What I have for you boys is a field report gone wrong. I held frame best I could in the moment and she seems eager to try again, but inside I’m badly shaken and in need of wisdom. This is probably going to be a long post. I’m sorry, please bear with me or skim as you wish.

I’m a 25 year old virgin. Like most fat nerdy guys, I learned how to be funny to survive socially, and I’ve learned to lie enough that people don’t question my bullshit. I’ve learned to talk the talk and copy elements of other people getting laid that the only people that know I’m still a virgin are my closest inner circle who’ve known me 10+ years, no one else even suspects.

Even before Covid, before the year started I decided to dedicate 2020 to self-improvement in all areas. I’d been depressed as fuck again, and decided that being a sad mopey bitch is boring. I’d turn myself around in every way, and in one year’s time either I’d forge a life worth staying around for, or I’d end it. So I started exercising, found a therapist for once, started studying TRP. And it’s been great. My health is improving, I’m getting more done, and I feel more like I did when I was a cocky invincible teenager on top of the fucking world.

Not just regaining old abilities, I started studying charisma and game. And people started taking notice. Girls around me started seeing me like as dorky goofball and more hilarious charmer. Rumors started flowing back to me that a couple found me cute, sexy even. Which was a huge shock, and a game changer, filling me with equal parts elation and dread.

I’ve had only two “girlfriends” in my life, one each in high school and college. Chicks that chased me, found me witty and charming, really into me, and I simped with my words, but I never kissed either one of them, until one left because she thought I didn’t care about her, the other got drunk and fucked her ex at a college party. My first kiss came from my only Tinder experience - a young single mother with extreme abuse issues that tried to rape me when I said I wasn’t ready to fuck her.

I know I have large emotional walls that won’t come down. A lot of neglect in my childhood left me an island of one. Even as the clear central hub and leader of my friend group who I spend time with often and love dearly, I identify as a loner in my own mind. I’m more comfortable in conflict than cooperation. I’m intelligent and well skilled in my spheres of knowledge, naturally dominant, but with emotional matters and women, I’ve always been a stone wall or a sappy simp. In short, I’m a fighter, not a lover.

So, back to the present. A couple months back I wrote a post “How Not To Cockblock My Boy?” It talked about my coworker falling for a new girl at work. He is an extreme case of simp, admits his virginity unlike me, and really wanted this chick. When I tried to set them up though, I thought I noticed IOI’s headed my way and not his. As it would turn out, I was right on the money. She wanted me the whole time. Eventually, I stopped meddling, as you guys and many others convinced me. He crashed and burned on his own, as I now see was inevitable. He just wasn’t ready.

She stopped being on my radar when I was trying to hook them up. I continue getting my shit together, start deep cleaning my house, bought a new bed, looked to get rid of the old mattress, which she said her sister could use. She kept staring at my arms as I'm loading this queen mattress into this van by myself, so on a hunch, I text her later that day. "You don't only have to hit me up on business, you know." Later clarified, "We're both adults with an itch to scratch, and that can happen without putting on a show for coworkers."

A week later, I'm making out on her couch. It's simple, it's comfortable. No games or bullshit. And I've been reading RP theory to up my technique, take control, so on. She starts talking about how much she was into me the whole time. Every joke I said to boost him up just made her want me more, so on so forth. She started talking about that she was afraid to take his virginity. Started going on and on about how someone's first time should be special, it's unforgettable and as she's talking, I'm maintaining outer frame but inside I'm freaking out. I was rock hard and physically ready, but I wimped out. Jokingly told her that if I fucked her tonight she'd think I'm a whore, and that she'll have to put in extra effort for Prince Charming. Started grabbing my junk and straddling me, but I pulled her off me and said she'd have to try harder. Kept control even as I turned it down, but made it clear I was eager for round two. She was surprised that I was the only guy that wasn't begging her for pussy, but there it is.

Next week, similar situation. I've amped myself up, as we're escalating she says she can't fuck on her period due to medical issues tightening her up so much it becomes painful to try anything. Of course, I have no idea whether that sounds real or fake, but I make it clear I don't mind (inside I'm relieved) but that she owes me next time. I tell her that while we wait for round three she's not allowed to touch herself, I'm the only one allowed to get her off and she agrees. It's a long week for both of us. I go to my boy's bachelor party and get stripper tits in my face, I'm texting her sexy shit and just building that tension to ungodly levels for this next meeting when we both know we're gonna have sex. I hope and assume the more I build up the anticipation, she easier it will be to make her explode.

That was last night. Everything was great. Knocked out a lot of firsts. Tore off her bra, sucked on her tit while I fingered her to climax. She said "No, I'm almost there, I want you to fuck me." But I wasn't hard yet, so I told her she was going to cum for me right now and she couldn't stop me if she tried. Afterwards, she tried fondling me, wouldn’t come up. I told her obviously she had to suck it if she wants it. She did, and I was up, but as we got into position down I went. This happened one more time before I started laughing at the situation. She called me out for being nervous, my body was shaking a bit. I played it off, but finally admitted a half-truth that after what the last two ladies did to me, my dick doesn’t trust easy anymore.

She was unfazed, saying we’d try again next time, making out some more before grabbing a bite to eat and leaving her. She’s eager for another round, and I’m eager for redemption, but I don’t know that I won’t just be repeating myself. I caught myself in the feedback loop of failure to rise causing stress which caused failure to rise, but I don’t know how to stop it.

I should feel proud, I guess. Gamed well, got her juices all over me, and got my knob slobbed. All of it felt amazing in the moment. But as usual, without a perfect showing I’m still self-conscious and mad with myself.

I guess what I’m asking is, where do I go from here? How do I stop feeling like shit about this and prevent a repeat performance?