Getting over the blackpill

I’m a 21-year-old man, currently in my final year of studying in a STEM field and applying to PhD programs. I come from a traditional upper-middle-class Indian-origin immigrant family (read: arranged marriage) so growing up I had little conception of what dating or relationships looked like. My parents emphasized studying over all else, and would berate or spank me if I failed to make “good” grades. I had little involvement in sports, socialization, or anything not in the service of getting into a top university.

My first (albeit, indirect) exposure to blackpill/incel ideology came in high school, when I fell in with a group of (exclusively male) “friends” who would berate and harass me almost every day, along with considerable blackmail. I was routinely mocked as “autistic”, “low-IQ”, “genetically inferior”, and a “n*gger”, denting my self-esteem and grades—which in turn led to further ire from my parents.

Though I did eventually make it into a “top university”, I did so with no social skills or self-respect. I found another toxic group of (again, exclusively male) who continued to degrade me, and later began a months-long campaign of sexual harassment—online at first, and eventually physical. By the time I cut off this toxic group as a sophomore, I suffered from routine panic episodes and began to deeply question my masculinity.

As a coping mechanism I did the only thing I knew—redouble my effort in academics. I managed to rise to nearly the top of my class, and publish my research in scientific journals. Without consciously realizing it, I developed an extremely disagreeable personality—picking needless fights with my peers, intimidating students new to the field with strong opinions and language, not so much asking questions as giving orders. My panic episodes—with the attendant heavy breathing and increased heart rate—certainly added to the unpleasantness.

While I didn’t approach women for dating throughout my freshman and sophomore years, I was nevertheless rather unpopular among them. I realize in retrospect that my behavior (unintentional though it was) was the hallmark of a pseudo-confident TRP “alpha”, rather than a truly high-value man.

As I earned actual achievements in my field, and my panic attacks waned, I became more secure and began to seriously work on my personality. I made my first close female friends at the age of 20. I asked out a girl for the first time at nearly 21; I was rejected, but with utmost kindness and consideration. This motivated me to improve myself; I grew a beard and hit the gym hard, in addition to continuing work on my personality and demeanor. Six months later, I’m seen (within my major community, at least) as someone interesting, accomplished, humorous, and reasonably physically attractive. For the first time in my life I enjoy substantial female attention.

Inside though, I still grapple with insecurities from my past. If my past insecurities are ever exposed (either through a slip of tongue, or by others looking to settle old scores), I instantly become less desirable. Worse, I often sabotage myself with women who do take an interest in me (romantically, or otherwise), for fear of fulfilling the stereotype of the short, poorly socialized creepy Indian programmer. (Case in point: the first girl I asked out, who didn’t see me romantically, invited me to a club meeting months later, and generally seemed to want to be friends, but I didn’t go for fear of being seen as "excessively persistent”.) How do I purge the last of this blackpilled nonsense from my mind and move on with a normal and fulfilling social life?

Here’s my opinion on various aspects of redpill/blackpill:

• Looks definitely are a major factor in attraction, however there’s substantial latitude for improvement at the gym. Looks also aren’t necessarily graded on a curve (“muh 80-20 rule”), and I believe that most people can be physically appealing. Looks are also not the solution to every problem: I have seen many a “6 foot white guy” fail due to their own inhibitions or boringness.

• To the extent that looks do matter too much, it’s because people (men and women) are social climbers and seek status by association. After my personality improved (and especially before I worked out), certain segments of women would often rebuff me or view me as an annoyance even though I was just trying to establish a rapport. The best way to avoid such people, imho, is to see how they treat less-than-attractive members of the opposite sex.

• TRP emphasizes frequent casual sex, but I view it as no measure of my achievements. I want a relationship with someone I care about, and that is a goal in itself rather than a proxy for some insecurity. Online dating is a waste of time, see previous point.

• The “alpha/beta” paradigm is rather flawed. Sure women look for men who are physically appealing, humorous, and well-respected in their social circles, but also someone who is kind, caring and secure. The slightest whiff of the unexpected, wannabe “alpha” behavior from my past throws women on guard, and only appeals to women (and is acted out by men) without strong male role models.

• Coming from a background of arranged marriage—where the only things that matter are the man’s earning potential, the woman’s physical beauty, and the wealth/status of both families—I do somewhat harbor the fear of being wanted not for who I am, but for the resources and stability I provide. If I don’t get my act together soon, I fear a future of expensive dates and gifts for someone who doesn’t really desire me (indeed, may only see me as a way of improving their social and financial position), rather than physical and emotional intimacy with someone I find attractive, intelligent, and caring.