I am new here, I’m not proud of the things I’ve done. Does anyone have any advice to help me get into the FDS mindset?

ErikaNaumann · 2020-07-22T15:52:53+00:00

Understand that the fds mindset is basically self love, self worth and knowing what you won't accept from other people (not just men and not just in dating). Here are a few tips to level up:

Prioritise seeing a therapist. You are extremely fragile and seem to suffer from low self esteem. Please, take care of your mind first. This is very important.
Do NOT DATE for a while. You are very vulnerable and easy prey for malicious men. Please stay off the dating scene until you level up and build yourself up. Even if it takes a few years. Being single is infinitely better than being in toxic situations.
Read the handbook. Read it 2, 3 or as many times as needed. Print the pdf, take notes.
Give a look at our sister subs r/wgtow and r/happysinglewomen. We need to be happy with ourselves before getting into relationships.
Take care of your body, both health and aesthetics wise. Get fit, cook healthy, sleep, take care of your skin, hair, nails, perfect your make-up, dress better, etc. You can find YouTube tutorials to help you.
Start a hobby. If you don't know which one, try a few different ones until you find one that brings you joy. Examples: martial arts, a team sport, hiking in nature, painting watercolours, sewing, volunteering at an animal shelter, joining a book club, etc
Take care of your finances. Get your money in order. Go though all you accounts, debts, assets etc. Make a budget. Learn to save and to invest your money wisely.
Get a good sex toy. Whenever you feel any sexual needs, make yourself orgasm. You don't need a man for that.
Date yourself. Take yourself out to eat. Get yourself your favourite flowers. Take a bath and a glass of wine. Treat yourself the way you want a man to treat you. You set your own standards and you will accept nothing else.
Realise that skin colour does not dictate your value. Please go on youtube and watch all those powerful, beautiful smart women out there. Try the following channels: SheraSeven1, Kelly Stamps, Cydnee Black.
Reach out to friends and family. Spend time with people that love you and make you smile.
Keep reading and posting on this sub. It helps so many women.

Much love to you girl ♥️

AfraidofFollowers · 2020-07-22T15:52:41+00:00

Give your heart a break. It can only go through so much.

Find hobbies, a stable friend or 5, and get financially stable with your own place.

Then, after your heart has healed, try dating without your heart on your sleeve. It’s a long life and you will have many loves. I hope you find a good one. Heartbreak hurts every time. Some worse than others.

P.S. my most favorite models are black. You are beautiful!!

EffectiveHoneydew422 · 2020-07-22T15:32:22+00:00

5 years and 5 disasters? I’m sorry you’ve gone through that but it’s awesome that you can see the pattern and don’t want to repeat it anymore. That’s huge. You should be proud of that. Now I’d say make a stern promise to yourself a contract to focus on you and put you first for minimum 1 year. You are so young and have so much ahead of you the best equipped you can be going forward is re definition of your relationship with yourself and really honouring yourself and of course forgive yourself for everything you have been through and learned up to now from don’t be hard on yourself no matter what your past is. We ALL have felt not proud of previous relationships and behaviours but it’s forgivable because it’s actually the only way we learn what does make us proud. You can continually grow and re define yourself and let go of what doesn’t serve you. You are never broken sweetheart.

Phoenix__Rising2018 · 2020-07-22T15:18:15+00:00

Read the handbook and some of the suggested books, spend time here.

riiirii · 2020-07-22T15:49:55+00:00

Hey, also a BiPoc who grew up in a white town & was overlooked a lot b/c of my race. Also learned to be the “cool” and “easy going” girl who talked about how I “wasn’t like other girls” (realized later this was a coping strategy for me— I wasn’t like the other girls b/c I wasn’t white, and so I tried to turn this into something positive in order to cope with it) to be accepted by guys after years of having guys shamelessly flirt w/me & lead me on, only to always watch them ultimately reject me & end up with white girls in the end. And even when I would get into a relationship, I would often be fetishized & would be expected to give up my culture for their comfort, and I even accepted this.

Not going to lie, it’s going to take some work. That rejection always having a racial component is deep, and the best way to start is with therapy. I didn’t understand how much I had not only learned to make myself small for men, but specifically for white men and white people in general (for the longest time I didn’t want to date other BiPoc, and I realized later that it was b/c dating a white man meant I was being accepted in a culture that largely rejected me). It’s an experience that a lot of white women won’t understand.

Also, I understand there might be reasons why you can’t move, or why it’s not an option for now. But in all seriousness, moving out of my white area to a city with diversity and culture and significantly more BiPoc was life changing for me & my mental health. I finally felt beautiful in my body & with my ethnic features after a lifetime of trying to disguise my hips & bubble butt, I met people who understood my experience rather than trying to deny & minimize all the racism & microagressions I experienced, and I made genuine friends who cared about me & who didn’t use me as a prop. If it’s at all a possibility in your future, it’s something you should seriously consider.

painmakesyoustronger · 2020-07-22T17:30:55+00:00

I’m almost 32 and I have a ton of disasters under my belt too. You have your youth on your side. If I feel like I still have my whole life ahead of me, you really have the world at your fingertips!

I wish I had discovered FDS before I married my ex husband! And let man after man deceive, use and abuse me.

