Two problems

johneyapocalypse · 2018-04-09T19:56:27+00:00

Problem 1: Wife brings up divorce every week or two. It’s not serving papers, there is not suggestion of lawyers or meaningful action just a constant “we should divorce, we are so un-happy together etc., I’d be so much happier alone” - Mostly I STFU or respond that I don't want divorce or that if I get fed up we will divorce. I keep calm I don’t show butt hurt, I do my best to not feed it.

Call her on it. See an attorney. Hand her the papers.

How do you kill this, without it blowing up?

Call her bluff... unless, of course, this woman truly want this divorce, in which case you'll learn she wasn't bluffing... and you'll be rid of the bitch.

Is the only answer to not give a fuck about divorce and be ready for it?

I'd say yes if you're a dude whose wife is suggesting divorce every two weeks. My wife is a world-class pain in the ass, sometimes, but your situation seems a bit extreme.

I checked if she is cheating, I did not pick up anything.

Yah, maybe she was cheating when you weren't checking. Then again, maybe not.

The technicalities of that are that our therapy bills run at way too many Ks/month and are un-likely to slow down for many years, and on top of our own pension we need to build one for our son. Also I like my wife.

Blah, blah... life is hard.

What action can I take?

See an attorney. Every two weeks is not child's play dude.

Oh, and sidebar ----->

Edit: I may have misunderstood the therapy, son, etc. stuff - what's going on there?

FoxShitNasty83 · 2018-04-09T20:25:41+00:00

Make and show her the plans to kill the puppy, here are the outcomes.

Outome A - you show her the divorce papers and call her out. She back tracks and shuts the fuck up about it for good. Stfu carry on.

Outcome B - she signs the papers and you get a divorce. Someone else gets a turn. At this point you still have un-fucking to do before proceeding into an LTR but a fresh start will be easier.

You care about her way more than she cares about you. She has all the power right now.

red-sfpplus · 2018-04-09T20:18:03+00:00

Need more detail on this:

our therapy bills run at way too many Ks/month and are un-likely to slow down for many years,

[deleted] · 2018-04-09T20:37:14+00:00

The divorce card is a plea for attention and a sign of her emotional state of hamstering....this does assume that she really doesn't want a divorce.

Teach her to come to you with an issue and that you'll "listen" to her without the need of such dramatic theatrics. Set this as a boundary line for yourself.

As others have suggested one way this can be made to work is to call her bluff and have papers ready. You can also preempt her attempt to use it by dropping the D-bomb statement yourself in an Amused mastery way-that might scare her straight.

[deleted] · 2018-04-10T03:11:07+00:00

You're afraid to leave your wife.

Your hamster is in overdrive manufacturing reasons and rationalizations... "I like her" "My crotchfruit would be sad" "It would be tough moneywise" "She wouldn't be able to care for herself" "I get zero sex, but thats OK" "It's ok that she openly threatens divorce weekly" "thousand of dollars in therapy is worth it, whatever I can do to keep the ship afloat" "I'll just keep discussing things with her"

Your ISSUE is that you are not willing to blow it all the fuck up.

Which means you're still setting the relationship and the wife at a higher priority than your own happiness and value as a man. She knows this, so she has no incentive to change her behaviour, as you are toothless.

You're not doing this for you. So you are destined to fail.

You need to make that fundamental mindset change... wife and marriage are irrelevant.

Or you can keep dragging that plow around in circles while she whips you to go faster.

All you've done and are doing are for naught if you cannot honestly say... "I'll burn it all down if that's where this road leads."

[deleted] · 2018-04-10T09:18:03+00:00

Stopped reading after wife keeps mentioning divorce. Your wife is Kim Jong Un. She keeps threatening to nuke everyone but won't if you provide some aid to her shitty country.

ReddJive · 2018-04-10T10:49:34+00:00

What action can I take?

For you? none. You're a Faggot.

