disgusted and afraid of the sexual fantasies of my girlfriend and women in general

BlastedScallywags · 2020-08-16T10:47:20+00:00

TRP allows you to externalise your personal issues, you can blame it on women being that way instead of anything personal. I'm not saying that your feelings are totally unjustified, but it sounds like you have a very strong reaction to a fantasy that many would consider a bit kinky or even frankly vanilla and probably less weird than BDSM. Why does this idea affect *you* so much, how do you feel when you think about it?

At the end of the day obtuse red pill theorising is not going to solve this problem, the only way is to discuss it openly and honestly with your partner. That may sound terryifing, but the best way to prepare, to go fully equipped to that conversation, is to be as self-aware of your issue as you can, if you can't manage full on therapy (which I reccomend in the kindest way possible) then ask yourself some basic questions about that fear, what is it? when did I start feeling this way? why do I feel this way? If you want to set a boundary with your girlfriend that her acting on these fantasies is a deal breaker for you, which is totally okay, then having reasons and being open and honest about them enables you to avoid controlling behaviour or seeming irrational or paranoid. She can't be understanding of what she doesn't know. Remeber, setting boundaries is a co-operative effort, perhaps these fantasies are nothing more than fantasies for her, perhaps there is other things you can both get behind, or maybe she can help you work on your own fear.

If you take nothing else from this, at least remember, you are allowed to have personal issues, you are allowed to feel that way. If she leaves you because she thinks it makes you weak and unmanly, you would never have been happy with her anyway. Be strong friend.

KittyHotNose · 2020-08-16T11:06:03+00:00

The first line of that article says, "Women's sexual fantasies do not always reflect what they want in real life". You cherry picked the parts that disgusted you and left the rest.

That being said I can understand your concerns but communication with her is really imperative here.

Inareskai · 2020-08-16T10:21:03+00:00

People don't act on all their fantasies; they're fantasies not core wants or anything. Fantasising something doesn't automatically mean that it's something you would follow through on or betray your partner to do.

I am wondering why it disgusts you? It's just a sexual fantasy, and a common one at that.

This is your insecurity, not a problem with her. Work on accepting that fantasising something doesn't mean a person will leave their partner to 'get' it, or that having some fantasises not acted upon will make someone dissatisfied.

cunningcaring · 2020-08-16T11:09:16+00:00

Fantasies are fantasies. You do seem to be a bit narrow-minded. Nothing wrong with a good orgy.

AmagedonCamels · 2020-08-16T12:46:47+00:00

"while a large proportion of women in the study said they fantasized about being dominated in some way, half of those women specifically indicated that they would not want to live out their fantasy of sexual submission."

Step-Family porn is pretty popular. However if most people actually fucked their Step mom they'd come away with trauma.

Fantasies, sexual and otherwise, that exist solely within the brain but would be horrifying in real life.

Stargazer1919 · 2020-08-16T10:29:18+00:00

It's literally just a fantasy. A daydream. Everyone has them and it doesn't even mean someone actually wants to engage in it. Don't shame her for being completely normal.

isthispassionpit · 2020-08-16T12:35:16+00:00

Like I mentioned in my previous comment, you don’t have to fulfill the fantasies in such a literal way. Her fantasies can still by healthily and respectfully incorporated into a monogamous relationship. It takes communication, trust, and respect. I think those three things really need to be worked on before you can even think about your sex life with her, honestly. If you are in a sexual relationship with her and can’t respect what her needs are and find a way to talk about sex in a healthy way, it’s going to fall apart in your hands sooner rather than later.

ballerbrandplayer7 · 2020-08-16T13:16:18+00:00

Nothing anyone says on the internet will make you more secure as a person or in your relationship. You can’t control your girl or her thoughts. Let’s say worst case scenario she seeks this fantasy by cheating on you....ok then move on. It would suck but I’m sure you would find your way out. Don’t paralyze yourself with fear like that. It’s not helping at all. You need therapy. Be thankful your girl has a healthy sexual appetite. She shared that fantasy because she’s comfortable with you. Her being with other men and bothering you mentally is okay but do you deep down trust her that she’s loyal and actually wants you sexually? I’m pretty sure you need to put your phone down and just breathe.

In regards to sexual insecurity there will ALWAYS be bigger, better, funner, more thrilling ways to get off. All you can do is learn the best ways to please your partner. Be in the present moment, control what you can control and let go of your partner fulfilling a sexual conquest.

