Main Event(s), long overdue. Victim puke warning.

PemBayliss · 2015-10-21T23:10:40+00:00

whinemoreplease is correct overall -- you're just playing "not to lose" and not playing to win. "Playing to win" would mean you go toe to toe and head to head with your wife.

Playing to win would look something like this:

1) First and foremost you need to absent yourself from her much more. Withdraw everything emotional. Withdraw all attention. If she starts in on you, get up and leave the room. If it happens again, leave the house for a few hours. Don't tell her where you went. She wants attention, and you're giving it to her. Withdraw your attention completely.

2) REspond in kind when she calls you names. She needs to see you're willing to fight back and not take her abuse lying down.

3) Take tighter control over the finances. Take tighter control over everything that you do around the house, such as finances, overall direction of the family, scheduling, etc.

4) Do not ever allow her parents to interfere in anything pertaining to your marriage or your children. That episode where her mommy and daddy came to your house after wife's little meltdown is fucking bullshit. You should never have allowed this to happen. You should not have even given your inlaws an audience on any of it. if that ever happens again, you tell them something like this: "This isn't any of your business. This is between my wife and me. We aren't going to discuss this, now or ever." There's no need to be a dick about it; just tell them firmly and repeatedly that it is none of their business.

And then you tell wife that it is none of her parents' business and that you are not going to be a party to any discussions of your marriage with them (or with YOUR family of origin, for that matter).

5) You need to see a lawyer now. If you really are going to end this, then you need to make plans for that now. You also need to get into the mindset of fighting to win, and treating your marriage like a business that's going out of business and winding up its affairs. You need to be prepared to make cold eyed, hard nosed business decisions. You need to be ready to fight when necessary and pick your battles carefully. You need to be ready to make concessions when necessary too.

6) Start correcting the record, and rewriting the narrative. If she has one version of the facts, and you have another, make sure you have what you need to back up your version.

7) Under no circumstances do you leave the house in the absence of a court order. Do not move out. If she wants the marriage to end, she can move out, and she can leave the baby. If she does leave, whether the baby goes with her or not (the baby probably will go if wife is breastfeeding), then you need to make sure your lawyer can prepare a custody and support order for the child so that that is arranged and visitation is also arranged.

If you really are going to end it instead of fix it, this is what I'd recommend. STFU to your inlaws and everyone else.

whinemoreplease · 2015-10-22T13:32:02+00:00

The one thing I notice in the post, which is different than most posts like this, is that you're making a ton of "I" statements.

Your wife's mother is an interfering cunt.

But, and I'm going to be very fucking blunt with you, the problem here isn't your wife. The reason you are failing is because of you.

I will also tell you why you are failing. It is because you are playing not to lose, instead of playing to win. Your mindset is all fucked up and you are absolutely nowhere near vicious enough for the bullshit you're getting handed. She's throwing punches and you're waving flags - there is absolutely no cost to fighting you, no consequence.

You are the pacifist in the middle of a war - you have a covert contract of your pacifism being respected. Look at how well that went for Belgium in WW2.

Even a lion, the king of the jungle, needs to fight to defend and maintain his supremacy.

BluepillProfessor · 2015-10-22T01:52:58+00:00

So I'm literally telling myself, 'don't engage.' But no, justice must be served

So you are literally aware of the best tactic to use but you refuse to use it?

you know, you're a selfish, insufferable cunt.

Actually I like it. Short, descriptive, to the point. Walk away because there needs to be nothing more to be said.

Except one little thing. She only acts that way because YOU TOLERATE IT. If you don't tolerate it. If you walk away and calmly call her out each and every time she acts like a selfish, insufferable cunt she will stop. Women take the shape of their container and will treat you precisely as badly as YOU LET THEM.

I just wanted all the bad behavior out in the open about her princess. They accused me of being passive aggressive and having an undercurrent of anger all the time.

We call that "Covert Contracting" but passive aggressive works. Your inlaws are right. You were passive aggressive for a long time, building and building and continuing to tolerate the intolerable.

I just worry that the courts will side with her on custody and I have to undo all the damage she does raising my kid.

Count on it.

I hate to beat a dead horse right here but the point of self improvement is to become more attractive so you are in a position to upgrade if you decide to stop putting up with bad behavior and it doesn't improve. WHAT have you done to upgrade and to become more attractive?

