Several times I have said "OK, I will write this for askMRP today", only to self-sabotage myself and not do it. Today I am finally giving the step. This is loooong: there is lots to say and I do want to say this. And I am cutting oodles!! This is not even an accurate summary!
The goal of this post is to hear your advice regarding how to enhance my sex life. My wife despises me and won't have sex with me because, in her words, "I am a pervert".
If you don't want to read lots of (real) cringy stuff given for context, please, please, just jump to the "AND FINALLY..." section at the end. I still think the rest of the story is kind of entertaining, though.
I will tell you a bit about my past. This is lots of blue pill stuff that is super-cringy. The only goal is to give context. After I swallowed the red pill, I am not who I once was. Stil, this happened:
So I have had this "problem" with fapping and porn since I was 13 (I am in my early 40's now). I won't dwell in it now. Suffice to say I have "tried" everything (12 step groups, praying, meditation, therapy, etc.). Something finally is kind of working, but this post is not about it.
When I started dating my current wife, I was (supposedly) living as a committed Catholic, holy, good guy, and beta AF. I was going to Mass frequently, yet I was confessing my sins every week (sometimes 2 times in the same week): porn and masturbation. I was living a double life... and I was a slacker at work.
Enter my wife (then girlfriend). She was 22, and a virgin. I was her first kiss. The first weeks were magical. Of course no sex, but infatuation and touching here and there. Then, after several months, she found out I was watching porn (I stupidly left a browser window open). Then I "confessed" her that I was watching porn, so she started "helping me" not to by monitoring my web activity (I told you, this is cringey).
Anyways, long story short, she didn't continue doing this stupid monitoring stuff (I was finding out other ways to watch porn anyways). Months later, she caught me again, and slowly but surely I started "eroding" that image of the good guy I had at the start. At the same time, though, our relationship was a lot of erotic touchy-feely and sex talking. We had lots of "almost-sex", which I enjoyed a lot. What was my illusion? That she gave me a blowjob. She never did. She never really has (oh, my God, how I hate this).
Anyways, 2 1/2 years later, we got married. During the honeymoon I had PIED (specifically, retarded ejaculation) and we couldn't have satisfactory sex. One complete week of trying to have sex and being unable to. Imagine. Finally, we were able to have "complete" sex a good month after the wedding.
Four months later, we got pregnant. Sex started to be more and more rare (2-3 times a month) and my secret PMO continued.
Then my daughter is born... and as it was a C-section. Then my wife started denying sex, in the (supposed) fear that we got pregnant again and her innards broke or something if we got pregnant again. A solid 9 months we didn't have sex. And we started having real issues and fights. Guys, I didn't know the red pill: I was a screaming beta loser and she was shit-testing me by the minute. Something that I want to mention is that she despised that I would get from work to have sex with her. I would be there "waiting for her to finish browsing Facebook" or whatever she was doing, in order for us to have duty sex. She absolutely hated this. She would raise those bitch walls to amazing heights whenever I said I wanted to have sex at night. Unbelievable. At this moment we were having sex about once every two months. And I was PMO'ing like crazy.
Then I lost my job. And we decided to go live with her parents in order to save money. Although I am and will always be infinitely grateful to her parents for taking us, I realize now this was not an intelligent decision. Our fights escalated now even more, now that we didn't have privacy. Her mom got involved. My mom got involved. My siblings got involved... She also started going to the university again (as, she said, this marriage could be over any minute and she didn't want to depend on me). Of course, by this moment we have not been sleeping together. She's downstairs with the baby and I am upstairs by myself in a room full of clutter.
And then, when she was shit-testing me the most, guess what, she "catches" me watching porn again.
Then she slaps me, and tells me that I am betraying her.
She doubles the shit-testing, now mistreating me with words and actions, extremely annoyed at anything I do, bitching like never. By then, she had lost all admiration she had had for me. I was lost, totally lost. I was angry, sad, humilliated and unemployed. At least, I wasn't homeless. But I was contemplating suicide.
Then, one day, after talking with a reactionary Catholic friend he told me "leave her".
