Crime documentaries, and so many women wait until it's too late?

2020-03-16T14:26:08+00:00

The #notallmen meme is ingrained into women YOUNG. We believe that most men are normal people, like us. Exempting women who have been abused by female authority figures/bullied by female peers, most women feel generally safe around other women.

When I feel 'uncomfortable' around a woman, it's usually because I feel awkward or dislike her. When I feel uncomfortable around a man, it's because I feel unsafe. I trust my instincts. I learned later in life that these instincts aren't universal. Many women seek men for validation, attention, comfort, and men are really bad at providing these things (except maybe attention, if he's obsessed with you).

Taking responsibility for something is a way of taking control. But when it's something you can't control (like men, or the way they treat you) then it just devolves into self-flagellation, and desperation to 'fix' things. It's a lot easier to accept that it's your fault and that you're the damaged one, than to accept that the vast vaaaaast majority of males really are terrible, and that the vast majority of women, even the ones you envy and admire, are suffering while they sift through them too.

Kekekeke7777 · 2020-03-16T14:04:05+00:00

The question isn’t why do women stay, it’s why do men kill? And the answer, according to Why Does He Do That, is the way they think. Women, romantic partners especially (and sometimes only!) are inhuman to these men and born to serve them. So when they show human traits? Well, get rid of them. Most women know when they are in danger of being killed. They often tell family members and friends about what to do with their belongings once they die, who should take care of their kids, etc. In fact, Bancroft (the DV expert) says the number 1 way to know when a woman is in the most danger of being killed by her male partner is if she thinks he will kill her. They always know. The most likely time that a man will kill his female partner is when she leaves or is planning to leave. Oftentimes the man can feel it even if she never tells him. It’s way more dangerous to leave than to stay. Leaving doesn’t mean anything to these men except “how dare you leave me-now I will kill you.” It’s not like the woman leaves and the man goes, “fuck, too bad you left me :( “. There was a man here in my town who went to his ex wife’s work one day and shot her, 2 years after she’d left him. We’re never safe. Never safe.

miz_nyc · 2020-03-16T14:00:15+00:00

I think a lot of women have been conditioned since birth (and our mothers are a big part of the problem too!) that you are nothing without a man. As long as you have a man in your life then you are worthy. All of this starts when we're very young and you have to actively work against that conditioning, even now I still actively work against the social conditioning in this society regarding women.

jetpatch · 2020-03-16T14:39:27+00:00

The thing is once a murderous man has become obsessed with you it's probably already too late. Even if you can get rid of him somehow it's just another woman who's going to suffer. Some say we should focus on stopping men offending with therapy or education but there's no evidence that works, they don't want to be better. The best thing is to lock them up to keep them away from innocent people, this an area where the leftwing is dead wrong and anti-female. Prisons save lives and abusive, violent fathers are worse than no father.

TERFSareawesome · 2020-03-16T12:54:55+00:00

I think a lot of it is financial. When the options are 1) being out on the streets, where you'll be hugely vulnerable and almost certainly face sexual assault and harassment or 2) stay with a guy you know, who gives you the creeps, but you've been trained since birth to see men as "protectors" and sympathize with them and see the best in them, then it's easy to see why 2 becomes the better option.

This is why training women about achieving financial independence is so important.

hoIds_up_spork · 2020-03-16T13:11:27+00:00

Tbh men murder their girlfriends/wives when they stay, they murder their girlfriends/wives when they leave, and they also murder women they want to be their girlfriends/wives when she says no. Men are just violent. There are obviously ways to mitigate this slightly like u/TERFsareawesome said (based username btw💜), financial independence is vital but men have killed women for rejecting him politely or ignoring his advances. The only way women and children will stop being murdered by men is if there are no men left.

surviveIIthrive · 2020-03-16T13:37:06+00:00

This is an excellent topic! I watch a lot of real crime stuff too and I always ask this question. And let’s not even get started on women who date ex-cons!!!

There was a case in Florida of an ex-con/former Latin King who was living with a woman and had 2 step kids. She started having an affair with a guy at her job and wanted to leave. Things were escalating between them and her mom told her to come stay with her and she insisted on going home to him. This is after he found out about the affair. That same night he killed her and the two kids. Bodies were never recovered. Her mother was destroyed! He’s doing life. I wondered over and over why she wanted to go home to him that night! Why? Why? Why? Smh.

ETA: Trauma or growing up in domestic violence chips away at your sense of self-protection. If your caregivers don’t protect you, you don’t learn that you are worth protecting so you don’t even think to do it for yourself. That’s the only explanation I can come up with. It’s no diff from the repetition compulsion. You are drawn to risky situations/people bc that’s where you feel at home. You’re dissociated from your body. And don’t know how to read cues and instinctive responses.