All I can see you have done is begin- and I REALLY mean BEGIN- to START responding to her bitchy shit tests. That is it. I get that you have a new baby but what have you done?

Did you even bother to get a single number close before blowing your marriage to high Hell? When your wife was bitchy and pregnant did you join a club and get busy? Do you even lift?

theultmatecad · 2015-10-22T01:21:46+00:00

Painful to read as I have been in your shoes brother.

Whinemoreplease is mostly right that the problem is you. I say mostly because the only thing you can change is you.

I would get ducks in a row to divorce. Start building an emotional support network away from her. Be there for the kids but nothing for her. I'd be a bit shell shocked, hard to reach. And the gym. Lift and run til you puke.

I'd bet fifty fifty this shift on your part may make things better while you continue to build a life away from her. You can leave anytime there doesn't have to be a rush

marxistbacon · 2015-10-22T12:57:01+00:00

It's been a while since I read anything on MRP that's left me feeling more bleak and depressed than this post.

I read your history. Your wife is a real gem. Medicated, ADD, up, down, abusive, harping, manipulative, conniving bitch. Shaved clean so you're enticed to marry her and knock her up then back to wookie-style snatch and no sex for 10 months. Nasty, fucking nasty. And that therapy story - these kind of chicks will reject anything the therapist points out - counselling was all about her controlling you and making her happy, not about actually examining her own life.

But you have some problems of your own. It's not solely her. It never is. WMP described it as "playing not to lose". The way I see it, you're basically just trying valiantly to not lose your cool and keep your mouth shut when she starts up the bitching and the shit. That's half the battle, sure (although you keep getting sucked into emotional responses anyways, but at least you recognize that as an issue). But then you're not complementing that coolness with boundaries, not standing up for yourself, not doing much that I see to change the status quo. You describe that even after ten months of work, you're still sitting there feeling like it's your job to blow smoke up her ass as part of your duties in the relationship. Fuck that. You take the blows on the chin. You walk on eggshells. You make excuses for her hard time with therapy. You let her parents intrude into your marriage. All that passive behaviour does is fill up your powderkeg for the next time she throws a match at you, then you blow your stack. At this point, I really don't see what the downside could be from just standing up for yourself once in a while. Your brother was on the money there.

Can't say I blame you for looking to divorce. Not gonna judge you there. But at least use the next couple of months as a testing ground for what things could be like if you actually stood up for yourself and stopped walking on eggshells. If you don't try out some different strategies for getting your needs met in a relationship, you'll just wind up in five years in a bar venting to some guy about the shitty bitch you're currently with and reciting a tale that sounds a lot like this one.

Rasalom72 · 2015-10-22T14:06:01+00:00

So, you seem to be forgetting the first rule of dealing with a woman. Watch what they do, not what they say.

Instead of listening to what she is saying... i want to seperate, etc... what is she doing? Spending time with you, going for a walk, coming to see you in another room.

She's a women, and a lawyer, and pregnant. How do you not see these for the MASSIVE shit tests they are. Stop being a pussy and getting sucked into her frame. Be stoic. Be the OAK that your family needs.

This isn't TRP, where if you meet some resistance it's NEXT all day long... this is MRP... this is HARD MODE.

Now you can bet your ass that her lawyer friends are telling her how to rape you and how she'd be better off with out you, and her girl friends are just waiting to set her up with Dr. Chad up the street... but fuck all that. Fight for what's yours. Your kid, your wife, your marriage.

You can't make her want to stay, but don't mistake what she's saying for what she actually wants...

turbosympathique · 2015-10-22T15:29:29+00:00

You seriously need to find your inner ass-hole and use it. You are still a nice guy.

Test to see if you have what it take, tell her this joke with a shit eating grin.

Honey do you know why God invented yeast infection?
So that women know what it's like to live with an irritable cunt!

stonepimpletilists · 2015-10-22T16:04:45+00:00

Probably whats going on

You don't sound like you've done anything but learn to take a punch marginally better. I see nothing in here about you working on you, in fact, all I've seen is you blame everything in your life on her. even the therapist, have you actually gone to one? Or is it you've decided to? Do you have any idea why you're going there? Or are you expecting to have them give you a roadmap?

your brother kind of gave you good advice, but you've implemented it in the worst way imaginable. If you've read any of the sidebar, you've implemented very little, or expressed it very poorly (you admittedly don't do well with words) This is a complete train wreck of negotiating desire, you hamstering treating her well as some kind of baby-favour. I can't even call it a covert contract, because your contract is very overt, but shitty.

