For those in LTRs or Marriage, was the spark, ‘butterflies’ , feeling always there?

Mulkvistee · 2019-10-28T23:41:51+00:00

Both? The chemistry part hasn't gone away fully, it's just generally triggered by something rather than always present. Certainly not at distracting levels. Calmer feelings definitely grow with the passage of time, the more you've been through together and history built etc.

Edit: married 10 years, together 12 fwiw

Texastentialism · 2019-10-28T23:48:00+00:00

When I first read your title I thought you were asking if the spark was there initially or if it grew over time. But it looks like you're sort of asking the opposite - whether the spark that was there in the beginning persisted throughout the relationship.

My attraction to my husband was immediate from the moment I met him, and I spent the next year nursing an all-consuming crush until we finally got together. I would rearrange my entire life and schedule just to see him for five minutes. I felt like I was going crazy. Then we started dating and things didn't really change much; every moment I spent apart from him was just filler until I got to see him again. It's all I thought about. A year into our relationship I made the most impulsive, unlike-me decision of my life, quitting my job, uprooting and moving to a new city without a plan just because he wanted to.

After a year or so of living together we settled into a more comfortable place and I no longer felt like a brain damaged lunatic, which is good. If the honeymoon phase lasted forever no one would get anything done. It's not meant to last forever.

We've been together seven years and married two. The crazy passionate butterfly stage is long past us. We've been through a lot of shitty grown-up stuff like the death of a parent, unemployment and infertility. Our bond is much more stable and sure. I worry about him dying now, rather than him cheating or leaving me. It's a different, less hysterical type of attachment. But we still have strong physical attraction and chemistry. I'm still genuinely excited to see him every day. I'm still 100% sure he's my person. If you don't feel that way about this girl, you shouldn't stay with her. But if you're just worried about the crazy intense butterfly puppy love feelings going away, that will happen with anyone on a long enough timeline.

Atlas_B_Shruggin · 2019-10-29T00:17:38+00:00

all my relationships start with mentally ill love/limerance/bpd insanity

fuck a build up love over time lol

goatismycopilot · 2019-10-28T23:56:47+00:00

The way I remember it no, the butterflies fly away. Being in a heightened state of love/lust/super awareness of time and space in the presence of that person sounds like a great idea but it is draining. The intense feeling you had for your ex will eventually seed doubt big doubt in your current relationship and either you will break up with her to chase your ex thinking you can repeat the intense feelings you had but it will never happen or she will suddenly tune in to the awareness that you are carrying something and break off with you.

The intense feelings you seek never last but despite this some people waste their entire life chasing a version of that and they are satisfied for very short time periods.

You might be one of these people who can never reconcile any of this.

i_have_a_semicolon · 2019-10-28T23:45:06+00:00

Haha. I convinced myself I must have had butterflies for my husband when I met him I just didn't know it at the time. Comparing year 7 to year 1 you certainly get that sense that things were more exciting and unknown in the beginning.

But at the time, year 1 I mean, I didn't think I had "butterflies", why ? Because my LTR of 3 years had just ended before I started being with my now husband. And not just any LTR. First love. It was firey. So many butterflies! I was exhilarated. I loved him so hard , idk why even, lol. But yeah. I realized it was the newness of love in general that made me feel that way - not him - just the fact that he was my first love. (Not even close to first sex tho).

So yeah. Back then if you would ask me id say there weren't butterflies bc I'd be comparing the feelings to that with my ex. But I know the feelings were only there because he happened to be the first to provoke them in me. I love my husband much more and eternally than I ever loved my ex. The bodily feeling of love, or rather, the excitement of falling in love did not even register. Only looking back do I get "butterflies" about my husband thinking about our firsts. Look back my nostalgia convinces me the feelings that i didn't know i was feeling because they are memorable. I couldn't even tell you besides the first kiss and first hanging out with my ex, how I felt in our relationship.

Rambling story short: yes, your love over time with someone will grow if that person is right. Yes, if you've loved before it's not likely you can love that way again, the newness is long gone. But that doesn't mean something bigger and better does not await. It also doesn't mean that those butterflies don't exist, just because you don't feel them in your chest and stomach like the first time, they exist because SHE is still NEW to you, its only the FEELINGS that aren't. Once you're several years down the road, shes not NEW anymore and you can really look back upon these beginning times and appreciate them for what they are.

Barneysparky · 2019-10-29T00:54:54+00:00

I had the feeling my husband was the one even before we spoke. At first, I wondered if I even like the way he looked as he wasn't quite my looks type but I was inconceivably drawn to him.

