Q4W: Have you ever been in love with, attracted to, or pursued a man with many other women also interested in him? If so, how did you feel in this situation?

Startled_Butterfly · 2016-02-06T20:16:53+00:00

My boyfriend is always the object of female attention. How I feel about it depends on how I feel about myself. Is it swimsuit season and I feel good about my body and we had sex last night? I'm flattered that my boyfriend is objectively attractive, it's an ego boost. Am I pregnant, fat, emotional, bad hair day, or I have a pimple? I feel jealous and sad. It just really depends.

cravenravens · 2016-02-06T20:29:13+00:00

Not really, I can be insecure and that is a situation that would make me VERY insecure. I guess I always avoided that.

TheChemist158 · 2016-02-06T21:33:44+00:00

Nope, can't say I've ever been in that situation.

[deleted] · 2016-02-06T21:26:13+00:00

Oddly enough the first night my husband kissed me we hung out and talked all night because he was avoiding a mutual acquaintance that he had drunkenly hooked up/made out with (not really sure how far it went TBH) a couple times. He kept trying to let her down easy and then he'd get drunk and give in to her advances (we were in college...) He felt like a dick about it. I agreed and told him I wasn't going to let him repeat that pattern and swore to cockblock him for his own good. This led to our first real conversation even though we knew each other for years. We became exclusive a week later and she hated me- I felt bad for her because that is a really shitty timeline. I never felt like I was competing with her or needed to treat him a specific way to impress him. He was pretty transparent in his feelings for me and I was more interested in getting to know him than anything.

Now we're in our 30's and he's a tall, sweet, confident man in an industry filled with gay men, straight insecure women and straight male douchebags. He's a catch and I know his female coworkers sometimes have crushes on him. Doesn't really bother me. He often says, "people like me more after they meet you" and tells me how much better I make his life. Gay men like him too. It's just flattering.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2016-02-06T22:33:52+00:00

every man i ever loved, dated, lived with or had a crush on had other women interested in them. i dont like ugly, nerd, never been kissed, beta/omega, reddit nerds that no other woman on earth wants, or whatever is apparently inhabiting the dating world these days

dragoness_leclerq · 2016-02-06T21:57:08+00:00

Have you ever had a crush on, been in love with, been attracted to, or pursued a man who at the time of your interaction, also had other women interested and pursuing him?

I've had crushes on a handful of guys who had a lot of other women interested in them. I never acted on them -_-. Those guys stayed firmly in "crush" territory and were generally highly attractive and way out of my league anyway.

A couple guys I really liked had at least two or three other girls interested who were.....lets just say a lot more aggressive than myself. Sometimes prettier, sometimes thinner, etc.

Did you ever feel the need to do things he wanted to do in order to make yourself appear more impressive than other women in his eyes?

No, not really. I mean, are we talking like, doing things they wanted that I didn't or wasn't comfortable with? If so then, no. I didn't do anything differently than I would have had they had zero other women interested in them. My SOP is to proceed as usual and hope the guy likes me best.

demerera · 2016-02-07T00:48:06+00:00

All the guys Ive been with were conventionally attractive, sociable etc so they had a lot of women around them/after them, but I was never aware of any individual woman in particular. And Im not a very jealous person so it didnt bother me - I figure if they like someone else more than me they can leave

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2016-02-06T20:45:33+00:00

[deleted]

[deleted] · 2016-02-06T20:21:02+00:00

Have you ever had a crush on, been in love with, been attracted to, or pursued a man who at the time of your interaction, also had other women interested and pursuing him?

not since high school but crushes, yes.

If so, how did you feel during this situation? What did you end up doing? Did you ever feel the need to do things he wanted to do in order to make yourself appear more impressive than other women in his eyes?

somewhat. i didn't change my look or personality but there are probably things i avoided discussing or saying to avoid looking bad to them. i wasn't really all that popular in high school so competition seemed even harder for me; it frequently felt like i had more to make up for, so to speak. there's also the self esteem issues that can sometimes come with growing up and going throughhigh school in general.

i had kind of accepted that i was just a shy person by that point, though, so it wasn't horrible or particularly confusing. i also knew the women they typically dated or said were cute, and i didn't fit the profile regardless of my feelings. i still talked to these guys in class and enjoyed their company so it wasn't a total loss. it wouldn't surprise me if i knew on some level that we weren't compatible though; a lot of them had much different interests than i did.

OfSpock · 2016-02-06T21:14:08+00:00

Probably the opposite. I started being friendly to a guy in my class. It was a class of thirty so even though he was my type I was proceeding slowly. Apparently rumour got around and another girl in my class asked me if we were dating. I said no and within two weeks, they were.

I wasn't surprised, I thought she liked him. They were still together last I saw them.

sublimemongrel · 2016-02-06T22:42:25+00:00

Yes. In fact my husband dated (and I used "dated" as a loose term) 3 of my friends before we started dating (I dated one of his friends prior to us dating as well). Of the group dynamic in my college circle of friends, there were probably 3 guys to every one girl, and he generally got more attention than the other guys.

Now terms of your questions, I may have had a crush on him, but I didn't actively seek his affection when he was dating/sleeping with other women. And I never felt I had to "compete" against the other women who clearly liked him.

That being said, when we were both single, we started hanging out one on one as friends. We both knew where it was heading I think.....

