I am just looking for any pointers or general advice as I get ready to split from my marriage.
New to TRP. Have read Rational Male and Preventative Medicine. I’m half way through the sidebar.
I’m 46. Married for 20 years. Two daughters aged 17 and 13. I’m white and my wife is black. Had a lot of sex when we were dating. Were together for a few years before we got married. Wife has always been a ball buster. She was crazy in the beginning; we would argue and she would through shit but we would make up and it was pretty much okay. There were some red flags but I was trying to prove to myself I could maintain a relationship. I thought that her demanding nature was a good yin to my yang and would keep me on track. I joined the military and proposed when you came to visit me. She really wanted kids. It was earlier than I wanted but got okay with it. I went back to school (law school) and it was a hard four and half years. During this time she was VERY concentrated on our kids. I was always gone or studying. We weren’t going out. Sex became more and more rare. Cut to the last 7 years, sex maybe once or twice a year. I moved to the back room. I don’t wear my ring.
I told her I wanted to end the marriage. She went crazy. Threatened to divorce rape me. I agreed to try counseling once more hopefully to get us on good terms so we could mediate and work on an amicable split. Counseling was basically her venting but wasn’t doing anything about the issues I had. Honestly, I have no desire to stay with her and have only stayed this entire time because I have been afraid of a custody fight, seeing my daughter’s less and because I make a lot more money than she does. Until recently I don’t even think I could afford to pay her support and still have enough money to survive.
So counseling has been on hold since quarantine. We’ve been fighting a lot lately. We got into several fights over race. She wants to talk about, watch, listen to, stew about violence against black people every moment of every day. Nothing I do is enough and she accuses me of white privilege for my lack of emotion and anger the way she feels right now.
I’m ready to let her know I’m done. My daughter’s birthdays are in May and June so I’m trying to wait until that’s done. I’m leaving to visit my elderly parents after and will be gone for two weeks. My plan is to come back and have the conversation (again). This time will not be a negotiation but I will try to get her to agree to mediation. If she refuses I will file myself. My oldest daughter will be in college in a year so I would rather not hire lawyers but will do it if needed.
So, anything I need to do? I’m 100% in my head every second of every day. Just trying to actually do this because I’ve been on the fence for years.