Why are vacations a minefield?

abdada · 2016-05-18T16:53:32+00:00

In my experience, women are addicted more to the excitement stage than the actual stage. Why do you think the #1 way to get a woman to waste time on something is to engage her FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) mode?

Plan vacations without disclosing the plans. Don't encourage excitement towards the vacation, before it ever happens.

As my father taught me 35 years ago: "chicks dig buying purses, chicks don't dig owning purses."

Tonylarson96 · 2016-05-18T17:13:35+00:00

Vacations are a minefield also because couples are often stuck together, often exclusively, for long periods of time--in a car, a plane, a hotel room, a restaurant, an activity, an event, a destination, etc. She gets your attention all the time; it's hard to get away from her, to disengage and create any scarcity/dread for her.

sexyshoulderdevil · 2016-05-18T17:51:19+00:00

My theory: Vacations are effectively a full life packed into compressed time. There's a beginning and end with all the fun events packed in between. It's a miniaturized test run of if you definitively "got this..." Your wife's lizard brain is on high alert: "Can he lead the family in fun filled events successfully for JUST one week? Uh oh...he can't....fuck fuck fuck...did I just pick a life long loser? Is this confirmation? He better turn this around pronto..."

Shubrook · 2016-05-18T21:38:19+00:00

My thoughts:.

Unrealistic expectations.before you go, you imagine the place and the trip, and it will be different, and sometimes disappointing.
Different fitness levels. As an anecdote, I took my woman to glacier national park. At the end of the day, I wanted to go see the hidden lake, about a 2 mile hike uphill. I was hurrying because it was dark, and my woman couldn't keep up. She got tired and threw a tantrum. I eventually pressed on without her, but I pushed her too hard to physically keep up.
Poor communication - in everyday life, your decisions as captain are really fucking mundane. Tacos or sushi, who the fuck cares? But when you have 3 days in a place you've never been before, your woman might have something she really wants to do, and it might he hard for her to tell the difference between normal captain decisions and things you really want to do yourself.
Reality will fuck your plans. When you travel, there are so many things that can go wrong and make you look weak. You can get lost, miss a ferry, get ripped off etc.

My last vacation with the woman was better because I did a few things:.

I told her beforehand how her shitty attitude on previous trips had ruined it for me. She put in an effort not to bitch.
I was careful not to physically exhaust her. A couple of days, I wore uncomfortable shoes so that I would wear out at the same rate as her.
We weren't actually joined at the hip. A few times, I went off to do my own thing. She promptly got lost every time and I got to play hero/ rum dread, too, which was nice.

Countpudyoola · 2016-05-18T18:30:37+00:00

You're a captive audience.
Forced mundane interaction. (the long drive or plane ride)
The need to equate emotional experience with vacation.
Established vacation patterns of interaction.

You have to start getting crafty, things I'm starting to integrate:

1) Have audio books/ podcasts ready for long drives. Also verbal games/time passers to keep you from getting sucked into "important" conversations.

2) And just be ready for the inevitable captive conversations with AMPLE fogging, AA, etc. Be prepared to be a rock of non-emotion when she gets bored and tries to fish emotional interplay.

3) When ON vacation have a prepped area you can retreat to, or be gone from. O.I. is not impossible , just sometimes more tricky.

4) Also make sure just because you're going to a "vacation" place that you actually have shit to do once you get there. Nothing worse (for you and shit-tests) than getting to that cabin in the woods and realizing...."OK , now what?" Whoops.

2016-05-18T20:42:22+00:00

Random thing I've not seen yet: Schedule it away from PMS and her period as much as possible. Otherwise, you're starting out going against the grain.

il-est-ressuscite · 2016-05-18T19:11:16+00:00

Expectations. She may expect things to happen a certain way and when that "way" fails to materialize, stress, complaints, etc... Life be like that. (For example, you are going hiking in the Sierra Nevada, she pictures the trees, the views, the flowers, the meadows, the waterfalls, but not the bear you happen upon or the flies, or how fucking hot it is that day, the German tourists, or the whatever else that fucks up the "picture.")

Personally I don't care for big surprises so I wouldn't plan anything other than a weekend getaway as a surprise trip.