I don't think, per se, that the fact that he was pursued by other women was what made him attractive to me, if that's what you're asking, but his confidence certainly did. Since confidence is an attractive trait for many women, I can see how it could look like he was more attractive because of that, but really I think the women pursuing/seeking attention from him, myself included, we're just attracted to same traits that he had. I don't think I really did anything to make him more attracted to me than the others, I mean we were both single, and we both liked each other and it developed from there. I think when we were "just friends" we both were probably "pursued" in subtle ways by other people, but we choose to ignore it because we were both interested in each other.

speltspelt · 2016-02-06T23:00:56+00:00

I've never been in this situation.

ChaosRedux · 2016-02-06T23:03:31+00:00

The guy I lost my virginity to, now my best male friend (other than my boyfriend). The night I met him I was explicitly told to stay away from him by the girl I was going out clubbing with, cause she had a thing for him. I had never met him before and figured it wouldn't be a problem because she historically had a taste for guys I pretty much exclusively found hideous.

Cut to - in line for the bar, friend had ditched, and I was talking to a random guy in line, getting on pretty well with him. We get inside, dance for awhile, make out a bit. We both go off and have our own fun, saw him dancing with lots of other ladies, but we ended the night hanging out together amid plenty a jealous stare. Found out later he was the guy I was supposed to stay away from. Friendship with the girl dissolved for this and other reasons, he and I became best friends and on-and-off fuck buddies for the next 5 years between his LTRs.

I was totally aware of how objectively attractive he was the entire time. I didn't particularly care, because I had options and he was one dude who I certainly wasn't looking to get tied down to, nor did he seem the type to be tied down. I was just myself, which I'd say worked out pretty well.

[deleted] · 2016-02-06T23:57:57+00:00

Nah. I am not competitive in that sense. I do the ovaries before brovaries.

[deleted] · 2016-02-06T23:59:32+00:00

Yes, most of the men I've pursued and dated have been surrounded by flocks of hot women.

If so, how did you feel during this situation?

Sometimes neutral, sometimes like cutting a bitch, depending on her personality. If she's a sweetheart and nice to me, I have no problem with her; hell, we'll probably be friends.

Did you ever feel the need to do things he wanted to do in order to make yourself appear more impressive than other women in his eyes?

Not really. I'm always trying to be my best self and improve, so additional competition doesn't really sway me much.

[deleted] · 2016-02-07T00:41:24+00:00

Mr. Arthur gets a lot of attention when we are out. He is tall, in good shape, and good-looking. He also dresses like a grown-up; there have been times that we have been at a nice restaurant and he is the only guy in a jacket and tie, and he looks damn good in a jacket and tie.

If so, how did you feel during this situation?

It... doesn't really impinge upon my emotional state? I don't really feel any way about it. I notice it if a woman is being flagrantly obvious about checking him out, but I am the least jealous person in the universe. Doesn't bother me.

What did you end up doing?

Continue about my business, whether it be navigating Costco, drinking a French 75, or raking leaves in the front yard while some lady jogger "asks him for directions."

Did you ever feel the need to do things he wanted to do in order to make yourself appear more impressive than other women in his eyes?

Never.

To forestall Rymski's questions: I have been with my husband since I was 21, and before that I went to a women's college and had no relationships or hookups of any kind. I was a study grind in high school, so didn't spend much time mooning over boys. My boyfriend senior year was a weird and quirky composer, and other girls weren't terribly anxious to spend time with him. So my husband is really my only experience being with or longing for a guy who attracts attention from other women.

PollaTronante · 2016-02-07T03:13:29+00:00

A girl at my boyfriend's school was infatuated with him. He found her advances annoying but was too nice to tell her off, besides ignoring her constant messages. At one of their end of the year parties, several of her male and female friends tried to convince him to cheat on me with her. I just found it annoying and kind of sad.

downunderit · 2016-02-07T04:37:06+00:00

Have you ever had a crush on, ~~been in love with~~, been attracted to, or ~~pursued~~ a man who at the time of your interaction also had other women interested and pursuing him

yes

If so, how did you feel during this situation? What did you end up doing?

crushed from a distance. Stayed the fuck away from them cause I hate players and was horribly insecure as a teenager. Ignored their advances. Occasionally dirty danced whilst drunk but I never had sex.

Did you ever feel the need to do things he wanted to do in order to make yourself appear more impressive than other women in his eyes

nope. I avoided those guys. I was very much wanted by a lot of guys and I was to insecure to do much about it so just ignored my tingles and played video games.

solarlexus · 2016-02-07T07:31:12+00:00

Had a crush, he pursued me and said I stood out from all the other women because I was hard to impress. Other women would titter at every joke he made, touch him while talking, etc. It got annoying when we were a couple but I've never thought trying harder to please a man would make him more interested.

artichokess · 2016-02-08T00:43:15+00:00

yeah in like...middle school? there aren't many environments where it's easy to tell that others are interested. there have been a couple of times when i've been interested in someone at a bar/party and after flirting a little bit, if they seem to have grabbed the attention of someone else and are engaging with them, i back off and let them be.

If so, how did you feel during this situation?

the only feeling i've experienced in this scenario is rejection. if and how much that hurts depends on if i was emotionally invested or not. it's only hurt once - when someone i had a crush on told me he had a girlfriend. all the other times it was just a downer on the ego, but most times temporary. i have yet to experience jealousy.

What did you end up doing?

with the exception of the guy i had a crush on, i didn't do anything. with that one guy, i continued to talk to him as friends, but never crossed that line.

Did you ever feel the need to do things he wanted to do in order to make yourself appear more impressive than other women in his eyes?

i might do things he wanted to do because i was going with the flow and trying to be agreeable, not because of trying to look better than other women. if other women appeal to him more, he should go for them.

coffeedynamics · 2016-02-06T21:41:58+00:00

No never. I've had multiple guys pursuing me but never the other way around.

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