I was amazed that my ultra Catholic friend was giving me this advice. His rationale was that her behavior was offending God, so I should leave in order to prevent that sin from happening. Accurate way of thinking, actually. So after a particular evening in which she was telling me "she was going to make my life a living hell" (literal words), I said: "I cannot stand this. Tomorrow I am leaving.". She just scoffs at me.
Following day, after her parents have gone to work, I take my car keys and my passport and I say "I am leaving. Bye.". Then... Ohhh boy, she starts yelling and screaming "IF YOU LEAVE YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR DAUGHTER AGAIN! IF YOU LEAVE WE WILL GET DIVORCED!!". I just turn around and take my car and leave her.
All the car drive to my friends' house where I was going to stay was rid with phone calls, SMS and voice messages of the "OH, I AM SORRY, I AM SO SORRY, MY LOVE!! PLEASE COME BACK! JUST COME BACK, LET'S TALK FIVE MINUTES... BUT PLEASE COME BAAAAACK!!!" type. I didn't.
Looking back, I think this was the most Alpha moment I had without the Red Pill. Anyways, I told the situation (by phone) to my mom, dad, and siblings. I was lost, what can I say.
Then my wife and I talk that very night I "left" her. And then the next day at morning. This was so fucking stupid. I should have waited longer to talk again. In any case, I decide I would return a couple days later. My mom tells me I was making a mistake.
When I came back, that night was the one and only night in which told me that she wanted to give me a blowjob. Can you believe it? She kind of did.
Although problems continued and the shit-testing continued, things started getting a bit better when I got a job. And picture this, it was far from her: I would work Mon-Fri in an area kind of far away (I was renting a little room) and then I would drive back on Friday night to be with her, to stay with her Sat and Sun, and then drive back. She still didn't want to have sex, or would give me starfish every now and then.
As PMO continued, and I was not sure I wanted to continue my lifestyle of not sleeping with my wife and being with my daughter every day (for what it was worth), I started going to a male counselor. He insisted I should go to meetings of SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). I started going, but I still keep PMO'ing.
And then, you guessed it, my wife found out I was going to the meetings. By this moment she thinks I am a full-blown pervert.
So I lot that job again... and I stopped going to the meetings (not that they were really working anyways).
last week my wife tells me that she had "found out" that I was still in a WhatsApp group for SAA. I had simply forgotten to leave that group. "Here, I am leaving it" I replied, and I did leave it, in my phone. She says "You're a pervert. You're meeting with pedophiles. I don't know what you have been doing. I don't want to have sex with you. And I also want you to do a full STD check".
I had been listening about Red Pill (honestly, it's all I do), so I knew I had to project a strong, secure aura and not be a stressed bitch. I very calmly reacted like this:
Me: "I am not going to the meetings anymore. I am not a pervert. And I am not doing any STD test."
She: "OK, then I am not going to have sex with you".
She: "Yeah, you're a pervert.'
Me: "No. And, oh, by the way, every time you deny sex to me, kick me or disrespect me in bed, you are being unfaithful to me. We got married to have sex."
She: "Yeah, but I don't have sex with you because I cannot trust you. I don't know about your secret life.".
Me: "OK, cool. I cannot control you. I am working on being the best man I can be. We'll see what happens."
And... we had sex that night.
So, in this conversation was I the alpha I could have been?, HELL NO, but it's amazing how I have changed. Before, I would have been and screaming, whining, supplicating bitch. Now I don't care.
MY PLAN: Currently I am in Dread 3, and looking forward to getting an amazing job. I am going back to the gym. I went for 2 months straight, but stopped.
I have that Beta monster ingrained in me, and is my default. I am fighting, every day, to change context, to be alpha, to know that I AM THE PRIZE, to stop giving OH SO MANY FUCKS.
And I also want to stop PMO but not for her but because of ME. I have had amazing steps towards this. Instead I want to start having real passionate, extreme, porn-like sex!! This will happen!! I'm reading SGM and BPP's book now.
Anyways, thanks for reading. Comments and roasts appreciated.
Edit: Minor edits.