When we say “read the handbook”, we are saying it because it’s going to shift your perception.

Keep contributing to this sub regularly, take an honest break from dating, get off the apps, be mindful of how you use social media (external validation is addicting and hollow), discover who you are independent of society’s expectations for you to be in a relationship.

Good luck!

reina_nova · 2020-07-22T15:53:33+00:00

I second the advice to read the FDS Handbook. The advice and information in the Handbook is foundational. Do NOT get involved with men again until you learn to fully and unconditionally love yourself. Know your worth, girl.

HELP_MANBABIESGOTME · 2020-07-22T18:06:55+00:00

Its honestly so sad. Black women bear a lot more of the bullshit that all women already deal with. Because on top of the depravity men are known for yall have to deal with racism and people targeting you based on insecurities around skin color.

I think you will find this community is very diverse and sensitive to the specific needs of black women.

Take a break from men entirely. You will get fucked over again if you try right now. Like at least 6 months of not even LOOKING at a man. They are dead to you while you focus on yourself.

dntbfllikeidid · 2020-07-22T16:43:18+00:00

Yeah, read the Handbook!

Plants_haveprotein · 2020-07-22T17:45:02+00:00

Hello! I have a sticker on my water bottle that has the quote “Don’t look back, you’re not going that way” as a reminder to myself to not dwell on my past mistakes and keep moving forward. If you haven’t already, you need to work on forgiving yourself for these things that have happened. And good news girl! You found FDS! Keep reading these posts and you’ll start to see how to level up. I also strongly suggest therapy as a means to work on your low self-esteem and fear of abandonment. <<<<these things are absolutely not your fault btw. Women of color experience the most micro-aggressions out of any group in our society. We are also made to feel the most undesirable. Im pointing this out with the hopes you can more easily forgive yourself. Never seek validation and happiness from men/a relationship. You will continually be in a vulnerable state until you can provide these things for yourself. It’s very doable! Love yourself! Make an effort there!

meecy166 · 2020-07-22T17:50:20+00:00

Welcome op. Please read the required books from the handbook, I’ve currently read like 7 books this quarantine, all fds approved and my mindset has changed so much.

blackkali · 2020-07-22T19:25:13+00:00

Hey girl, I just want to mention as someone who is bi racial, I totally feel your words.I'm not black but I'm mixed with black and it's what others see. I have unruly " nappy" hair and skin complexion. I was always told I was ugly for having these features or that I was fat for having curves. It really affected my self esteem and how others viewed me .

I'm almost 30 now. I can tell you that is not what I think of myself today. It took me a long time to figure this out but I had to accept me for what I am on the inside and out . It was, loving my strengths and weaknesses and realizing that they are equally important and what makes you, uniquely you. The good and ugly. The past you, present you and the wonderful future you that YOU are trying to create.

The person I am today loves my curly fro and rock it everywhere I go . Crazy enough, people love it too, and will say how "exotic" or "different" it is, trying to touch up on it 🙄.

It all starts with self awareness and it sounds like you're well on your path .

Don't get hung up on your past mistakes for it makes you the person you are today and you wouldn't be making the conscious effort to move your life in the direction you see fit. Be proud for the lessons you've learn, keep them close with you for future references.

You have everything you need within you to evolve into the women you want to be.

Much love ❤

candigum · 2020-07-23T00:09:21+00:00

I am so proud of you for realizing your patterns and your willingness to change. We all start as pickmeishas. Cheers to your growth ♥️

catspajats · 2020-07-23T03:10:55+00:00

Read the handbook, like others have said. But also remember not to beat yourself up. I started getting into FDS after being in a situation that I wasn’t proud of, and it can be easy to drown in “what if” and regrets.

Some of the readings can sound harsh and judgmental. If you’re the type to take things personally (like me), some advice can come off as shaming. Just keep in the back of your mind that regardless of tone women have created these resources to help you heal, grow, and learn to protect yourself.

I’m happy that you are here. ❤️

eucalyptusiscool · 2020-07-23T05:24:35+00:00

Black women are the most hated in the world, and in that is our beauty and our strength , that we can never have our strength taken. Something that helped me was ‘fake it till you make it’. I acted like I knew I was a queen, I acted like it, talked like it and dressed like it. Eventually, I became it. You have evreything you are looking for , inside of you already.

Struggleis4real · 2020-07-23T08:14:57+00:00

Holy shit, I’m just appalled some asshole had the gall to say that to you in high school!! I’m so sorry.

ismysecretaccount · 2020-07-22T22:22:28+00:00

Hey, hope i won't repeat the advice that was already given. I have been in a simmilar situation. The thing that helped me the most, was to build healthy connections with other girls. It helps with having a perspective or simply a support and advice network. Surround yourself with good people who motivate you to be better. Also, it is really important to figure out your values, interest and needs, because how else you're gonna find someone compatible? My last point: you've suffered a lot, but i also think you've gained a lot of experience about types of guys you want to avoid. So focus on avoiding things that hurt you before, and don't be afraid of leaving someone hurtful or plainly incompatible. You don't need to be ever hurt again. The fact that you are trying to be healthier and better, is already a huge step forward, and I wish you all the best.

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