No matter what I do, you will be a cunt, so I'm going to keep doing the same thing, and you will be a cunt about it.

10 months of this, 10. How many talks of separation? How many of divorce? What preparation have you done in that time? It's not like you don't have at least a half hour a day to devote to it (it would be fucking time normally) She's a lawyer, you can't have her print off the divorce papers and bring them home? you can't go out and find another lawyer, it's not like over the years you haven't met at least one co worker of hers. I would love if you took the man you were 10 months ago today, and compare him to todays man. seriously own your shit, and compare them.

10 months, and this is what you have to show for it? I would be embarrassed. It's a good thing you don't mind blaming all this on your brand new baby, because Jesus had to die for 3 days to become the martyr, the baby only had to sit there and shit itself.

this is assuming that everything you've done up to this point is right, though you've not put it down. Highly unlikely, but there are people reading this post of OP's that need some value.

So I calmly say, "you know, you're a selfish, insufferable cunt." And I walk away. She's called me a bitch, fucker, retarded, dick and asshole.

hard to hamster yourself into thinking her frame is yours, but I guess it is possible. Checked-out doesn'y imply being gandalf fighting the balrog... More of neo leaving the matrix, it just ceases to be his life anymore, and just goes to learn kung fu instead.

4 days later we had our one year wedding anniversary. I made a deal with her, let's focus on the baby, coparenting under the same room for the next 3 months. Don't worry about 'us', we'll take that one day at time. She was in tears b/c I had a very thoughtful anniversary gift for her that was set in motion before C-day. I gave it to her anyway even though she didn't deserve it.

Not really a vital part of the story, but why would you reward shitty behaviour? You are creating your own frame/narrative, this is good. Since you really haven't talked about what you've done to fix you, other than therapy, I have to assume you've done the pre-requisite work. If not, best get started while you get your ducks in a row, because if you haven't fixed you, then you are only kicking the can down the road, and the next insufferable cunt will be doing the same thing to do a few years down the road.

Since it's likely (since you've only provided those points) that she can't be fixed, sounds like you've demoted her to milk factory for your kid. If thats your decision, don't half ass it. /u/RPAlternate42 has a really solid wife-nexting plan in place, he would probably be the best guy to talk to about this to bounce your ideas off of.

A few other things of note, ingest them as you see fit:

she still isn't apologizing, what does it matter? Why is that important?
Did you honestly expect her mother to side with you? Why waste effort, apple doesn't fall far from the tree, her father would have been better. But again, what outcome were you expecting?
Her frame is that you two are horrible as a couple, you're a giant faggot and she is the poor helpless mother who is tired of it. Every time you call her a cunt, or yell at one of her crazy sessions, you're feeding that narrative. The one it sounds like you're going for is "This woman is crazy and unsalvageable, I have her here because my baby needs milk and more attention than I can provide alone" basically a nanny that costs nothing but patience. Keep that (or whatever version you have) in your head and repeat it back on every interaction, this will help you keep in your frame.

blarggggggggggg · 2015-10-22T17:09:22+00:00

Dude, you say you've internalized the sidebar but you have internalized NOTHING. Everything you post here is basically you entering her frame, attempting to justify and defend yourself to her when you shouldn't even be entertaining these types of discussions. Tell her 'I refuse to discuss shit from years and years ago and if you continue I am leaving the room' and then GET OUT! Read When I Say No I Feel Guilty and Stop Walking on Eggshells.

You should read the book 'Codependent No More' you sound like a classic case.

Not going to go over the backstory but if your wife truly needs professional mental help and refuses to get it and if the marriage is truly ending right now, you need to find an attorney, get a plan in place and be the first to file for divorce.

You immediately need to stop giving a fuck what your wife thinks of you. "your disdain for me is palpable" WHO GIVES A FUCK.

DON'T EVER ACCUSE ME OF THAT! - congratulations you fell for her bait and got goaded into an emotional display.

She is a master manipulator and you keep falling into it over and over and over again. STFU!! DO NOT ENGAGE!

Jasonmillright · 2015-10-23T17:26:18+00:00

Just finished a similar situation, although my kids are already school age. It ended when I kicked my wife out of the house because she was in the process of branch swinging. Sorry to say it has the potential to become exponentially worse.

