Boundaries versus standards

redbirdflies · 2020-07-04T18:27:13+00:00

I wish this sub existed before I started dating because I’ve subjected myself to every single one of those boundary crossing red flags and I wonder how much more simple and happy my life would be if I hadn’t.

Happy-Muffin · 2020-07-04T18:56:08+00:00

Any yelling, meanness, punching things, outbursts of anger, porn use = immediate dump, ineligible for dating.

Any standards i would have for him, i have for myself in my own life.

paperbagskirt · 2020-07-04T16:58:59+00:00

YES! Thank you.

outside-perception · 2020-07-04T19:30:32+00:00

Daily mantras. Making this an FDS BuJo layout tbh

lonelybones1 · 2020-07-04T19:01:16+00:00

My ex bfs idea for a first date was a last minute date at some generic ice cream parlor. I was so dumb at the time with what I put up with. A 3€ ice cream, man that's so low effort.

Creature__Teacher · 2020-07-04T19:54:00+00:00

I love this!

I've dated a few people where we had a great time at first--but after a few months it became clear that although they were respectful of my boundaries, they didn't meet my standards. It took a while for me to recognize that feeling and even longer for me to figure out how to break things off. I mean, I couldn't just come out and say the words "You don't meet my standards." Sounds inherently shallow and selfish, doesn't it?

But honestly.... yeah. At the end of the day, thats exactly why I don't want to pursue a serious relationship. My standards aren't "must be 6'5" with big muscles and chiseled jawline and trust fund and fancy cars and spend thousands of dollars on me."

My standards are the above--they have to live on their own (no parents taking care of them) or be making purposeful steps to living on their own (ie saving money, getting a better paying job, researching places). They have to know how to handle finances. They have to be emotionally intelligent and healthy. They have to be able to plan things/events and follow through with plans. They have to demonstrate that if they want something (a better home, a better job, a better relationship with their family, a healthy relationship with ME) they're willing to do what it takes to get that.

My exes just didn't. My last two exes talked all the time about how they want to move out of their parent's house and live on their own. But they never DID anything to make that happen. I know for a FACT that they made enough money to afford rent and life costs, and they had steady jobs, and that they WANTED to move out. But when I started looking at apartments, they never confirmed a time to visit them. They never applied for places. They never decided on a neighborhood. They never rented a truck to tske their stuff, never compared utility companies, never made a budget for living expenses, never compared commute times, never ACTUALLY DID ANYTHING TO MOVE OUT. They just.... thought it would automatically happen.

Now I'm in a relationship with someone who DOES. I see his budgeting spreadsheets. I trust him to rent a truck when he needs it. We can apply for an apartment together. We can clean and maintain an apartment together. We can discuss finances and investments and savings goals and retirement goals together. We can trust that if something needs to get done, IT WILL GET DONE. Emotionally, socially, financially, romantically, sexually.

THAT is my standard. And now that I've been with a HVM, I won't ever drop my standards again. And I won't be made to feel bad for having standards.

sunny990802 · 2020-07-04T19:32:17+00:00

Great list! But the last one for boundaries should've just been I will not pursue anyone💅💅

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-07-04T23:12:36+00:00

“Emotionally” needs to be in caps.

breadandbunny · 2020-07-05T04:37:13+00:00

My standards are essentially everything on the right. It's amazing how hard it is to find that, and it's not even remotely unreasonable.

2020-07-04T22:18:50+00:00

Love it. Also wanted to add they need to be healthy with their mindset as well. I’m not gonna waste more of my time coddling another man who’s negative and can’t get off his own ass to do things because he’s “depressed”. It’s just laziness not even depression

Shoyrulover · 2020-07-04T18:50:17+00:00

I'm not sure i agree with the "must be in a career they love" and "no criminal record" thing. People sometimes are in different points in life and can be in between jobs or maybe they got unlucky or maybe they just need money.

And for criminal records I guess it depends. Feels like you're assuming they're evil and can't change

SpiritualPlan5 · 2020-07-04T20:08:13+00:00

My last one called me judgemental for having standards and boundaries. The one he flipped out about: “Your fentanyl addict friend cant come over.” Yeah, I guess I am just a judgmental bitch because I don’t want anyone contaminating my home or overdosing there. Sorry not sorry.

Surprise-Turbulent · 2020-09-11T18:16:12+00:00

No calls after 9pm pour moi

Title	Boundaries versus standards
Author	radical__daphne
Upvotes	484
Comments	19
Date	July 4, 2020 4:48 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hl6fqw/boundaries_versus_standards/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/boundaries-versus-standards.703940 https://theredarchive.com/post/703940

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