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How did I handle this tricky situation?

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August 11, 2016
7 upvotes

Hey guys,

Things have been going well since my recent fuckup, but I want your take on how I handled a situation today.

Wife gets home from work around 6:30, and we've got dinner planned. I go to the gym, planning on arriving home around 7 to start cooking (I do most of the cooking in our house, it's my thing.) I get home, she's not there, and haven't heard from her. Practicing being less of a needy bitch, so I don't text her.

At about 7:45 she calls me, she's just heading home now because she went out for drinks after work with her coworkers. Fine. I'm a little ticked off she didn't let me know but I don't say anything about it on the phone. She picks something up in my voice though, and calls me out on being mad. I tell her I'll see her when she gets home and hang up.

Minutes later I get a text from her: "You don't have to give me attitude just because I don't want to be the person sitting on their phone the whole time"

Obviously this is nonsense, I just wanted a heads up that she'd be home late because I was coordinating dinner, but I STFU and don't respond.

When she gets home I've managed to pull myself back into a good mood, but she's clearly still bitching. I joke around with her about being grumpy (I think this was a mistake, probably should have just ignored her behavior) and she mentions something about my attitude again.

Here's where I don't know if I did the right thing. I was direct with her, told her that I sounded pissed off on the phone because didn't appreciate her not letting me know what her plans were since we'd planned dinner, and that it would've been easy to send me a text and give me some heads up. I also said that I found it disrespectful and she seemed taken aback.

From there I just went right on cooking dinner and dropped it, back in a good mood, and she stayed pissy for the rest of the evening. Steak sandwiches came out good as fuck though.


Post Information
Title How did I handle this tricky situation?
Author I_Took_The_Pill
Upvotes 7
Comments 32
Date 11 August 2016 02:30 AM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit askMRP
Link https://theredarchive.com/post/207258
Original Link https://old.reddit.com/r/askMRP/comments/4x5u6t/how_did_i_handle_this_tricky_situation/
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Comments

[–]Alpha_Rising9 points10 points  (2 children) | Copy

Sounds like she intentionally didn't give you a heads up knowing it would anger you so that she could play the victim of your anger. The question is why she would do such a thing.

Maybe you need to make yourself absent more often and give her less attention. You make her dinner and she treats you like this. What a bitch.

[–]jigglydee4 points5 points  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah true, make her understand that your time is valuable man. but what OP did is decent anyway. He's managed to ignore the shit test on the phone, although not with 100% confidence, and also managed to stay off the text.

From there I just went right on cooking dinner and dropped it, back in a good mood, and she stayed pissy for the rest of the evening. Steak sandwiches came out good as fuck though.

If this is true, then good stuff mate, you didn't prolong the argument, and you didn't make a big deal out of it. Although it may have come through initially on the phone that your tushy got a little hurt, you still pulled of the DGAF and redeemed your self.

Keep working on your frame and being stoic, that way your attitude on the phone would have been perfect too.

[–]jeezydasnowman1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Cunt* ftfy

[–]redearththeory8 points9 points  (0 children) | Copy

I want your take on how I handled a situation today.

Sure, lets talk about whats really going on.

She picks something up in my voice though, and calls me out on being mad.

Her stating that you're not allowed to judge her behavior is her asserting that you're not allowed to make decisions about what is acceptable behavior. And then she continues to criticize your behavior to pressure you to accept her right to tell you what decisions you're not allowed to make.

"You don't have to give me attitude just because I don't want to be the person sitting on their phone the whole time"

You then agree with this her on this.

Obviously this is nonsense, I just wanted a heads up that she'd be home late

She then withholds the approval you need to remind you who's the beta.

When she gets home I've managed to pull myself back into a good mood, but she's clearly still bitching.

