SOS. I’m failing as a wife.

carasaurus · 2018-05-21T07:05:17+00:00

A lot of why I believe in trp ideas is from growing up in a household where the balance was all wrong. When I was 11, Dad left his job in April. In October, I was diagnosed with cancer. It was GREAT that he could be the parent that stayed with me in the hospital because he was a ROCK who could sit through IVs and vomit and me screaming in physical pain, bad news, and he never fell apart. His reaction when we got the news vs my mom's reaction were just 2 totally different people. She would fall apart and start crying, and that wasn't making me feel any better that I was going to make it through it. He was very action oriented, "ok, so what are we going to do about it?" I was so glad to have dad there & NOT Mom.

It wasn't like he DIDN'T work that year, but he did odd jobs so he could be at the hospital when needed. He went from being the steady financial provider to power washing parking lots and doing a commission sales job. He was out all night power washing parking lots for a night and they decided at 8am I needed a 12 hour long emergency surgery. He didn't complain that he had to work all night, he came to the hospital and stayed awake until I woke up. In my eyes, he will always be my hero. As a wife now though, I kind of understand the stress that that year put on my mom to have to BE the steady financial provider & make sure the bills were still gonna get paid, I was still going to have health insurance to be able to go to the doctor & my brother was still going to get fed and clothed and taken to school. It was hard on her, too.

When I got out of the hospital is when I really started seeing the effect of that at home. I would be out of the hospital but still not able to go to school, Dad would be sleeping. She would just come in and start yelling at him, "I WORKED ALL DAY AND YOU'RE ASLEEP, YOU LAZY PIECE OF SHIT. YOU DON'T PAY BILLS OR PROVIDE FOR THIS FAMILY" AND just completely go off on him, all this happening where me & my 8 year old brother can hear it.

I resented my mom for her attitude for a long time, and my dad would tell me, sometimes he didn't go make sales calls for his sales jobs because he didn't even have enough gas to put in the truck to drive to sales. He's like if your mom would have just put a tank of gas in my truck and tell me to go make sales, that she believed in me and I could do it, I would have gone out and done in. Instead of being constructive and asking how can I help you help this family, she had to come at him telling him he was a lazy piece of shit in front of his kids.

I didn't want that marriage. I didn't want my kids to grow up like that.

I married my husband when I was 21, he was 22 years old. He was fresh out of college with a film degree, couldn't find work in the film industry. He got a $10/hr retail job, we lived with a roommate. I made more than $17/hr so I was our primary breadwinner. I made it a point to still try to lift him up and let him know I supported him, even if he made less than me. Five years later, he OWNS 3 of those retail businesses. I don't work outside the home at all. If I had spent the first year of our marriage telling him he was a lazy piece of shit, where would have been his incentive to make that life happen for me?? For us?

Just think long term. Be the kind of wife that would be married to the kind of husband you want your husband to be. :] be the kind of wife you would want your kids to grow up with as their example of a wife.

Austinisfullgohome · 2018-05-21T08:57:25+00:00

Quickest way? Shut the fuck up. Trust. And be grateful.

STFU allows you to stop taxing arguments and nagging before they even start. Have you heard that old joke? Woman goes to the doctor explaining how her husband loses his temper constantly, and she’s scared. Doc tells her whenever he gets angry, to swish a mouthful of water until he calms down. She goes back to the doctor and tells him it’s a miracle! He’s never angry anymore! But she wanted to know how the swishing helped. The doctor said, “Swishing does nothing, it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick.”

Next time you feel an impulse to speak—unless it’s immediately important—just don’t say anything. Wait a bit, actually think about what you’re going to say and think about how it sounds. Literally bite your lips if you need to. Has he ever stopped on his way home and, say, picked up something you needed? But when he got home you realized it was the wrong thing? I bet your first impulse is to point out his mistake, loudly, in front of whoever may be present. How would that make you feel? I bet you wouldn’t be so eager to help out next time, would you? How do the things you say make him feel? Have you ever even considered that?

How often do you thank him for taking out the trash or mowing the yard or picking up dinner? Do you just expect these things from him? When was the last time you told him he looked handsome? Do you laugh at his jokes? Do you trust him or are you so scared of losing control that you micromanage him? You have to trust him. If you can’t trust him, you shouldn’t be with him. Next time he makes a decision and you feel like it’s the wrong one, ask yourself if he would ever make a decision that would knowingly harm you two. If that answer is no, STFU and let him lead. If that answer is yes, then you need to reassess your relationship.

At least you’ve got some self-awareness about the situation, so you’re on the right path. It has nothing to do with a “carousel”. Just stop operating on autopilot and take control of your actions. Once it becomes habit, you’ll wonder how you were ever such a bitch in the first place.

NorrisChuck · 2018-05-21T11:52:29+00:00

Stop following feminist logic. Be more traditional. Look for help in older couples.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2018-05-21T11:10:54+00:00

Step one is easy. Stop being prideful and admit your faults. Second is working on them. It will be worth it.

NT_ThirtyNine · 2018-05-21T06:08:46+00:00

Maybe read For Better or for Best, by Gary Smalley. The author comes from a pretty religious perspective so idk if that's your game, but the concepts are the same.