You never had a fantasy of being a marine in Vietnam and opening up an M16 during an ambush while it’s dark and raining lol ? Well I have, do I actually want to be in the military? No do I want to kill ? No .Do I want to risk my life ,no ?

I’m pretty sure your girl might have a fantasy of something weird as hell like her farting in a bottle and sending that bottle to a person she hates and that fart kills them....it’s just a fantasy and means nothing.

Actions speak louder than words.

Shoujoaddict · 2020-08-16T13:41:25+00:00

Having a fantasy and acting on it are two very different things...

OnkelMickwald · 2020-08-16T15:35:17+00:00

There's nothing wrong with being a little prude and having different sexual boundaries than your partner. Know that a lot of women are also struggling with this, with partners who want to have threesomes, domination, etc.

I'd say be upfront about you being insecure about this. It should be okay to be insecure. I don't think she should force her fantasies upon you if you really don't feel like doing it.

However, if this feeling of disgust towards your girlfriend persists solely for her having fantasies like that, I'd suggest you might talk to someone. It should not be a source of negative feelings towards your girfriend.

jeanie-bo-beanie · 2020-08-16T15:20:06+00:00

You asked a risky question and got an answer you didn’t want.

I will also say fantasy does not equal reality. I have a bit of a fantasy that i would NEVER do in real life. Ever. Its not realistic and when it comes down to it, i would chicken out. That is the cool thing about fantasies, they aren’t real. Also, if she respects you, she would never push you to do something you weren’t comfortable doing. I hope this helps. I also agree that maybe you should look into why this bothers you so much. She’s only human. Hang in there.

Zuubat · 2020-08-16T13:12:52+00:00

The film Eyes Wide Shut is about this sort of thing, maybe it's worth a watch for you.

forefatherrabbi · 2020-08-16T16:14:54+00:00

Hi OP,

I get what you are saying about women being able to go out and find sexual partners etc. But at the end of the day, you and her both have different sexual fantasies. This is not uncommon. There are things that I want to do that my wife does not. And she has things that she wants to do that I do not. It is about compromise and figuring out what is the line in the sand. And you each have to do that open and honestly. We all have to make these choices because not one person is going to be 100% what we want in all situations.

You already have an open line of communication with her. Tell her that you don't think you will ever be on board with this fantasy. Maybe there is some role play and toys you can use to fulfill this fantasy and give her something in bed that is akin to it (such as a using a toy and yourself at the same time).

At the end of the day, she has chosen you and you have chosen her. This fantasy of hers is that you are enough for her and she wants to try those other things, but you are enough for her and she chose you over them.

There is another way to think about the fantasy of hers, and that is she wants variety, but you are so good even though she wants this, no other man can give her what she wants and she always comes back to you because you are better. Instead of thinking she wants to wander and leave you, you can think about it as validation of how good you are that she always comes back to you. (just flipping things on its head, I don't know her and just giving a different point of view).

Sex is important in a relationship, don't get me wrong, but it is not everything. This fantasy alone is not enough to cheat. You are good enough.

ispariz · 2020-08-17T06:49:05+00:00

Lol, would you carry out EVERY fantasy you have and take every opportunity to have sex you could? If you wouldn’t, why would she? Women are people.

Also, your repeated assertions that “women need/have more sex than men” are just not founded in reality. In my experience, women have, on average, lower libidos than men. Not to say they don’t enjoy sex, they just tend to be less preoccupied with it and leas desperate for it than men. For most women, casual sexual experiences aren’t even particularly satisfying, because a lot of men are wretchedly bad and selfish in bed.

I’d say it’s likely you should see a therapist to interrogate some of these irrational beliefs and paranoia. Your relationships are highly unlikely to work while you hold such bizarre, tainted views of women.

Graineon · 2020-08-16T16:34:56+00:00

Jealousy is a strong pull from the ego, and it can be a huge basis for suffering and drive your behavior in life to a strong degree. Here is an invitation to let it go once and for all.

Take note that your thinking is creating your feeling, nothing else. The reason why you're feeling upset is because you're entertaining upsetting thinking. If you feel jealous, it's because of the thinking you're entertaining in-the-moment. You're basically always making yourself feel a certain way using thought.

Although it appears as though someone or something outside of you is causing you to feel a certain way, it really is just an interpretation created in your mind in that moment.

