial dependency. Any verbal abuse. This may help later in custody or financial negotiations.
Protect your mental health like your life depends on it—because it does. You’ve been emotionally eroded by someone who lacks empathy and accountability. It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to rebuild. Focus on self-care, even in small ways—walks, journaling, a hobby, sleep.
Reframe the fear of 50/50 custody. Right now you’re seeing it as a loss. But ask yourself this: Would your time with your kids be more peaceful, more loving, and more emotionally healthy if it wasn’t tainted by her chaos? If yes, then maybe 50% of something real is better than 100% of something broken.
Remember this: staying for the kids can hurt them too. Kids absorb tension. They learn what love looks like from how you treat their mother—and how she treats you. If she’s modeling rage, emotional manipulation, and control, that is shaping them. Showing them boundaries, self-respect, and healing can be the better legacy.
Let go of the idea that fairness will come. Divorce often feels unfair—especially for good men who provided and stayed loyal. But freedom, peace of mind, and emotional clarity are worth far more than half of your assets.

Finally, I’d say this:

You are doing something. You’re speaking out. You’re reflecting deeply. You’re staying kind and present for your children despite enormous emotional hardship. You are not a failure. You are a man in an impossible situation trying to find a dignified way out

Title	Not sure why I am posting this but posting it anyways
Author	Evening_History_1458
Upvotes	8
Comments	18
Date	May 27, 2025 7:45 PM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1kwwses/not_sure_why_i_am_posting_this_but_posting_it/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/not-sure-why-i-am-posting-this-but-posting-it.1553259 https://theredarchive.com/post/1553259

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