You ask her to please give you your approval back since you need it more than her respect

I joke around with her about being grumpy (I think this was a mistake, probably should have just ignored her behavior)

Women are disgusted by weakness, she feels this and has another dig.

she mentions something about my attitude again

You realize this isn't working so you try something else

I was direct with her, told her that I sounded pissed off on the phone because didn't appreciate her not letting me know what her plans were since we'd planned dinner and that it would've been easy to send me a text and give me some heads up. I also said that I found it disrespectful

This isn't a terrible response if it had been very short and had come in the first phone call. But you've already established that she gets to make the decisions, so she's a bit surprised at this

and she seemed taken a back.

You've been a bad beta so no approval for you then

she stayed pissy for the rest of the evening

That's what happened, that's how you handled it. The better way to handle it: stop making dinner plans with her because she's shitty dinner companion. Go have dinner with other people. Create a high value life and then go live it without her.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

I get a sick pleasure from calling out passive aggressive behavior, so I may not be the ideal person to comment, but this

I was direct with her, told her that I sounded pissed off on the phone because didn't appreciate her not letting me know what her plans were since we'd planned dinner, and that it would've been easy to send me a text and give me some heads up. I also said that I found it disrespectful and she seemed taken aback.

was a good response.
 
When you're done with WISNIFG, hand her a copy.

[–]I_Took_The_Pill[S] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

In the middle of it right now, really taking a lot from it.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

I'm gonna disagree here, don't give her shit. Last thing you need is her thinking you're learning how to be a man from a book

[–]I_Took_The_Pill[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I'm with you on that

[–]PersaeusRed Beret2 points3 points  (2 children) | Copy

The question is why she would do such a thing.

As Alpha_Rising asked, this is a good question? What's your answer:

  1. She doesn't respect you and does this kind of thing all the time.
  2. She did not used to do this sort of thing, but is acting strange lately?
  3. She is a complete ditz and can't handle any logistics in life?
  4. This could be an excellent example of False Flag Operation (thanks BPP) by your wife. She purposefully stands you up in order to scratch that alpha paint off and uncover her little beta.

Get an active social life OP, and make this cunt work for your attention......not the other way around.

[–]I_Took_The_Pill[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

This is the one comment I keep going back to, and I can honestly say I don't know which one of these answers is correct. I think, based on her typical behavior, that number 4 is the most likely, even if she did it unconsciously.

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (3 children) | Copy

We are now learning to live in our frame. It's important to remember that we can only control ourselves. So if she comes home late, making alternate plans, put the food on a plate and wrap it up. But the new you doesn't need a play by play cause your just that bitchin. Right ?

I would say it's important to remember we can only control ourselves and getting pissed over her going with alternate plans just tells me you got more work to do.

It's all good and you do you. Right ? You got this. Really, you do and this was a great instance of letting it go cause the new you is just that cast iron, right ? And, nothing gets you into others frames, especially hers right ?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

getting pissed over her going with alternate plans just tells me you got more work to do

Absolutely. His mood shouldnt be reactionary to her. It's still a shitty thing for her to do...but the gym is always open and he should be eating and then heading out to do more fun shit. She gets home to a wrapped up dinner and no husband.

[–]I_Took_The_Pill[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

You're right- I'm at the point where I know I shouldn't let this stuff get to me, but I can't help that it still does, so I've still got a little way to go. Fake it till you make it right?

[–]screechhaterRed Beret2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

Sit down with a pad of paper and write out "IDGAF what makes her happy. I will seek out my happiness as in I am living for me. Her needs are her responsibility " A couple hundred times.

Let me know if you have to fake it then

You do you Right ?

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

A few things:

1: What does "we planned dinner" mean? You both decided what you wanted? You said "we'll sit down together at 745 for dinner"? Did she know she was supposed to be home at a certain time to eat?

2: You said you planned on arriving home at 7 to start cooking, and at 745 she calls you. How long do steak sandwhiches take? Or did you get home at 7, she wasnt there, and then you reacted to her absence and waited for her to tell you it's ok to cook dinner now? You didnt do that did you?

