Can it be turned around?

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April 20, 2018
6 upvotes

Hi guys,

Have been Mr nice guy all the way for our 14 year relationship (two kids 7 and 10). Wife quit sex and moved to her own room 9 months ago and had a lover she does not talk to anymore (apparently) but is still very much into. We are barely still living together, lots of separation talk. I now really recently have understood the nice guy stuff and how I basically destroyed positive emotional tension. Am working very hard on myself. Think if I knew all of this earlier, I could have easily turned our marriage around - but not sure at all how to do it from here. Am brutally attached to her even though I am trying hard to lose that. But the moment I even try to touch her she totally flinches. Can anyone recommend any good reads, has any intel on how to turn a situation like this? Better to work from still living together or taking the lead for separation and trying to work it from a a distance with occasional meets?

Thanks men!

Olaf


Post Information
Title Can it be turned around?
Author olafk1
Upvotes 6
Comments 38
Date 20 April 2018 03:49 PM UTC (2 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/204600
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8dom59/can_it_be_turned_around/
Similar Posts
Comments

[–]CaptJohnLukeDiscard36 points37 points  (6 children) | Copy

Hey Olaf. You came to the right place. Let's chat for a bit. I'm going with a softer approach than normal because for whatever reason, I think you need it. Hopefully you will listen.

Have been Mr nice guy all the way for our 14 year relationship (two kids 7 and 10).

How old are you now? How tall are you, how much weight do you lift on the major lifts (bench, dead, squat, OHP), what is your bodyfat, how well do you dress, and how much $$ do you make per year?

Note that 14 years of Nice Guy (which means you were a wimp) is very difficult to overcome with your current woman. Some guys, like me, have an easier time of it because we were alpha to start and that's what attracted our wives to us. You evidently did it the other way around which means she has no paradigm in which to view any changes in a positive light... unless she is a unicorn which actually verbalizes that she wants you to be more alpha.

had a lover she does not talk to anymore (apparently) but is still very much into.

The first question I have is why you want her to stay? Does she add some extreme amount of value to your life that justifies her cheating on you and justifies / outweighs the incredible amount of difficulty and challenge that awaits you if you try to 'win' her back?

You need to recognize oneitis. Oneitis isn't really focused on a woman. It's a perverse form of self degradation that assumes that you are so pathetic that the woman you are with (or want) is the only woman that 'good' that you can actually get. Men with extremely high SMVs don't get oneitis because they usually are smart enough to recognize that there are plenty of fish in the sea and that they can find another if their current lady doesn't work.

So ask yourself... why do you want her? Then ask yourself whether or not she is worth the future you that will be an absolute badass. Think about it. Let's say you improve your fitness, appearance, game, etc. You start making more money. You own your stuff around the house. You are a badass father. Is she worth that improved version of you? Are you sure?

This is a long way of saying that you need to TAKE THE FOCUS OFF HER AND PUT IT ON YOU.

I get that she cheated because you are weak. Yes, that's on you. It's also on her. You didn't force her to spread her legs for strange. So why are you hooked on her? My guess is because you are scared that you can't do as good as her if you re-enter the marketplace. Think about it.

I now really recently have understood the nice guy stuff

No, you haven't. A nice guy is worried about getting back with the woman who cheated on him. An alpha man is focused on improving himself and lets the chips fall where they may. An alpha is on a mission and won't let a woman stand in the way of that.

she totally flinches

Yep. You are pretty much what she is biologically hardwired to avoid at all costs. Stop focusing on her and improve you.

Can anyone recommend any good reads, has any intel on how to turn a situation like this?

The sidebar.

Better to work from still living together or taking the lead for separation and trying to work it from a a distance with occasional meets?

Neither. She should not be a part of your mission. Here... I'll boil it down for you since you seem to be so completely lost that you need it spelled out.

A. Figure out your mission, your MAP, your "this is what I want to look like, how much sex I want to have, have an income of, where I want to live, what hobbies I want to have, what skills I want to be good at, etc." in 10 years. That's your Goal. You need to figure out what kind of man can achieve those things... then you need to become that man. The focus is on YOU. You are the prize.

B. Break the Goal down into actionable chunks that have time markers. Maybe you need to add 30 pounds of muscle and drop 50 pounds of fat. Do some research on the best way to do that and then set reasonable time goals to achieve it. Set yearly, quarterly, monthly, and weekly check-offs to stay on track.