We've been married for 20 years. He is by far the sexiest looking man on the planet.

2019-10-29T04:33:41+00:00

Nope, I didn't think much of him beyond that he was friendly and kind when we first met, but there were legitimate reasons. We had very different perspectives regarding what I thought were critical relationship components. I was also getting over a previous love interest. I developed a spark several months after meeting him, but well before we became a couple. Since that point, I've never seen myself without him and I have grown more attached to him over time. We still have amazing chemistry. However, the butterflies have faded. Not an issue IMO, because let's face it: "butterflies" is just a nice way of saying the urgency and anxiety associated with new relationship energy. I already have issues with anxiety, I don't need my partner to be another source of it. Edit: married 10+ years.

PennnyLame · 2019-10-29T05:32:54+00:00

My feelings grew stronger over the first few months... even over the first year. He was a hard nut to crack but I fell for him very hard once he let his guard down. After 14 years, chemistry is always there. I always love him very much. Sometimes- I also have a giant crush on him. It comes in waves. I just enjoy the happy, chill love until the crush wave hits again.

strangelovesglasses · 2019-10-28T23:45:19+00:00

i’ve been married for almost 6 years, the passion dies down but gets replaced for a more stable kind of love.

Reisiluu · 2019-10-29T04:00:20+00:00

The butterflies where there in the beginning but were replaced by other feelings later.

If you were not together with your ex for years then you only know how new relationship energy feels like with her. No woman can bring you those feelings your whole life.

J_Milton_Jr · 2019-10-29T07:37:32+00:00

I had 3 important relationships and in all three it was pretty similar. I have seen a man and thought to myself "I want exactly this one there, all to myself."

I look at him today and still think "I'm glad he's mine" if we get on well with each other, it's more of a pleasant realization that I have a really great man and that I made a good decision, thats what makes me happy and satisfied.

reluctantly_red · 2019-10-28T23:55:09+00:00

If chemistry isn't there on the first date it's never going to be there. If it's strong it stays -- even when you're starting to hate her -- angry sex can be pretty damn good.

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wtknight · 2019-10-28T23:44:26+00:00

My feelings grew stronger both times as time went on. I wouldn't worry about not having some "she could be the one" feeling. However, if you don''t ever feel in love with the person, then it goes without saying that you shouldn't get married.

yasee · 2019-10-29T04:13:09+00:00

I definitely had chemistry with my husband from the start but overall my feelings are much stronger now than when we started out. over a long enough time period though there are always gonna be peaks and valleys in terms of butterflies. that used to freak me out, now I recognize the pattern (and I know some strategies for jumpstarting it when we're in a lull)

twa1988 · 2019-10-29T07:38:57+00:00

[deleted]

diffdedbed · 2019-10-29T11:19:46+00:00

I wasn't convinced my wife was the one for at least the first 6 months. I was so unsure I thought of breaking it off but I knew she was in total love and didn't want to hurt her. It worked out quite well.

geyejoe7 · 2019-10-29T12:53:50+00:00

My particular situation is different.

I met my now LTR gf in a mutual friend group.

A girl from school invited me and 2 other people from class (that I was close with) to her vacation home, and to meet her 3 friends.

One of them was my now gf. She met a dude in the train on her way to the vacation home so I was out of luck. But I didn't have any sparks with her, other then I thought she was really cute.

And over time, 3-4 weeks later, we all went together to a beach house.

There I got closer with all of the people.

Turns out it didn't work out with that guy from the train, and I took the chance and asked her out. Long story short, we spent a couple night sleeping next to eachother, went on 3 dates when we got back to our town and I asked her to be with me.

I didn't always have feeling for her. But I love her more and more each day. I don't know what I would do without her, and we laugh at all the pictures that were taking before we were together.

DubsPackage · 2019-10-29T13:43:31+00:00

Butterfly feelings are at the beginning of a relationship and taper off, replaced with more homey feelings of warmth, companionship and familiarity.

It's basically just anxiety/love mixed together, "the new car smell."

Title	For those in LTRs or Marriage, was the spark, ‘butterflies’ , feeling always there?
Author	twa1988
Upvotes	9
Comments	45
Date	October 28, 2019 11:29 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/PurplePillDebate
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/comments/dohen5/for_those_in_ltrs_or_marriage_was_the_spark/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/PurplePillDebate/for-those-in-ltrs-or-marriage-was-the-spark.293136 https://theredarchive.com/post/293136

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