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-05-18T17:03:56+00:00

Negative, I just got back from a vacation and shit ran flawless. It rained and was cold, you know what I did, I had a fucking plan and prepared for the shit I saw coming.

Kids, wife, all of it - I planned and took care of them and I knocked my PT out so I had this shit running without my direct supervision at times.

Why did this work? Because my wife was onboard and not fighting my every decision. How did I reach that point, I don't act like a weaksauce fuck and I follow through on what I say I'll do, so when I tell my wife to trust me she does.

Any idea why vacations are such fertile opportunities for things to go bad?

Most men can't plan and fuck it up. The wife already doubts his leadership ability and goes into the vacation with a sour mind.

Also, incorporate your wife into part of the planning. If you know your wife well, then sure plan ahead. But you don't seem to have that so I'd include her somewhat.

Any tips?

Make the vacation different. Don't make it about the two of you eating, drinking, and sleeping.

Imagine your life being a string. You want to put a bunch of Polaroids on that string. those Polaroids are memories, memories that will last a lifetime.

How do you get those? You fucking make experiences. fuck the chain restaurant - go to the local place. Immerse yourself in the culture, be funny.

I have sang in the middle of a crowd, grabbed my wife and ballroom danced on the street, bought local clothing and worn it like a fuck - all for the laugh and smile of my boo.

See the ocean, instead of looking at it - toss the shoes over your shoulder and walk in it - don't be the dick who splashes either.

Plan ahead, if you know there is a nice place to eat make reservations without her knowing, just show up and have them say your name and get your table ahead of the line - you look like a boss.

Show off your body and ensure she is confident enough to show off hers. This is your lady, fucking just plan it out and have a fucking blast. Life is not as serious as people make it.

EDIT

That may be the start of establishing frame.

That sentence shows me it's not.

You have to fucking believe in yourself. As trite as it sounds, your 'frame' is your reality. If you want this vacation to be fucking awesome, then make it so. It takes work, you have to adapt quickly and be able to think on the fly.

The rain and weather did not cooperate, but I found indoor attractions while she was asleep and boom, she woke up I had the gameplan ready to be implemented.

Hey babe, it's raining let's go to X place, it's a 1/2hr away and only costs $$$

Your frame is what makes this a reality. You believe it to be the truth and then it becomes the truth. I could have curled up and cried that the rain ruined the weekend, but I'm not a weaksauce fuck and neither are you - so fucking forge this plan, include your wife so she is excited and then kick it into gear and have a fucking FR to share how fucking awesome it was.

schmeeza · 2016-05-18T18:48:40+00:00

Mines represent the gaps in any vacation where you are not leading. Before my RP days, we would plan a vacation together and when it was time to execute, sometimes we were not on the same page details-wise and that could potentially lead to a conflict (mine goes boom).

I've been on my RP journey for over a year and a half and we have been on a few vacations, the longest one being last Spring. I have taken complete control of every aspect so she can let go and enjoy the ride. Of course she says those were the best vacations ever and was ready to get-down-n-dirty everyday with no arguments or disconnects the entire time.

druganswer · 2016-05-18T17:59:04+00:00

I blame kids. I don't have kids and vacations have never been an issue at all.

BluepillProfessor · 2016-05-18T18:25:16+00:00

It is a different environment with new challenges. When you don't have the roles worked out and you are trying to lead, especially in a new situation, while she is continuing to be the usurper you can see how that creates issues.

Chump_No_More · 2016-05-18T20:40:08+00:00

By my observations, it depends on where you are in your red pill journey.

For the newly unplugged, going on an extended vacation is an unmitigated disaster because you're in the still living in the shattered remains of a failed paradigm and in the thick of the power struggle for who controls the new one. Additionally, newly unplugged are still in the process of killing the old nice guy, beta neural pathways and vacations take you out of the comfortable routines you've built to nurture/grow the newer healthy ones.

For the RP veterans and their wives who are enthusiastically engaged in the new paradigm and along for the ride, it's just another day at the office where the boss totally has his shit together... except a whole lot more fun.

Seriously, if you're newly unplugged, don't set yourself up to fail! Opt for short weekend getaways, at most, where the planned events are manageable, opportunities for disagreement are minimized and your frame can remain intact.

