How did the conversation start?

Additional_Mail_8887 · 2025-08-23T15:48:46+00:00

In therapy, post-birth…she wouldn’t apologize for driving across the country with my unborn baby and threatening to raise her there with her extended family.

Humble-Grape-5201 · 2025-08-23T11:46:59+00:00

Well, she'd tell you it was all of a sudden, but it came after 7 months of marriage counseling and me telling her twice that if things didn't improve, divorce was on the table.

My jurisdiction has several mandatory TROs that go into effect on the filer immediately, but don't go into effect on for the other party until they're served. So there's this time period where the person who filed can't move any money around or cancel insurance or anything like that, but the other person can because they haven't been served yet. A good friend of mine told his wife he was filing, and when he went to the courthouse she went to a new housing development and bought "them" a house and avoided being served until she closed 14 days later. He had to pay that new mortgage while they were going through the divorce.

So after I filed I had a process server scheduled to come to the house on a morning where we were both home and the kids were at school. About 15 minutes before he got there, I sat down with her at the kitchen table and told her that we'd failed to rescue the marriage, neither of us is happy, and it was time to bring things to a close.

I guess she thought this was me telling her for a third time that if things didn't change I was leaving, because her first reaction was that we hadn't been working on it long enough to fix it...and then that I had not been working on fixing it at all.

One of the things I was told was that this was not the time to defend yourself because the other party is probably going to be angry about it. I probably slipped up once or twice but the vast majority of the things she said to me I just kind of let slide by without argument.

I had printed out a copy of the filing and slid it over to her, which is when she realized that I was really done. She instantly went from "You just need to work harder and we'll be fine" to "oh, I guess we're done, then." The process server showed up about 2 minutes later and the next 6 hours was me braindumping to her what I'd learned about the process, with her just repeatedly asking "and what else?" after each topic. (Later, she said I "monologued the entire day" and "didn't give her a chance to speak" even though I was doing exactly what she asked me to do).

She never, at any point, expressed any desire to save the marriage by doing something herself.

Now some other things that I did to prepare for her completely losing her shit, maybe even calling the cops to get me removed from the home or filing a fake DV claim:

- I moved all the guns to a friend's house so she couldn't claim that I'd waved a gun at her.

- I arranged to stay with that same friend temporarily in case she did call the cops

- I came up with a plan for longer-term housing arrangements

- I set up three different recording devices, two video and one audio, to record the interaction. One of the cameras streamed to an offsite server so I could be guaranteed at least one copy.

I ended up not needing any of those things because in the end, she wanted the divorce more than I did. Our marriage counselor told me that was likely the case because she was making all these demands of me and when I'd meet them she'd just move the goalposts and call it a good start. (See above where she said I didn't do enough)

Sure enough he was right.

ForQueenandCountry82 · 2025-08-23T06:38:45+00:00

I was walking through my house on one of the few days off work I ever got. She started screaming at me about something minor which I can't even remember what it was, she followed that up by following me through the house telling me how much she hated me and wished I'd get out of her life( this happened several times each week). I calmly turned around and told her that she wins, I'm done. She continued to try to convince me to stay with her right up to the divorce but I was done.

Comfortable-Angle660 · 2025-08-23T03:06:06+00:00

Never confront her in my opinion, always have her served, or you rush her filing false allegations to get the upper hand.

jimsmythee · 2025-08-23T02:11:34+00:00

It was a few years ago. It was Early January. We were both in the kitchen. She was just bitching and bitching at me, that everything I was doing? Wasn't good enough.

She needed a car, but she had totaled her previous 2 cars in great big DUI crashes (pills). I wasn't letting her drive my car because the insurance company said, "Either you put her down as an excluded driver, or we are dropping your policy." So I added her as an excluded driver.

She refused to work because she was "too sick to work" and taking care of the kids was her job. Wrong, getting more and more pills was her job. So she was telling me I needed to get a second job.

And I just looked at her and said, "I have given up trying. I don't want to do this anymore." She asked me if I was serious. I told her, "I don't want to be financially responsible for you and your disasters anymore."

We were already doing the separate bedrooms thing, so nothing really changed. Not until she got pinched on a felony DUI from the previous crash because the kids were in the car when she crashed. Once she took the DUI conviction and got out of jail? I filed for divorce.

ComplexDetective2770 · 2025-08-23T01:47:00+00:00

She had berated me and verbally attacked me for asking for basic considerations in the house - closing the door so the end of the house where I basically lived (due to snoring) wasn't a freezer.

I told her that I wasn't happy, and I needed to think. I resisted falling into the cycle of apologising to try to re-establish peace, and sacrificing/diminishing myself and my needs/wants. I was willing to meet her halfway, but I decided to stop overcompensating.

We went on a (pre-booked) family holiday about 4 weeks later. We slept separately, managed the kids, etc. On the first day she challenged me to talk about it. I refused, saying it wasn't the right place, and that we'd talk back home.

We got home. She wanted to book another family holiday an hour away. I told her I wasn't going.

Then I said "We should probably have that talk. I'm not happy. I don't think I can make you happy. We need to divorce."

She was upset. She said "So we're not going to try and fix it?" not realising I have spent years trying to fix it, and failing. And we had a couples counselor who helped, but it fixed the symptoms - not the cause.

By the time I was certain enough to tell her, I was certain it was beyond repair. She cried. I had cried all my tears already over years of being hurt, blaming myself, and being the only one trying to fix our relationship.

I'm still in the same house until we can sort out settlement terms, as I can't pay the mortgage and rent my own place.

I think she's realised that I made the decision, but it's something she has wanted for years, she just couldn't admit it to herself or take definitive action.

My Counselor helped me think it through before The Big Talk. It helped. They also reminded me that there will never be a perfect time to tell them, just a "good enough" time.

And they were right. The worst part of tearing off the band aid is the anticipation of tearing it off. Once it's off, it stings, but that passes.

Similar-Guitar-6 · 2025-08-23T01:39:33+00:00

She had been acting cold, mean, and distant for a few weeks. I finally grew a pair and confronted her and asked her what's up? She quipped back that this is not the right tine to talk about it. I said there is no 'right time' to talk about this.

She because very angry and yelled We Are Seperated! Poof.

I'm learning to really enjoy being by myself with my pets. No drama, no emotional abuse. My life is better without her. I wish her the best on her journey.

NotYours25 · 2025-08-23T01:30:04+00:00

Her: “You might’ve married the wrong person, and I want you to know that”

Within 16 hours I was arrested and DVPO was in place.

Her Silver bullet strategy was executed with precision and the rest is history.

The collateral damage is generational.

defnotjaywtf · 2025-08-23T01:17:54+00:00

Go to rehab or a therapy clinic, or I’m leaving. I left.

Helpful-Paramedic463 · 2025-08-23T01:04:30+00:00

Day after Christmas she woke me up at night night and said she wanted a divorce. Mind you, we had never ever even said that or had had issues.

Come to find out she was having an affair with a convicted felon at her work.

Title	How did the conversation start?
Author	beenthere7777
Upvotes	6
Comments	18
Date	August 23, 2025 12:44 AM UTC (11 months ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1mxnkm1/how_did_the_conversation_start/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/how-did-the-conversation-start.1560239 https://theredarchive.com/post/1560239

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