In order for you to come into new thoughts, it's just a matter of loosening your grip around the thought that's upsetting you so that it can wash away. In that empty space, new thoughts and feelings will come out of the blue.

---

So, regarding transcending jealousy.

In the regular ego-consciousness, the state of mind from which most of us live our lives most of the time, it seems as though our experience of love, connection, and intimacy come largely from sex.

Perhaps some nice quiet moments together, but mostly sex. And so, in our desire to experience this feeling of love, we feel the need to 'protect' our sexual experience. This is the motivation for jealousy, because any threat that we can lose sex means we lose love. And any threat that someone can take away the person who supplies the sex, and therefor that feeling, is worthy of focussing on.

It's all in attempt to secure a feeling.

----

Now look at this first part. Our feelings come from thought. Ultimately the peace of mind, the happiness and love we all seek is already inside us, only to be obscured by a thought of opposite-nature which we take seriously in the moment.

To realize this creates an enormous shift in the way we operate our lives. And some people see it instantly, others take some time before they see the valuelessness of thoughts that cause suffering when they can have peace instead.

The justification for entertaining upsetting thoughts seems strong, but if you are truly aware, you will begin to see that the 'justification' basis itself on securing a feeling which can actually never be lost.

---

A simple way to begin to unwind from the belief of the need to secure things in the world is to notice that you feel quite at peace when you allow your mind to settle and allow the new thoughts and new feelings to come out of the blue. The 'allowing' is opening a connection between you and what you can call a 'deeper mind within you' - a source of creativity and wisdom from beyond your tiny little personal mind.

This connection can open or close at any point. When you're fully in allowing-mode, you feel great! And you when squeeze it by tightening your grip around a thought, you feel upset.

Look for moments in your life where you just feel happy, content, and at peace. And notice how those moments seem to come more and more the more you allow your upsetting thoughts to pass.

There will be a moment you will realize that it is never further than one thought away.

The moment you realize that, jealousy will disappear completely. Because jealousy is based on the idea of loss. The whole idea that you can lose the feeling will make no sense to you.

ffivefootnothingg · 2020-08-17T00:29:40+00:00

Just because you’re in a relationship (new, long-term, doesn’t matter) does NOT mean you/your partner will automatically find every other human being unattractive. That’s absurd. Acting on that attraction by flirting, engaging in sexual/emotional affairs or seeking these out is where this would become a problem. Which you’ve mentioned she doesn’t do. Don’t lie to us AND yourself by saying the only person in the entire world that you find attractive is your current girlfriend. Sure, she’s the only person that you’d entertain acting on that attraction with, and that’s the crux of my point. (Most) thoughts are harmless as long as they stay just that, and don’t escalate into action. You’re letting TRP cloud your perspective by assuming that these thoughts that she (correct me if i’m wrong) NEVER EVEN CONFIRMED THAT SHE HAS will somehow lead to her cheating on you with multiple partners? Don’t believe everything you read on the internet. Jeeeeezus

atman714 · 2020-08-18T07:46:45+00:00

I'm sorry you feel upset about this, I dont think you need to obsess about this. Men have sexual fantasies about things like threesomes as well, but that doesn't mean they would live them out. Just because someone fantasizes about something doesnt mean they need it to happen to satisfy them. Tons of people in relationships watch porn, that doesn't mean they need to go live out that porn to be happy.

Comfortable_Intern57 · 2020-08-22T16:28:13+00:00

Umm.. did SHE say she was interested in threesome's? You do realize that threesome's are also a man's fantasy too right? Your attitude seems very hypocritical here.

_Ulan_ · 2020-08-16T10:16:15+00:00

Fucking hell what a whiny bitch you sound like

She will fuck as many people as she wants to, you con't have control over that. You won't FIND a girl that is loyal to you and abstain from living her slut dream just so your bitchy ego is satisfied.

You MAKE a girl into your loyal partner, one who would torture anyone just to please you. It takes the right kind of girl to start from, the right kind of personality on your side, and it takes time. I bet you are young and think you can get all this by flexing your pecs in the mirror every morning.

Title	disgusted and afraid of the sexual fantasies of my girlfriend and women in general
Author	pane3003
Upvotes	13
Comments	88
Date	August 16, 2020 9:55 AM UTC (5 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/iaps73/disgusted_and_afraid_of_the_sexual_fantasies_of/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/disgusted-and-afraid-of-the-sexual-fantasies-of-my.68167 https://theredarchive.com/post/68167

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