 

You should have gotten home at 7, proceeded with your plan and made dinner. Proceeded with your plan and ate dinner when it was done, and then proceeded with your plan to do something productive with yourself the rest of the night. Bonus points if that thing is out of the house.

[–]cholomiteMod / BP Downvote Magnet2 points3 points  (0 children) | Copy

You offered her the courtesy of preparing dinner and attempting to wait for her so it would still be hot when she got home. She blew you off and made you wait and get hungry. If you've been lifting, you need to eat. I get it. I turn into a monster when I get hungry after working out. I get why you were angry too. You didn't handle it perfectly, but you didn't bomb either.

Here is the bottom line, your wife disrespected a nice gesture you were attempting to make. She is no longer worthy of such nice gestures. When you make dinner, you make it for yourself and let her know what time. You are the #1 priority in your life, not her. If she's not back, wrap it up and she can microwave it later. Don't be angry or upset about it. Stay upbeat and positive. She'll probably get upset when you don't listen to her, but she had her chance and she blew it.

[–]anotherswingingdick1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

At about 7:45 she calls me, she's just heading home now because she went out for drinks after work with her coworkers. Fine

not fine. She might not be cheating, but she did decide to try on a cheater's uniform to see if it's comfortable.....

don't quarrel with her or negotiate with her. Secretly start preparing an Exit Plan. As in, speak to a lawyer YESTERDAY.

You might not need to exit, but not preparing to do so - paints you as a low-self-esteem cuck.

She's obviously not worried about losing you. She probably thinks that shlumpy scaredy-cat husbands are a dime a dozen.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

Earlier in my marriage, before being completely blue pill, I had some alpha traits. I'd make plans without my wife, go have fun with my buddies, and only tell her about it afterward. I'd get home and she'd be fuming. We'd get in a big fight. I had better frame and she'd usually apologize after each fight. And then the next week I'd do a bunch of selfish crap because I wanted to. I did not give much of a fuck about my marriage. And I could do this because I knew my wife wouldn't leave me (or at least I didn't really care).

She will continue to disrespect you because she deep down knows you won't leave. And she knows that when you fight you'll get drawn into her frame and she'll win. She'll feel justified for acting the way she does.

So it's good that you were direct with her. And after you pass a bunch of shit tests, develop a strong frame, and she knows that you have other options she'll get her act together. If you're a high quality man-- and she knows it-- she'll either have to respect you or you'll walk. The key is to be high quality

[–]weakandsensitive1 point2 points  (1 child) | Copy

You sound like a bitch op.

Practicing being less of a needy bitch, so I don't text her.

Apparently you're doing a shit job because you managed to react exactly like a needy bitch would.

I bet if she would've texted you, you would've had a bitchfest about how you thought she was coming home earlier and would've tried to guilt her into coming home now.

Shit op from how whiny and butthurt you are in this post, I'd put off seeing you too and I wouldn't let you know either. Chad from accounting is super handsome and charming anyway.

[–]InChargeManRed Beret0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

I disagree that he handled it so poorly. He didn't kill it, but it could have been worse.

IMO DNGAF doesn't mean that you can't recognize disrespectful behavior. Hell yeah he should have been pissed about what she did. But his actions/reactions need to be RP oriented.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (7 children) | Copy

Looking at this, you knocked this out of the park.

  • Practicing being less of a needy bitch, so I don't text her.

  • She picks something up in my voice though, and calls me out on being mad. I tell her I'll see her when she gets home and hang up.

  • I was coordinating dinner, but I STFU and don't respond.

  • pull myself back into a good mood, but she's clearly still bitching. I joke around with her about being grumpy

  • I think this was a mistake, probably should have just ignored her behavior) NO YOU DID THIS RIGHT

  • I was direct with her, told her that I sounded pissed off on the phone because didn't appreciate her not letting me know what her plans were since we'd planned dinner, and that it would've been easy to send me a text and give me some heads up. I also said that I found it disrespectful and she seemed taken aback.

  • went right on cooking dinner and dropped it, back in a good mood

OK, after all this successful shit testing, did you get laid?

