Just failed a comfort test...looking for advice

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November 16, 2016
7 upvotes

TL;DR - Wife unexpectedly asked me if I'm sexually satisfied in our marriage. No "yes", no "no"...just verbal diarrhea on my part. Would like to avoid in the future.

Context: Several days ago, I inadvertently applied some dread and the Mrs. responded as was to be expected: more passionate than usual sex, almost zero amount of bitching/shit tests, her going out of her way to please me, etc. (I'm not going to go into the details of the situation...let's just call it a combination of progress and stupidity.) I gave the episode no further attention and life went on as normal, but despite the initial unease having settled, the hamster was clearly still in motion.

Earlier today: She preps me for a question out of the blue; a long pause while she formulated her words gave me time to tease her with exaggerated concern and quips like "so how much money to you need?" Slightly hesitant and nervously amused at herself, she asked, in so many words, if I was sexually satisfied in our marriage. Giant neon letters appeared above her head spelling out "This is a COMFORT TEST!" I was completely blindsided and blanked like a deer in headlights. STFU or just leaving the room were briefly considered, but neither of those seemed appropriate. I was pretty sure I should AA or AM, though my brain and already vacated my body and took whatever frame I possessed with it.

Here are just some of the floats in the cringe-parade I uttered: answering the question with a question; turning the question back on her; exploring if this is a veiled attempt to discuss new directions in the bedroom; pointing out the logical assessment that neither "yes" nor "no" - regardless of any supporting claim - would be acceptable; explaining how I'm not currently concerned with this aspect of our relationship, but rather am focusing on myself...basically, crash and fucking burn.

I ace "do these pants make my butt look big?" and the like, but was completely lost on this one. On one hand, "no"...we're beyond starfish though it could definitely be better. OTOH, "yes"...I'm satisfied sexually given our current state. Not only is sexual satisfaction in our relationship not a high priority for me, I know I still have a lot of ground to cover in my own journey before I can expect to elicit desire from her that would result in better sex, so I wouldn't expect anything more fulfilling for the time being.

Thoughts? Suggestions?


Post Information
Title Just failed a comfort test...looking for advice
Author Chinchilla_the_Hun
Upvotes 7
Comments 32
Date 16 November 2016 06:47 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/206869
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5d7uyh/just_failed_a_comfort_testlooking_for_advice/
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Red Pill terms found in post:
DEERdread gameframehamstershit testcomfort test
Comments

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill9 points10 points  (3 children) | Copy

I'm going to go against the grain on this one. Without context it's a leap but I think it's a good mental exercise.

What would be the risk in telling her flat out? She OVERTLY asked if you were satisfied. Now she's a woman so she still is an emotional communicator.

What would have been the risk if you took the leadership position? "Babe, where are you coming from this?"

she could have answered in any number of ways:

"I feel like you're making me do weird things"

"I feel like you're in overdrive with sex lately"

"I'm worried I can't keep up"

Then maybe clarify if comfort is needed or maybe actual information? Who knows it may have been some LMR or ASD kind of thing?

I lead with my sexuality. "I'm a sexual being babe. I express love through sex." I make no excuses for it. So if she really is concerned I'm not getting enough we can address it. Somethings come down to just not being her thing or my thing. She likes to be on top, I like doggy. So as older experience partners we talked it out, and used our adult words. This came in a round about way, much like your "Are you satisfied" question.

We always say don't spill your feelings, but it's ok to actually seek information some times. It's high level shit especially when you see boogey men behind every statement. Sometimes you actually do need to find out where she's coming from. You may stumble and it may get ugly, but don't be afraid to make mistakes.

[–]RuleZeroDADRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Gotta use mouth sounds occasionally.

If one simply says "No," it's overt, honest, and actionable. We bitch about not being able to read what women are thinking, and given the chance to get the hamster running in your favor (or at least gauging her desire though her response), what does one have to lose.

Confrontation is necessary for the repeated, unspoken impasses to resolve. Stop walking on eggshells. Are you afraid of your little girl?

