Just failed a comfort test...looking for advice

UEMcGill · 2016-11-16T14:44:17+00:00

I'm going to go against the grain on this one. Without context it's a leap but I think it's a good mental exercise.

What would be the risk in telling her flat out? She OVERTLY asked if you were satisfied. Now she's a woman so she still is an emotional communicator.

What would have been the risk if you took the leadership position? "Babe, where are you coming from this?"

she could have answered in any number of ways:

"I feel like you're making me do weird things"

"I feel like you're in overdrive with sex lately"

"I'm worried I can't keep up"

Then maybe clarify if comfort is needed or maybe actual information? Who knows it may have been some LMR or ASD kind of thing?

I lead with my sexuality. "I'm a sexual being babe. I express love through sex." I make no excuses for it. So if she really is concerned I'm not getting enough we can address it. Somethings come down to just not being her thing or my thing. She likes to be on top, I like doggy. So as older experience partners we talked it out, and used our adult words. This came in a round about way, much like your "Are you satisfied" question.

We always say don't spill your feelings, but it's ok to actually seek information some times. It's high level shit especially when you see boogey men behind every statement. Sometimes you actually do need to find out where she's coming from. You may stumble and it may get ugly, but don't be afraid to make mistakes.

GargantuaBlarg29 · 2016-11-16T15:39:16+00:00

"Are you satisfied with our current sex life?"

"Well...you aren't naked right now soooooooooo...."

Sepean · 2016-11-16T08:41:58+00:00

On one hand, "no"...we're beyond starfish though it could definitely be better. OTOH, "yes"...I'm satisfied sexually given our current state. Not only is sexual satisfaction in our relationship not a high priority for me, I know I still have a lot of ground to cover in my own journey before I can expect to elicit desire from her that would result in better sex, so I wouldn't expect anything more fulfilling for the time being.

Alright, first of all. You can't talk rationally with your wife. Explaining the situation is pointless. You can't say "no" and then she'd give you better sex or "yes" and she'd stop getting better in bed. You get her submissive by creating attraction and leverage, and then you can communicate your desires, but outside of that the meaning of words don't matter. Words are for passing tests.

If this is a comfort test, it's an insidious one because you can hardly pass it without failing the embedded shit test. In those cases, treat it like a shit test but add a hug for comfort.

But I think it is a shit test. Your wife knows she could be kinkier in bed and that you would like it, so answering "yes" is so fucking beta. Answering "no" is also beta, because why haven't you been telling her to do the freaky stuff you like? (if you have pushed her and gotten nos then "no" is not that bad an answer)

So, treat it like a shit test.

Here are just some of the floats in the cringe-parade I uttered: answering the question with a question; turning the question back on her; exploring if this is a veiled attempt to discuss new directions in the bedroom;

These could be good, they could be cringy, it depends on what was said.

pointing out the logical assessment that neither "yes" nor "no" - regardless of any supporting claim - would be acceptable; explaining how I'm not currently concerned with this aspect of our relationship, but rather am focusing on myself...basically, crash and fucking burn.

Ok, you need to STFU. Whenever you feel the need to begin DEERing, just STFU. You will never accomplish anything with DEERing, it's a panic reaction that will only dig you into a deeper hole.

TheFamilyAlpha · 2016-11-16T12:50:08+00:00

So she spoke to you like a man and you decided to speak to her like a woman?

Why not a Let's have sex and refresh my mind to what our sex life is liek

Or, Yes, I like where we are at and more importantly I like where we are headed, I've noticed the effort you've put in to becoming my little slut and I look forward to all of our sexual adventures we're going to have.

Or, "No, but you know that."

SampsonBrass · 2016-11-16T12:49:12+00:00

Oh the propensity women have for appearing to "take your temperature" by ramming a rectal thermometer up your ass. She knows what's up. Why let her off the hook? Now's the time to press your advantage. Show 'em don't tell 'em.

cholomite · 2016-11-16T13:37:21+00:00

There may be a little bit of comfort, but there's also a whole lot of shit in this test. I get it all the time though, saying "yes" is a fail because it's beta supplication and saying "no" is a fail because it's whining and if you're not happy with sex it's your fault anyway.

I just say "there's always room for improvement" and leave it at that.

BobbyPeru · 2016-11-16T12:19:36+00:00

I believe this is more of a shit test than a comfort test. Maybe some AM with sexual humor. " I'll show you how it is, (amused grin) and grab her for a long passionate kiss and a smack on the ass. Drop mic"

In your case, you seem to be over analyzing it, so maybe STFU is your move for now. Change the subject and give her a pat on the ass perhaps.

Scurvemuch · 2016-11-16T13:07:02+00:00

My go to with these is to either AA the hell out of it. Or if I'm feeling serious answer truthfully but not fully

bangorlol · 2016-11-16T13:38:04+00:00

She wouldn't ask if she doesn't already know it's shit. She was essentially asking what the bare minimum threshold is for you to not leave her for someone else. Be blunt and honest. How are you supposed to get what you want if you're not upfront about it?

470_2_700_nm · 2016-11-16T14:12:55+00:00

I would suggest grabbing her and saying here let me find out. And I would keep pressing after she said no, watching for the smallest hint of a smile on the corner of her lip. And if she shows that keep pressing her till you either fuck her or she gives a hard no. If the hard no comes say nothing, go work on your hobby or lift or go to work or what the fuck ever.

Your abundance mentality isn't in place, and she is trying to confirm this. You proved to her and us you are a weak little bitch in that situation.

Don't worry the beauty is here you can regroup, get it right, and get back in your frame where you belong.

druganswer · 2016-11-16T17:49:32+00:00

lol. stay in your own frame.

"there are a couple of things i've been wanting to try." instead of taking her so seriously.

stonepimpletilists · 2016-11-16T13:42:44+00:00

You're sprinkling alpha on it, the reason she continues to test is because your actions and speech aren't congruent.

Stop trying to please her, man up and do you already

anythinginc · 2016-11-16T17:59:41+00:00

Chinchilla? Are you sexually satisfied in our marriage?

Your eyes soften at first, seeing her, looking at her, for what seems like the first time, in a long time. And then your eyes get that twinkle, she remembers, you used to look at her like that all the time back when you were both young. She notices the sly smile cross your lips as you get up and close the distance between the two of you. As you lean forward, your hands on the chair around her, your face now inches from hers, you say...

Let me show you baby...

And then you kiss her passionately and begin to undress her on the sofa before carrying her to bed to ravage her.

OR

She deflects and gives you some bullshit, to which you respond...

Well I guess that answers your question, I'm late for the gym, later.

That's all there is to it. Acta non verba or whatever. If you had the frame to do what you wanted in life (instead of your talky talky psychologist/therapist/liberal-arts bullshit frame) and accept the consequences this would have resolved itself in the best way possible....and either way is a huge step forward for you and your relationship.

Aaren_Augustine · 2016-11-16T07:57:00+00:00

I hear ass smacking is all the rage. Mouth closed, hand flat, smacky, smacky, smack, smack.

In my house, its such a problem that my wife has had to add fortifications via squats and deadlifts. Its a downward spiral really.

Title	Just failed a comfort test...looking for advice
Author	Chinchilla_the_Hun
Upvotes	7
Comments	47
Date	November 16, 2016 6:47 AM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askMRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/5d7uyh/just_failed_a_comfort_testlooking_for_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askMRP/just-failed-a-comfort-testlooking-for-advice.206869 https://theredarchive.com/post/206869

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