C. STFU with your wife. Stop engaging with her entirely. Don't initiate sex, don't be friendly, don't be mean, whatever. Treat her like a roommate that you aren't particularly fond of. Also, go see an attorney that represents men in divorce. Get a gameplan together right now on how that will go down and what you need to do to protect you in this situation.

D. Figure out a plan with the kids. Become a better dad. Think about how you will improve their lives and continue to improve their lives even if your wife nukes the situation or you nuke it.

E. Get your finances in order and stash away some money for a go fund. Pump as much money as you can into this and protect it (with the advice of your attorney / CPA / whoever) so that it can't be touched in a divorce.

F. Read the entire sidebar, 3 times. Then go read all of Jacktenofhearts' posts. Become a student of the manosphere.

G. Lurk here. Post regularly in the OYS threads on Tuesday. Stay consistent on this stuff.

H. Believe in yourself. You can do this. You can become the type of man that can get what you want. It will take a long time and it will be hard and there is a very good chance it will not be with your current wife but you can have a relationship with a quality woman who meets your physical needs if that's what you want.

Now, it's on you to digest this and do the work.

[–]olafk1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks dude, helpful.

[–]Chump_No_More1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

Good, actionable advise. Now change "quality woman" to "woman who adds measurable value to your life" and it will be almost perfect.

Get in the habit of looking at at all relationships in your life (people or things, doesn't matter) as to whether it adds value. Full stop. Perceived 'Quality' is a distraction that prevents you from making objective decisions. It's the rabbit hole where Sunk Cost Fallacy hides. Stop using that word.

[–]CaptJohnLukeDiscard0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Agree with your sentiment 100%. For me, I measure quality according to the value it provides. I wouldn't say "that's a quality jackhammer" because I don't need or ever use jackhammers. However, I do say "that's a quality olympic bar" because I use those all the time. So to me, quality is exactly a reference to "the degree to which it adds value to me on a meaningful basis."

Good clarification though in case someone else is using the word differently.

[–]SeamusAwl8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

Wife quit sex and moved to her own room 9 months ago and had a lover she does not talk to anymore (apparently) but is still very much into.

Nail in the coffin. Wife quit sex with you and decided to openly sleep with another man. You allowed this to happen you cuck. This wasn't some secret affair, it was her saying "you are complete and utter shit. I have so little respect for you that I will fuck another man in the same house and be so loud you wouldn't be able to sleep"

Think if I knew all of this earlier, I could have easily turned our marriage around - but not sure at all how to do it from here.

MRP isn't designed to save marriages. It is designed to save the man. If the marriage gets saved in the process, great. If the marriage gets shutdown (like this one should be), great. The man should come out of it a better person then he was before MRP.

But the moment I even try to touch her she totally flinches.

Openly sleeping with another man, separation talk, lives in another room, recoils at the slightest touch from you. Her next step is to just pack up and leave for you to get the hint you are nobody to her.

Can anyone recommend any good reads, has any intel on how to turn a situation like this?

She has checked out and if you could recover the marriage from this (why the flying fuck would you even want to with this whore?) then you would be a truly great (and completely stupid) man.

Better to work from still living together or taking the lead for separation and trying to work it from a a distance with occasional meets?

It is better to work it like this. You stepped up to the table, bet all on black and the ball landed on red. what do you do now with no more chips to play the game... you walk away. you do not stand there watching everyone else play at the table. Or in your case, you don't sit there listening to your wife get railed in the room next door hoping that she will remember why she married you in the first place. you pack her shit and tell her to get a place. She wants out of the marriage, so she can leave the home as well.

Then get to work unfucking yourself. Become the best version of yourself. You will be much happier when you do.

[–]OwningMOS13 points14 points  (0 children) | Copy

Kill the puppy. She's done with you.

[–]lightbringer78-25 points6 points  (0 children) | Copy

Turn your head slightly to the right and start reading and clicking links. Do not post again until you've done so.

[–]red-sfpplusHard Core Red10 points11 points  (0 children) | Copy

We see snowflakes all the time.

First time I have seen a snowman in here....