Big_Daddy_PDX · 2018-04-09T19:56:06+00:00

Based on your intense reading of the sidebar, what do YOU think your next move should be?
STFU is a simple concept, however it seems you are still able to fuck that up.
Have you ever done leash training with a new puppy? They are your best friend until you put the collar on. They complain or resist. Then when you attach the leash, it seems fine, but they are now distracted by the leash. Then when you give them the first correction they are shocked and may react, whine, or cry. The second correction yields the same. It seems as if you’ve barely found be collar for your relationship. Time to get serious without being a Rambo (and it’s possible you’re already on the Rambo program).

hystericalbonding · 2018-04-09T20:44:39+00:00

You're weak, fat, and have covert contracts.

However I’m tempted to have a talk with her about the reality of what our divorce will involve and how, if she does not find a rich papa, it is possibly going to compromise the future of our son

You can't negotiate genuine desire. That doesn't just apply to sex.

You need distance from your wife.

I’d be so much happier alone

That's her problem. She knows where to find the door.

cavalier about the future of our son

The future of your son is a bit fucked no matter what. Do you think marital discord will help him or the twins?

I have a solution - divorce, you take the autistic kid, and she can take the twins. It seems to align with your priorities. Then you'll be able to focus all your attention on him, instead of only 50%.

SteelSharpensSteel · 2018-04-09T21:02:16+00:00

Take a look at this from a feelz perspective. When she says I want a divorce, that means I want a divorce right now, because of my feelz.

I see nothing in here on what level of dread you are on.

Just kill the ego and ignore?

Yes.

However I’m tempted to have a talk with her about the reality of what our divorce will involve and how, if she does not find a rich papa, it is possibly going to compromise the future of our son, because I may have another family, and there is a material possibility we are simply not going to have the resources to assure his future. By text book this is completely useless, my problem not hers, do you agree?

You NEED TO STFU. STFU STFU STFU.

The problem is that my wife is showing more and more affection and initiates kino in daily life. However when I initiates she shuts it down very firmly.

Remember, we all have a nice card and a mean card.

Read this - https://www.reddit.com/r/marriedredpill/comments/3qplxm/the_husbands_dilemma_when_to_withhold_affection/

And then YOU tell us what you think you should be doing.

You need to STFU more, Mr "I respond that I don't want divorce or that if I get fed up we will divorce."

Chump_No_More · 2018-04-09T21:19:29+00:00

In pre-RP days the sex was more, In pre-RP days divorce did not get mentioned (except one time when we reached the lowest low).

One of two scenarios going on here:

You've gone 'Red Pill Rambo' and blown your marriage up.
You've re-gained some measure of frame, she's sensing a loss of control of the relationship and she's using 'strong emotion' as a Frame grab to reel you back in.

Do some serious introspection and figure out which it is.

SorcererKing · 2018-04-09T22:36:58+00:00

Learn about OI.

[deleted] · 2018-04-10T03:25:23+00:00

If she's threatening divorce twice a month she thinks you're a bitch. She doesn't believe you have the stones to call her bluff.

Imagine she's an employee of your successful entrepreneurial effort- and I always doubt these supposed successes because if you really are successful you shouldn't be letting anyone walk on you like this- but imagine she's a recalcitrant employee who threatens to quit and take the company secrets with them every two weeks. What do you do? Same answer business or pleasure - nut up and deal with them in a way they can't retaliate to hurt you, because they obviously don't care about you.

BobbyPeru · 2018-04-10T03:45:18+00:00

Age 34, Married 7 years, twins (3YO), Weight: 185 Pounds, Body fat: 19%, SQ: 198, DL: 220, OHP: 100, ROW: 100, BP 132.

What’s your height? All those stats are meaningless without height.

Wife brings up divorce every week or two.

Show her the door. Tell her to put up or shut up.

PM me on the therapy thing

Sepean · 2018-04-10T06:30:02+00:00

The problem is that my wife is showing more and more affection and initiates kino in daily life. However when I initiates she shuts it down very firmly.

Read up on overcoming LMR.

My initiating sex and her shutting down also triggers her bad feels that then lead to problem 1.

Of course it triggers bad feels. She can tell you're horny but then you show you don't have any followthrough by letting her shut it down.

ArticulateSavage · 2018-04-10T11:55:01+00:00

Also I like my wife.

Why? Is it because she's an awesome friend who adds value to your life? Is she on board with the mission? Is she a good Mom? Is she a passionate lover? What is there to like about your wife? Fitness enthusiast? Good cook?