I haven't read it but I read the men's companion book. "If Only He Knew" which is a book for husbands about fixing their marriage and understanding their wives.

If Only He Knew, was a book about rising to the responsibility of being a man. Being a provider, and a driver for your house, and your wife. It discussed men/women and the nature of relationships in a very honest red pill way.

So while I haven't read the companion "For Better or Best" I expect it to follow suit.

LateralThinker13 · 2018-05-21T14:51:17+00:00

Read Fascinating Womanhood (google the free pdf). Easy read, and it tells you EXACTLY where most women go wrong in precisely this kind of scenario, and how to fix it.

carasaurus · 2018-05-21T11:45:47+00:00

Thank you all for your advice. It is very helpful and I know you are all right. I apologized and here’s what I said:

“Okay. I’ve thought a lot about this. You’re right. I haven’t been the kind of wife I want to be or the type you deserve. Further, I am not acting like the type of wife that I want to model to my children and that kills me. I know my mouth is the biggest problem and I’m going to sincerely work on thinking before I speak. I’m sorry, I love you. I want to do better.”

This man is an amazing husband and father and busts his ass working to give me the life that I want. I suck and sometimes (most times if I’m being honest), would rather “win” than do the right thing. Ughhh. I hate even admitting that.

WhatIsThisAccountFor · 2018-05-21T22:29:56+00:00

he’s right, but I obviously didn’t admit that because I’m too prideful

This is your problem. First step is go back and acknowledge that he is right. Tell him that he is right and that you are wrong. Apologize for being a bitch.

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. If you don’t think you will never make any progress, and your marriage will fall apart.

organicsunshine · 2018-05-21T23:22:14+00:00

I have a different take. I think this is a result of lack of trust, of true submission. You developed an attitude of questioning which he percieves as disloyal. He wants you behind him 100% without question. It is hard for women who have been wronged to accept authority in their own lives. You can decision guard and give thoughts without being a contrainion. You can question without disagreement. It goes to the golden rule "It's not what you say but how you say it."

Great advice here. Everyone is helpful and this is why I love this sub. Good luck.

Rivkariver · 2018-05-21T16:55:03+00:00

Maybe you’re scared that if you submit, you’ll get hurt and be weak and a failure. That’s what we are told. But it’s actually very empowering and it’s a strong choice to be submissive. Do it for your own peace of mind and happiness and the marriage will follow.

carasaurus · 2018-05-22T11:46:45+00:00

“you want a better marriage, a better sex life, a better husband...fucking lift me up for once

stop waiting on me to be perfect. be a kind, loving, loyal, submissive wife even if i dont deserve it. dont threaten me with these walls and other bullshit.”

Ouch! That gave me flashbacks of the same kind of anger except from women.

I’ve been unkind bitch of a wife

You both have problems communicating in a non-hostile way and one person has to take the step forward to change the tone of things, which is you. I'd recommend reading How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Also, I'd guess what you are both doing is protesting each other and confusing that kind of talking with connection and being constructive, when the protesting is disconnection. Actual connection always requires showing humble vulnerability, and it will be extremely uncomfortable, but if you keep showing humble vulnerability in an established relationship, it sets the example for mutual humble vulnerability which will grow that relationship; but in the short term it can also make someone freeze or withdrawal, because abnormal authenticity is terrifying to people, and this is how I use my dentures as a weapon. So the key is to keep humble vulnerability consistent in your relationship which will confuse and terrify your husband.

loneliness-inc · 2018-05-22T16:12:16+00:00

How do I quit the power struggle and just be a better wife?

Step 1 - start acting like the wife you want to be. Start acting with respect. Start being more loving and caring towards him.

Step 2 - when you realize that you messed up, take ownership, take responsibility, apologize and be extra loving and caring to compensate.

pinkwaff1e · 2018-05-23T12:04:45+00:00

I'm surprised no one's mentioned Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle yet! I think you'd relate and enjoy it a lot!

PatriarchysConcubine · 2018-05-23T03:15:19+00:00

Same boat.

Just keep trying to practice introspection and alter your behavior when you notice it happening. Be honest and apologize when warranted.

There's a LOT to undo. At least for me.

gingerpillage · 2018-05-25T20:43:59+00:00

A village elder realizes they need to move to a new area. They have two choices, one area has lots of food, but lots of predators and not much water. Another area is safer but a lot less food and some water. No situation is ideal, the elder has to choose between two bad options, which option is the least bad?

That is what your husband is doing constantly, he is evaluating what's good for him but might be bad for you, whats bad for him but might be good for you, and/or what's bad for you both but might be good for your relationship.

Either way the tribe has to deal with the decisions that are made instead of thinking they know better. or they could choose to live in "should have could have would have" land.

that magical place where the grass is always greener on the otherside, where you get to have a revolt, promise paradise then realize life sucks no matter what you do.

another point is that its ok, even beneficial to admit your flaws and share with your husband what you said here. the best part about being married is that you are painfully aware of each others flaws and are the best people to help each other overcome them.

Title	SOS. I’m failing as a wife.
Author	carasaurus
Upvotes	30
Comments	52
Date	May 21, 2018 5:01 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8kydjt/sos_im_failing_as_a_wife/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/sos-im-failing-as-a-wife.2850 https://theredarchive.com/post/2850

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