[–]olafk1[S] 2 points3 points  (5 children) | Copy

Guys, seriously - I know how this post may sound. I am well in shape - of course can always build some more muscle but have some muscle hardly any fat and good style. And I do turn womans heads. I worked a fuck ass high flyer job as a Trader until 40 when I pissed off with quite a few millions on the bank. I drive a Ducati - and believe me - I know how to. I actually am a great dad, coach my sons football team and go diving with him. For my daugther I am the man for adventures - but I also invent my own stories and tell them to the kids. When she told me - I lost weight and got stronger and did not dive into self pity. So I shouldn’t be a complete lost case. And I did start out as an Alpha - lived in Brazil going there without knowing anything and having the lingua in 6 months, then London where I rose from shit junior job to top of the market in 1.5 years. BUT I do have a massive case of oneitis and was a total beta since the kids were born. Not initially though - I made her move to London and give up her job in the 1st place. I am not miles from it all - but the “life plan” is definetly necessary. And yes, seems I won’t kill my oneitis without walking here.

Now - can anyone tell me how to access the sidebar everyone talks about from a mobile??

[–]officepeeon3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

Fuck... now I have to sell my Ducati since apparently it's ridden by faggots.

[–]matrixtospartanatLVRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cool.

Great addition to your original post.

You’re buff. You bank. And you can boss your wife around.

So Alpha on the outside, BETA on the inside.

STFU.

Literally, don’t argue with or defend yourself from comments here. You want to hear it all.

The sidebar is touted because your thought process is beta. Period.

She doesn’t care, hypergamy doesn’t care, about your accomplishments. She KNOWS you, so your current body, your Ducati, and your bank doesn’t mean SHIT to her. You’re not giving her the tingles.

And none of that matters, anymore.

Sidebar from the mobile, I get it from google; reddit mrp sidebar.

Start from the beginning.

Did you go to college?

Treat this like a 300 level course required for graduation. Don’t just read the sidebar, learn it and internalize it.

Over the next 14 months you should plan to put in 500 hours of work.

If that’s too much time or not worth it to you, then walk away now and wonder why the exact same shit happens to you again and again, and never post here again.

14 months.

500 hours.

There is no shortcut

The sidebar IS the shortcut.

Start from the very beginning and don’t skip anything.

Now shut the fuck up and get to work.

[–]weakandsensitive3 points4 points  (0 children) | Copy

blah blah blah

Unfortunately you have the mindset of a little bitch.

[–]wildnight98MRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

can anyone tell me how to access the sidebar everyone talks about from a mobile??

It's under "Community Info" in the drop-down menu.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret6 points7 points  (1 child) | Copy

Wife quit sex and moved to her own room 9 months ago and had a lover

Am brutally attached to her even though I am trying hard to lose that

What the fuck is wrong with you?

[–]crimson_chris0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Troll right? This shit can't be real.

[–]ChokingDownRPRed Beret1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Damn, OP. You let her stop having sex with you and allowed her to openly fuck another man. How much more can she do to tell you she's done with you and you should move on? As others have said, it's time to assess this situation and simply do what's best for YOU. Step one is to consult a good divorce attorney. From there, figure out your exit strategy - get your finances optimized for the divorce, make living arrangements for you and your kids, etc.

Read No more mr nice guy, then literally take a long look in the mirror. I have no idea why you feel the way you feel for her, but she will NEVER have respect for you again (if she ever did), even if you alpha up.

You can and will do better than her. When your children are older, they'll either look at you as a strong man who made his own happiness...or a sad, weak cuck faggot who couldn't take charge of his life, who allowed another man to openly fuck his wife while he watched from the sidelines. Which will it be?

Either way, work on yourself, for yourself. Stop caring about making it work with her, that ship has sailed.

[–]mabden1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

>intel on how to turn a situation like this?

Hire the best divorce lawyer you can afford and turn this shit show of a marriage around in the form of a divorce. Then read/comprehend/internalize the side bar and use this "intel" on improving yourself and your life, without the current boat anchor you call a wife.

[–]olafk1[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Thanks for the links / book tips. I will study this and I can fucking do it.

[–]olafk1[S] 0 points1 point  (2 children) | Copy

P.S. And my wife’s affair was on holiday, I squeezed it out of her because she’s a bad lier and she stopped contact with him as I told her so

[–]mindfulbutgutlessRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

she stopped contact with him as I told her so

nope, She has just gotten better at OPSEC.

[–]Tebulus0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Faggot/Troll.

[–]hack3ge0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

also made enough money in the markets to retire at 40 - so I know I have a fairly decent SMV.

You are going to get divorce raped bro - sorry to break it to you.

If you can't find the sidebar there's really no hope for you seriously...

Let me lay it out for you as a complete newbie - you gotta let it go there's no hope for it at all when some other dude had his dick in your wife and she knows you know. Odds are my wife had an affair she thinks she got away with and you know what I'm doing - fucking lifting, STFU and reading.