Veritas76 · 2016-05-18T23:22:27+00:00

My last two vacations since I found MRP were pretty pleasant for all of us(me, her, 9yo and 5yo).

I set up everything, planed everything and executed everything. She did her part (preparing meals, packing for kids, some driving etc.). However I did not put a burden of making any decision on her. I took an input from her for sure (let us spend a night in hotel X instead of Y as the breakfast is better, let us spend one more day here instead of there..). I evaluated it and decided what to do next.

It worked as a charm! No fights, almost no drama, we just enjoyed the vacation. I slipped twice in those 14 days and it did not go well.

The vacation is a good time as long as you do not put a decision making burden on your SO. They are there just to enjoy the ride with you after all.

cholomite · 2016-05-18T18:54:11+00:00

Because you're outside your element. You are embracing a challenge and attempting to have a good time with it. Your woman knows that you're in unfamiliar territory and wants to test your fitness and see how well you handle your shit in unfamiliar surroundings.

If you have to bet on a warrior, would you rather put your money on the guy who can kill it in the training grounds and gym, or do you want the guy who has survived 100 battles and always kept his shit together?

Vacations and public outings are the real deal. It's easy to run shit and hold frame from the comfort of your living room. Having to account for bad situations and unsure outcomes is the big show. Women always hit you when you're down and go for the weak spots. Most men are at their weakest when they're trying to manage a family and have a good time in an unfamiliar environment.

bzzltyr · 2016-05-18T21:29:17+00:00

I've only seen this come up in two scenarios personally, and these may not apply to everyone.

1)my wife is usually great on vacations but unbearable to be around a few days before. This is because she's scared of flying and that anxiety along with getting everything all packed up, work wrapped up, etc stresses her out. I just ignore the little snaps as I know they are out of character for her and become more relaxed by example to show her to chill a bit. Once we land she's fine. It's good to pay attention to what your wife's triggers are so you have a action plan ready.

2)we travel in groups a lot with other families. One thing I've seen a lot is moms go on vacation but get annoyed quickly as the guys are in full vacation mode but they are stuck with the kids and all the responsibilities of what they do at home so they can't fully relax. They see their husbands having fun while they have to get each kid dressed, fed, reapply sunscreen, stay away from danger, etc. I may catch some shit for this one but I see how much my wife does around the house for our kids, I don't expect her to have to do the same level on vacation (and vice versa, it's got to be a shared effort). The last couple group vacations I've proactively planned out guys and girls nights out at the start of the trip. I lead by putting my foot down before we ever leave, telling everyone in a group email or chat that girls night out will be this night and guys will watch the kids and guys night out will be this night and girls will watch the kids. I will also arrange kid swaps for couples time away where we watch some one else's kids a night and then they watch ours. Realistically I'm still not doing 50% of the work with our kids, but just putting in some effort and leading by example to everyone else is all she wants.

bogeyd6 · 2016-05-19T12:53:05+00:00

Everything is new, stressful, and unfamiliar. Traveling long distances, boredom, and no time apart. They all begin to take their toll, even on you. She has a crystal clear view into your leadership and the failures. At home its easy to hide the failures and you can plan away from her all you want.

cj_aubrey · 2016-05-19T14:10:16+00:00

Its important to check bluepill ideas, motivations and covert contracts. Most of the trouble I've had with vacations was when I was doing it for her and trying to show her an amazing time like a beta white knight. This demonstrated weakness, she shit tested me like crazy and criticized most of my plans. When I take charge, schedule what I want to do, with some consideration for romantic stuff with her and make sure everything is handled, then I see a lot fewer shit tests.

screechhater · 2016-05-19T21:25:33+00:00

Best vacation we ever had was in condo right on the beach and you took the elevator to the beach Walk 1000 feet into water. Have a kitchen in the condo or go out. No plans for 1 week. Everyone can chill out

Really need to plan for this type of vacation. The day of travel can be tense, but if you chill, she can too. I 'm with FA you need to be in good sort with SO to truly enjoy your time together, and keep from shit testing central dialing in on you

Title	Why are vacations a minefield?
Author	Rickenbass
Upvotes	10
Comments	31
Date	May 18, 2016 4:52 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/4jxn0g/why_are_vacations_a_minefield/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/why-are-vacations-a-minefield.199977 https://theredarchive.com/post/199977

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