[–]jigglydee2 points3 points  (4 children) | Copy

Why should he reward her with his intimacy/sex/attention when she's being a harpy?
Guys need to reverse this, why is that he gets laid? it sounds like he should be rewarded for his efforts if he passes the shit tests.

View it this way, sex isn't the badge of honor the captain receives if he's a good captain, sex is the exemplary award the first officer receives for following orders properly.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (2 children) | Copy

My opinion, for what it's worth is based on my belief that OP is and has been firmly in her frame, or Phase one. My thinking is, this is part of his coming out party if he is trying to get out of her frame. I think, for phase one he did great.

[–]I_Took_The_Pill[S] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

I go back and fourth about this, but honestly, I think you're right. Our frames wax and wane, and I hate to admit this, but I think I spend more time in hers than I do in mine, and I'm still struggling to understand this whole frame thing...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points  (0 children) | Copy

There were some great posts on frame from u/strategos_autokrator. You might read them and also there is plenty in the WIKI. Until you get out of her frame and into yours, you are running in circles and it takes time.

[–]I_Took_The_Pill[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Yeah, I agree with you about this, I had no desire to initiate after this whole episode. First of all, it probably would've failed anyway, and secondly, that looks like: "I can be a bitch and this pussy will still try and have sex with me" which is pathetic.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Point 1: Good

Point 2: He was butthurt and she called him out. He salvaged as best he could but he was still butthurt.

Point 3: He STFU but was still butthurt because he needed to explain to us why she was wrong in assuming why he was mad (because he didnt tell her...therefore joining her passive aggressive frame)

Point 4: Bullshit. And even if he did it's the 'I'm in a good mood but she just got home and has no indication of such so my teasing looks like an all out attack' good mood.

Point 5: OP read my point 4. And you still were angry or else you wouldnt have let her have it after she bit back. You cant say "I was mad but then STFU, and then was happy but then brought it up and then told her directly". Youre trying to take out of context each of your reactions and frame them positively. As a whole though you were not in frame.

Point 6:Victim victim victim victim victim words words words. She fucked up so SHOW her your lack of time/attention. Being direct once youve lost frame doesnt stick with her.

Point 7: You got your say in so youre happy right?

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points  (0 children) | Copy

K

Edit: Yeah he was struggling with some butt-hurt. But for a newb with one month in, who has been solidly in her frame for a long time, I call it good progress. Yep he could have done better and should as he develops a solid frame. Maybe I am being just too easy on OP. :)

[–]blarggggggggggg0 points1 point  (1 child) | Copy

Steak sandwich sounds great. This all sounds fine to me - sounds like she is just pouting longer than normal so you're a little insecure - maybe pulled into her frame a tad too much. But really, a normal human would feel disappointed if they planned dinner with someone and they didn't show up. Trick is not to dwell on it or make it seem like you actually care about having her around too much.

I think sharing stuff like 'I find this disrespectful' or sharing real feelings with a woman is useless. I would pretty much just send the cool sunglasses smiling emoji to any bullshit texts like "you don't have to give me attitude" and ignore any of her pathetic displays after that.

Next time she is gonna bail PM me and I'll be over for some red meat and I'll bring the bourbon.

[–]I_Took_The_Pill[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

It's a deal blarg, although lately I've been into Rye.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

Holding frame when she's purposefully being a cunt would not be part of my tactics. There's a set of bare minimum standards to being a girlfriend, let alone wife. She failed both.

I see a Bitch Delay with my wife. The time where her hamster has yet to settle the fuck down and gets to reflecting about how shitty she's being. She can't fucking do it unless I am happy while she pouts. Which gets me in an even better mood.

Seems to be self correcting if you are clear with your boundaries. Which it sounds like you are.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point  (0 children) | Copy

What do you want? How to manipulate her out of her bad mood? How to appreciate all those things you do for her? (covert contract eh) That your time is valuable, and she shouldn't be wasting it with drinks?

Why should she? you don't



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