Two things I wish I had done differently in the 4 months from her first divorce talk to the discovery of raunchy text messages between her and Juan Longcock (Chad's wetback cousin).

I would have given her exactly what she wanted earlier: "Oh you want to be a single mom with two kids? Well lets start that now."

I spent months trying to reengage with her by stepping into her frame, trying to buy her affection with favors and help, when I should have withdrawn completely and done nothing for her that I did when we were still reasonably happy together. I still cringe when I think about the elaborate mother's day gift I gave her even though she had been acting like a frigid bitch for 2 months straight.

I would have started to spin plates sooner:

Maybe I wouldn't have gotten my dick wet (yet) but a few drinks and conversation with a woman that doesn't hate my guts would have worked wonders for my mindset and would have made my time with my wife bearable.

All in all it seems like your wife has made up her mind. She wishes you would pull the trigger on the divorce so she can frame herself as the "poor mom of newborn whose asshole husband wants a divorce", but if you hem and haw to long she'll grow impatient and kill the marriage herself. Better believe she's gathering allies, framing the narrative and making plans to fuck you over. It sounds like she's laying the groundwork for a domestic violence accusation.

Have you had a paternity test done yet? $39 at Walgreens, $30 overnight package, $89 lab fee. My oldest son is 99.999997 mine. Now just have to get the youngest tested.

Have you read about the 4 stages of women's infidelity? It sounds like your wife may be in stage 3.

itsgavinc · 2015-10-22T15:58:08+00:00

I've learned my wife does not forgive my trespasses and often brings them up during altercations. Literally lists them off.

Maxim #70 from Illimitable Men: “A woman’s mistakes never count, a man’s are never forgotten.”

We went to marriage counseling but she no longer wanted to go for a few reasons.

Can't negotiate desire. "Successful" marriage counseling simply gives you each a list of duties to complete. Congrats! Your marriage is now a chore.

trp_dude · 2015-10-22T23:49:22+00:00

Thanks for sharing. We read so many success stories, but obviously there are instances where TRP doesn't work. I think it's as helpful to read about when it doesn't work as when it does.

Can you give a little more background, especially why you think it may not be working? Are you lifting? Where is your SMV? What's the background of how the two of you ended up together?

Onan_Barbarian · 2015-10-23T02:17:10+00:00

She wants you out - beware of a domestic violence accusation.
Get a VAR and keep it around. And remember it's there if you think about raising your voice.

my_cock_in_barack · 2015-10-23T13:12:20+00:00

Are you me?? I also have preggo lawyer wife. She's in her 2nd tri so things are calm right now.

But I understand about how she can be with words. Her lawyer instinct to defend and argue kicks in, she starts making these horribly disconnected analogies about things, and that just leaves me like 'how do I even respond to that'.

We were once arguing and I thought if I ever divorced her, I would literally burn the house down so neither of us could have it. Because if I have nothing to lose at that point, why not. Just a thought.

rurpe · 2015-10-21T22:02:42+00:00

I did the monk mode for awhile and read and internalized

Monk mode is good but you have to come out and start applying what you learned

They accused me of being passive aggressive and having an undercurrent of anger all the time

I'd imagine a man in monk mode who is angry about the past would seem passive aggressive and angry all the time

I'm a technical man so I get tongue tied when I go up against a lawyer

She has already won if this is your attitude. You know how to "win" arguments: fogging, broken record, etc. You are letting your emotions get the best of you.

STOP. DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT TO ME AGAIN! DON'T YOU EVER ACCUSE ME OF THAT! Of course I never got an apology but then my wife was extremely nice to me over the weekend and talkative. First time in 9 months.

So you stood up to her using plain statements instead of feelz and logic and she responds positively? You should work on this part of you so that you don't get sucked into pointless arguments.

Your wife may be a colossal bitch but you clearly have issues of your own that will follow you into every relationship if you do not fix them.

Title	Main Event(s), long overdue. Victim puke warning.
Author	[deleted]
Upvotes	8
Comments	60
Date	October 21, 2015 9:17 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/MarriedRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3poq1d/main_events_long_overdue_victim_puke_warning/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/MarriedRedPill/main-events-long-overdue-victim-puke-warning.200826 https://theredarchive.com/post/200826

Comments

Probably whats going on

this is assuming that everything you've done up to this point is right, though you've not put it down. Highly unlikely, but there are people reading this post of OP's that need some value.