Looking for some advice as I am 28M married to 27F we will call Y. I'm 6'1, 15% body fat and workout frequently and had a high income. Iv been married for a little over a year and have been planning to quit my current job (military) since last summer which I initiated the process of quitting but it wasn't approved until April this year (was complicated). I have been stationed in Europe and my wife is a citizen of an EU country different from where I have been working.
Basically my situation is a bit confusing but my wife has slowly been having less and less sex since November and her daily attitude has progressively become worse. In the past three months there has been very little affectionate contact that isn't forced, the sex is starfish and as time goes on it has more and more restrictions. Like no blowjobs, no doggy and she is extremely controlling during foreplay/sex. This has disgusted me to where I preferred to just not even try.
Her attitude is one of constant bitchiness where she is getting offended at what I say even with jokes she thought were funny earlier in the relationship. When we are with friends she almost never talks to me unless asking me to do something, she is kind and sweet to everyone but me (even while I'm there) and she will openly criticize or roll her eyes at some of the things I say claiming that she is "preparing me for the business world" and that my comments will get me fired. I can be very crude in a social setting with my friends but this behavior was fine with her before (she claims it wasn't).
All in all I have been feeling that the man I was is slowly being chipped away, I'm constantly walking on eggshells and lack female affection which is essentially what I need most from Marriage. My wife does some household chores, makes dinner most nights and packs my lunch, does laundry and she helps some with the job search. She has a PHD in business which probably contributed to her liberal behavior more than anything.
When I first met her we shared a passion for travel which seems to be the only time she is happy anymore. When we go on trips she does most of the planning and reservations. Outside of that I am constantly reminded at how much she sacrificed in leaving her job last year to come live with me and how much she does for me. This is even though I paid for everything last year since she wasn't working and couldn't find a job. I am always reminded that she gave up her career for me.
In the last week my job finished and I am searching for my next opportunity, it's very stressful as I do not yet have a position lined up and I am changing careers. For work related reasons, I need to be in Europe until the end of the month. In that time we were going to visit her family and then fly to the U.S. together once we finished. We must fly together in order to finalize our Green Card Process. If she doesn't fly with me she can't go to the U.S. at all. Staying in Europe was also an option since she can get me a work permit but there is more opportunity in the states for ex-military.
We took a last trip with friends for the weekend of the 4th and I was generally receiving the same behavior from her. So for the last day I stopped talking and completely ignored her. I was so pissed and fed up that when we got back home I told her that I would not tolerate our sex life this way and her shit attitude. I told her that I wanted out of this. She then proceeded to twist my words into the belief that marriage should be stronger than this and we need to work it out starting with me seeing a counselor about my anger. She also told me she tried to hug me (her way of coming on I guess?) in bed but I turned her down several times in the past months. I actually felt bad by the time I went to bed that night.
We then started our trip to see her family and stopped at a festival on the way because one of her friends lived in the city. Same behavior, little talking, very distant and shit attitude with me. So on the way back to the hotel I snapped again and basically told her that I'm sick of having no sex life, that she is holding me back with her behavior and that I wish I never met her. This was pretty extreme and weak on my part. The tension of not having a job, starting a career and dealing with this shit attitude everyday built up to max capacity. Everything I said basically was twisted against me yet again. None of my issues were addressed and now apparently I have extreme anger issues and say aweful things that she claims I need to seek help for.
We continue to drive to see her family and she tells me that she wants to stay with her family at their house and she wants me to stay at one of her family's apartments in the same city (the same apartment we were supposed to stay in). This is her idea of figuring things, basically she said I need to get professional help and counseling and we can talk it over each day. She said she doesn't feel comfortable staying with me after what I said and it's my choice if I want to stay and work it out. My response was that I only have until the end of the month and this is ridiculous to separate now given the Green Card Process we have been working for the past year.
I didn't feel comfortable staying in that apartment because I felt unwelcome with whatever she was going to tell her parents about me. I had her drop me off at a hotel by the airport so I can think and figure my life out. She claims that I need to now show her a change in my behavior before she feels comfortable staying with me or flying to the US. Last night she called my dad who then proceeded to call me today and ask me what was wrong and try to convince me that I needed to apologize to her. She sent me messages today saying that I could have had a place to stay and get a work permit through her (for Europe) but I am pissing it all away with my behavior. My family and friends love my wife so she is the victim here with them as well. I'm constantly being told how good she is for me and that I should fix this. Im feeling quite alone now in this foreign city on turf.
So in summary I am sitting in a cheap motel trying to figure out what to do and am looking for advice since my emotional circuits are overloaded. Should I say fuck this and get on a plane to where my friends live in Europe? Should I go to the apartment and try to work this out for a couple weeks?I'm at a fairly low point now and am extremely angry with this situation I have created. I'm not thinking clearly and my wife has me jumping through hoops. Please give me blunt advice.
Update: I can't thank everyone enough for taking the time to comment. I really appreciate the stern, honest feedback.
Some of you mentioned that my wife is after a Green Card. This is actually something that has been a struggle because my wife prefers to stay in Europe, she always has. It was my insisting that we needed to do this to expand my career opportunity and not fuck up my security clearance.
Also, to better understand her background. She comes from a very wealthy family who owns an international business and is well established in her EU country. For instance, last year for her birthday she was gifted a house in that country.
For the divorce, we were married in an EU country and her parents insisted on the Separation of Assets Claus that was available in that country's marriage law. I was fine as it saved me the issue of asking for a prenup.
I have decided to follow the advice In the comments and am going to focus on getting out of here, my career and getting my life together.
Thank you again!