[–]Chinchilla_the_Hun[S] -1 points0 points  (1 child) | Copy

The whole conversation ended on a slightly sour note with her regretting bringing it up. Would it be worth returning to it with a clear head and ferreting out the catalyst behind her question?

[–]UEMcGillI am become McGill, Destroyer of Blue Pill-1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Are you guys fucking on the regular? Are you leading and moving toward the ultimate goal of Alpha provider or are you still a beta bux? Are you attractive to her?

Maybe try to initiate and reward her post coitus with a little emotional intimacy. After the fact roll over and pull her on top of you for the snuggle and tell her, "I love fucking you. What was that about the other day?"

This way you give her emotional comfort as a reward for your physical intimacy .

As follow up where are you on DEVI variety?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

"Are you satisfied with our current sex life?"

"Well...you aren't naked right now soooooooooo...."

[–]SepeanRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

On one hand, "no"...we're beyond starfish though it could definitely be better. OTOH, "yes"...I'm satisfied sexually given our current state. Not only is sexual satisfaction in our relationship not a high priority for me, I know I still have a lot of ground to cover in my own journey before I can expect to elicit desire from her that would result in better sex, so I wouldn't expect anything more fulfilling for the time being.

Alright, first of all. You can't talk rationally with your wife. Explaining the situation is pointless. You can't say "no" and then she'd give you better sex or "yes" and she'd stop getting better in bed. You get her submissive by creating attraction and leverage, and then you can communicate your desires, but outside of that the meaning of words don't matter. Words are for passing tests.

If this is a comfort test, it's an insidious one because you can hardly pass it without failing the embedded shit test. In those cases, treat it like a shit test but add a hug for comfort.

But I think it is a shit test. Your wife knows she could be kinkier in bed and that you would like it, so answering "yes" is so fucking beta. Answering "no" is also beta, because why haven't you been telling her to do the freaky stuff you like? (if you have pushed her and gotten nos then "no" is not that bad an answer)

So, treat it like a shit test.

Here are just some of the floats in the cringe-parade I uttered: answering the question with a question; turning the question back on her; exploring if this is a veiled attempt to discuss new directions in the bedroom;

These could be good, they could be cringy, it depends on what was said.

pointing out the logical assessment that neither "yes" nor "no" - regardless of any supporting claim - would be acceptable; explaining how I'm not currently concerned with this aspect of our relationship, but rather am focusing on myself...basically, crash and fucking burn.

Ok, you need to STFU. Whenever you feel the need to begin DEERing, just STFU. You will never accomplish anything with DEERing, it's a panic reaction that will only dig you into a deeper hole.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

So she spoke to you like a man and you decided to speak to her like a woman?

Why not a Let's have sex and refresh my mind to what our sex life is liek

Or, Yes, I like where we are at and more importantly I like where we are headed, I've noticed the effort you've put in to becoming my little slut and I look forward to all of our sexual adventures we're going to have.

Or, "No, but you know that."

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (3 children) | Copy

Oh the propensity women have for appearing to "take your temperature" by ramming a rectal thermometer up your ass. She knows what's up. Why let her off the hook? Now's the time to press your advantage. Show 'em don't tell 'em.

[–]Chinchilla_the_Hun[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

Our relationship as it currently stands didn't warrant the particular flavor of dread that took place. So I think my main mental obstacle was since that episode was still fresh, I was hesitant to capitalize on the situation. Otherwise, I would've been pleasantly surprised at the opportunity.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

Well when I read your post it called to mind something my brother once told me about his wife #2. He complained that she was always "taking his temperature."

In other words trying to gauge the status of the relationship and his feelings about her. Shit like making dinner reservations so they could have a "talk" about how it was "going" for each of them. He couldn't take the pressure. Looking back I see my wife did the same to me when I was neglectful (which tbh wasn't unheard of behavior for me) but using sex to do so.

