I've thought about this for long time

FluffandRainclouds · 2020-11-09T03:42:29+00:00

If you have family and/or friends who love and respect you, you have love 💗 Don't sweat men. Biological urges to have a mate can absolutely suck. But, you can survive and thrive without a romantic partner and have an equally full life. 🌴🏖⛵

LondonDaPink · 2020-11-09T08:02:22+00:00

I was literally telling my mom something similar recently and was very passionate about how society has an obsession with only depicting romantic love as the only form of love you need or should respect whereas everyone else should be on the back burner. I'm asexual so I don't have an urge for sexual love (and even romantic love if I'm being honest) but because I was speaking passionately about this, she kept asking me if I was okay. The same individual who constantly laments about why her family doesn't love her and yada yada. It blew my mind. I wish there was more in the media depicting women who love each other and it isn't romantic or sexual, it's just because they love each other's souls and want to see the best for each other. Men are a lost cause so that's why I don't include them in this wish.

DelicateDream · 2020-11-09T03:06:44+00:00

I've been a part of communities and they don't replace this. People still stay surface and it's more about the common cause or interest that brings you together.

I think the hunger is for emotional intimacy. But communities don't really provide this either. It's too social and not personal enough. But yes, they fill other needs.

Close friendships can provide emotional intimacy though, and communities can facilitate forming close friendships.

BlackThummb · 2020-11-09T06:33:50+00:00

Yeah, I can see this. I miss the days when I played with all the kids on the block, and I knew every family in every house. Now I don’t know any of my neighbours.

tiavarga · 2020-11-09T04:07:15+00:00

I’ve always thought this. Bella DePaulo writes about this kind of thing all the time. She is a single person guru!

Mella_20 · 2020-11-09T15:45:43+00:00

The second one really speaks to me. When someone says they will stay single, people will ask them "why do you hate love" or "why don't you want love in your life" as if romantic love is the only kind there is. What about the love people have for their family, friends and kids and pets? I'd argue that romance is the worst kind of love. It has the ability to cause so much pain and you have to be so careful. But love for your kids and your pets is so simple and pure, and you feel happy sharing it with them.

MakeURegret · 2020-11-09T03:27:03+00:00

It bothers me too that most white men then say “oh we should go back to church/wish we could get that community vibe that church provides” because it’s the one outlet they can think of that provides this other form of bond/closeness.

Like no historically those have been so discriminatory and straight up terrible.

Why can’t we think up something new?!

Church might be a community to you middle class white male who’s on top, but it’s detrimental to your mental health if you’re a woman (in general).

So no church isn’t the answer.

notthatkindofdoctorb · 2020-11-09T04:20:27+00:00

I disagree with this so strenuously that I find it offensive. I think it arises from a misguided idea of what it often means to live in places where "community" is a big deal. Usually that means family. I can't think of any culture where "community" doesn't revolve around family, and it doesn't have anything to do with people, particularly women, having mutually supportive, close relationships. It's very much about enforcing the continuity of social norms that are painful and oppressive to women and any men who deviate from them. It doesn't necessarily rule it out, if you happen to be close with your sisters or your in laws, but it certainly isn't intended to nurture closeness in women. It would be great if we lived in a world that valued female friendship as an end goal and not a side project, but it's not as if that world exists in all sorts of other places, except in some misguided "west" where we have forgotten the things that really matter. I have lived in all different kinds of countries and all of them have a long way to go to make things right for women, but I'll take the ones with the "Western" values any day.

-badmadAM · 2020-11-09T16:06:51+00:00

Let's not forget that the idea of romantic-love as the most important source of devotion or love they can get is sold especially to girls and women. All this of course at the expense of building any meaningful relationship with real female friends.

For males the media has come up with a lot of friendship stories, they even just recently coined the word "bromance"... for a reason. I mean, sucks that their friendships still often are superficial and there are still so many men getting bitter because they can't have a bangmaid- support- being in their life (although they all easily can watch porn, could just buy sex because they don't care about troublesome industries, or get a doll, which they claim are better than women anyhow... hmmm).

eveninghope · 2020-11-09T12:07:35+00:00

As an American who’s lived in East Asia and the Middle East for work, I find part of it to be also affection. Anglo American culture dictates that people just don’t touch and I think it really fucks w people’s brain chemistry. Like in these cultures friends can just walk down the street arm and arm and it’s completely normal whereas in the US my aunt and grandma will walk down the street arm and arm (they’re Asian) and people think they’re lesbians. Also as a brown woman, it’s really normal for me to touch people while I’m talking to them and men think I’m flirting when it’s just making a human connection.

ponpiriri · 2020-11-09T14:24:23+00:00

Nah, I disagree, especially after having been exposed to more so-called communal cultures.

Gourmay · 2020-11-09T16:59:50+00:00

Absolutely agreed. Esther Perrel talks about this quite a bit and the changing dynamics of community and partnership in this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S57343tPKHg&t=3001s&ab_channel=LewisHowes

43rdaccount · 2020-11-09T22:44:21+00:00

i dont find this super insightful? it's not specific or critical enough, and can too easily be used for a non-commital softboy's bid for polyamory

is the "obsession w love" actually lamenting women who want committed relationships? or is it closer to fds advice about not settling, loving the single life and not needing men? the phrasing is sus either way

Title	I've thought about this for long time
Author	shmarhar
Upvotes	707
Comments	29
Date	November 9, 2020 2:49 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/jqpfb6/ive_thought_about_this_for_long_time/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/ive-thought-about-this-for-long-time.324650 https://theredarchive.com/post/324650

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