Or are you afraid that you could not easily replace her?

wildnight98 · 2018-04-10T16:38:38+00:00

You're about a month ahead of me, my pilldate is October '17. I had a major improvement when I finally realized that I was not truly OI because even though I was OI about sex I was not OI about the marriage. I had good reasons why I never wanted to get a divorce and young boys just like you.

Here's the problem: she knows you don't want to get divorced. You are acting OI about a lot of things including sex, and her sexual denials aren't working the way they used to. Her threatening divorce still gets a rise out of you even if you think you aren't showing it. You need to take the stick away, which you do by getting really OI about the marriage.

How I did it was by working through exactly how getting divorced would play out and how I and the kids could thrive in that scenario. That's part of why people suggest you see a divorce lawyer, so you can get a realistic vision that will make it all less scary. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I want to get divorced now, not at all. But I am really OK with it if things don't work out. I have a plan, I have counted up the costs and all the benefits, and I have an idea of how to protect the kids from the worst of it.

Now when she threatens to end the marriage, I just act bemused or amused--but don't engage emotionally or otherwise. "Really? Whatever you want honey."

Part of the reason for your post is how much her constant divorce chatter is hurting your feelz. Delete that and two things will happen. One, you won't care when she does it and it won't hurt you. Two, she'll stop doing it (as much) because it doesn't work anymore.

I just wrote a post over in r/marriedredpill about what I've learned in six months and #9 is you can't take anything your wife says about her feelz or the relationship seriously. All this divorce chatter does not mean anything. Remember, women don't communicate to convey information, they communicate to create an emotional effect. I think you're doing fine, just dial in the OI about the marriage and you will discover real frame, which is going to pay huge dividends for you going forward.

man_in_the_world · 2018-04-11T03:48:40+00:00

just a constant “we should divorce, we are so un-happy together etc., I’d be so much happier alone” - Mostly I STFU or respond that I don't want divorce or that if I get fed up we will divorce. I keep calm I don’t show butt hurt, I do my best to not feed it.

The problem is that my wife is showing more and more affection and initiates kino in daily life. However when I initiate she shuts it down very firmly.

To sum it up: In pre-RP days the sex was more, In pre-RP days divorce did not get mentioned

One possibility is that by threatening divorce and denying sex, your wife is making a hard power play to shove you back into your beta box. Almost all the advice you've received here assumes this and answers appropriately. If you're sure this is the case, follow their advice; no need for me to repeat it here.

There's another possibility, though, that's worth considering, so let's talk through that as well: in your "red pill transformation" you're adding even less value to your wife's life than you were before as her beta servant.

A successful redpill transformation will make you a higher value man, and a higher value husband to a (sane) woman you choose to invest in.

When we say "put yourself and your mission first", and "stop the choreplay and being her beta bitch servant," we don't mean that you stop providing value to her; we're telling you that you will provide more value to a worthwhile woman through your leadership, OYS on the things where you know you contribute the most value, and by being attractive, capable, and socially engaged, than you do following her dictates as her man-servant.

When we say "STFU", "stop sharing weakness", and "stop seeking comfort and validation from your wife", we don't mean that you should stop talking with her, or act like an indifferent, emotionless robot, or disconnect emotionally with her; we mean that you'll provide much more emotional value to her as her Oak, charismatic leader, source of comfort and validation for her from a worthy man, and as a source of fun and emotional stimulation such as through teasing and flirting, than you do by emotionally engaging her as just another girlfriend but with a penis.

It may be that your wife is unhappy because you have almost completely emotionally disengaged from her. You're more of an alpha, but not her alpha. Perhaps you're a rock but never an Oak; you misconstrue STFU as avoiding talking to her; you fail to provide comfort; you mistake stoicism for indifference. Perhaps in your understandable concern for your son's needs, you have too much neglected your wife's emotional and personal needs. She may not be as strong or stoic as you, and may need more Oak emotional support from you to handle your very difficult situation with your son. You may need to provide a bit more engagement and support for your wife, even at the expense of your own efforts for your son, to enable her to give her best for him as well.

I suggest that you at least consider whether this alternate explanation may fit your situation, before assuming it's a power play by her and feigning indifference and withdrawing emotionally even more from her.