The point I'm trying to make is be direct and specific but you have to follow it up with your actions.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

There may be a little bit of comfort, but there's also a whole lot of shit in this test. I get it all the time though, saying "yes" is a fail because it's beta supplication and saying "no" is a fail because it's whining and if you're not happy with sex it's your fault anyway.

I just say "there's always room for improvement" and leave it at that.

[–]Chinchilla_the_Hun[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

"there's always room for improvement"

I like that. Especially since it applies to so many aspects of life and relationships.

[–]RCMasculinity2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Responding with a 'yes, and I like where it's headed' will make her feel like both a good girl that's pleasing her man, and a naughty sex slut. Any time you can achieve both in one sentence, you are doing well.

She wants you to lead, and she wants to follow. She also wants you to be worth following.

Since I've started lifting, STFU, not DEERing, AA & AM, my sex life turned around on it's own.

Honestly I've been so busy working on ME, that she's initiated sex more often than not.

Even on her period now, which has been her traditional 'snuggle me but don't get sexy with me' time, SHE has just come up to me, grabbed me, and said, 'You've been working hard all day. Let me help you relax' she then proceeds with a combo of oral, handwork, and culminating in a pearl necklace, which she luxuriates in.

I mention all of this because I just started working on ME and everything else is starting to fall into place of it's own accord.

The other day she mentioned to me "I know our sex life hasn't been as frequent as you would like, and I know I haven't been the best of wives. I don't know what's changed, but I love it and I love you."

Translation : You were a putz before that I was not really attracted to, but now you are becoming more like the sexy guy I married and are starting to get me hot and wet again.

Addendum: I just kissed her passionately, left her breathless, and walked out of the room.

The next day I teased her a bit with very overt innuendo, that she was very receptive to. I doled it out a little here, a little there, over the course of the whole day. By the time the kids were down for the night she was wound up tighter than a spring.

I pounded the hell out of her that night. She came in less than 5 minutes (all time record for her) and had a squirting orgasm that FLOODED the bed. That had only ever happened once before, early in our relationship, and at the time had no idea what it was.

She clenched around me and had the best orgasm of her life. She was screaming my name. I thought that only happened in cheap romance novels. She begged me to come, then rode another wave of exultation as I exploded inside her.

Not trying to write Eros here. I write this to show you that with even a little application of RP what your dead bedroom and starfish sex could be like. Not the OP, just newer struggling folks in general.

Think of it as a testimonial.

[–]BobbyPeru0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I believe this is more of a shit test than a comfort test. Maybe some AM with sexual humor. " I'll show you how it is, (amused grin) and grab her for a long passionate kiss and a smack on the ass. Drop mic"

In your case, you seem to be over analyzing it, so maybe STFU is your move for now. Change the subject and give her a pat on the ass perhaps.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

My go to with these is to either AA the hell out of it. Or if I'm feeling serious answer truthfully but not fully

[–]bangorlol0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

She wouldn't ask if she doesn't already know it's shit. She was essentially asking what the bare minimum threshold is for you to not leave her for someone else. Be blunt and honest. How are you supposed to get what you want if you're not upfront about it?

[–]470_2_700_nm0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I would suggest grabbing her and saying here let me find out. And I would keep pressing after she said no, watching for the smallest hint of a smile on the corner of her lip. And if she shows that keep pressing her till you either fuck her or she gives a hard no. If the hard no comes say nothing, go work on your hobby or lift or go to work or what the fuck ever.

Your abundance mentality isn't in place, and she is trying to confirm this. You proved to her and us you are a weak little bitch in that situation.

Don't worry the beauty is here you can regroup, get it right, and get back in your frame where you belong.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

You're sprinkling alpha on it, the reason she continues to test is because your actions and speech aren't congruent.

Stop trying to please her, man up and do you already

[–]Aaren_Augustine-5 points-4 points  (0 children) | Copy

I hear ass smacking is all the rage. Mouth closed, hand flat, smacky, smacky, smack, smack.

In my house, its such a problem that my wife has had to add fortifications via squats and deadlifts. Its a downward spiral really.



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