How do you get your confidence back?

MistakeIndependent12 · 2025-06-22T22:23:46+00:00

What I found was that fully committing myself to my mental and physical health was the way out.

My ex said some incredibly hurtful things about my manhood, my performance, my identity. Even though I knew they weren’t true, they still took root. That stuff gets in your head.

I went from being slightly pudgy to getting back to my high school weight, looking good in a form-fitting shirt, and putting real time into therapy. But the biggest breakthrough was this: even though I started therapy because of the pain of my divorce, I realized I had to deal with me. There were things about myself I hadn’t faced. The real healing didn’t come from just processing the divorce. It came from finally looking in the mirror and doing the work on who I wanted to be.

It was the best decision I ever made. It opened the door to some very healthy relationships afterward.

Stay with it. You can absolutely rebuild.

Confident-Crawdad · 2025-06-21T23:26:04+00:00

The thing that's helped me the most is realizing no mortal man could ever, ever be what she thinks she needs and/or deserves. That man doesn't exist. Neither Mr Rogers nor Jesus himself could make her happy.

justanotherfelo · 2025-06-21T19:57:50+00:00

Dude, the whole idea of validation is still sitting on your back and running your life. You’re either free or you’re not, and if you’re becoming free, then stop looking to anyone to validate you. Not your girl, not your boss, not your family, and definitely not your ex-wife.

The entire idea of “performing” ,in bed, in life, whatever - is a lie. Get it out of your system. You’re not here to perform. You’re here to live from truth.

Also, be careful. Some therapists, especially ones who don’t understand male trauma, can actually make it worse. If you feel like you’re being treated like a broken simp, and not a man recovering from betrayal, walk away.

JimmyKrankiesHat · 2025-06-21T09:23:56+00:00

For me, 2.5 years into separation, the confidence (or lack of) seems to come in waves, and I see that happen as my previous mental programming (from being with my ex) slowly breaks down- kind of periods where I'm feeling lost vs periods where I'm feeling together. My ex was also critical - all our problems were always 'down to me' and she never felt she needed to change ya know? and so I still have had those reflexes as I've dated over the past 2 years. I've no easy answers for ya- we're all on our own healing journey - but a couple of things I found were significant for me were

- I changed my attitude to dating and decided I'd make it more 'light touch'. I learned to stand up for my own values/needs more, learned how to break up with women who weren't for me, just got kinda braver with the whole thing. Basically approaching with an open heart and a thick skin. Sounds a bit transactional but I used dating to learn more about myself, rather than feel like every women was potentially 'the one' that i needed to stick with. I came out feeling more resilient and confident and have now been dating someone for a few months who *does* feel like a good match without me feeling like I'm comrpomising myself or my own values. It puts me in control of my own destiny to an extent. Remember - your girlfriends history is *history* - that is, she didn't want to date those people any more. Maybe that can give you some perspective that she doesn't prefer them- she prefers you!

-I know it's a cliche (maybe for a reason) and that we've heard it so many times before but my baseline activity that is for myself is strength training and lifting. It's just such a positive activity for all manner of reasons - personal challenge, better body image, better mental health all round - at least for me. I train in group PT so I now have my 'gymbros' that I tend to train with and its all so supportive and positive. A real community of people that support you. I'm sure there's hormonal benefits and al the rest but I don't know anything about that, I just know it brings more confidence for me personally when I feel more in shape when I get my kit off!

Go steady my dude, time is a healer too.

Nefarious_Villan · 2025-06-21T01:51:10+00:00

Get your T levels checked

Business_Guava3329 · 2025-06-21T00:25:22+00:00

I've been there, brother (including the dip in performance due to anxiety/depression/lack of quality sleep).

Recommend distance from her, making new memories, developing yourself (eating healthier, exercise), time with friends, time with new hobbies to give you a sense of accomplishment, and not checking up on what she's doing/comparing yourself.

Leave social media for a while.

ElFrijole · 2025-06-20T20:52:40+00:00

Hey Man

had the same issue as you my ex did the same to me and it was defeating get your self a sub to bluchew or another product like that. It helped me build my confidence to the point where i didn't need them anymore. Granted i still pop one once in awhile to have a little extra fun. follow these steps and you will be putting in work like a 16 year old again . Good Luck my dms are always open

Expert-Raccoon6097 · 2025-06-20T19:35:32+00:00

Anxiety is your body telling your brain to wake the fuck up as something is not right.

There are no shortcuts. Get divorced, take a season of singleness to heal and rebuild, and go hit the gym and get jacked and shredded.

biscuts99 · 2025-06-20T11:32:34+00:00

Find a woman that actually loves you for you

Able_Buy_7859 · 2025-06-20T11:05:51+00:00

I hear you, brother, and it's all connected. It takes so long to undo the damage these women create. You gotta start back at the beginning. You got to reclaim your power and this won't be through sexual conquests. These are going to the gym, finding new hobbies, reestablishing or even re-creating who you are. This is how you get your power back. It will take as long as it takes.

sludgepress · 2025-06-20T04:51:38+00:00

What exactly do you mean by you feel defeated by any hint of your girlfriend’s history that sounds better than you? Are you talking about her life in general? are you talking about her relationship history? What exactly do you mean by all that?

Title	How do you get your confidence back?
Author	twayevrynmeistkn
Upvotes	12
Comments	20
Date	June 20, 2025 4:37 AM UTC (1 year ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1lfv7or/how_do_you_get_your_confidence_back/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-do-you-get-your-confidence-back.1555055 https://theredarchive.com/post/1555055

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