"But I love him!!"

willowgrowingroots · 2020-07-07T19:27:04+00:00

Trauma bonds are also chemicals and sadly, they are very hard to break free and recover from. “I still love him” can be a manifestation of that. I think that we, as well informed women, should be very cautious about possible victim blaming.

This sub is a gem for recovering victims. Many of which (me included) struggle to accept that this lasting “love” is rooted in trauma. FDS reassures us that even if we “love” them — they are still NVM and therefore we should never accept them back.

ironymaiden87 · 2020-07-07T20:27:40+00:00

[deleted]

kb93_ · 2020-07-07T21:25:52+00:00

I try to have as much empathy for these women as possible. For the most part These are not mentally healthy people who were raised in loving homes. These are people who were more likely than not raised in horrible dysfunctional households and mentally or physically abused by people most of their life. They don't have self esteem because no one ever taught them that and they accept abuse from men because it's what they know.

Also we can't underestimate just how predatory a lot of men are. Sociopaths, psycopaths etc have an innate ability to know who to target and who will make a good victim. Some of them have been mentally, physically and financially abused to the point where they literally don't have a dollar of their own to get out. It would be easy for someone like me who was raised in a good home and taught to have self worth to judge people who weren't as lucky as I was, but it's not productive. Battered and abused women are not necessarily the same as garden variety pickmeishas, although they have a lot of the same behaviours.

hhgjj0 · 2020-07-07T22:24:58+00:00

It might be really difficult to see how things truly are while you're with an abuser. Abusers are smart, they don't leave you alone for a minute and always keep you worked up over some petty fight they made, so you never get a chance to sit by yourself and wonder if things are healthy and make sense. It took me months after breaking up with an abusive ex to realize just how manipulative he was and that he has blatantly lied to me.

Neorago · 2020-07-07T19:26:37+00:00

Many women like myself who fall in love with abusive guys are attracted to them because we also grew up abused and were taught that's what love is. Abusive men can also be incredibly charming and SEEM very, very loving in the beginning which is what abused or neglected women desire. It's not our fault.

I suggest you read into trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse so you don't fall into the trap of blaming women for being abused.

softleather · 2020-07-07T22:35:58+00:00

Thanks, I needed to hear this. My ex possibly has BPD and maybe was a tad bit emotionally abusive at times, but I don't know if I can go as far as saying my love for him is due to trauma bonding. Still, he is a LVM and it helps to realize that love isn't real. It's just chemicals.

SunflowerinVirgo0903 · 2020-07-08T08:18:58+00:00

My ex has domestic violence charges and I have severe cptsd. What do you think constant verbal abuse and or physical abuse and gaslighting does mixed with very very highs? It causes a trauma bond. Please research this bc this could easily re traumatize someone into blaming themselves for abuse. And also count your blessings you have never dealt with a psychopath before you judge.

Title	"But I love him!!"
Author	throwaway23004345
Upvotes	58
Comments	17
Date	July 7, 2020 5:34 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/hmz29c/but_i_love_him/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/but-i-love-him.705280 https://theredarchive.com/post/705280

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