Mr. Right vs Mr. Wrong. Feel free to add more points in the comments

IrritatedMango · 2020-10-20T14:29:04+00:00

Communicates regularly and doesn't use equality as an excuse to be douchey.

swatir24 · 2020-10-20T16:09:44+00:00

Is kind, not just to you but to everyone in his life.

blueveinnoble · 2020-10-20T19:13:13+00:00

HVM: Holds your comfort and safety in high regard. He views your concerns as valid and does his part to mitigate them.

Everday example: parking closer to the entrance so you don't have a long way to walk (in heels, during a hot day, in the rain or snow).

CoffeeBeforeAdulty · 2020-10-20T16:27:25+00:00

Helps you as a way of just making your life easier, not just because he wants something.

Apricot_Ibex · 2020-10-20T22:38:22+00:00

I love these lists. I’ve also been thinking a lot lately about covert narcissism, especially in light of the Chris Watts murder case. Before he strangled his pregnant wife and precious toddler daughters in cold blood, to the outside world at least, he showed more “green lights” than red. People who knew them were shocked, speechless that someone like him could do this.

He helped out around the house and he interacted regularly and (seemingly) lovingly with their daughters, probably more than a lot of dads. He didn’t shout or speak cruelly to his wife, Shanann. He didn’t appear controlling or cut her off from friends and family. He seemed to be very much in love with her, in the beginning, at least. Apparently this was enough for many delusional people, people who never even knew them, to blame Shanann for his murder spree and claim he was “abused” and “emasculated” by her and that he just snapped.

In reality, he had been gaslighting Shanann for quite some time. Chris’ actions didn’t really match his words. He grew apathetic, uninvolved, cold, and increasingly passive aggressive. He told her he wanted a third child, then backed out of it after she was already several weeks pregnant, which of course upset and hurt her horribly. He cheated and lied to her about it for weeks, saying “I love you” and insisting he wanted to stay together when she kept asking him to be honest. Her gut feeling was that something was wrong but he kept on lying and her friends insisted it would be fine. In fact, he was a narcissist in the “discard” phase.

He went through the motions at home but continuously absolved himself of involvement in their crumbling finances. He sent her a disturbing image of a doll wrapped in a blanket shortly before killing her and wrapping her in a similar way, but played it off as a “funny thing” one of the girls did to her toy. The picture set Shanann on edge, but she was exhausted and stressed and didn’t know what to make of her own husband doing this out of the blue.

Chris’ parents were always cruel to Shanann and the children (they hated Shanann and even skipped the wedding and their own granddaughter’s birthday, just out of spite) but Chris didn’t do much (or anything) to ever stand up to them in defense of his own family.

Everything about him was passive, “nice”, easy going, “helpful” and non-confrontational, but inside he despised and resented Shanann and their daughters because of his grandiose notions of starting over with his secret mistress. He was never a “nice guy”; he was a shell of a human being capable of the worst atrocities. He still has zero remorse for what he did, two years later. He didn’t snap. He was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Shanann had a gut feeling about it but sadly, like most women out there, when he kept saying he loved her and the girls and that everything was fine, and her friends insisted how great he was and how he surely did still love her, she kept on trying to save their marriage. She even said she didn’t want to respond to his Facebook friend request when he tried to chat her up online (which is how they first met). From the beginning, it’s like her intuition was trying to warn her.

Even a “nice guy” on the outside can be a ticking time bomb. Women must trust their perceptions and look for passive aggressive behavior and subtle gaslighting, and when actions and words misalign. If a guy starts off as a dream guy, too good to be true, love bombing, etc., his behavior can suddenly change, and that transformed person is the mask coming off, which can be extremely disconcerting. Everyone should read up on narcissists and how they’re not all the more obvious/typical kind that screams, smashes things, and overtly controls their SO. Some of them wear a mask of “nice guy/gal.” The Watts case weighs heavy on my heart and there are some subtle warning signs there for women to keep in mind. 💔

I highly recommend Live Abuse Free on YouTube! So many resources to understand the many forms of narcissistic abuse and help people escape gaslighting.

Chris Watts: Loving guy who snapped or covert narcissist? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2QXN1O_SdY&list=PLbXDQtH_u9kxjZVPzIFFbmyx5YP3FlSGp&index=3

Mysterious_Midnight7 · 2020-10-20T23:29:37+00:00

An Abusive Man:

Keeps doing the same things that hurt you over and over again

Uses apologies as a manipulative tool

Gaslights

Pyjama_party · 2020-10-20T18:02:25+00:00

I had this on a little card given to me at a workshop for what I can remember as being for young and unconfident girls about 15 years ago . I wish I payed more attention back then 😂 but my mum found it when she was moving some stuff and I still have it

Mella_20 · 2020-10-20T23:54:49+00:00

Mr Wrong tries to negotiate your boundaries. Takes them as light suggestions.

apple_cores · 2020-10-21T23:00:29+00:00

I want to add to the Mr. Wrong list since there are many more subtle qualities that we may not see as abusive or just overall low-effort.

lazy - doesn’t plan things, doesn’t show he cares, doesn’t get you little gifts or so thoughtful things you wish he would do, forgets important dates or doesn’t do anything for you on your birthday or holidays.
inconsistent - one minute he wants to be in a relationship and go to Greece with you, the next he’s not sure anymore and needs time to “figure it out”. One minute he’s texting you asking how your day is, the next you’re triple texting him asking if he’s ok cus you haven’t heard from him all day. He’s consistent at switching up at least lol.
expiration - my ex would sometimes offer me something (to go on a specific date, a gift, etc) and if I didn’t accept it right away, he would tell me his offer expired. I had work on a day he suggested a date and because of that, he refused to go on the date he suggested at a different time because his offer “expired.” It messed with me so much.
doesn’t take responsibility or hold himself to his words - did he say something and given the context, you were sure there was no room for any other interpretation? However now he’s gas lighting you and saying there’s no way he meant it how you thought.
actions don’t match words - oh he says he loves you? But he’s still cheating, lying/omitting the truth, not making you a priority, hurting you over and over? That’s not love. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s their own twisted definition of love. But it’s not real love. Real love does not hurt over and over and over.

I’ll add to this list as I think.

2020-10-21T04:13:20+00:00

The fact that “non-abusive” is even a requirement just goes to firmly prove how disgustingly low the bar is for scrotes.

savethebeetrees · 2020-10-20T18:20:53+00:00

By "uses your name", does that mean he doesn't call you babe or dear?

Shernandez9870 · 2020-10-22T00:51:19+00:00

Such a simple list but it’s so rare to find men like this. High value men just act like this without guidance, which I’ve found is really the key to finding a good one. If you have to constantly coach a man on how to not be a piece of shit, he’s probably just a piece of shit.

HVM: prioritizes your comfort. I.e. checking if you’re hungry, warm enough, happy, etc. You should feel completely safe and content in their presence. Anything less than that is indicative of a LVM. Your intuition is telling you something important when you feel uneasy

xYennefer · 2020-10-21T06:42:44+00:00

What does “uses your name” mean? Does it mean not insulting? Or does it mean not saying honey, baby, or nicknames?

Flufferly · 2020-10-20T19:09:51+00:00

Congratulates you when you succeed, even if you're currently doing better than he is.

Title	Mr. Right vs Mr. Wrong. Feel free to add more points in the comments
Author	Woke_Woman
Upvotes	463
Comments	22
Date	October 20, 2020 1:59 PM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jeq0ki/mr_right_vs_mr_wrong_feel_free_to_add_more_points/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/mr-right-vs-mr-wrong-feel-free-to-add-more-points.320176 https://theredarchive.com/post/320176

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