ShieldMaidenLagertha · 2020-03-16T21:17:28+00:00

A great time for everyone to read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker! It might save your life!

NorthrnSwede · 2020-03-16T15:29:43+00:00

Victims know on a deep level that leaving is dangerous. When leaving becomes less dangerous because perpetrators are held accountable, we know safety is created for all. Judges, attorneys, the police, social workers, all of us MUST hold perpetrators full and solely accountable for their actions.

Ms_Diva_Muffin · 2020-03-16T14:58:10+00:00

What's the name of the show you're watching?

WhoAreYouWhoAreWe · 2020-03-16T19:06:40+00:00

I feel like an element of it is because they think they won’t be believed 🙁

2020-03-17T06:28:42+00:00

According to one of the DAs I worked with, women can be safe, or they can seek justice. The majority of murders happen when women are waiting for trial, after they already have a restraining order. As a society we think police will come to the rescue but this is often not reality.

rinabean · 2020-03-17T16:37:48+00:00

It starts on the small end. All that stuff about "just communicate :)" and "that's not enough to dump him over! :o" has women burying their concerns

If the tiniest thought crosses your mind that a man is potentially bad news, stop seeing him. And if that idea horrifies you, you are too much of a danger to yourself to be dating. Like, you don't actually have to follow through with it, maybe you were wrong (not likely, but possible I guess.) But if the idea of dumping a man "just because" you felt unsafe around him horrifies you, you cannot, must not, date until you get over that. It's proof you're putting the ideal of being in a relationship, and the idea of being nice or fair to men, above your own personal safety. And of course, the reason women do this is because we are constantly told to! It's truly awful. Women are loyal to the death like in your story, men leave their wives for getting cancer... or just from boredom!

People - women - talk about men's actions and I'm sorry but it's totally irrelevant. We are not men, we cannot control men. All women can do is change our own behaviour as women. So that's what we as women have to focus on. We can also focus on raising whatever sons we have better - we can focus on changing the law - but the whole "men do this" concept is not relevant to us as women, thinking about our options for protecting ourselves. Obviously men are to blame for what they do, but that doesn't change that all we can change is ourselves.

ano-san14 · 2020-03-17T10:13:38+00:00

You’re programmed that way, you really are. It took my last break up and hitting the bottom of the pit, realizing that I’ve accepted some really horrible situations most of my life and I needed to find that strength within me. It was a tough realization and I couldn’t tell you how many times in my life I was in very dangerous situations. I’m thankful I found this group, it gave me strength and I was able to do the things I needed for my life. The breakup was tough but my life is better. It’s codependency and many years of abuse that get internalized in your head not to leave. Worst abuse I ever dealt with was probably my ex husband and I’m thankful I was able to leave but it took a LOT for me to finally call and ask for help. I called the police twice on him and the first time the police showed up they told him instead of taking it out on me he should just punch the wall... what kind of advice is that to give in front of the victim. Second time I filed a restraining order and moved out to a whole other county and started over with my kids. Later in life I learned there was a hit out for me during that period. So I could have been one of those statistics. I’ve provided support to other DV victims and rape survivors in the past so they know there are ways out.

So kind of starting to date after therapy and FDS has changed my views in life and the love I give myself. Some days I just shut off my phone and if I don’t want to talk to these guys I don’t. If they are jerks they don’t hear back from me and I don’t put out. I’m way more than a one night stand and I’m one tough cookie so in order to have my time, they better put some effort. I almost don’t recognize the person I’ve become because I feel happier than I have in a long time.

myaccountiscool · 2020-03-17T01:31:32+00:00

When I was a child my dad was working in another town and only came home every once in a while. He was abusive to my mother.

I was small back then, too small to understand, but one day I heard my mom say he called and just said on the phone “I’m going to kill you” and hung up. I remember my mom telling people and crying. I realized years later that she was scared out of her mind and was telling people for support.

My mother was abusive with her kids but no one, no one deserves to go through the fear she went through at the time. It really breaks my heart to think about this.

They ended up divorcing and my dad actually changed a lot, and oddly enough has become what I would qualify as a HVM now. He loves his wife, he worked hard and retired, etc. Very different from the man he was when he was in his early 30s and married to my mom.

My mother and him are friends now but if you’re with a LVM do not wait it out. Do not take this story as an example that men can change. Most of them can’t.

My dad became a HVM roughly ten years ago, which means he was around the age of 50. Not worth the wait. But his second wife, whom I love, has a good man now.

Title	Crime documentaries, and so many women wait until it's too late?
Author	lepetitdauphin
Upvotes	89
Comments	36
Date	March 16, 2020 12:05 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/fjjw58/crime_documentaries_and_so_many_women_wait_until/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/crime-documentaries-and-so-many-women-wait-until.693137 https://theredarchive.com/post/693137

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