DiscardedThoughts88 · 2018-04-13T16:39:35+00:00

My wife told me the other day first thing in the morning that we should get a divorce. It came out as a small part a much larger tirade of negative/angry/frustrated comments she was spewing about her/our life in general. I just told her "ok" and then I left the house for work. My conditioning isn't rock solid yet, so in those moments before I left the house I felt the emotional reaction boiling up inside of me as it always has. Only this time I didn't let it boil over, I acknowledged it's presence and then I remembered that this was all bullshit. Just a nuclear sized shit test I told myself. I gave her my "ok" and I left.

Later that day my wife texted me to say "Sorry, I don't want a divorce, I just feel crazy today" and as I read it I gave myself a pat on the back. Then I replied "Better cancel this appointment with my lawyer."

First text I got back after that simply read "LOL" then another one came a few minutes later "Did you really make an appointment?"

I didn't reply to that one. Let her hamster run... she doesn't know if I did or didn't make an appointment. Truth be told I already had a discussion with a lawyer months ago. The idea of my wife threatening me with divorce used to terrify my feeble mind. The thoughts of things getting ugly in court, about having to fight for custody of MY children. All that nasty business.

I am no longer afraid of any of that. It was through this lack of fear about this scenario (outcome independence) that I was able to call her bluff for what it was and deny her the emotional outburst she has been so conditioned into easily provoking from me.

It's true what everyone says about the fact that as you swallow the pill and begin your path in this journey... your wife/LTR/whatever will become extremely uncomfortable. She will notice the shift, whether she is consciously aware of it or not and it will make her scared. She won't understand what it is that she is seeing and she will attempt to test boundaries and the shit tests will get bigger and bigger until she realizes that you aren't faking it. Be prepared for this escalation on her end and be aware, this will prevent you from losing your composure in the middle of it.

Stay on track and display outcome independence. STFU and DGAF.

Westernhagen · 2018-04-10T04:37:25+00:00

Also I like my wife.

It is clear that she does not like you, does not respect you, and is not attracted to you. Your iron determination to remain married for the good of your kids is admirable, but may be irrelevant. She gets a vote, too.

No sex, no respect, talk of divorce. If she is not cheating, she most likely has a candidate in mind.

However I’m tempted to have a talk with her about the reality of what our divorce will involve and how, if she does not find a rich papa, it is possibly going to compromise the future of our son, because I may have another family, and there is a material possibility we are simply not going to have the resources to assure his future.

If she is talking to lawyers, that guy is painting her an entirely different scenario. One where she gets the kids, she gets your money, and you eat ramen noodles in an efficiency and are too poor to acquire another woman.

As others have said, see an attorney and find out how divorce is likely to play out.

Ricklogical · 2018-04-10T04:09:39+00:00

Red pill behavior doesn't seem to work well on your wife or you are not properly applying it.

The outcome here is divorce and find a partner that accepts you as you want to live your life. The slow dragging pain of what is happening sounds similar to my own divorce. It took 2 years, she was affectionate constantly, but like you would shut me down for actual sex.

She loved my attention but was unwilling to pay with well behaved sex, she just star fished.

Your children will be fine, you will be fine, everything will be fine. Talking to her about the consequences IS pointless.

You have two options, revert to a more blue-pill system of living with her, by specifically talking to her about what the fuck makes her want to divorce you. Don't let her be vague or general, specifically you don't want to be fucking walked on and she wants to enjoy being there.

Did you say you are in therapy? I personally do not think that shit is ever worth it, there are just too many other fish in the sea.

If the 12 steps of dread are not fixing things then you should find your happiness elsewhere and remain friends with your ex wife. I'm sure she is cool, mine is too, we just didn't match up well there at the end, it was time for change and both of us are super happy. The bills we share we still manage, I talk to her most days about whatever.

Also remember that you could choose to separate for 6 months or a year to see how it changes your relationship. Sometimes it snaps something critical and you can move onwards.

Title	Two problems
Author	cerberusi
Upvotes	2
Comments	29
Date	April 9, 2018 7:45 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/8b1cqn/two_problems/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/two-problems.204644 https://theredarchive.com/post/204644

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