I've dropped 60 lbs since October almost have a full visible six pack flexed and everyone says I'm in the best shape of my life, my lifts are going up regularly and I hit the gym 3-4 times a week never miss a session, I am now what I consider a fucking amazing dad (my kids tell me regularly how much happier they are and how much they love me), i now couch all of my sons sports teams, I've gotten a 12k raise, my finances are in order and have a budget (pre / post divorce) and I have a go fund started, I have a divorce plan with a real fucking attorney, all people needed for a divorce are on the ready (lawyer, real estate agent, loan agent, etc.), i have been doing bjj/kickboxing for 4 months and am going to start training for my first MMA fight, I've made friends with probably 6-8 new guys and a few women in my social circle (2 whom would now help me hide a dead body if i called them at 2am) , I've read probably 40 books some twice and hundreds of posts here, i've handled my shit around the house (maintenance, improvements, reduced utility bills, etc.), i'm working on learning to game/approach women (i was a career beta), i go out and do fun things like go-carting, rock climbing, concerts, - the list goes on and on.

Read that wall of text twice and count how many times I mentioned my wife, my marriage, her affair or fucking anything remotely related to a relationship. Sometimes there's nothing left in a marriage and you just have to realize that and figure out what you want in life and who you want to be. The sooner you do that, the sooner you can start working towards it. My wife isn't coming around most likely and I'm getting a divorce and I'm okay with that - its really true MRP can fix the man and give you the relationship you want but its not necessarily going to be your wife standing next to you.

Be mother fucking attractive and certainly don't do any of it for the harpy roommate you have...

P.S. - If you are like me and it sounds like it, you are also worried about time with the kids and whats going to happen to them. you will most likely get as much time with them as you do now if not more and it will be quality time you plan. Don't stick in a relationship that is toxic for the kids they deserve better than to see their dad miserable and shitty model of a relationship.

[–]RedPillCoach0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I could have easily turned our marriage around - but not sure at all how to do it from here.

What would "easily turning around your marriage" look like now?

Am brutally attached to her

Have you read enough MRP to understand why she cut of sex? Women don't like to have sex with little boys.

Am working very hard on myself

I wonder if this is true. The wife cheated and you are still "brutally attached." Wife cuts off sex and you are still "brutally attached." What will it take for you to open your eyes and start consciously being attractive to other women? That is what we mean by "working on yourself" for the most part. What are you doing to be an attractive, masculine man?

The only possible way to "turn this around" is for you to show the wife that you can find somebody better than her. If she sees that you are happy she will try everything in her power to get back with you so she can destroy that happiness.

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (9 children) | Copy

Aswell as side bar and lifting start reading weekly oys posts to get an idea of what others are doing. Good luck

[–]olafk1[S] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Thanks man. I am actually in good shape, also made enough money in the markets to retire at 40 - so I know I have a fairly decent SMV. But somehow have been a total nice guy since the kids came - dammit!!!!!!! Anyhow - I read “sidebar” everywhere and all these abbreviations - but as stupid as it sounds - where do I exactly find the sidebar?

Thanks,

Olaf

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

also made enough money in the markets to retire at 40 - so I know I have a fairly decent SMV.

lol

[–]FoxShitNasty830 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Ok no more Mr nice guy is the book for you then and the married man's sex life primer. All available on amazon.... As for sidebar it depends just Google Reddit sidebar and I'm sure it will show you. It's different if your using a phone app.

[–]justpickanyusernameRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

If your on a desktop browser it is over here in /r/marriedredpill --->

On mobile, it is up at the top right of your screen in the three little dots under Community Info within /r/marriedrepill.

You have a lot of reading to do.

[–]SteelSharpensSteelMod / Red Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Your money will not make her panties wet, just sayin'.

[–]madali00 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is fake.

[–]wildnight98MRP APPROVED0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Dude, welcome to the real game. You have no idea how much happier you are going to be in six months, regardless of whatever happens with your wife.

[–]MrChad_ThundercockChief Autist in Charge-2 points-1 points  (0 children) | Copy

“any intel on how to turn a situation like this?”

Nope.

Get the fuck out of here faggot.

[–]Incodicent-1 points0 points  (2 children) | Copy

Go to the gym, lift. Then read side bar.

[–]Luckylancer960 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

His house is on fire and you give a cup of water as advice. He needs tsunami.

[–]Incodicent0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

And he would be capable of doing anything more without considerably fucking up more at this point?



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